All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Packaging Etc.
I think I saw you
on a package
of frozen fish
pointing and smiling
with all your might.
Capped teeth and a
housewife dress hanging off
you like a designer sack.
And your hair was all cut off.
A different lady than I knew in 1970.
And the fish was nothing special.
(October 26, 2014)
Sister Sally
Sister Sally
Sister Sally
Party girl
Dirt in her ears.
Empty Norman
Floating Norman
Simple boy
—Can’t grow whiskers.
Empty Norman
and Sister Sally
run off by morning
to passion’s back alley.
They silence the puritans
With red wrinkled answers
all bankers and lawyers
and singers and dancers.
(October 26, 2014)
Chief Crazy Horse Warning
- “We were the first victims of corporate
greed, lies and violence.
You are the next.”
– the Ghost of Chief Crazy House, September, 2014
Citizen’s Group to Monitor IRS
(Hooter’s Hollow, Colorado — San Juan Horseshoe – September 25, 2014)
A newly formed citizen’s action group will begin monitoring all phases of the Internal Revenue Service as of January, 2015. The group, composed of professionals, students and defrocked accountants will watch the rogue taxing agency 24 hours-a-day.
Over in neighboring Stringville activists have taken the stakeout to new lengths often holding IRS agents hostage and improvising roadblocks to control cash flow. The observers have set up bi-weekly tax information seminars where citizens can ask questions and fend off harassment by the IRS by employing a defense system against a levying agency that answers to no one.
“Already we have undressed the primary issues and have constructed a firm policy that protects the little guy while it confronts the former untouchables at the IRS.
One concept that met with overwhelming approval was the establishment of an open season on pushy agents. It would resemble a small game season, but no license would be required. The hunter must carry a copy of his last tax return and be prepared to present same when applicable.
Other issues that seem headed for adoption include the hiring of more blind agents and the issuing of cash rewards for particularly creative returns.
– Manual Flushe
Old MacDonald Had a Farm
(San Juan Horseshoe Western Colorado’s Humor Paper September 25, 2014)
Old MacDonald had a farm
EE-I-EE-I-O
And on that farm he owed some debt
EE-I-EE-I-O
For equipment here
and the spring seed there
Here’s a buck
There’s a buck
Everywhere just rotten luck
Old MacDonald kept his farm
EE-I-EE-I-O
And on his farm there came the bank
EE-I-EE-I-O
With a “Pay me now
or I’ll take the plow”
Harsh debates
Broken gates
Lowered interest rates?
Old MacDonald saved his farm
EE-I-EE-I-O
And in the town he ran a tab
EE-I-EE-I-O
With a dollar here and I’ll pay next year
Fast food makes you fat
Genetically modified acrobat
Old MacDonald gives up hope
EE-I-EE-I-O
His last chance is you and I
EE-I-EE-I –O
But we’re so busy
Can’t you see?
We don’t care no more
…Buy milk at the store
Old MacDonald’s farm is sold
EE-I-EE-I-O
Corporation here…corporation there
Stocks up — checks are sent
Farms are for development.
We’ll grow food up on the Moon
EE-I-EE-I-O
Ridgway to be flooded “again”
(North Cora) The town of Ridgway may find itself in cold water before long according to the Bureau of Land Management, which has secured the right to build a second “shadow” dam at Dallas Meadows.
The additional structure has become necessary after extended studies shed bright light on problems at Dutch Charlie’s Mega-Wall to the north. Although built with precision and high tech coordination the dam may not hold back much water in an emergency.
“If we had two dams we might resolve leakage and especially serious breakage from the raging Uncompahgre,” said Arnold Gernot of the BLM. “We are very sorry to inconvenience the residents of Ridgway who have invested millions in such infrastructure as houses and storefronts but progress is progress and we will do what must be done.”
Many of our longtime readers will remember when Ridgway was primed for induced flooding back in the 60s and 70s, when people living there were told the place would soon be under water. Fortunately for realtors, ranchers and the now bloated town government plans changed and the river was dammed miles to the north.
Water conserved at the dam was to be used to irrigate onion fields down country. The reservoir would be used for recreation. All of these things have come to pass.
Inhabitants here say the second dam is a punitive reaction” by the gov’ment to muffle protests. They insist that the wildlife fence was erected to keep them in more than to keep deer and elk out.
Gernot denied the accusations saying the fence was built to accentuate the landscape, link future waterways and teach the herds a hard lesson in migratory shifts and dietary priorities.
“How can these people scream about totalitarianism when there are escape gate everywhere,” slammed Gernot. “The fences are there to keep the serfs from hurting themselves.”
The new constructed is slated to begin tomorrow which should give residents 24 hours to vacate the premises. The BLM is currently working with aid agencies to provide temporary shelter and canned food will be available three times per day.
“Again we apologize for these minor inconveniences,” flapped Gernot, “but in reality if people want to avoid these clashes with inevitable growth they should have built their lives in more rural settings.”
The National Guard will arrive to help people move out of their houses and assure protocol is maintained during the Code Blue evacuation. Attention to pine beetles, climate change and ever-threatening drought will be placed on the back burner until 2017.
Although many remain convinced that the flooding will never occur they are concerned that all this preliminary activity will destroy the town park, which has been designated as the Command Post for gov’ment activity throughout the project.
“We’ve had hell here trying to create a green, healthy lawn and now the feds will be stomping all over our work,” said one greens keeper on loan from Dallas Divine Golf Corpse on Log Hill Mesa. “Initial probes on the part of BLM engineers have already succeeded in flooding the post office and have threatened several palatial structures raised by the local humane society from sales of used clothing.”
Mountain Market has confirmed that sales of watercraft, snorkeling equipment and sandbags are up 60% in apprehension of the crisis while Ridgway Hardware has extended hours to deal with projected overflows.
