“Shoot Back” on shelves for holidays

(Rifle, CO) The authentic, real war video, Shoot Back, that bleeds real blood and returns fire when confronted, is about to be released locally according to unreliable sources in Glenwood Springs. The controversial product, which was originally created to teach users respect for weapons and a disdain for war, is a video game on track to easily squash the already tight competition for Christmas.

Despite early praise for the interactive video, the deadeye National Rifle Association appears to have blinked, with the official endorsement of the video delayed until more data can be compiled. The NRA, usually an avid supporter of anything that shoots or blows up, is concerned that the new arrangement is a threat to its powder finger legions.

“If people start figuring out that firearms are not just a one-way street we may start losing out grassroots supporters,” said a spokesman for the gun lobby. “It’s the couch potato brigades that we are concerned about. We want to keep them scared and off balance. Many are just dying to pull the trigger.

“Our agenda is not compatible with our allies in a crossfire, said a supporter of laissez-faire gun laws.  “Yes, we want to maintain control, just not gun control.”

Critics of the NRA say that organization is pompous, self-serving and one-dimensional but fun at parties.

“Easy access to guns, stumblebum mental health treatment options and murderous video games are welded together,” said one weapons-control advocate. “Until we face up to all of the root problems related to these issues, we have nothing. The NRA is not a bad organization, but t he NRA isn’t helping the situation by creating paranoia and pointing the finger at anyone who happens to disagree with its philosophy. Yeah boy, guns are great if you are the one behind the trigger. If you are at the other end of the thing it may not be so great at all.”

Plenty of new users have complained of gunshot wounds as a result of playing Shoot Back. Although no deaths have yet been reported, inevitably the game must result in  fatality.

“We are increasingly appalled at the disregard for human life currently displayed with “entertainment” of this type,” said a guidance counselor at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High School here. “If you think guns are the source of violence within the adolescent population think again. ”

“Part of the problem is that we do not like each other in this country,” said the source. “We’re not happy. We’re not proud of ourselves…at least inside. We have no respect for anyone, including ourselves. We know what makes a good person and we know we aren’t good people.”

Another glowing ember in this wild fire is that parents, if they are involved in the lives of their children, are not only chronically in denial that their child is twisted by all of this senseless destruction but all too willing to accept violence and anti-social behavior as part of the American culture, like Wal-Mart, fast food, twist-off caps and poodle shit. Let’s keep the peace at home. Everyone is good at the charade after years of practice, heh?

According to social scientists, video game players who continually see digital death and special effect violence on their cell phones will begin to see human suffering as a game too, a game that they can embrace or ignore just by pushing a button. It’s a game where nobody really gets hurt, or do they? When I point a weapon at someone and pull the trigger they won’t really get injured, or will they?                                                        – Dinty Moore

EDITORIALS

Snow balls a menace to peace

During recent visits to Crested Butte and Telluride we were shocked to see that juveniles in both of these towns were engaged in the inappropriate behavior of snowball throwing. It would be bad enough if these junior scoundrels were simply battling it out among themselves, but they have encouraged the combat to cross over into other, more moral segments of society. Haven’t we come any farther than this? Are we still like monkeys hanging out of bark-infested trees hurling coconuts at four-legged beasts sentenced to the cruelties of gravity? Is there no law and order? Will no one stand up and be counted?

It’s getting so that one does not even see the traditional beaver pelt stovepipe top hat on the street anymore. We cannot blame the occupants of this fashionable, flamboyant headgear for succumbing to the icy threats of street punks, scarf-masked thugs and pre-pubescent hooligans.

Why just this morning on South Fir Street, a gentleman, attempting to negotiate the stairs at O’Bannon’s Shed and Breakfast was accosted by alley urchins armed with snowballs. Before he could duck back into the familiar confines of his redoubt they were on him, pelting him with the little arctic missiles, knocking his hat to the ground, purposely upsetting his daily constitution, causing him considerable injustice.

Some of these little criminals even travel with dogs.

Will we the responsible members of society just sit back and wait until our civilization tumbles into the abyss? Remember the Saracens? Remember Chamberlain and Czechoslovakia?

The solution, although awkward, is a simple one: Remove the projectiles of this roughhewn subculture by removing the fallen snow. The towns already have the trucks. Let’s get on with it and look forward to a more peaceful, secure tomorrow for everyone. And while we’re at it let’s go ahead and get rid of the dogs and younger kids too.

WARNING LABELS HARMFUL TO GENE POOL

When was the last time you stood in a bucket of water while repairing an electrical appliance? Do you often climb extension ladders while blindfolded? Can you successfully operate a child proof cigarette lighter? How much cotton is too much cotton when one peers into an aspirin bottle? Buckle up for safety.

The multitude of warning labels that has graced the 20th Century is severely depleting the gene pool by promoting the survival of people who would perish on their own. If we are to follow the theories of natural selection we must put a stop to this neurotic reminder machine that society has found growing like a boil on its posterior. If this insanity continues our off-spring will be no more than a pile of ignorant robots waiting for the next command.

Stop this mad intersession now before it’s too late. The only warning label we need is one that says: Welcome to the planet Earth. Maximum capacity limited. Quality of life fragile. Please do your own thinking.

Mr Obituary Dead at 102

Signelle de Bushe, known to many as Mr. Obituary, has died in Riverside, California after a long illness. Bushe is credited with having written over 200,000 of the somewhat morbid releases. He is survved by his wife Watta de Bushe and children Rose de Bushe and Sergio de Bushe of Grand Junction. Unlike most cub reporters who cut their teeth on obituaries then moved on to something else, Bushe remained at his post for 77 years. When he finally retied from the Scripps-Howard chain he was given a black hearse instead of the more traditional gold watch and chain.

The deceased, not known for his sense of humor, hated the San Juan Horseshoe, which he called “corny and without redeeming value.” In 1985 he threatened legal action if his name ever appeared or if he was ever mentioned in this tabloid.  He also demanded that no man write his obituary.

It is with these last requests in mind that we honor him.

CHURCH IN HOT WATER WITH IRS OVER CASINO OPENING

(Wimpton) The Chapel of the Full-Tilt Reformed Blinding Light Unicorn Salvation and Ante-Coastal Fellowship may forfeit its tax-exempt status due to the opening of a high stakes casino on its 30,000-acre survivalist fortress here.

According to investigating Treasury Department officials excused tax status and gambling don’t mix well.

“Who ever heard of a non-profit black jack table,” said one IRS agent. “It’s virtually impossible even with the watered down games that these jokers have been pushing on their congregation since the Puritans hit the pulpit.”

The fellowship, which operates out of the trunk of a Buick LeSabre registered to a Rev. Phillip Pharisee, plans to appeal whatever decision is handed down on the grounds of religious freedom.

Traditional gambling interests in Las Vegas and Atlantic City have already threatened to align themselves with the church in light of the potential increase in customers.

“If we could crack the Sunday go-to-meeting crowd we might survive the onslaught of riverboat, First American and low stakes shanty casinos that have cropped up in every fishing village, reservation and former mining town across the country,” said one poker-faced spokesman from Nevada. “Imagine the profits/collections from the fish fry/bingo contingent alone.”

Lobbyists for the gambling industry have long sought the relaxation of laws prohibiting children and the mentally ill from wagering paychecks and pumping slot machines.

“Let’s face it,” said the source, “eternal life is a gamble and there’s no better time to start counting cards than the present.”

A decision on the matter is expected Friday. Already Pharisee has threatened to relocate his fortress and his Buick to Russia, “where at least they have religious freedom,” if the IRS forces the issue.

                     Cereal blamed for demise

(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.

After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and academics, urban stress as well as the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.

“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.

Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugar-coated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.

“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellog’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”

Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.

“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”                                                               – Kashmir Horseshoe

Huey Long Demands Recount

(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.

Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalofile Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.

It is not known how long Long will be in town.

Aliens Coming Out in Record Droves

(Lake City) The recent, seemingly overnight, acceptance of gays in this culture has encouraged many aliens to come out of the closet. This burgeoning tolerance, at least at the polls, has allowed many aliens to declare orientations and preferences where real identities had been in hiding.

Along with marijuana growers these visitors from other planets and solar systems had been forced underground, embracing a low profile existence except within closed circles. Now, more and more, these same aliens are beginning to live their lives as who they want to be: Extraterrestrials!

In some parts of the country the majority of residents claim alien ancestry. This is particularly acute in remote locales and rural precincts.

“The space wanderers often preferred to make their entries in less mainstream spots where they might assimilate easier,” said Dr. Egram Orbit of Hinsdale Star Institute. “We have been watching UFOs land around here for decades. In a place where eccentricity is the mountain boilerplate, these new arrivals find that surviving the harsh winters is more difficult than lining them up at the local bar.”

The coming out display is particularly emancipating for the more than 150,000 aliens who had been living under Bakersfield, California and Detroit, Michigan. Many have been living in deplorable conditions without the light of day since the 50s when they were uprooted from homes in Area 51 and sent to reeducation camps in Los Angeles.

“Most of the space people escaped from the minimum security internment facilities and resettled under major U.S. cities such as Atlantic City, Rockford, Illinois and Phoenix,” continued Orbit.

“Your gov’ment has been conducting a series of cloning experiments since 1947 in Nevada and New Mexico,” said a representative of the Obama Administration. “We simply picked up where the Bush people left off. Today we have aliens working in every department of government, including the White House, Pentagon and the Congress. These are not support personnel but rather policy stalwarts and decision makers.

“Does the name Dick Cheney ring a bell? How about Nancy Pelosi?” he chided.

In a related piece, NASA has announced that (North Korean) Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un and sidekick flamboyant basketball celebrity Dennis Rodman are definitely from another solar system, an accusation not denied in Pyongyang.

“It’s all explained in the tattoos,” said Orbit. “Connect the dots and the entire rationale will become startlingly clear.”     -Irm Peawit

–FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT–

Saturday is the last day to take advantage of gratis pickup of old, tired opinions and decomposed superstitions. Residents and guests wishing to enjoy this free removal and same day deposit at the local landfill should simply store their trite convictions, frazzled sentiments and threadbare assumptions on the curb in the pretty blue baskets and not in dirty pails with the other garbage. Colorado residents are again reminded that they have until Thursday to comply with new regulations as to the indiscriminate burning of fossil fuels for personal use. Vehicles over 30 years old will no longer be eligible for free checkups due to cost cutting measures adopted by state agencies and Medicar, which lost federal funding in the face of the high cost of waging war in the Mideast. Thanks for your attention to this pressing matter – Testosterone Brothers Sanitation