Hardtack Horoscope

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
If you’re out looking for answers be careful not to trip on the questions. Clues can be blinding and may easily get you off the trail. Distractions placed along the way by those who seek to destroy you may turn out to be shrouded, thorny episodes in an otherwise privileged life. Don’t get discouraged if you discover only pieces of the puzzle. When your energy diminishes don’t get cranky, just cease operations for the day and take a nap. What you seek will still be there tomorrow. Tonight: Dictate foreign policy to domestic help.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t make a major issue out of what is at best a trivial departure from the norm. It’s better to down-size and blow off what is reputedly imperative. If you insist on infusing importance to petty issues you should look into a career in politics. Carefully read all small print, paying little attention to screaming headlines. For now success may not be in accord with your personal agenda. In the near future winning and losing may look the same and allow you to keep pace with inferiors at home and at the work place. Tonight: Brussels sprouts on impulse.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Curtail the obsession to consume. You don’t really need another cowboy hat. Your wardrobe, though terribly bland, is functional at least for someone in your state of being. Slow down and shop around for a better price. There is no rush to acquire accessories. It is unlikely that anyone will see the holes in your socks until the spring anyway. Dry clean all avocations before going out in public. Note: The selection of smaller hat sizes may be difficult to find once tourist season arrives. Tonight: Keep your elbows out of the finger food.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Embrace the fools’ errand and you will neglect the wisdom attained in your own backyard. If you don’t have a backyard try the alley. Gated communities are there to keep people like you on the right side of the fence. Go ahead…get yourself in a dither over negative situations yet to evolve. Temper optimism. Shortcomings will not go unnoticed when a co-worker puts the bite on you. Your stream of unique ideas may dry up without a trusty irrigation shovel by your side. Tonight: Examine holes in your thinking.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Learn to flex in romantic relationships. Let your sweetie have his/her way. It’s cheaper than counseling. Extremes, both emotional and fiscal, may lead to impractical expectations when it comes to pet waste removal. It’s OK to be afraid of other star signs. When making poor decision wait until all the information is at hand. You possess little in the way of style, so don’t worry about someone cramping it. Taurus can be a stabilizer or an albatross. Tonight: Beam someone up.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Time spent in front of a mirror should be more reflective. If you don’t see yourself clearly what chance do your peers have at understanding your transparent moods. Innovative solutions are often biodegradable but may throw a wrench into the compost heap. Watch others work. Your dynamic approach to dermatology may not work with lepers out on a limb. There is always new turf to explore through total immersion and a topo map turned upside down. Cease all nurturing until further notice. Tonight: Vanish quickly after dessert.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Tough to handle a family member? Throw a blanket over them until they see the light. Two by four is eight. Use tear gas only as a last resort. Communication with some people is greatly over-rated. Yelling at a blind mule is often effective in the early morning hours. An object in motion will stay in motion so you best get out of the way. Curb aggressiveness and frustration then clean it all up with the scooper. Accept invitations that involve being around angry mobs. It’s all in your mind anyway. Tonight: A mob of one.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Fizzling bundles of energy can be annoying. Understand the difference between fiesta and siesta and you will not get salsa on your sheets. Sensations of mud invoke nostalgic longing as you remember your own evolution from sophisticated fish to sub-human. Hypocrisy is only a temporary solution. Your ruling planet, Mercury goes retrograde by the end of the week…Try an oil change. Stop acting like a two-year-old in a business suit. Shut up, do your work and go home before lush hour. You have not abandoned your youth but it may have abandoned you. Tonight: Take a nap before bed.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
If you talk the talk and walk the walk you are officially multi-tasked and should not have to be bothered with monotonous chores or tedious follow-through. Satisfaction arrives in small doses but an occasional binge or the desire to indulge should not upset the celestial turnip cart. Lubricate all shifting mental gears. The world may be your oyster but someone is hogging the horseradish. Define destiny and embrace the cosmos but take a cab after dark. Those people on the TV news are your only real friends. Tonight: Bond with an anchor.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Reassess surviving values. Stabilize objects before the pursuit. Be a sport. Compare ethics before preaching. Attend to the burdens of increased wealth by spending more than you possess. Buy a recovering wino a deluxe ant farm. Fake charisma. Opposites attack. Be sure to back up all lies with facts. Run your dog, not your mouth. Manifest your density. When making inroads watch out for deer and elk. Keep your personal life separate from romance through the 17th. Obey orders! Consider: Why does the Howler Monkey sit in the mango tree? Tonight: Store all perishables by expiration date.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Emphasize long term goals in short order and get on with present wastefulness. A sensuous Scorpio may push your button over the lunch hour. Put all radical changes on your credit card. Take care not to wet yourself when absorbing information. Use a bucket and sponge when encountering well-worn morality. If your perspective seems out of kilter try standing on your head before making longwinded decisions. You really can do it all but why would you want to? Tonight: Say yes to chaos.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Offers of second-hand advice may result in third-string undertakings. Drift. Just because you adopt a low profile approach doesn’t mean you have to reach for a solution. A beer can is an audio-visual aid. Take it slow in the arena of marvelous accomplishments or others may expect you to be functional all the time. Chew your food well and let others swallow their pride. Your mental prowess may fall short of solicited alternatives. Keep smiling…Be proud that you still have three or four teeth to display. Tonight: Industriousness is your middle name.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, favorite of the zodiac, brother to the moon, pawn to the elements, reluctant sage, a mere insect in the cosmos.