All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Colorado Leads in Loafers
(Denver) Maybe it’s the great weather or the outside lifestyle. Whatever it is Colorado leads the nation in per capita loafers. Idle rich, inheritance dunces, ski bums, trustafarians, camp squatters, entitlement bangers, second home owners, shiftless hawkers, realtors, journalists, and worthless hippies make up some 68% of the Rocky Mountain State. Shocking though it may seem many here look to the tourist influx for guidance and embrace of the work ethic.
“Colorado may be the thinnest state but we are plagued with transient vagabonds and assorted riff-raft from every socio-economic sector,” said Dr. Sluggard of Pea Green Academy, recipient of a monster grant to study human behavior in whistle stops without train service throughout the West.
“Our preliminary findings concur with the national statistics,” gasped Sluggard. “We have tipped the apple cart and are on the way down the path to devastation. Our leaders must act today and pass serious immigration and right to work reform before the entire place ends up like the Caribbean nations where a
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ROCK SOUP
Mouse for rent in Montrose. No cats. 249-CHEZ.
Important: Will the people who were swimming in Bus Barn Lake Monday please call the Gothic Biological Warfare Laboratory as soon as they’ve had their lunch. Also, need a ride to Shiprock any Friday night through July. Sarah, Deplorum Springs.
For sale: Nice business suit and tie worn only once during visit to the United Nations in 1959. Call Fidel Castro collect in Havana. Price negotiable.
Want a six-foot chocolate statue of your Aunt Pearl? How about a nice birdbath fixture or mom, dad and the kiddies? Stop by the Russell Stover Bunker in Montrose for personal molding. No limit to configurations! Extensive castings weekdays only. Also looking for models for Halloween, Cinco de Mayo and Easter assortments. No Irish.
WIN A NEW CAR! Enter the Gracious Tipping Lottery simply by leaving a decent tip after you eat in Western Colorado! That’s right. Recognize good service with an appropriate gratuity this season and your name automatically goes on our master list. (Disclaimer: Many contestants could win a kitten, a barking ticket or a high pressure time share weekend getaway instead of a car.)
Thanks to all of the kind neighbors who helped get my boyfriend’s head and shoulders out of the chamber of commerce toilet bowl last weekend. Red is currently at St. Roscoe’s for observation and feeling fine. He was able to watch the Rockies all weekend. We’ll never forget you.
Dear Dandy Home Alarm Company: Thanks to my trusty .357 and my even trustier German Shepherd I won’t be needing your services effective immediately. If you doubt my sincerity just try to get into my house. No courtesy callers. Sir Otis of Liver.
The San Juan Horseshoe is no longer financially capable of transporting the residents of Colona to Carnival in Rio de Janeiro in February. Instead a day trip to Mesa Mall has been arranged for interested parties. No wee-mails.
Carved from local butter: Custom signs for every non-occasion. June Special: PLEASE WIPE SHEEP BEFORE ENTERING signs in buffed mahogany spread. 2 for $5.
Summer rental: Tamerlain’s Bedpan: $450 per month plus first and last. Also parting out Joe Stalin’s mustache and upper dentures thought to have once traveled as consort to Alexander the Great. Hemingway’s liver: 1/2 off through Bluegrass Festival. Will trade Benedict Arnold’s egg poacher for reliable used car. Mack the Hack, Sawpit.
Lost: Pair of snowmobile boots at the old St. Lazare Station last February. If found please respond directly to Claude Monet. Small reward in francs.
Now at local groceries: Yuppie Beans! Designer beans for people who never had to eat the damn legumes because they were hungry and broke at the same time. So what if the peasants have to eat leaves, sticks and pieces of cotton. Now everything is in order – a friend.
Ever wanted to hunt ducks on skis? All the beautiful people are doing it! Opening soon: SKI WETLANDS, an environmentally lucrative, four season reclaimed recreational facility. Call us today for the deluxe tour. We’re in the Jello Pages.
Anger management counseling Tuesday evenings at your local library. Bring boxing gloves, mouth piece and concise beating instrument. If you’re all pissed off you’re no good to anyone. Guaranteed results or at least a damn good beating from fellow classmates. Dr. Simon Lackluster, Heartbreak Hotel Terrace, Goodenough Gulch.
Improve tunnel vision without surgery. Dial 7.
I will scrape your windshield on cold winter mornings while you go back to bed. Deadline for new customers is July 5. Tongue depressants, wheelbarrow photography, foot massage. Mack the Hack, Sapinero. Over 600,000 miles without major chromo-dynamic malfunction.
Gay yucca plant would like to meet others of same persuasion for perennial relationship. No plastic geraniums, gourds, fungi or thallophytes please. Blind Box 499, Horseshoe.
EGO REDUCTION. Simple surgical methods. Satisfaction final. Group rates. Dr. Simon Lackluster, Director of Excremental Medicine, 222 Penal Enlargement Terrace, Big Pickup Springs, CO. We accept Plastercard!
Licenses janitor needed for Edith Bunker Nashville Forest. Must show proof or transportation and get along well with trees. Call the Department of Interior Request Line to schedule battery or awfully painful shots and marginally annoying Predator Compatibility Testing. Can you read maps? We’re also looking for an anal-incentive desk squatter to write grants, establish cohesive lunch hour sing-alongs, and tell us what to do tomorrow. College grad preferred. No Protestants. Fin and Gland, Denver.
Need a Maid: Just someone to keep my house clean, cook my meals an go away – Neil, Topanga Canyon.
Why rent in Hell when you can buy? What do you care if it’s a thirty year or fifteen year mortgage? What does the man on TV mean about “the eternal investment”? If you’ve answered “yes” to three or more of the above questions we want to talk to you! Let’s face it friend…You’re here for the duration and your financial future is at stake. This offer is in no way associated with Ol’ Scratch Time Shares International. For more information send us your complete name, address an sociable security number. We promise not to sell mailing lists unless it is in the best interest of the client.
Upwardly mobile pawn seeks kings, queens, knights, bishops for summer romance. No rooks. Checkmate services, Wimpton.
If we don’t have your food to your table in less than 24 hours it’s probably cold. Offer void during World Cup matches. Grady’s Gravy Heaven. Now at Bland-Terminal Mall, Aspirin.
Wounded animals are dangerous. Stay away from wounded animals – This message paid for by your Colorado Division of Wildlife, 86 Bad Neighborhood Vista, Denver.
Wocal West Home looking fow secuwity guawd. Send resume to Elmer Fudd, Head of Secuwity, Wambwing Wake Viwwage, Montwose.
Will trade new hunting rifle for Streisand tickets. Lorenzo of Tin Cup. Lost: King size waterbed on Ohio Pass. Reward. Call me on my smell phone.
Jake Brake Cologne – The right scent for the over-the-road warrior who hopes to make it down to Ouray before dark. Available at Red’s Mountain Pass, Otto’s and other fine eateries with large parking lots. Bottled under the strict supervision of her majesty, Mother Cline.
Found: Small Good Neighbor Spam doggie sweater at the top of Lizard Head Pass. Half turned over to authorities in Dolores County, the other half to the San Miguel County Sheriff’s Office in Rico. Keys to 75-foot RV tossed into woods. Glad to have been a help.
Local meatball seeks young tomato for clandestine relationship. I hate pushy frogs, drive a cab-over pickup and like to sleep late on Saturday mornings. My brother is available too. References. Stop by Apocalypse Trees and Shrubs, on the Indian Massacre Highway in South Manana.
Will trade 1961 Topp’s Roger Maris baseball car for righteous bungalow in San Miguel County. Rookie Pete Rose for condo in Ouray. Have 1964 Fleer Ken and Clete Boyer cards as well as team cards of the Cardinals and Yankees. Will swap for 40 acres on Spring Creek Mesa. Perfectly preserved Don Newcombe, Don Drysdale, Sandy Koufax, Clem Labine staff card. Willing to part with this gem for small ranch in Hotchkiss. Many other sports treasures too. Ted Turner Cardboard Land Company.
ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTER CUFF LINKS almost in time for Father’s Day. All Jewelry by David is non-edible. It is created with jewelry tools on a silly bench with intruders always on premises intent on opening my bar without the advantage of laser support or common sense. Party-O Ventures.
LEARN TO FLY THE BIG RIGS! Classes now forming. Budget Airlines, Denver and Cheyenne.
Will wash your car all summer in return for long distance telephone privileges in your home. Got any sisters? Whitewater Walt. Watch for me in the bar ditch along Highway 50 or at any used food outlet.
VOODOO DOLLS for the links. Tired of watching others putt well while you miss the cup? Works great on drives and even at the 19th hole. Marie Laveau, NOLA.
For sale: Humor publication drawn and quartered in Rocky Mountains. Current publisher seeks to pursue life of crime including outdoor activities, indoor activities, childhood fantasies, adult conversation and lewd afternoon cocktail parties. $180,000. Includes all fixtures human and otherwise, one-of-a-kind office furniture, water cooler, life-size Baja Porky Pig Sheriff Savings Bank, picture of Slim Whitman at the Garden of the Gods, seaworthy filing cabinet used only once on the beach during the first Normandy Invasion, reconditioned outboard engine, what’s left of the air freshener dispenser, Havana cigar box stuffed with plutonium Disney figurines. Will trade for high paying snow removal position in struggling Caribbean democracy and $175,000. No checks. Serious buyers only. 30% to peruse over three sets of books. Melvin Toole Ponga Brokers, Box 615, Gunnison, CO 81230.
I retired at six-years-old. So can/should you. Send $25 for kit to Melvin Toole c/o this rattle sheet.
Devious drunkard seeks small, beat up trailer for use during the warmer months. Will be constantly late on rent and leave the whole shooting match a mess when autumn arrives and I go hunting and then back out to sleep in the woods. References on request. Will Also consider caretaker position unless I decide to go to Mexico for the holidays. Warren of Wexley evenings at Apocalypse Liquors, Wimpton Circle.
FOR SALE: CRESTED BUTTE SKI AREA. Serious inquiries only. Does not include meat division or latest snow making technology. Market price.
Hardtack Horoscope
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
If you’re out looking for answers be careful not to trip on the questions. Clues can be blinding and may easily get you off the trail. Distractions placed along the way by those who seek to destroy you may turn out to be shrouded, thorny episodes in an otherwise privileged life. Don’t get discouraged if you discover only pieces of the puzzle. When your energy diminishes don’t get cranky, just cease operations for the day and take a nap. What you seek will still be there tomorrow. Tonight: Dictate foreign policy to domestic help.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t make a major issue out of what is at best a trivial departure from the norm. It’s better to down-size and blow off what is reputedly imperative. If you insist on infusing importance to petty issues you should look into a career in politics. Carefully read all small print, paying little attention to screaming headlines. For now success may not be in accord with your personal agenda. In the near future winning and losing may look the same and allow you to keep pace with inferiors at home and at the work place. Tonight: Brussels sprouts on impulse.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Curtail the obsession to consume. You don’t really need another cowboy hat. Your wardrobe, though terribly bland, is functional at least for someone in your state of being. Slow down and shop around for a better price. There is no rush to acquire accessories. It is unlikely that anyone will see the holes in your socks until the spring anyway. Dry clean all avocations before going out in public. Note: The selection of smaller hat sizes may be difficult to find once tourist season arrives. Tonight: Keep your elbows out of the finger food.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Embrace the fools’ errand and you will neglect the wisdom attained in your own backyard. If you don’t have a backyard try the alley. Gated communities are there to keep people like you on the right side of the fence. Go ahead…get yourself in a dither over negative situations yet to evolve. Temper optimism. Shortcomings will not go unnoticed when a co-worker puts the bite on you. Your stream of unique ideas may dry up without a trusty irrigation shovel by your side. Tonight: Examine holes in your thinking.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Learn to flex in romantic relationships. Let your sweetie have his/her way. It’s cheaper than counseling. Extremes, both emotional and fiscal, may lead to impractical expectations when it comes to pet waste removal. It’s OK to be afraid of other star signs. When making poor decision wait until all the information is at hand. You possess little in the way of style, so don’t worry about someone cramping it. Taurus can be a stabilizer or an albatross. Tonight: Beam someone up.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Time spent in front of a mirror should be more reflective. If you don’t see yourself clearly what chance do your peers have at understanding your transparent moods. Innovative solutions are often biodegradable but may throw a wrench into the compost heap. Watch others work. Your dynamic approach to dermatology may not work with lepers out on a limb. There is always new turf to explore through total immersion and a topo map turned upside down. Cease all nurturing until further notice. Tonight: Vanish quickly after dessert.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Tough to handle a family member? Throw a blanket over them until they see the light. Two by four is eight. Use tear gas only as a last resort. Communication with some people is greatly over-rated. Yelling at a blind mule is often effective in the early morning hours. An object in motion will stay in motion so you best get out of the way. Curb aggressiveness and frustration then clean it all up with the scooper. Accept invitations that involve being around angry mobs. It’s all in your mind anyway. Tonight: A mob of one.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Fizzling bundles of energy can be annoying. Understand the difference between fiesta and siesta and you will not get salsa on your sheets. Sensations of mud invoke nostalgic longing as you remember your own evolution from sophisticated fish to sub-human. Hypocrisy is only a temporary solution. Your ruling planet, Mercury goes retrograde by the end of the week…Try an oil change. Stop acting like a two-year-old in a business suit. Shut up, do your work and go home before lush hour. You have not abandoned your youth but it may have abandoned you. Tonight: Take a nap before bed.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
If you talk the talk and walk the walk you are officially multi-tasked and should not have to be bothered with monotonous chores or tedious follow-through. Satisfaction arrives in small doses but an occasional binge or the desire to indulge should not upset the celestial turnip cart. Lubricate all shifting mental gears. The world may be your oyster but someone is hogging the horseradish. Define destiny and embrace the cosmos but take a cab after dark. Those people on the TV news are your only real friends. Tonight: Bond with an anchor.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Reassess surviving values. Stabilize objects before the pursuit. Be a sport. Compare ethics before preaching. Attend to the burdens of increased wealth by spending more than you possess. Buy a recovering wino a deluxe ant farm. Fake charisma. Opposites attack. Be sure to back up all lies with facts. Run your dog, not your mouth. Manifest your density. When making inroads watch out for deer and elk. Keep your personal life separate from romance through the 17th. Obey orders! Consider: Why does the Howler Monkey sit in the mango tree? Tonight: Store all perishables by expiration date.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Emphasize long term goals in short order and get on with present wastefulness. A sensuous Scorpio may push your button over the lunch hour. Put all radical changes on your credit card. Take care not to wet yourself when absorbing information. Use a bucket and sponge when encountering well-worn morality. If your perspective seems out of kilter try standing on your head before making longwinded decisions. You really can do it all but why would you want to? Tonight: Say yes to chaos.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Offers of second-hand advice may result in third-string undertakings. Drift. Just because you adopt a low profile approach doesn’t mean you have to reach for a solution. A beer can is an audio-visual aid. Take it slow in the arena of marvelous accomplishments or others may expect you to be functional all the time. Chew your food well and let others swallow their pride. Your mental prowess may fall short of solicited alternatives. Keep smiling…Be proud that you still have three or four teeth to display. Tonight: Industriousness is your middle name.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, favorite of the zodiac, brother to the moon, pawn to the elements, reluctant sage, a mere insect in the cosmos.
Primavera Astrograph
The following starlit appraisal appears in a bilingual state due to daydreams and serious distractions incurred during a recent sojourn to Southeast Asia. We hope that our reader will be familiar enough with the cosmic flow herein to achieve high fidelity in his/her response to heat sensitive accusations, blighted wanderlust and brainstorming in the steaming jungle. Please do not attempt to call us for further advice on our cell phone since, like many of our neighbors in emerging countries that device exists only for status and cannot be considered a serious method of stellar communication.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Pretend it’s your birthday today. Take the day off work and be lazy. Who knows you may get some nice gifts and someone with less to do than you might bake you a nice cake. Tomorrow: Pretend it’s Christmas. Others clearly want to get along without you or at least not be down-wind. Plant your garden in neat rows, then sit back and wait for a late frosty to strangle the life from volunteer crops. What the ice don’t get the deer will enjoy. Linear thinking is a far cry from the french fried fog associated with your recent logic. Tonight: Cuba Libras on the veranda, Amanda.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Armonia en el amor y en la vida social. Opportunidades de matrimonio. Buen momento para disfrutar de las artes y de la musica. Trabaja bien en equipo pero probablemente le desagrade la rutina. Sensible e imaginativo, con frecuencia se inclina por lo creativo. Puede tener talento para escribir y desempenarse admirablemente en lo teatral. Esta noche: Tendra su oportunidad.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Dig into work but watch out for buried power lines. Others are much more serious about your money than you are. Intuition works well when dealing with canned goods. Take your imagination for a long walk. Employ foul language to make a point with superiors. Who is that person looking back from the mirror? A nose job should be considered high priority, at least then some part of your anatomy might be gainfully employed. Get up off that couch and go back to bed. Tonight: Plot against your betters.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Salir por la noche con su pareja o un amigo le hara bien. Tendra meyor confianza en si mismo y mas coraje. Avance hacia el logro de sus ambiciones. Disfrute de actividades fisicas tales como desportes o baile. Moento para darse algunos gustos. Por la noche gozaria con placeres simples. Esat noche: Pescado en su cama.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Nerves of steel cannot always overcome personal magnetism. Hold off on responses until stimuli have landed. Smiling could be regarded as a weakness by competitors or a day off for the tooth fairy. Take a deep breath and hold it. A charming Capricorn will cast you in a sci-fi flick. Your need for human contact may attract pickpockets. Cook all feedback well before consuming. Romance should be served medium rare while solitude is often better steamed over rice. Tonight: Door number three.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Jump at the chance to visit Mars. Avoid placing trust in your inner voice since it doesn’t pay the bills. Listen instead to telephone solicitors. The flatlands beckon. Change hair color to match a friends’ sofa. Think before breaking wind. Document second honeymoons. Stay with short sentences or maybe just for a night or two with relatives until you get a job. Celebrate lawn growth. Placing a loved one up on a pedestal just might increase your elbow room downstairs. It’s hard to stay centered in a world full of rectangles, but it’s better than getting caught in a corner.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Una promesa que le hubiernan hecho no se cumplira. Pero ya sabe cuando una puerta se cierra se abre una ventana. No descuide a su familia y sus obligatciones laborales por divertirse. Aunque desearia escaparse debe enfrentar la realidad. Descanse bien esta noche. No es propio de usted sonar despierto. Las fantasias podrian desilusionarle si se aferra demasiado a ellas. Esta noche: Este alerta.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 -December 21)
Facial ticks become contagious by dawn. Spend afternoons naked. Never kiss the first mate and confront only people who are already on the run. Crowding the trough will only make matters worse. If you insist on chewing the cud while I’m talking to you at least have the common decency to do so with your mouth closed. Serbian policemen do not find your jokes amusing. Life is a long drum solo. Your authority figure could benefit from a strict diet. A bully may make fun of your kilts on Thursday…She’s just jealous of your calves. Tonight: Rat on a neighbor.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your galactic condition demands medical attention. How do you expect to merge with the cosmos when you’ve run out of gas? There is no name tag on precocious. Identify adverbs before they identify you. Break from tradition…Deposit your welfare check. Detour the impulse to compromise. Take the straight ahead approach in a round and about way. Life builds character…The government builds prisons. Mumble: It’s far more difficult to be taken literally that way. Juris Prudence is not a topless dance. Tonight: Marvel and hanging plants.
AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 18)
Account for waking hours. Embrace a healthy fiscal philosophy by leaving cash, checks and credit cards at home. Invest in rare meat tins. Avoid respectability through the end of the month. Your future is in your hands but only if you learn to think on your feet. Chances of outsmarting yourself have been exhausted. Common sense is totally out of the question. Planting onions next to roses could make for a tedious harvest. Quality time in the jungle could free you up from chores at the zoo. Tonight: Gin is your cup of tea.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Famine and chain saws just don’t mix. We all need someone we can careen on. The handicapped never asked for all those parking places. Don’t blame them. Blame the feds. Sorry, the catbird seat is taken. Try the peanut gallery. No freeloaders on the gangplank. Fresh horses all around! The gap between your ears will only function with a little practice. Throw it a few scraps and see how it responds. Hyenas understand extended family and creative uses for leftovers. Burn those bridges but watch the hydrocarbons. Tonight: Pole vaulting with a vengeance.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Sagittarius will be bored with your inner secrets. Laughter marks the day’s end. Unfortunately you are the butt of the joke. Be open to processed creativity. Recognize limitations even if they are in disguise. Shake up the status quo…and while you’re at it shake up a pitcher of martinis. Much you believe isn’t confirmed. Much of what you hear has yet to be said. Never run with scissors but apparently it’s OK with a bayonet. Focus on concrete. It’s far easier to construct a chicken coop than a financial coup. Tonight: Flirt with exotic fish.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, palmist, seer, wannabe swami
The Sporting Life with Botsie
Sunday was the first warn day up here, captains, and last week I found my first dandelion green on a south-facing slope, so it is time for my yearly column about a dandelion salad. It is not exactly the dandelion season here yet; the best time to dig for dandelions is when the robin starts to dig for worms. But since spring is coming to most of the readers sooner than it comes to Crested Butte, I will do this column now so you readers can get dandelions when they are at their young best.
What you want to get is the real young dandelion greens — almost before they are really green. The best eating dandelions are the little reddish-green or whitefish shoots that you see grow where the snow has just melted from off the ground.
Later on, when the snows are all gone and the dandelions seem to mostly be old dandelions, go to the fields and pastures, and look on the mounds by the gopher holes; there you will usually find little shoots.
Take a knife for getting the greens, make sure you go beneath the soil to get the whole green, as the part just above the roots is the tender part.
When you have got a box or a pan full of dandelion greens, take them home and wash them good to get all the grit off them. Then let them sit overnight if possible in a pan of cold water, to crisp them up. You can treat them just about like lettuce, keep them in your refrigerator crisper if you want.
You eat them just like you would eat an endive lettuce too. I like to salt them real good, and mix them with oil and vinegar, when I want a good fast salad.
If I have a little more time, I make up this special bacon-grease salad dressing. To make it, you cut up a piece of slab bacon into tiny chunks; then you put them in a pan, along with some Mazola-type oil, and let them simmer until the chunks are crisp. Then you take the pan off the stove to cool it off. As soon as it is cool enough so the vinegar does not splatter if it hits the grease, add wine vinegar to suit your taste. Then put the pan back on the stove to keep it warm. When you are ready to serve the salad, pour the bacon grease dressing over the dandelion greens. This is a hard-to-beat salad, captains; I guarantee you will like it with fish and potatoes, or maybe a steak.
Keep the dandelion recipes in mind; this kind of a salad is especially handy if you are going on a camping trip. There is no need to pack along lettuce with the good Lord providing dandelions at every gopher hole or snow bank. But it is also nice even if you are just at home—when you go out to weed the lawn the next time, save the dandelions, and you will have two jobs done at once.
(Our good friend Rudolph Spritzer passed on a few years back but we still communicate almost on a daily basis. This is one of his best columns written in 1974.)
Letters to the Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Do cats suck the breath of babies? Odie
Dear Odie: It is a common but mistaken notion that cats sometimes suck the breath of human beings. Many people believe that children are often almost suffocated by having their breath sucked by cats. This belief no doubt arose from the fact that cats like to sit or lie on the breast of a sleeping person, thus making breathing somewhat difficult, especially in the case of a baby or small child. Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Does a snake’s tail wiggle until sunset? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous There is an old belief that after the rest of a snake is killed its tail will continue to live until sundown. Owing to the reaction of the snake’s nervous system its tail will continue to wiggle long after the snake is otherwise apparently dead. But there is nothing to the notion that it will continue to wiggle until sunset and then stop. PGAM
Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Does a drowned man float face down and a woman face up? Surfer Joe, Ouray Pool
Dear Surfer There is a popular belief that the body of a drowned man floats face down and that of a woman face up. The belief, however, is not confirmed by observation. Lifeguards who have seen hundreds of drowned persons say if it holds true in some cases it is probably due to the difference in the wearing apparel customarily worn by men and women. Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Why do dogs often turn around several times before lying down? Garfield
Dear Garfield Nearly everybody has observed that some dogs often turn around several times before lying down. Scientists attempt to explain this trait by the theory of evolution. They say that our domestic dogs descended from a species of wild dog or wolf. These progenitors of the dog lived in the forest or brush and in order to find a comfortable place to rest they had to trample down the grass and other vegetation. A relic of this instinct still survives in the dog which turns around several times before lying down. On this subject Professor John Arthur Thomson, the noted Scotch naturalist, says: “The hand of the past is upon the present, both for good and ill. Take, for instance, a common sight – the sleepy dog turning round and round on the hearth-rug. In its sleepiness there has probably reawakened the ancient habit of turning round and round in the herbage so as to make a comfortable bed for the night. It is probable that the living hand of the past is on the dog in front of the fire.” PGAM
Dear Pea Green Answer Man
What distinguishes a blond from a brunet (sic)? Goldilocks
Dear Goldilocks The terms blond and brunet are relative. It is impossible to draw a sharp distinction between them. Many persons have both blond and brunet characteristics. Generally in such a classification the complexion of the skin and the color of the hair and the eyes are taken into consideration. A blond is a person with light or pale skin, light hair and blue or gray eyes; a brunet is a person with dark or olive skin and brown or black hair and eyes. Pea Green Answer Man
