All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

EGGNOG CHOWDER

HOLIDAY cash flow problems got you down. Send us your cash…We can make it flow. Armageddon Plumbing and Heating

Kittens for Christmas! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come New Years and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2016. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1100); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty.  3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed for some of that ambience. No checks. No Irish.

We will continue to enforce the standing moratorium on arts and crafts booths inside Eisenhower Tunnel through spring. Status and validity of produce and fish shacks will be determined by demand . No more warnings. CDOT.

Looking for athletic man or woman to jump out of Cadillac traveling at speeds up to 75 miles per hour. Automatic transmission, power steering included. Good pay. Bathtub Speedway.

For sale: One shiny red sleigh without the eight tiny reindeer. The thing crashed on my land and my freezer was empty. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, Bub. Carmichael Enterprises, Log Hill Mesa.

Wooden teeth, pornographic jello molds, plutonium money clips, aluminum palm trees, cloth birds, personalized pine cones. Will not break up sets. Great gifts. Pat Rat’s Emporium, Manana.

If you survive Christmas Brunch, I’ll buy you Christmas dinner. December 26 only. Grady’s Gravy Heaven. Not associated with Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon or Taco Hell. (Published December 20, 2015 Eggnog Chowder.

Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.

Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy January.

Needed: Rare adjectives, articles, pronouns and colloquialisms for going newsletter. Cash paid daily. See Mr. White at the Indian Massacre Holiday Inn between 10 am and 2 pm any day but today. Sorry, we are not accepting adverbs. American Word Brokers, Tacoma.

Will trade nuclear secrets for cup of rice. Contact Ping Pong Moon in Pyongyang.

Support Wireless Border Security today and keep those people out. Just because your families came from somewhere else doesn’t mean we need any more foreigners in this country. Support the Trump-Cruz Solution. Join a boy scout militia near you now!

Heloise: Please call Abelard on the Pope’s cell phone. Eggnog chowder on Tuesdays only.

Safe Cracking Seminar: Holiday bills got you down already? Do something about it. Learn to break into safes, skirt security alarms, leap tall buildings at a single bound…Testosterone Brothers Financial. We have answers for you!

Televisions surgically removed from your home. Painless out-patient surgery by TV doctors. Post-operative therapy included. Expanded Definition Pest Control of Colona.

Hey Santa: Yo dude.

Why kill a turkey or a pig for Christmas dinner when fish sticks are already dead? Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Cahone.

Recovering Born Agains: Rid yourself of spiritual parasites without denial, powder or counseling. In only three minutes per day you can talk yourself out of what you talked yourself into in the first place. Make sense? Send cash contribution to Lestor Ribald. I am in league with the devil and the deep blue sea. – ad paid for by The Bogeyperson.

Hunt buffalo right from your seat. Weekly tours. Amtrak. We’re in the Jello Pages.

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good only till Christmas Eve. Rudolph.

Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your gift list. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Montrose Books and Gargoyles.

2016 calendars. Could be worth millions if the world ends before 2017. Cash only.

Who took my Lou Reed VD from the Gag Me With a Spoon Saloon on Friday night? Give it back or I’ll cut you real bad. Flower, Norwood.

Christian swingers meets at Salvation Creek in Ridgway every Wednesday until something else develops. Bring your own rope.

Is your dog smarter than you? Close the credibility gap with secret night classes aimed at helping you catch up. Common sense, general knowledge, survival, adaptability, logic. Respond: Dogs Who Love Tequila, Wimpton.

Need person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday until spring. Applicant must have valid driver’s license and submit to simple vision test. No mystics. Demonstrated ability to get along with long-term clientele is a plus. Stop by in person (turn right at the dead end) and ask for Mr. Curtains.

Final scores: Silverton Hypochondria 5, Myopic Fields 4; Meade 12, Dog Fowl 0. More on the men’s room wall.

Celebrity Tour Popular Diversion

(Ridgway, CO     Miller Mesa Moon and Stars     December 10, 2015)

The 2015 Cow Creek Celebrity Tour has been well received and will expand in 2016. Over 20 celebrities, new to the area, have already signed up to view the homes of carpenters, plumbers, masseuses, cowboys and teachers in Ouray County.

The weekend experience is expected to give celebrities (many of whom are self-crowned) a chance to see how mere mortals live their lives. Organizers hope the visits will give the celebrities a peek at acceptable mountains fashion, interior design and culinary preferences in the Rockies.

“That was the first time I’ve ever been in a trailer,” said one sweet young arrival from California. “They’re nice.”

Coming autograph sessions will allow everyone to rub elbows after touring Ridgway Hardware, Billings, Rocky Mountain Jewelry and Alternative Power Enterprises. These leading businesses will offer wine and cheese and encourage conversation between the two entities.

Maps to the local’s homes are available at the local chamber of comments as well as through The New Chinese Theater, Dogs Are Profitable and the Integrated Shelter for Telluride Refugees, which is under construction above the water treatment plant on Domka Avenue.

“Things were rough around here before all the celebrities showed up,” said one old timer from his rocker at the Cookie Tree Saddle Shop. “But now we’re all saved.” – Mario Swervo

Canales de video para acortar versiones

(Hollywood – Empresas de distracción del golpe –  8 de diciembre, 2015)

Los principales redes de videos musicales comenzarán presentando video resumen de vídeos de música popular en lugar de todo el vídeo. Los productores de programas musicales, incluyendo MTV tristemente dicen que son la personalización de las presentaciones debido a la disminución capacidad de atención de la opinión pública estadounidense.

“El tiempo de visualización normal para el presente video musical es de 3 minutos”, explicó Oh Pi Bass, Itinerante Jefe de metro Suburban Registros aquí. “La mayoría de la gente hoy en día no se pueden concentrar en tanto como dos líneas y mucho menos una historia.

“La idea es acortar el vídeo a 15 segundos con sólo el ritmo adecuado y suficiente bache y moler para mantener la atención de una piña o calabaza de verano.

“Acabamos de mostrar un destello de piel, un primer plano de algunos rockeros de mala calidad frente a una multitud salvaje y esperamos por la caja registradora”, dijo Bass.

Ya las redes de la música country droguería han comenzado abreviar su programación de marca. Algunas de las estaciones más pequeñas, incluso echar un corto segmento o la lírica y el presente vacío que de cualquier imagen.

“Es un poco como la radio”, dijo.

– Susi Burr-Banke

Pedaling Socialism in DC

It’s the Muslim Marxist agenda once again – pedaling socialism in Washington DC. These bicycles rent for a small monthly fee allowing for decreased auto traffic and affordable convenience for the people.Where will it all stop?

(December 3, 2015)

Tres Farcheezies Lesionado

(Montrose, Colorado – 20 de noviembre 2015)

Tres de los cuatro Farcheezies Flying resultaron levemente heridos cuando un extremo de la cuerda floja cayó en el Cañón Negro del Gunnison durante una actuación aquí. El Farcheezies, un acto de cuerda floja croata con linaje directo a los Habsburgo, se cruza el cañón en dicha cuerda floja cuando se produjo el incidente. Guano Farcheezie, su hermano Armando y su hermana Helena todo raspaduras y moretones sufrieron y fueron atendidos y dados en el Memorial Clinic de San Roscoe.

Al parecer, el accidente fue provocado por las acciones de un guardabosques del Servicio Forestal de exceso de celo que se dieron cuenta de que los altos gimnastas no habían pagado los honorarios de campamento en el parque desde mayo 2.

Después de varios intentos de localizar a los artistas de alto alambre ella simplemente comenzó el desmantelamiento de sus excavaciones.

Desafortunadamente el desmantelamiento incluyó la cuerda floja que estaba atado a una mesa de picnic concreto. El guardabosque sufrió lesiones menores como varios pollos, dormideros en la esperanza en el pecho de la Sra Farcheezie, la atacó mientras se excita el campamento. El guardabosques, cuyo nombre no fue dado, será premiado por su dedicación a su país con un trabajo de escritorio en Salt Lake City.

Los sobrevivientes afortunados dijo a periodistas que se sintieron aliviados de que la historia se rompió por primera vez en el San Juan de herradura, ya que, al igual que los sábados por la mañana los dibujos animados, es raro que alguien alguna vez se mató en una de las páginas de ese papel.

“Si esto hubiera ocurrido en uno de los otros papeles que podríamos haber sido asesinados y / o nuestros nombres mal escritos,” cantó Armando Farcheezie.
El grupo viajará al Valle de Bland el martes para llevar a cabo en un local de noticias transmitido allí.
-Ripple Van El Winkle

Horseshoe to take town to Disneyland

(Wildcat Creek — Fantasyland Courier — November 13, 2015)

In an attempt to gain local favor and secure tax considerations the San Juan Horseshoe will take the entire town of Colona, Colorado to Disneyland for the holidays. Residents of the town will be flown to Southern California and stay at the Anaheim Hillshire Gardens. Spending money will be provided as well.

“Everyone is packed and ready,” said a civic source. “All the paperwork is done and the reservations confirmed. We’re just waiting for the plane to land in the Hotchkiss pasture.”

When asked why the paper would go to such great lengths to take an entire town on vacation a spokesperson said, “It’s cheaper than taking Ridgway.”
A source close to the publisher aid she hoped the excursion would come off.

“We tried this with Chicago last year and it was a mess.”