Are you going to spend eternity in Hell ? Take our aptitude test

Our team down in Hell is reaching out to you…

Choose the one that doesn’t fit?

a. Jesus came back to the US all right, but he got deported.

b. Jesus was homeless in his thirties

c. Jesus will be back later today or tomorrow, or maybe next week.

d Jesus is not going anywhere. Why would he?

On what level 1- 10 to you agree with the following?

a. People on Federal Assistance are communists.

b. God does not love Iranians or Yankees

c. Hell isn’t so bad as long as you have en suite.

d. It’s OK to hate people of color just so long as you love Jesus

Who do you look toward for spiritual guidance on earth?

a. My stock broker

b My personal trainer

c the garbage man

d. the guys and gals in produce..

If you were called down to hell today what would you want to bring with you?

a. my electric fan and Jared Kushner

b. my bronco tickets and Jared Kushner

c. a sack of tacos and Jared Kushner

d. comfortable shoes and Jared Kushner

Where did you first hear of Hell?

a. on the golf course

b. my preacher

c. a fallen angel told me

d. ads on CNN

Why do you think you should be spared from eternal damnation?

a. Because I have always had nice teeth

b. because I cannot tolerate running short of ice cubes

c. because I haven’t finished my last bottle of single malt

d. because I am wealthy

Choose your biggest fear.

a. a meteor will hit my TV antenna

b I will have to walk more than 400 feet in one “outing”

c Wal-Mart will be closed forever when I get there

d. my children will turn out like me

Relay your fondest moment on earth

a. the day I figured out that hot dogs won’t kill me, right away

b. buying discount ammo

c. when I found out how to operate a drone while asleep

d. the day my cat returned, after a 12-year absence.

Hell originated due to

a. an accident on I-25

b. the need for a place without social distancing

c. overcrowding in the Congress

d some old fart inattentively burning ditches in the spring wind

Which of the following best describes your take on Satan and his agenda?

a. I don’t think he cares about the poor or the forgotten all that much.

b. He couch surfs the mega churches.

c. Everyone knows he’s a great shortstop but can’t hit the curve

d. Does he have golf courses and live in a white mansion just a quick step away from oblivion?

Describe the topography and weather in hell

a. flat, hot, windy

b. asphalt walls and ceilings, cool nights

c. simultaneous flooding, drought and pro wrestling upstairs

d. everything is uphill, high humidity, no trees, rats

Who else do you think is already in hell?

a. Hitler and Stalin

b The Conquistadors, the Pharisees, John Chivington and Andrew Jackson

c Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV, along with Napoleon.

d. Your Uncle Bob from Grand Junction

Which of the following are major concerns to both the proprietors and residents of hell?

a The Second Amendment

b flies

c global warming

d eating a healthy breakfast

More next week