All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
How to deal with woodsy pests
If you are visiting our charmed sector this summer you may find yourself besieged by a variety of friendly yet bothersome creatures. These can be classified as pests. Some buzz you before the frontal assault and then sit back and laugh (Have you ever heard a hornet laugh?) as the victim breaks out in itches or welts on the exposed ankle, leg or forearm.
Some pests cruise the attic in the middle of the night like rodent bowlers, the last celebrants on a winning team. Larger varieties, when startled, eat people on hiking trails, but only on occasion and only on when the berries and maggots aren’t readily available.
Actually Western Colorado does not have so many pests compared to a paradise such as Louisiana or Arkansas, where critters rule the roost. Dangerous snakes are rare, scorpions, like lepers of old, live in secluded colonies and we just signed a non-aggression pact with the mosquitos.
Even the ferocious Bearded Mushroom Constrictor, common the flatlands of New Mexico and Arizona, has not shown its flushed, tiny face in this country, other than to secure provisions, since breakfast came in a tube.
Without sounding pretentious, this site would like to share with you some of the local, and often starkly primitive ways of dealing with these animal-induced inconveniences.
WOOD TICKS – If you happen to notice a wood tick or, for that matter, a non-wood tick crawling your arm or leg do not attempt to remove it by flicking it or smashing it like a common housefly. These parasites are far too smart for that. These must be removed by flame, a cigarette, or alcohol. Any other solution will cause the bastards to bury their tiny, filthy heads into your skin. Then they just hang out until you get lime disease or Rocky Mountain Fever. The merciless disease is particularly ravaging within the white, urban, granola backpacking set that make up 87% of the visitors to the forest in summer. Another Mother Earth approach is to sneak up on the tick and yell loudly into its ear. This causes them to back out of the burrow and flee the scene.
BEARS – The only menacing bear to be found in Colorado is the Grizzly, which doesn’t exist here unless you see one in the woods. Black bear, which make up most of the bruin roster, are generally docile enough but in reality they are bored and often consider frightening a two-legged geek to be a valid pastime. If a bear gets to close do not make eye contact and attempt to make yourself seem larger (like many of the visitors walking around down in town) and make a lot of noise. If this doesn’t work…stand your ground. If that doesn’t work run like hell.
MARMOTS – Although not technically pests these whistle pigs can be an annoyance near your house during an eclectic storm when they attempt forced entry for fear of the lightening. Often they will volunteer to do yard work after the deluge. The truth is that they won’t pick up so much as a leaf and will scatter into the mountains the moment your back is turned. Considered cute by the uninitiated these little woodchucks enjoy climbing into the engine compartment of a new four-wheel-drive and eating all the rubber hoses. Not to be confused with moose which are larger.
HUMMINGBIRDS – Only God knows why anyone would go out and spend up to $50 on a plastic hummingbird feeder, specifically designed to attract these hyper, winged neurotics to their porch or patio. A favored way to ditch hummingbirds is to mix ½ and ½ vodka and sugar water in their feeders. After a few stops the birds either avoid the area altogether or become regulars and lapse into retelling the story of their life or the day’s misfortunes. DO NOT GIVE THEM A BAR TAB. Do these flamboyant travelers really piggyback on Canadian geese? Some of us would pay good money for a photo of this behavior.
MOSQUITOS – Maybe the sleeper of the group the female mosquito can pass on malaria, encephalitis and other potentially devastating diseases without so much as disturbing your sleep, turning over the freezer or trampling the garden. Only the mosquito, and not even the treacherous no-see-em Zancudo, has a net named after it. Mosquitos are universally considered its and they don’t much like that. The experienced woodsman knows to quickly bring up their presence in camp conversation. They hate being talked about. Whispering, laughing and pointing at the mosquito works as well as expensive repellent. Offended buzzers will most likely find another victim rather than be humiliated. Fortunately mosquitos do not bite fools or schizophrenics.
– Marianne Mace
Heat Waves Drive Millions to Beach
You too can beat the heat in Bahia. Just be careful not to melt. (Toole Photo Service)
AYN RAND RETURNS?
A woman claiming to be the author, Ayn Rand allegedly appeared to shepherds on Corkscrew Pass this morning asking for water and directions to Ouray. She was accompanied by a Russian Wolfhound and wearing an ill-fitting pair of bib overalls said to be the property of John Galt, a character in one of her novels.
“We didn’t know what to make of the visit since none of us knew who she was and what she looked like,” said one herdsman. “She shrugged it off and explained her connection to Red Mountain and Saint Germain in particular.
Later, half-way through a bottle of plum wine she referenced shark-barrel economics through the rose-colored glasses of objectivism and encouraged the shepherds to invest their money wisely, since personal credibility is strongly linked to one’s financial success.
“She claims to have returned from the dead, continued the herdsman. She told us there is no heaven and certainly no hell.”
“They are here inside your punkin head,” she had laughed. “The afterlife is is very disappointing even to an atheist. There is not much, only miles and miles of empty handicapped parking spaces.”
Inmates in a nearby Trump camp have come out to support Ayn…MAGA sheep too are big fans of her selfish and debauched philosophies… that hoard while negating the big picture. Many even see her as a viable running mate for their beloved.
Meanwhile local Democrats worry that President Biden cannot even beat a failed gangster who, if elected, may have to rely on work release so as to come visit the Oval Office.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“Yeah, just make up the bed, get rid of these bottles and send the boy for another jug of rum.”
– Fred Zeppelin, waking up in a strange hotel room sumultaneously surviving the mid-day heat at Praia Criacao, Trancoso, Bahia, Brasil
Black will not replace Biden for next debate say Ranking Dems
Is Warshington Burning?
Suggestions that Colorado Rockies’ manager Bud Black replace President Joe Biden in the second Presidential Debate were vehemently shouted down by the radical cashew and pecan gallery here.
Rumors gaining steam in the House openly predicted that Black, who claims no political affiliation, would stand-in for the president on September 10. Citing what they called a befuddled disconnect during the last debate, many say GOP challenger Donald Trump relied on madcap lies, raging misrepresentation and brutish fearmongering , to plow through the less than enchanting evening, His unhinged approach seemed to impress many voters compared to general disappointment voiced by the Biden people.
Frighteningly enough it appears the switch was percolated by the fact that the two men look alike and little more. Biden never played top tier baseball and Black’s political aspirations hit a wall in a student council election in high school. Black is much younger, at 66, than either of the frontrunners, and, according to attending physicians, much healthier.*
Black’s career winning percentage is below .500 while Biden’s approval rating hovers and hobbles at around 43%. Neither are known felons.
Yes the dozing electorate may still be asleep. Most expressed deep-seated frustration with the choices of the two leading political parties…two old white men. One is over-the-hill and gazing upwards, while the other believes he is on the top of the same hill, looking down. One not quite saying enough and the other never shutting up.
Meanwhile GOP stalwarts are praising the Lord, stampeding sheep and moving ahead with gerrymandering. The culmination of which is the exhuming of former Commander-in-Chief, Dwight Eisenhower to replace Trump on stage if the latter cannot get work release from prison. Eisenhower is seen by many as the last honest Republican (Jimmy Carter the last Democrat in this capacity) and could work well in today’s jumbled and angry political arena.
Neither Biden, Black or Eisenhower returned our phone messages Thursday.
*Black has never spent a weekend in Dover and does not eat fast food.
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
Sister Planet Load of Crap says Montrose Planner
Cosmic Relations Flimsy Front For Water Piracy?
Satanic Cult Denied Liquor License
Special Events Permit Still Being Considered
Boneland Security Defends Trash Checks
Situation Tense as Dumps Reopen
Flood Waters Spare Crested Butte
Wild Flower Exchange Could Lessen Trade Deficits
Toilet Paper Shipment Lost on Norwood Hill
Truck Driver Jumps – Bear Enjoy Brush With Luxury
Rockies Hope to Stay Out of Foul Trouble After Ninth
Greedy management turns off once loyal fans
Say Hey Kid Passes
One of the greats passes at 93
