All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Senior Driving Law Expected to Pass
(Gunnison, CO — September 25, 2014) If pre-election indicators are correct, controversial senior citizens motor vehicle operation restrictions will be in force by January. The tougher driving laws make annual road tests mandatory for persons over 90 years of age.
The proposed test will include sight and hearing exams and reflex analysis. Persons who fail any of these tests will face suspension of driving privileges and in rare cases a short prison term. A crack appeals board, comprised of retired Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles employees, will intercede when needed, if able.
Driving tests for all residents may become more difficult too. It is anticipated that, starting in 2015 anyone who fails the written test more than 16 times must wait a full week before taking that part of the exam again.
“Competent seniors have nothing to worry about,” stressed one supporter of the possible legislation. “It’s for everyone’s protection. I am tired of trying to determine whether the senior RV driver in the left land is asleep or simply in a trance when I whiz by at 35 miles per hour.”
Other proponents of the move told The Horseshoe that the average 18-year-old, despite an estimated attention span of .034 minutes, has 900 times the reflex quotient than a driver over 80. After a pint of whiskey the coordinates begin to grow similar but the younger driver still laps the older one.
Critics of the concept are quick to cry foul, saying the idea discriminates against those found incapable of operating a wheelbarrow, golf cart, mule or canoe. They angrily add that with mass transit added to the national equation the issue would never have been on the ballot.
“If we had a decent bus system and passenger trains like most other civilized countries we could abandon this sticky issue and move on to more important confrontations like gay marriage and legal pot,” explained one irritated voter. “We don’t need any more damned infrastructure like those urban planners in Boulder always call for. We just need a bridges, highways, railways, in short a transportation system that responds to the needs of all of our citizens. There are lots of us out there who are not at all happy with the preparations that must be made just to get to church or the grocery.”
Many of them blame O’Bama.
A second citizen’s advocate group is carefully watching developments here prior to submission of a bill that would require all recreational vehicles to carefully pull over to the side of the road when it is holding up more than 36 other vehicles (the elusive square root of 6) on a state highway. This is the current law in Oregon (but numbers of delayed motorists may be lower) where drivers polled say RV operators have become far more considerate of other drivers. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Paper won’t get tax break
(Ridgway, CO — September 25, 2014) The San Juan Horseshoe has been denied non-profit status in a decision handed down by a Superior Quart here Thursday. The rather shoddy flyer has been petitioning lawmakers to bend the rules since it claims it has operated its publication as a recognized religion in Colorado since 1977.
“We are aware of a bundle of folks who are currently making in the dough and not paying a penny in tax since they are classified as a religion by state and federal government,” said an attorney for the publishing concern. “We too have rituals, and stringent beliefs, and love in our hearts and a strong moral code here at the paper,” said the lawyer who added that regular readings from the newspaper often have an impact on one’s salvation.
“The way we got it figured your chances of going to heaven with us are just as good as entering the Pearly Gates with the others,” he said.
“A bit of nonsense or a joke can have the same healing affect as a blessing in a posh cathedral or a sermon in a strip mall chapel, and it’s free.”
– St. Roscoe of Paducah
Eating garden tomatoes not a sin says Pope
(Vatican) In a rare departure from socio-religious issues the leader of Roman Catholic Church today decreed that eating homegrown tomatoes was not in conflict with its teachings.
Pope Francis told a throng of well-wishers in St Peter’s Square that although eating a drippy, sweet, red and meaty garden-grown tomato feels like a sin it is not. He further encourages his flock to “eat as many tomatoes as you like while the season is on”.
The Pope, an Argentine, went on to say that he misses his garden in Buenos Aires and that a newly tilled one will be up and running next year.
“The Pontiff was too busty addressing war, poverty, starvation and racism to plant a garden this spring,” said a close aide. “Next year we hope to have corn over there (he gestured toward a basilica) and cucumbers over there. The tomatoes will be right in the middle getting full sun.”
The aide refused to comment when asked why the Vatican does not share its vast wealth with the impoverished.
Recent criticism leveled at the Church claims the religious body hoards riches and does not do enough to help the poor, especially those Catholics living in Latin America.
“Sure, they have all kinds of beneficial programs,” said one man who would like to see all of the Vatican gold redistributed to the poor.
“Isn’t that what Jesus would have done?” he smiled.
Back at St Peters the Pope told a cheering crowd that tomato sauces, stuffed tomatoes, tomato soup and even such nominally secular dishes as tomato bisque and fried green tomatoes are all fine to consume.
“These are not at odds with the doctrines and practices of Christianity,” said the Pope who scoffed at dispensation for eating apples.
“Unless they are offered by snakes,” he laughed, “which is not a likely scenario.”
In closing the Pontiff warned the faithful about the pitfalls of eating genetically modified foods, which he said, is directly against the teachings of Christ and the Apostles as well as the Bible.
– St Roscoe of Runnynose
Clampitt May Run
(Tin Cup) Jed Clampitt has pretty much stayed to himself since his retirement from the Beverley Hillbillies and the death of his major sponsor, Buddy Epsen, in 2003. However the weighty political climate in the country has worked its magic on the often-stoic leader of an Appalachian family that discovered oil in its backyard.
“Fortunately for these United States all of the extended Clampitts are still surviving so I have a ready-made cabinet. Jethro, Granny and Ellie May would be a perfect fit as advisors while other characters might fill in the openings just like on TV,” smiled Jed. “Mr. Drysdale has already spoken to me about a position with the Treasury Department and Miss Hathaway could run the CIA. That leaves my favorite cousin, Pearl Bodine, as the first female Vice President!”
“Let me be candid here in saying that we can’t do any worse than the current bunglers,” stressed Clampitt, embracing an austere disposition.
Although he has not yet thrown his worn-out old hat into the Presidential ring Clampitt told reporters that if elected he would not say anything but rather cook opossum pie for everyone.
“That alone is a welcome departure from all the side winder mouthing we’ve been accustomed to since Jefferson,” said a delegate who had just become aware of Clampitt’s possible bid.
Close advisors implied that if Clampitt wins the White House he will disband the electoral colleges since he himself didn’t finish grade school.
– H. L. Menoken
Pot Legal on Moon and Mars
Due in part to an oversight by the Reefer Madness set, marijuana is now legal on Mars and on the Earth’s only known Moon. The legitimacy status, brought on after it was discovered that the herb had never been classified as illegal in these jurisdictions, was never an issue in the decision.
Since there are no inhabitants on the heavenly bodies in question there was no vote on the matter. Opponents of legalized drugs, along with the pharmaceutical companies say marijuana is simply the entry point for other drugs. They insist that the people not living on the moon and Mars will soon be smoking crack and shooting heroin and that the drug culture will be exported to other planets such as Saturn, Jupiter and maybe even little Pluto.
Proponents of the legalization say the herb is harmless and that manufactured fears, industry propaganda and old wives’ tales should never replace the facts.
“With all due respect to all of the parties involved here we feel that there are far bigger fish to fry,” said one pro-puffer.
Whether there is a demand for marijuana on these spheres was not disclosed nor were pressing questions as to how one could keep anything lit without oxygen. Since it is impossible to grow anything on the two stellar locations the product would have to be imported.
Small celebrations have been reported all over the planet to commemorate the development.
Whether anyone has even smoked a joint on the moon or Mars was not clear at press time. – Small Mouth Bess
