All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Landmark to Host Movie Nights
The following are but a sampling of the fine classic films
to be screened this winter at the Colona Slaughterhouse Theater
Mrs. Dracula (Hank’s Films, 1934)
In this sequel to “Dracula’s Hometown Girl” the vampire’s widow and seven children must cope with life on the other side. Mrs. Dracula: Ethel Smithers; Professor Bendix: Avery Bligh; Sacrificial Virgin Donna: Betty Garble (her first role.) 99 minutes.
No Viet Cong Ever Called Me For a Date (Within You – Without You-Beside You Pictures)
A spoiled rich socialite (Sally Carp) flunks out of high school then learns a lesson in true love during a magical mystery tour through Northern Laos. Ho Chi Minh: Jack Nickelodeon; Che Guevara: Peter Fonda; Thomas Paine: Andy Warhol.
Apache Misunderstanding (Despot Studios, 1949)
Hearing that the Apaches are lodging a complaint with the US Government concerning the poor conditions on their reservation, a rancher, Ted Cassidy (who later played Lurch on the Adams Family) fears the worst, so he shoots his family rather than have them see him pay higher taxes to placate the local tribes. Geronimo Jones: Victor Mature; Momma Custer; Gwen Hick. 88 minutes.
They Came From Way Up There in the Sky (Big One Productions, 1950)
An alien spacecraft crash-lands on the Pentagon but the Joint Chiefs deny that it ever happened. ZZYXXPHN: Alan Ladd; Dr. Champion: Annabelle Wong. Pentagon: Cheap Styrofoam replica.
Island of Sweat (M&M, 1947)
Marooned on a tropical island paradise with seven gorgeous women, a man (Slick Adams) desperately tries to remain faithful to his one true love, Sister Agnes of Wellesley, who has recently taken the vow of silence. Monday: Ann Carcass; Coconuts: Shirley Jones; Palm Trees: Cheap Styrofoam replica from yard sale in Virginia.
Steamed (Tantamount, 1982)
Curt Jergens fights back against the system by mailing his toenail clippings to people selected at random from the local telephone book. Winken: Jonnie Foster; Blinken: Tater O’Neill; Old Forester: Pinky Lee; Nod: Max Von Sydow. 77 minutes.
The Dead Smell Something Awful
(Slice ‘Em and Dice ‘Em, 1988)
Dead folks raise a big stink in a normally fragrant alpine town. Marie Cornwall: Dianne Lane; Gorbo: Charlie Rocket; Sheriff Pete: Ronald Reagan Junior.
Conga Line to Victory (Wellstoned, 1943)
Fantastic yarn adapted for the silver screen. About a USO dance troupe smashing the Axis by twirling around its leaders until they puke. Trip: Donald Ducketape; Shinbone: Veronica lake; Hitler: Max Kaplansky; Mussolini Dancers directed by Dolores Alegria-Turpentino.
Son of Onan Meets Queen of the Eye-Poppers (Jotunheim, 1953)
Oyah, son of the insignificant Biblical character, Onan, selflessly leads a lost tribe of big-busted women to his tent. Sixteenth in a series. Oya: Stewart Smiley; Queen LaLa: Tina Loiuse; Slave Girl One: Beverly Hill. 6 hours.
Defective Parts of Frankenstein (Nadir, 1968)
The monster barely begins to terrorize the countryside when he is recalled to the castle for a steering mechanism and hair bag dysfunction. The initial foul up drags hapless characters into the fiscal reality of a complete overhaul. Barn Frankenstein: Leonard Nimoy; Creature: Orson Welles; Skinny-Dipping village girls: Diana Ross and the Supreme Quart. Mangy dogs on the set: Mangy dogs from last Funny Animal Videos session.
Update: Canadian Christmas Tournament
Polar Bears (U-18) 14 Elves 0
Soothing soaks this winter
A soothing soak in the the Wiesbaden’s vapor cave is a world-class bone-warming experience that should not be missed. Above is the outdoor pool in fall. This mountain treasure is a complete spa with cozy accommodations.
LaPlata Post Office Innovative
Special from the Old Weird Herald — November 13, 2014
(Durango) Postal workers have developed an interesting solution to the presence of mounds of junk mail received at that agency. According to Sally B. Sortear, special assistant general to the Assistant Postmaster General the answer to the problem was right there all the long.
“We simply throw the junk mail in the trash,” she said.
Postal regulations prohibit this practice since the bulk mailers pay annual fees to send their garbage through the mail. The post office contends that the fees keep rates down for other customers.
Durango plans to throw the junk mail directly into the trashcans in the lobby so that people might still pick it up if they choose to do so. Determining what is junk and what is not can be a problem.
“A flyer from some big box outlet may be junk to some but a treasure to others,” said Sortear.
The move comes on the heels of a Congressional investigation into the mental health of federal workers.
“Here at the post office my coworkers experience depression after seeing all the morning’s sorting in the trash,” she added. “When our clients overstuff trash receptacles it makes us feel less than functional but when they remark as to the absence of junk mail, it gives us a sense of well being.
– Arlo Civitate
Days may get shorter warns weatherman
(Denver- Special to The Montrose Mouse October 26, 2014)
A local weatherman in the Mile High City is boldly predicting that the days will begin to get markedly shorter this fall. In a departure from traditional thought, Balmy Brennan, a longtime climatologist and meteorologist on TV, repeated his forecast, matter-of-factly.
Brennan repeated the stark warning again that afternoon at the Brown Palace Polo Club, much to the astonishment of an assembled entourage who had come to learn about climate change before winter arrives.
“We all know about climate change,” said Brennan, “but my calculations clearly indicate that some aspects of the weather will stay the same. The sun will come up and go down. The moon will shine and disappear. The stars will seduce young lovers.”
The weatherman then rolled up his sleeves and got down to the nitty-gritty as to what people might expect in the coming weeks.
“Somehow a conjunction of the earth and the sun dictate the length of daylight hours,” he explained before hecklers drove him from his podium.
“Communist! Witch! Liberal!” they screamed as Brennan retreated in to the Ship’s Tavern Bar followed by a pack of paparazzi and a throng of failed Rockies’ relief pitchers who have been hoping that shorter days may help them forget their disastrous season. – Tommy Middlefinger
Gimme Football
(From University of Colorado Diversions.
Used by Permission)
Volleyball is for girls
Tennis is for sissies
Gimme fuball
Gimme fuball
Chess is for wimps
Swimming is for worms
Gimme futball
Gimme futball
Hockey is for softheads
Golf is for jellyfish
Gimme futball
Gimme futball
Bowling is for whiners
Baseball is for milksops
Gimme futball
Gimme futball
Surfing is for flounders
Jogging is for turtles
Gimme futball
Gimme futball
Yachting is for pantywaists
Handball is for doormats
Gimme futball
Gimme futball.
– Bill Knuckles as told to
Steve Nagy, Bowling Green
University, November 1970.
