All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Unda de’ counta soup
3,000 glass eyes from just one windshield! Send $5 for this and other amazing possibilities. Dept of Monotonous Technology, Falls Church, VA 22046
Anyone with knowledge as to the whereabouts of one Mickey Valdez, the alleged love child of Emperor Maximilian and Empress Carlota is asked to call the Montrose Police Department regarding his unpaid parking tickets. Thanks.
We build feedlots. Want us to build you a feedlot right there in your own backyard? Insulate yourself from raising meat prices today. All structures constructed of recycled material and guaranteed through Christmas. Chicken ranches, pig sties, rabbit hutches, aviaries too. Mystery Meats, Olathe.
Afraid to fly? Hey, with all the terrorism, covid and bad food who wouldn’t be? Now there’s help. We’ll fly for you. Any destination. Any schedule. Hell, we’ll even haul luggage given to us by people we don’t know. Bonus: Sign up today and we will arrange to have people meet you outside the airport or drive you to the nearest bus station. Big Bird Ltd., Antelope Hills.
For sale: Military surplus from much-maligned War on Drugs. Perfect for second home or military bunker system. Federal subsidy available for starter militias. See Mr. Winn at the Sandinista Gun and Tool Show at Jingo Auditorium. Three years ago we couldn’t even spell camouflage and now we are invisible.
Attractive blind couple wanted for proofreading duties on technical manual. We is desperate. Good pay per diem. Could work into regular gig. Col. Seymour Butts, Simms Mesa.
Will the barefoot peasant women that journey to the central fountain each day to draw water for household chores please do so before 8 am so as not to block tour buses. In addition, persons drawing water after 6 pm should do so dressed in brightly colored, traditional costume so as not to be confused with jeep drivers, firemen or realtors. Manana Vigilantes. Tourism for the Aged.
Hibernian Bar Mitzvahs by the week or the month. Disappointment Valley Optimists Club.
Former racing pigeons for sale fresh or frozen. Perfect for that quick luncheon or summer pick me up. We will not break up sets. Cash only. Carmichael Farms, Log Hill Mesa.
Many merchant woes can be directly linked to sticky front doors. Does your door stick? Call the Colorado Department of Stuck Doors for personal consultation. Great ideas for unsticking doors from crusty bureaucrats who love to get all dressed up and go to meetings. Watch profits soar when they can open the door!
Due to software difficulties, Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not make periodic stopovers in Durango, Creed and Lake City through the winter. Performances in Silverton and Howardsville will be strictly curtailed until spring. The annual three-day buffet in Sapinero is cancelled altogether. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to be back on schedule by next summer.
Lost: One Arapaho-English Dictionary in the men’s room at the Sand Creek Monument. If found please return to Col. John Chivington of the Colorado Militia. My translator is in Las Vegas at the International Genocide Hearings until next week and I can’t understand what any of these savages are saying. Small reward.
Workaholic seeks lazy resident to take three-week vacation to Florida in March so that I can work 20 hours per day. All expenses paid. Family provided. No travel agents or realtors please. I am Slim Tinkleholland, Wimpton Greyhound Track.
Guard dogs, surfing supplies, babes, quality assault weaponry, new age musical compositions, cardboard umbrellas, mail strippers, bulletproof vests, and suntan oil. Happy Jack’s Beach Bazaar, Blue Mesa.
Peasants: 1.) Please stay indoors during spraying operations conducted in March. Schedule and area maps will be issued. 2.) The controlled burn, originally scheduled for the Confront Range will go on as planned. 3.) Stay tuned for your next instructions. Colorado State Department of Transmigration.
Lost: Contoured, flux gate wall map of Tuscany at Palisades Restaurant in January. Part of an expanded collection that includes Lombardy, Roma, Venetia and the west coast of Corsica. Cabbage stain over most of the Ligurian Sea. Child’s pet. Contact Red over at the Holy Roman Empire.
SCIENCE FICTION WRITER needed for Economic Recovery Office in Washington DC. Work right alongside silly Democrats and vindictive Republicans who have seen the true path to solvency. Successful candidate can expect to spend two or three afternoons at the Pentagon. Office of Conventional Rebounding, 99 Entitlement Circle, Georgetown.
The 90th Annual Psorophaora Mosquito Family Reunion/Swarm will be held at Dengue Town Park on December 28 despite reports of high water. Bring covered fish. Pupae OK. No flies.
New from the people who brought you the Hawaiian Shirt Body Suit and the Backless Turtleneck! End the fear of an open fly in public! Avoid the pitfalls of roaming hands and insincere motives with the Digital Beep Unisex Zipper Alarm. For sale everywhere compliments of Infield Fly Inc., clothing and accessories for the mass neurosis. Batteries slightly extra.
TOURISTS: Pick up your personalized breath mints at any Colorado Welcome Station. Protection of our natural habitat begins with you!
Tired of that tedious weekly trek to the grocery? Tune in to the Clone Shopping Network and select from full-color pictures of the finest prime meats, fresh vegetables, packaged goods and guaranteed notions. All are available 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Your stomach doesn’t take a vacation and neither does the Clone Shopping Network.
Found: Pair of full figure panty hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description at post office.
Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the summer season. Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long-term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.
Tex-change operations daily at our secret clinic in Taylor Canyon. Guaranteed semi-painless or your deposit cheerfully refunded. References not an obstacle. Millions of delighted customers.
Public Notice: The circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore, the remaining entertainment principals will no longer be responsible for the past exploitations, manipulations and private debts of the late James “Jungle Jim” Tamer (6/30/2022).
Goose fertilizer $25 per ton firm. Guaranteed to grow, healthy, strong birds. Tom Collins Farms.
Get paid for not mowing your lawn. Contact a federal government near you.
Surfing report
Our February Surfing Report has been cancelled since it is only January and we are too far from the beach to see the waves. Sunny. Tide is in and out. Salt content normal. For further information dry off and log in to board technicalities.com
“If only we had been born clowns nothing bad would happen to us except a few bruises and a smear of whitewash. Don’t learn from experiences, Milly. It ruins our peace and our lives.” – Mr Wormhold to his daughter in “Our Man in Havana” by Graham Greene
Ice fishermen seek protection from rampaging Bighorns
(Blue Mesa) Hundreds of ice fishermen have filed grievances with the state and federal government after a series of attacks on vehicles by Bighorn sheep living nearby.
Although no person has been directly threatened it is feared that personal assaults may be next. The sheep, usually found at higher, more remote locales moved into the area west of Gunnison a few years back, apparently liked it, and stayed. Bighorn activity has increased in the area since 1980 but more
aggressive tendencies within the herd have only surfaced this year.
A more radical element of the ice fishermen, Bait Nation, with suspected links to Aryan groups all over the West, has threatened to shoot the animals if the situation worsens. They say the Division of Wildlife should control their wards and that any damage to cars parked near the shore is the responsibility of that agency.
Meanwhile the confrontations continue to mount. Just over the weekend three pickups sustained damage when charged in three different incidents by the same large ram. Although all of the aforementioned vehicles were operable after the onslaught one lost a front bumper and another a windshield. Some door damage was also reported. One ice fisherman asked why the authorities had done nothing.
“Belligerence towards anything connected to humans has definitely escalated since the holidays,” said Hugo Montelbann, of Vulcan. “Can’t the Curecanti rangers see a trend here? Are they waiting until cars and trucks are stolen and people are the target of this puissant pugnacity, this territorial tumult?”
Dr. Montallban, a retired professor of English at Western State University and College has been ice fishing for over fifty years. Close friends say his is given to superficial alliteration and drinking cold beer.
Animals behaviorists, working with the freshmen class at that same institution, say the animals are known to be quite docile except during the autumn rutting season when head banging and testosterone levels rise. They say many young rams crash heads with each other all year round but that most of the time it’s just for fun.
“Have you ever glimpsed the dazed look on their faces after a head to head collision?” asked Dr. Martha White, a marine biologist on loan from Cal Amari Remedial College in Santa Barbara. “While it looks painful to us it represents ecstasy to them. My expertise is really in another field,” she explained. “I don’t even know the distinction between sheep and goats. They all make the same baaa sounds don’t they?”
White went on to say that she still follows the advice of a noted anthropology professor at Cal Amari, Dr. Everett Pennywhisyle, who often said,
“Don’t let the fact that you know nothing about a specific subject keep you from presenting a lengthy dissertation on that subject.”
A spokesman for the Division of Wildlife suggested that the ice fishermen abandon their regular haunts until the sheep settle down.
“Something here has gotten their goat,” he laughed. “It might be better if these local anglers fished the Taylor or San Cristobal until this quandary is resolved. I hear Mexico has great fishing this time of the year.”
In the interim, fishermen have been urged to avoid wearing bright colors or making quick movements so as not to further provoke the sheep.
– Suzie Compost
ON THIS DAY IN MYSTERY
January 13, 1944 France refuses to return Germany’s damage deposit collected in 1940 nor consider any other form of recompense. In response the National Democratic Party of Germany has filed grievances with the EU and The Hague claiming it should be reimbursed for expenses incurred during the four-year occupation. Citing road construction projects, bridge building, airfield costs and daily operations of forced labor camps the Nuevo Nazis say its investment far exceeded the damage deposit as well as other first and last as well as utility arrangements. Allied researchers claim that the Wehrmacht had severely plugged up both the Siegfried and Maginot Lines and entertained scapegoats, sacred cows, and other livestock “in the cherished parlors of France”. The situation remains unresolved.
100 Years From Today
The term “Hold your horses” is once again in vogue according to unemployed cowboy poets. (Who owns the lyrics to once great songs?) – They have purchased the long sought destroyed court records from the Spanish Inquisition. Same old story: Jim Crow tells us that poor whites blame blacks for their problems when in fact its is rich whites that still exploit both groups. First missionaries reach Mars. Despite great achievements in both technology and humanitarian efforts people remain much the same as the hominids that proceeded them in the Neolithic era. Many major religions admit that long ago they made up fairy tales to control the populations but a majority of followers continue to adhere to moral principles introduced here. New viruses appear annually and are attributed to yet another period of climate change.
“I love bagpipes and I love the Gypsy Kings but not simultaneously.” – Don Melvin de Estafermo Diarrea y Estrenimiento.
Lonesome Louis
Arriving at the foot of the guillotine, Louis XVI looked for a moment at the instruments of his execution and asked Sanson why the drums had stopped beating. He came forward to speak, but there were shouts to the executioners to get on with their work. As he was strapped down, he exclaimed “My people, I die innocent!” Then, turning towards his executioners, Louis XVI declared “Gentlemen, I am innocent of everything of which I am accused. I hope that my blood may cement the good fortune of the French.” The blade fell. It was 10:22 am. One of the assistants of Sanson showed the head of Louis XVI to the people, whereupon a huge cry of “Vive la Nation! Vive la République!” arose and an artillery salute rang out which reached the ears of the imprisoned Royal family.
IDLE CU POSTS RARE ROAD WIN
(Boulder) The University of Colorado Golden Buffaloes, although home in bed with a good book, managed to sniff out an evasive road win this weekend over the a tough Cal Polygamy Deadbeat Father squad of the recently organized Indigent League. The victory, which looked out of the grasp of the CU offense, was snatched away by linebacker Omar Mohammed Ryecrust, a junior college transfer from Compton (CA).
“It was something,” said man-child coach Newt Nuhaisal-Sinus, of the Buffs, “even though we weren’t there we played a solid game.
“If we could figure out how to get on the right bus to Lincoln we might have a shot at the Nebraska Cornmuskies too,” quipped Nuhaisal-Sinus from his 17-story practice field observatory at Folsom Field. “The problem is that there are no turns, much less wrong turns from Boulder to Lincoln. Even our geography professors could drive that bus and they couldn’t find China in a pile of bamboo shoots.”
When asked about flying, Nuhaisal-Sinus replied that none of his recruits did illegal drugs.
Sources within the Big Ten told The Horseshoe that the phenomenon of an absentee road victory was really quite simple in that CU had led a charmed life for about a decade now.
“Even though they rarely beat that Big Red team they have fared well against just about everyone else,” said Red “Mercury” Malpractice, a retired referee now head of the body chemistry department at Our Lady of Aurora Community College in Commerce City. “They seem to sparkle even in those tacky black funeral uniforms with the gold trim”
Entry into the PAC-12 is not expected to affect future recruiting other than to make it more attractive. Most of the players in the 2021 class say they’d rather play Stanford than Oklahoma State.
Another spokesperson said the chalked up win could be explained mathematically.
“Remember the legendary fifth down play against Missouri a few years back?” asked Melvin Pig-Iron, a retired Pee Wee mastermind who claims to have coerced Terrell Davis into shoulder pads in 1980.
“If you want the answer you have to multiply the square root of raw meat consumed by the Oklahoma State offensive line in a month by the number of games CU forfeited in 1997. Then you take that number and divide it by the pathetic need to beat Nebraska. You can then check your answer by turning on the Orange Bowl about every third or fourth year.
The victory will be celebrated with a riot on The Hill Friday night.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
