Hemorrhoids Go With Territory For Talking Heads

(Denver) TV news and sports broadcasters are plagued by the highest incidence of hemorrhoids in the nation. Experts say the cause is obvious, yet few (besides former athletes) have taken to reading the news while standing up.

Besides all the sitting, sports announcers specifically suffer from a condition known within medical circles as anal-hype, a malady that surfaces after undue pressure is exerted on the sit-downer. The condition is further irritated by the constant attempts to embrace or sanction the sporting events at hand as meaningful. 

Ham-handed wimps come off as macho on the screen. Lumbering robots follow the long-established patterns of Red Barber, Howard Casual and Harry Caray.

Until a few years back doctors remained where the sun don’t shine as to associated symptoms. They didn’t verbal diarrhea to anal and therefore could not treat the duel condition. Up until last year analysts ignored the painful link between hemorrhoids and camera angles for instance.

“We were prescribing everything from anti-depressants to muscle relaxers and yet statistics relating to the chronic ailment skyrocketed, scorching the chart,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, of St. Roscoe’s Pneumatic Clinic here. “It’s like treating a fever as a separate entity from a cold. How stupid of us. Think of the money we lost.”

Many of these wounded blabbermouths are seeking less conventional means to solve this annoying, and yes, career threatening problem. Often labeled truck driver syndrome it is particularly ironic that more and more TV personalities are looking to the long haulers for help. 

At first we thought the sessions at the local truck drivers academy were ridiculous but then the results came out. 84% of the sufferers claimed substantial relief in about a month, most without surgery. The situation was at a crisis point, but success broke down apprehension and also created a lucrative income for the trucking industry.

The treatment is simple enough. When the afflicted arrives he is immediately gagged. Most of the time it is duct tape, but sometimes an old rag will do the trick. Second, the patient is shown absurd news footage (right from last night’s broadcast) and asked to give an appraisal of the delivery. Since they can’t talk they write it down. Then, in what appears to be the secret panacea, truck driver interns mess up the patron’s hair. It drives them nuts since it the only real link with credibility. 

“We realize that anger and despair will be the result of the hair ruffling but it’s absolutely necessary to cure the victim,” explained Slim Harahan, Executive Hemorrhoid Surgeon at Greater Gallup’s Wheel-In Trucker’s Paradise and Water Park. “We need to break them down to build them up. Very rarely do we have to perform tongue extractions.”

The happy ending goes something like this for most former sufferers: Most change jobs finding new careers in radio, where one can walk about the room while giving the news and sports. Others embrace government positions, some of the more seriously addicted flirt with recurring danger as taxi drivers and astronauts. 

– Melvin O’Toole 

Filed Under: Hard News

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