Primavera Astrograph

The following starlit appraisal appears in a bilingual state due to daydreams and serious distractions incurred during a recent sojourn to Southeast Asia. We hope that our reader will be familiar enough with the cosmic flow herein to achieve high fidelity in his/her response to heat sensitive accusations, blighted wanderlust and brainstorming in the steaming jungle. Please do not attempt to call us for further advice on our cell phone since, like many of our neighbors in emerging countries that device exists only for status and cannot be considered a serious method of stellar communication.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Pretend it’s your birthday today. Take the day off work and be lazy. Who knows you may get some nice gifts and someone with less to do than you might bake you a nice cake. Tomorrow: Pretend it’s Christmas. Others clearly want to get along without you or at least not be down-wind. Plant your garden in neat rows, then sit back and wait for a late frosty to strangle the life from volunteer crops. What the ice don’t get the deer will enjoy. Linear thinking is a far cry from the french fried fog associated with your recent logic. Tonight: Cuba Libras on the veranda, Amanda.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Armonia en el amor y en la vida social. Opportunidades de matrimonio. Buen momento para disfrutar de las artes y de la musica. Trabaja bien en equipo pero probablemente le desagrade la rutina. Sensible e imaginativo, con frecuencia se inclina por lo creativo. Puede tener talento para escribir y desempenarse admirablemente en lo teatral. Esta noche: Tendra su oportunidad.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Dig into work but watch out for buried power lines. Others are much more serious about your money than you are. Intuition works well when dealing with canned goods. Take your imagination for a long walk. Employ foul language to make a point with superiors. Who is that person looking back from the mirror? A nose job should be considered high priority, at least then some part of your anatomy might be gainfully employed. Get up off that couch and go back to bed. Tonight: Plot against your betters.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Salir por la noche con su pareja o un amigo le hara bien. Tendra meyor confianza en si mismo y mas coraje. Avance hacia el logro de sus ambiciones. Disfrute de actividades fisicas tales como desportes o baile. Moento para darse algunos gustos. Por la noche gozaria con placeres simples. Esat noche: Pescado en su cama.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Nerves of steel cannot always overcome personal magnetism. Hold off on responses until stimuli have landed. Smiling could be regarded as a weakness by competitors or a day off for the tooth fairy. Take a deep breath and hold it. A charming Capricorn will cast you in a sci-fi flick. Your need for human contact may attract pickpockets. Cook all feedback well before consuming. Romance should be served medium rare while solitude is often better steamed over rice. Tonight: Door number three.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Jump at the chance to visit Mars. Avoid placing trust in your inner voice since it doesn’t pay the bills. Listen instead to telephone solicitors. The flatlands beckon. Change hair color to match a friends’ sofa. Think before breaking wind. Document second honeymoons. Stay with short sentences or maybe just for a night or two with relatives until you get a job. Celebrate lawn growth. Placing a loved one up on a pedestal just might increase your elbow room downstairs. It’s hard to stay centered in a world full of rectangles, but it’s better than getting caught in a corner.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Una promesa que le hubiernan hecho no se cumplira. Pero ya sabe cuando una puerta se cierra se abre una ventana. No descuide a su familia y sus obligatciones laborales por divertirse. Aunque desearia escaparse debe enfrentar la realidad. Descanse bien esta noche. No es propio de usted sonar despierto. Las fantasias podrian desilusionarle si se aferra demasiado a ellas. Esta noche: Este alerta.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 -December 21)
Facial ticks become contagious by dawn. Spend afternoons naked. Never kiss the first mate and confront only people who are already on the run. Crowding the trough will only make matters worse. If you insist on chewing the cud while I’m talking to you at least have the common decency to do so with your mouth closed. Serbian policemen do not find your jokes amusing. Life is a long drum solo. Your authority figure could benefit from a strict diet. A bully may make fun of your kilts on Thursday…She’s just jealous of your calves. Tonight: Rat on a neighbor.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your galactic condition demands medical attention. How do you expect to merge with the cosmos when you’ve run out of gas? There is no name tag on precocious. Identify adverbs before they identify you. Break from tradition…Deposit your welfare check. Detour the impulse to compromise. Take the straight ahead approach in a round and about way. Life builds character…The government builds prisons. Mumble: It’s far more difficult to be taken literally that way. Juris Prudence is not a topless dance. Tonight: Marvel and hanging plants.

AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 18)
Account for waking hours. Embrace a healthy fiscal philosophy by leaving cash, checks and credit cards at home. Invest in rare meat tins. Avoid respectability through the end of the month. Your future is in your hands but only if you learn to think on your feet. Chances of outsmarting yourself have been exhausted. Common sense is totally out of the question. Planting onions next to roses could make for a tedious harvest. Quality time in the jungle could free you up from chores at the zoo. Tonight: Gin is your cup of tea.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Famine and chain saws just don’t mix. We all need someone we can careen on. The handicapped never asked for all those parking places. Don’t blame them. Blame the feds. Sorry, the catbird seat is taken. Try the peanut gallery. No freeloaders on the gangplank. Fresh horses all around! The gap between your ears will only function with a little practice. Throw it a few scraps and see how it responds. Hyenas understand extended family and creative uses for leftovers. Burn those bridges but watch the hydrocarbons. Tonight: Pole vaulting with a vengeance.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Sagittarius will be bored with your inner secrets. Laughter marks the day’s end. Unfortunately you are the butt of the joke. Be open to processed creativity. Recognize limitations even if they are in disguise. Shake up the status quo…and while you’re at it shake up a pitcher of martinis. Much you believe isn’t confirmed. Much of what you hear has yet to be said. Never run with scissors but apparently it’s OK with a bayonet. Focus on concrete. It’s far easier to construct a chicken coop than a financial coup. Tonight: Flirt with exotic fish.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, palmist, seer, wannabe swami