All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Bottle Shoot Canned
(Lake City) The popular wine bottle shoot, traditionally held the day following the Lake City Wine and Music Festival will not take place this year due to concerns that it conflicts with the image of clean living and gourmet wine tasting. For the past three years the apres-festival target practice has entertained clean-up crews and titillated the general public.
“We’re not saying we won’t hold the event we’re just saying we won’t hold it on the day after our festival,” said promoters. “Most likely we’ll just save all the bottles and shoot them at the annual Hunter’s Ball in the autumn.”
Concerns that a massive target practice in Town Park is not in keeping with the image of a legitimate wine event, organizers have sought to distance themselves from what is seen as barbarian in some circles.
“Most of our friends turn out for the shoot and we feel it might be in the interest of the festival to distance ourselves from them too,” the principles went on.
“A lot of us are pretty darned disappointed in the cancellation,” said one Spar City marksman, “but we’ll get over it over time.”
– Merv Ditchwater
(editor’s comment: The creatrors of this website have no information on whether or not this event is still slated and why. There is questionble value and quite possibly minimal truth in the above news piece. We just liked the headline.)
Cigar Smoking Not Hobby
(Moline) The practice or habit of cigar smoking does not deserve hobby status according to the North American Diversion Consortium and marginal Entertainment here. The committee, manned by people with nothing else to do all day, reversed a previous decision made back in March and reported by this newspaper.
During an emotionally charged meeting several proponents of cigar smoking lit up and then stormed out of the hall.
The final vote of 5-0 refused to recognize cigar smoking as a legitimate hobby. In further action the group did a crisp about-face on the status of stamp collecting which was deemed immoral almost three months ago as well. Butterfly mounting was not discussed leading experts to conclude that that some hobbies remain sacred in the face of creeping political correctiveness.
“There is nothing obscene about placing stamps in a scrapbook and then forgetting about them,” said the group. “The problems begin with constant vigils over stamp books and the very way some collectors acquire their goods.”
As expected the announcement skirted comment on the use of airplane glue in close quarters and the raising of dangerous herbs. A harsh response on the part of cigar chompers and the National Brotherhood of Humidors is not expected.
-Pepper Salte
STRANGER THAN THE HORSESHOE
This month’s Man of the Hour is none other than Frank “Hard Rock” Gimlett, who spent the majority of his adult life guarding the ice and snow up on Monarch Pass. The last remaining resident of the all but deserted mining camp of Arbour-Villa, Gimlett could be seen patrolling the region on a daily basis atop his sure-footed mule, which legend has it he named after Queen Victoria.
In addition to preserving the sacred ice and snow stash at 12,000 feet Gimlett went about the work of renaming most local peaks after the movie starlets of the Forties. Grable, Lombard, Bogart, and O’Sullivan Peaks still stand today as testimony to his creative dedication.
Claiming that not so much as a snowball was ever stolen during his tenure, he had methodically forwarded an annual bill to the federal government in the sum of $50,000 for his services.
–Pepper Salte
Commuters Camp Bird Mine to Ouray 1886
Commuting from Camop Bird Mine to the town of Ouray in the late 1880s
POLICE REPORT
Gunnison police units arrested Enselmo DesPlants, 88, in connection with the theft of a case of “hot” generic picante sauce from a local grocery. The elderly felon was placed in Gunnison County Jail for his own protection. He told officers that he was desperate and that he had been living on dog food and onions since last Cattlemen’s Days. He reportedly absconded with the picante sauce so as to spice up his otherwise drab lifestyle. He will be placed on work release as soon as he comes up with the $45 per day fee.
Zorro DesPlants, a noted Olympic bagpipe artist, was detained early Friday morning suspected of painting mustaches on political billboards throughout Hinsdale County. After 20 minutes of interrogation DesPlants was released on the advice of the arresting officer who felt that the suspect did not have artistic ability enough to have committed the said crime.
Amanda DesPlants was picked up by Montrose County authorities and charged with littering the parking lot at the former Louisiana-Pacific waferboard plant near Olathe. Upon further investigation police discovered a pickup full of organic vegetables allegedly bound for the same location. DesPlants was fined and released after promising never to set foot on the property again. She has vowed to blow up the facility on the 4th of July.
Ruthie Roosterson, (formerly Ruthie DesPlants) was hauled into San Juan County Court Tuesday and charged with over 60 dog-at-large violations. Upon further investigation it was confirmed that the “dog-at-large” was none other than Efram, Roosterson’s foul-mouthed son. The case was dismissed on the grounds that Efram had not done any real damage. He will undergo a series of shots tomorrow as well as a battery of intelligence tests aimed at verifying his exact species.
Police followed up on an anonymous tip and arrived at 21 Bleu Cheese Parkway in Placerville Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily at work on his home computer. Officials at the Tri-State Electric Co-op in Montrose may press charges in connection with alleged transferal of bank funds from Tri-State to the 15-year-old boy’s account in Norwood. While in the home, officers repeatedly broke up fist fights between the boy’s parents Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that had apparently started over what television show the family would view next Wednesday night.
Muriel DesPlants of Silverton was fined $25 for entering a hot tub fully clothed. Charged with trespass, general menacing and public nuisance raps, DesPlants has threatened to move her trailer to “the more civilized environs of Hermosa.” More than 80 Silverton residents showed up bright and early the next morning to help her move.
Montrose police nabbed Anwar DesPlants, accusing him of engaging in Peeping Tom activities at Anciano Towers, off West Main Street. DesPlants insists that he was actually looking out of the tall apartment complex when the arrest occurred.
Compiled by Julianne Pettifogger
The Sporting Life
with Botsie
Sunday was the first day of spring, captains, and last week I found my first dandelion green on a south-facing slope, so it is time for my yearly column about a dandelion salad. It is not exactly the dandelion season here yet; the best time to dig for dandelions is when the robin starts to dig for worms. But since spring is coming to most of the readers sooner than it comes to Crested Butte, I will do this column now so you readers can get dandelions when they are at their young best.
What you want to get is the real young dandelion greens — almost before they are really green. The best eating dandelions are the little reddish-green or whitefish shoots that you see grow where the snow has just melted from off the ground.
Later on, when the snows are all gone and the dandelions seem to mostly be old dandelions, go to the fields and pastures, and look on the mounds by the gopher holes; there you will usually find little shoots.
Take a knife for getting the greens, make sure you go beneath the soil to get the whole green, as the part just above the roots is the tender part.
When you have got a box or a pan full of dandelion greens, take them home and wash them good to get all the grit off them. Then let them sit overnight if possible in a pan of cold water, to crisp them up. You can treat them just about like lettuce, keep them in your refrigerator crisper if you want.
You eat them just like you would eat an endive lettuce too. I like to salt them real good, and mix them with oil and vinegar, when I want a good fast salad.
If I have a little more time, I make up this special bacon-grease salad dressing. To make it, you cut up a piece of slab bacon into tiny chunks; then you put them in a pan, along with some Mazola-type oil, and let them simmer until the chunks are crisp. Then you take the pan off the stove to cool it off. As soon as it is cool enough so the vinegar does not splatter if it hits the grease, add wine vinegar to suit your taste. Then put the pan back on the stove to keep it warm. When you are ready to serve the salad, pour the bacon grease dressing over the dandelion greens. This is a hard-to-beat salad, captains; I guarantee you will like it with fish and potatoes, or maybe a steak.
Keep the dandelion recipes in mind; this kind of a salad is especially handy if you are going on a camping trip. There is no need to pack along lettuce with the good Lord providing dandelions at every gopher hole or snow bank. But it is also nice even if you are just at home—when you go out to weed the lawn the next time, save the dandelions, and you will have two jobs done at once.
(Our good friend Rudolph Spritzer passed on a few years back but we still communicate almost on a daily basis. This is one of his best columns written in 1974)
