All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Drywall Museum Gets Nod

(Montrose) A workingman’s museum to honor the region’s dry-wallers has gotten the nod from County Commissioners and will now be returned to the mayor’s desk a final go-ahead signature. 

According to civic sources two of the three current County Commissioners fell asleep during the hearings with the remaining commissioner, a former building inspector, abstaining due to conflict of interest. The measure passed nevertheless and the innovative site moved that much closer to a reality.

The cost of the construction is estimated to be in the $500,000 range. When completed it is expected that over 14 tourists per day will tour the facility.

– Gabby Haze

Hemorrhoids Go With Territory For Talking Heads

(Denver) TV news and sports broadcasters are plagued by the highest incidence of hemorrhoids in the nation. Experts say the cause is obvious, yet few (besides former athletes) have taken to reading the news while standing up.

Besides all the sitting, sports announcers specifically suffer from a condition known within medical circles as anal-hype, a malady that surfaces after undue pressure is exerted on the sit-downer. The condition is further irritated by the constant attempts to embrace or sanction the sporting events at hand as meaningful. 

Ham-handed wimps come off as macho on the screen. Lumbering robots follow the long-established patterns of Red Barber, Howard Casual and Harry Caray.

Until a few years back doctors remained where the sun don’t shine as to associated symptoms. They didn’t verbal diarrhea to anal and therefore could not treat the duel condition. Up until last year analysts ignored the painful link between hemorrhoids and camera angles for instance.

“We were prescribing everything from anti-depressants to muscle relaxers and yet statistics relating to the chronic ailment skyrocketed, scorching the chart,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, of St. Roscoe’s Pneumatic Clinic here. “It’s like treating a fever as a separate entity from a cold. How stupid of us. Think of the money we lost.”

Many of these wounded blabbermouths are seeking less conventional means to solve this annoying, and yes, career threatening problem. Often labeled truck driver syndrome it is particularly ironic that more and more TV personalities are looking to the long haulers for help. 

At first we thought the sessions at the local truck drivers academy were ridiculous but then the results came out. 84% of the sufferers claimed substantial relief in about a month, most without surgery. The situation was at a crisis point, but success broke down apprehension and also created a lucrative income for the trucking industry.

The treatment is simple enough. When the afflicted arrives he is immediately gagged. Most of the time it is duct tape, but sometimes an old rag will do the trick. Second, the patient is shown absurd news footage (right from last night’s broadcast) and asked to give an appraisal of the delivery. Since they can’t talk they write it down. Then, in what appears to be the secret panacea, truck driver interns mess up the patron’s hair. It drives them nuts since it the only real link with credibility. 

“We realize that anger and despair will be the result of the hair ruffling but it’s absolutely necessary to cure the victim,” explained Slim Harahan, Executive Hemorrhoid Surgeon at Greater Gallup’s Wheel-In Trucker’s Paradise and Water Park. “We need to break them down to build them up. Very rarely do we have to perform tongue extractions.”

The happy ending goes something like this for most former sufferers: Most change jobs finding new careers in radio, where one can walk about the room while giving the news and sports. Others embrace government positions, some of the more seriously addicted flirt with recurring danger as taxi drivers and astronauts. 

– Melvin O’Toole 

25 years ago in the San Juan Horseshoe

O’Bannon’s Lowers Urinals For Wee

Hydraulics for the Mischievous Dwarves

(Telluride) For the tenth year running urinals here will be substantially lower by the time the wee folk arrive to celebrate St Patrick’s Day on March 17. Although this ain’t the first rodeo for the unselfish plumbers and architects who have bravely taken on the gruesome task in years gone by this is the first year that the reconstruction will be conducted using state and federal funds.

“We wrote a grant proposal late one night last off-season and 90 days later got a check in the mail,” said Ray Prince, a veteran of many St Patrick’s Days and partner at the pub. “Along with the check were specifics as to the general construction and materials preferred. The feds like all their johns to look and function the same. They like uniformity. The leprechauns like access. We like to sell Guinness. Now, if Harry’s paper arrives on time that morning everyone will be happy.”

An article in this month’s American Latrine Magazine praises the Irish pub for what it calls social responsibility and kindness in welcoming the little foreigners who visit Telluride each year at about this time. 

“This tavern’s annual practice of lowering urinals so as to accommodate out-of-town visitors has gained a sort of international acclaim that can’t be bought. It gives the entire region a boost,” said the article.

“We just don’t want a lot of wee people peeing on their feet,” said a source.

For many years O’Bannon’s simply provided small stools for the leprechauns but other customers complained that they were far too easy to trip over. At the time it was common consensus that a trip to the bathroom was far more dangerous than skiing and therefore the bar relented.

The Latrine article continued: “The sensitive management of O’Bannon’s Pub has once again raised the seat when it comes to cordial relations, human or otherwise. This gesture will not go unrewarded as droves of the little people begin arriving in the Southwest Colorado town in apprehension of the coming holiday. Others may flush the existence of the wee folk down the toilet but Telluride has taken aim to make them feel welcome.”

   – Uncle Pahgre  

A big problem in the United States

Unruly passenger behavior reached record highs in the United States last year, with nearly 6,000 reports of unruly behavior logged by the Federal Aviation Administration. So far this year, the FAA has logged 712 reports.

The agency said in mid-February that 80 of the disruptive incidents on aircraft since the start of last year have been referred to the Justice Department to consider criminal prosecution.

In February, an American Airlines flight attendant hit an unruly passenger in the head with a coffee pot as he tried to open the plane’s exit door and the flight was diverted. The FBI was involved in that case and the passenger was charged with one count of assaulting and intimidating a flight attendant.

“It was a terrific swing, smooth and on target,” said one by-sitter. The flight attendant was later invited to non-spring training in Florida and Arizona by a host of idle major league teams, purgatoried by the Lockout. The detailsof a signing bonus, called immoral by the puritanical FAA were not disclosed.

The FAA does not have authority to prosecute criminal cases, but it can propose fines of up to $37,000 per violation for unruly behavior.

In November, the FAA proposed $161,823 in civil penalties against eight passengers for alleged incidents of unruly behavior involving alcohol.

Year-round snow banks get council OK

(Crested Butte) Lawmakers here have approved a plan that would maintain Elk Avenue snow banks all year long. Arguing that the architectural undertaking was both natural and beneficial to tourism, the body’s right wing shoved the measure past the left, who wanted to spend the money on green tea, dynamite and photos of Bob Marley.

Working against the clock snow techs jump-started the program with both feet on Monday. First, they surgically sculptured the existing banks so as to seal all faults. Then they hauled in tons of snow and ice from local depositories up Washington Gulch. Now they must hope the weather stays cold.

“When things do start to melt we have to bring in the refrigeration equipment, which we hope will not appear intrusive on the main thoroughfare,” said Molly B. Denim, owner and operator of Born Again Towing, the general contractor on the project. “When they see the waterfalls in the summer and the light show in the fall they’ll stop complaining. The water’s all recycled and the snow is dry-cleaned once a week. What’s not to like?”

Voters mobbing the coffee lines downtown seemed unaffected Tuesday morning with most saying that the snow banks were probably good for the town. Others asked what the plan would cost to implement and how snow could withstand the summer heat. Still others condemned the entire incident as a frightening waste of funds in light of the 20 or so people in town who still cannot afford cell phones.

Meanwhile, the left wing of the council says it has gained full council support for a referendum on the proposed pedestrian mall for the area in question. Since cars and snow banks have always been at odds, the measure is expected to pass swiftly. 

“We want to be known as the ski town with year-round snow,” said Denim. “Everybody loves snow banks…so long as they don’t have to live with them.”

In related news the town’s 1000 hsp/mg henway snow cleaning reactor is up and running again after a series of freeze-ups rendering it useless during the most recent cold spell. Operators say they aren’t behind their work in that the snow is just starting to get dirty anyway.

“The months of March and April require constant cleaning if we hope to keep things spic and spam,” said Denim.

– Alfalfa Romero

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

(Brought to you by O’Hara’s Hoof and Mouth Cream and Cosmetic Branding Enhancers. Always Remember: If it isn’t O’Hara’s

–it isn’t O’Hara’s. Available wherever good cows graze.)

The scene: A tree house in equatorial Africa

Tarzan: Why Tarzan no have last name?

Jane: Because you were raised by apes, dear, and none of them have last names.

Tarzan: Tarzan have tree house worth millions but no last name. Maybe Tarzan buy last name.

Jane: Now darling lets be thankful for what we have. Just three months ago we built this tree house out of cardboard and tin and now it’s worth a fortune. Who would ever have guessed that the Djiboutis would have put in a ski area. I recall that only last year Chief Kingfish was afraid of front-end loaders and thought cranes were the work of the white devils. Now they’ve even got hotels with snotty staffs and a one-way gondola to the Fountain Village.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like gondola. Prefer swinging through trees.

Jane: So, when do we close on the tree house? I can’t wait to buy some new clothes and take you to London.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like clothes. Not need shirt in jungle. Tarzan not have last name. Bank say have to have last name to open account, cash checks, build spec houses.

Jane: Isn’t it wonderful! All we did was hang out in our tree house for a few months and now we’re rich. I had no idea you were such an astute businessman, dear.

Tarzan: Tarzan pay attention but still no have last name. Even Cheetah have last name. Tarzan saw it on credit cards.

Jane: Cheetah has credit cards?

Tarzan: Monkey have cards and cell phone too. Why Tarzan not have credit card?

Jane: What does Cheetah buy?

Tarzan: Lot of bananas.

Jane: And who, dare say, does she call on the cell phone?

Tarzan: Other monkeys with cell phones and credit cards. Cheetah broker. Monkey plans to knock down jungle and build custom homes for rich people from the city. Cheetah say rain forest overrated, not need all these trees.

Jane: But if they knock down all the trees where will the monkeys and birds reside?

Tarzan: Affordable housing has been discussed, Jane.

THE END