DOW Doing Fine After Botched Hunting Season

(Denver) It’s business as usual in Division of Wildlife bunkers on North Broadway today despite what most Coloradans are calling the poorest hunting season since records have been kept. In what has all the earmarkings of a federal foul up, the 2013 hunting season has been put out to pasture.

Even though most merchants suffered economic losses due to DOW bungling there are certainly no plans for lay-offs or adjustments within the ranks of Game and Fish. Already the wardens of our deer and elk are making plans to sell more overpriced licenses next season.

“The problem is one of confusion mixed with arrogance,” said Melvin Toole, a hunter from Mack. “What’s all this business about drawing for regions and over-the-counter cow elk tags anyway? It’s just a mess. What’s wrong with the concept of three seasons? We had deer season first, then elk season followed by combined season. I for one favor a boycott on all this DOW crap and the return to farmer’s season.”

The last season mentioned by Toole involves poaching, a DOW term for people shooting their own deer and elk without bureaucratic intrusion.

“We don’t like to hear citizens talking like that, said Earl Tagger, a lifer at the division. “If everyone took that attitude we’d lose a bundle and wouldn’t be able to continue to finance our protective harassment of Colorado’s animals. We’d have to close down.”

Toole says collected statistics could be applied to bear, elk, salmon, coyotes, moose, marmots and even the wolves that we don’t have here.

“If the state boys would simply do their math they might fall across a valid conclusion from time to time,” said Toole. “Maybe a return to hunting cats would help preserve the deer herd. It’s too late to back off now. We’ve already messed with the natural order. Today survival of the fittest is defined as a game and fish employee who survives until retirement.”

Hunters’ rights groups add that there are more deer killed on the highway than were killed this season.

“Imagine a group of hunters from Pennsylvania who plan to come west but can’t figure out the seasons. We’ll soon be seeing these people in Wyoming and Idaho,” they say. “While some of our Colorado citizens think this is a good idea many of us look at the situation strictly from the economic realities of the past. Due to escalating license fees the classic good ol’ boys that used to come here every autumn can’t afford to do so anymore. Instead we get more rich folks from the suburbs and they’re just not as much fun to have around.”

In related news the federal gov’ment has announced plans to drop unearthed woolly mammoth DNA onto the plateaus of Northwest Colorado and release nomadic reindeer herds onto the ski slopes of Powderhorn, Monarch and Crested Butte. The forced hosting of reindeer is said to be payback for leased Forest Service land. The DNA, recently collected from the extinct woolly mammoths in ice encased Siberian caves, is reportedly to be nurtured for future cloning experiments.

Later the conclusive results of the research will be stored in Nevada, along with industrial residue, nuclear waste and other elements the human race has created but doesn’t know what to do with at present. – Suzie Compost

Backlog of Free Tacos Staggering

(Denver) Massive stashes of tacos, built to accommodate Rockies’ fans when heroes hit home runs and emerged victorious, remain stored at an undisclosed location in the Mile High City. The crispy treats, comprised of corn tortillas, cheese, meat, salsa, lettuce and tomatoes were never given good homes since the team did not operate at optimum level during the season.

“Our Win Tacos When the Rox Win program was solid from the start but loses amounted to an overstock,” said Omar Pilche, a recognized taco expert here. “Now we have tons of tacos that are perishable and less appetizing every day that passes.”

Pilche told The Horseshoe that his taco enterprise would give the food to the needy but that the Colorado Department of Health would not hear of such a thing. In addition insurance complications have detoured a general distribution of the tacos.

“Back during spring training we figured we’d get rid of the estimated bulk of the food but things didn’t quite work out for us or the Rockies,” said Pilche.

Next season the taco monster plans to award tacos for every hit and out recorded by the team in an attempt to familiarize the public with “authentic cuisine” and convenience.                                             – Gabby Haze

HUNTERS TAKE 7,000-POUND ELK

(California Mesa) Texas hunters today nailed what is probably the largest bull elk ever seen around these parts. Weighing in at just over 7,000 pounds the wapiti charged right into the record books outpacing all former competitors. His status as deceased will not create a negative impact on the accolade.

Biologists circulating the region suggest that the giant elk may have wandered over the plateau from the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) after feasting on tailings from uranium days.

“Sometimes exposure to radium has adverse effects on wildlife, as well as humans, said one biologist. “Those boys (the hunters) won’t be hungry for a long time.”

It was later learned that the hunters would keep the trophy rack and donate the meat to a local cafe.

Meteor Showers To Interrupt TV Reception

(Ouray)  Swarms of flying sparks, perhaps fragments of the annual Lyrid or Eta Aquarid meteor showers are blamed for the termination of TV reception here. According to astronomers the shooting stars recorded a direct hit on main satellite installations rendering television signals impotent and leaving screens blank and lifeless.

Residents have been asked to sit tight and read a book or talk to family members until the problem is corrected. Experts from as far away as Lookout Mountain expressed concern that this was not an isolated atmospheric intrusion.

“Although the attack was severe we expect to have the system up and running again by February of 2006,” said Raymond Markey, a gifted technician operating in the county.

Gluttony Replacing Travel in US

(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.

“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency.”

Toole added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel all but impractical.

“And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” quipped Toole.

Toilet Seat Shortages “Chronic” in Forests

(Ouray) The lack of toilet seats in the National Forests this year has reached chronic proportions and may be linked to a revenge motive on the part of government agencies says a recently released report in Flusher’s Digest.

The independently published piece claims that the USFS and other federal agencies has dropped the number of prescribed toilets in our national forests to punish persons opposed to fees on public lands over the past few summers.

In one such destination, Yankee Boy Basin, new toilet seats are almost unheard of while luxuries like toilet tissue and air fresheners remain on a first-come, first served capacity, with even the most basic supplies exhausted by mid-week. While many campers bring their own waste facilities the more traditional visitor often relies on porta-johns or other privies to conduct constitutional business in the woods.

According to a story in the Ouray County paper, the scenario has become a “squishy” one with hordes of campers being forced to use the great outdoors as their latrine. While this practice is popular with other mammals humans tend to congregate in designated camp grounds and use nearby land as their dumping grounds.

“Bears and mountain lions often cover 50 square miles per day hunting and staying away from people,” said a spokesman for Poop Jumpers, a local recreational association that is responsible for waste management among other things. “It’s easy to see why they aren’t the problem. Sure, we’re talking organic but the impact is caused by congestion not substance.”

According to the Department of Public Sanitation, a wing of the Homeland Security Agency, the magazine’s accusations are false and there is no revenge motive for the termination of federal funding.

“People who were against the fees will just have to stand in line a little longer or provide for their own comforts,” said Roy Thistledown, a campsite host and former CIA operative from Spar City. “We had the same problem all along the Alpine Loop until we started handing out little pooper scoopers compliments of the local chambers of commerce.”

The article continued saying campsite fees were up three dollars from last year. Whether that increase was enough to build more facilities was unclear at press time. Alluding to a presumably federally generated pamphlet advising campers how to dig a cat hole, the paper went on to describe just how to cover and disguise the aperture.

“People in emerging societies solve these kinds of problems by charging a small fee at the entrance to restrooms,” said one camper who has lived illegally in the Uncompahgre for 25 years. “Often the fee, collected by an otherwise unemployed person, includes tissue and a splash of down under water.

Despite the failures often common to other functions of government there this potty policy seems to have merit.

“I cannot speak for the outlying areas or for jungle redoubts, said the squatter, “since the media continually warns us they are populated by bandits and terrorists and are not safe for deep-seated human habitation.”

When contacted yesterday one state sanitation official agreed to look into the matter.

Criticized for running a feature piece on such a sensitive subject right on the front page an unreliable source at the local paper said that the story needed to be told.

“In addition, they added, “the piece provoked more reader response than coverage of the week’s city council meeting and the Republican state convention combined.

A follow-up/sequel is planned for December.

– Susie Compost

Hunters Wipe Out Tree Venison

(Gunnison) Rifle hunters have virtually wiped out the state’s last remnants of organic tree venison according to information released by the Colorado Division of Still-life. The tiny, often transparent herd mammal, known for its curious behavior of living in trees, has been endangered for the past decade but, since most of the populace doubted the very existence of the species, that sad plight has never been publicized.

“No state congressman in his right mind is going to vote to protect what is perceived as a fictitious species,” said Marvin Ballotte, former Aurora exterminator turned political analyst in October. “It would be political suicide on the scale of Dick Lamm’s euthanasia speech in 1983 or Bill Owen’s the whole place is on fire comment in the early part of the century . For all the hype during summer tourist season you don’t see legislators calling for a boycott on jackalope season or protection for snow snakes. It would be like granting Yosemite Sam a stay of execution on death row.”

Besides the odd living arrangement, a classic branch-canopy habitation combined with ground foraging usually reserved for primates, birds and insects, the tree deer are territorial, lustful and can be ferocious when cornered. This may account for the lack of public support if and when their numbers are threatened.

“Far too many Coloradans have suffered tree deer trauma especially with scary tales over the campfire during root or rutting season,” explains Ballotte. “There’s really no love lost for the deer, who are considered pests at best and who are said to overpopulate at a frightening pace. They’re as bad as rabbits but rabbits rarely attack livestock or hurl themselves out in front of defenseless minivans. Besides, rabbits are cute and these tree deer are an ugly lot.”

The last herd of tree deer was reportedly spotted by hall-of-fame marmot wrestler, Earl “Boy” Pritchard of Sapinero, an accused eccentric who is not considered dangerous unless agitated.  Pritchard claims he ran across a party of tree deer chewing away in an aspen grove in May.

“The only reason they didn’t attack is that I had camouflaged my torso with a palmetto branch and covered my scent with a bottle of cheap toilet water,” spat Pritchard, “but they was there.”

The fact that the animals were not indigenous to Colorado has not helped to relieve their precarious position either. The deer are thought to have been brought to Colorado from California by Basque fishermen to pick fruit back in the Sixties. The ones who didn’t join hippie communes assimilated into the population and became realtors.

With the absence of these fleshy beasts from the food chain it is not clear what wolves will eat as hors d’ oeuvres or bears will use as live bait come spring. -Suzie Compost