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Rove “interested” in Pontiff Position

(Roma) Super PAC inspiration, Karl Rove, has expressed guarded interest in a Papal opening

created by the announced resignation of Pope Benedict XVI today. Rove, the architect of beguiling and delusional Presidential campaigns in the U.S. is acknowledged as the premier propagandist and master of  deceit.

The Pope’s decision to step down, the first of his stripe to do so in six centuries, came as a shock to the Roman Catholic hierarchy, which already embroiled in Lent and under the gun in sex abuse cases all over the globe. The Tweeter Pope, as Benedict has come to be known, was also having trouble adding and subtracting in Roman numerals.

“The Holy Father could not even tell you what Super Bowl he was watching and he bet on the 49ers,” said one up-and-coming Cardinal, his eyes on the Cat-Bird Seat in the Popemobile.

The Pontiff who says he wants to “retire while I’m still kickin” will drain the Vatican coffers and redistribute the estimated billions to the impoverished of Latin America.

“Like hell he will,” said the red-robed cleric.

Whether or not the potentially empty coffers will affect the evil genius Rove’s pursuits is anyone’s guess. One controversial Venetian bishop suggested that the Pope was “well within his rights” to give away the money, accumulated since the Dark Ages.

“We’ve finally gotten around to doing what Jesus told us to do 2000 years ago,” he smiled.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Monkey wrench the Mother Frackers!”

Kissinger’s extradition to Uruguay sought over Operation Condor

An attorney for a victim of Uruguay’s 1973-1985 dictatorship has asked his government to request the extradition of former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger over his alleged role in the notorious Operation Condor.

Condor was a secret plan hatched by South American dictators in the 1970s to eliminate leftist political opponents in the region. Details of the plan have emerged over the past years in documents and court testimony.

The Latin American dictatorships of the time “were mere executors” of a “plan of extermination” hatched in the United States by a group led by Kissinger, said attorney Gustavo Salle, who represents the family of Bernardo Arnone.

Uruguayan prosecutor Mirtha Guianze has received the request and is studying the case, according to news reports.

A leftist activist, Arnone was arrested in October 1976 and flown to Argentina with a group of political prisoners that vanished and were presumably executed.

Kissinger played a dominant role in US foreign policy between 1969 and 1977, and was a strong supporter of right-wing regimes across Latin America as well as the invasion of Iraq later.

The extradition request comes as the topic of rights violations during Uruguay’s dictatorship is making headlines again, with Salle citing evidence from declassified US State Department documents.

Witnesses are set to testify in April in a case that began in September against eight retired regime officials over rights violations.

McDonald To Visit Rain Forest

(Montrose) Burger clown, Ronald McDonald, announced today that he would go to the Amazon in an attempt to reassure consumers that the fast food industry is concerned about the disappearing rain forest there.

In town for the gala Walrose Days Ceremonies, commemorating the transformation of productive farmland to a fast food gauntlet of mass merchandising temples, McDonald thanked fat, stupid county and city administrators for making it all possible.

“We couldn’t have done it without you,” he smiled. “What was once depressed farm country is now alive with the familiar signs of the 21st Century. This is the culture that we export to other countries throughout the world.”

McDonald then outlined his visit the Amazon saying that his main concern is to educate.

“There has been a lot of criticism aimed at the fast food industry due to clearing of the land for pasture,” said McDonald. “So the peasants of South America want to run cattle on what was once worthless jungle. What does that have to do with us?”

Scientists say that if the continued clearing of the rain forest does not stop at once it will disappear by 2035. With it go a multitude of plant and animal species, potential cures for disease and maybe a solution to the further deterioration of the ozone.

“We can open up a few more drive-throughs along the Amazon River so that loggers and burn crews could have a place to stop for lunch. Is that so bad?” he asked.

A spokesman for the clown refused to elaborate on rumors that fast food giants have been experimenting with synthetic food substitutes in Third World countries in response to the spread of foot and mouth disease and the possibility of another potato blight.

McDonald’s plan shows some big cahones considering death of chicken magnate, Colonel Sanders at the hands of Putumayoc cannibals in 1982. Violence toward pizza delivery personnel, semis hauling “fresh” chemical breads and talking chihuahuas has been on the rise since that time too.

And now the U.S. Embassy has issued a restricted travel advisory following the kidnappings of the Burger King and Wendy by Colombian guerrillas last month. It is hoped that the two are currently being held somewhere in the jungle. Corporate executives have as yet refused to respond to ransom demands despite the regular arrival of fingers and toes, allegedly belonging to the captives, at corporate headquarters in the U.S.

Rumors that the fast food corporations were busy raising an army (dubbed Ronnie’s Freedom Fighters Brigade) to stage a Grenada-like rescue attempt were denied at all levels over the weekend. Desperate pleas that McDonald “lose the nose and hair” and travel incognito have been ignored.

While in South America, McDonald will present a series of pyramid/nutrition seminars aimed at recruiting indigenous peoples into McDonalds management training programs worldwide.

– Manco Copac    

AVALANCHE BOLTING RESULTS

February 4, 2013

Grif Gnat Powder Bowl, Utah
Toole 7:333.7. Only finish.

Summer Seed Foursomes, Alberta
Toole 5:224.9; Toole 5:223.8;
Toole 5:198.6; Toole 4:996.8

Eversore, Montana
Toole 5:933.8

Mud Meadows,Montana
Toole in the lead at  5:119.3

Cracked Corn Snow Bowl, CO
Toole 5:299.4

Figures compliments of Runner’s World
and Spatula Pavement Inc.

For more Sports see the
2013 Major League Baseball predictions
on the Financial Page.

Missionaries Leave Africa Headed for US Shores

(Dakar, Senegal) Troops of missionaries representing a host of primitive faiths have left Africa and are expected to arrive in the United States on Friday. The Pagans, many who decree the philosophy of animism as the source of all truth, will then begin the tedious work of conversion.

This is the first time that Third World evangelists have attempted to persuade more civilized peoples to adopt their naturalist approach to the eternal questions of life, death and spirit. In a departure from the Western practice of buying spiritual recruits with food and trinkets, these missionaries will rely entirely on good faith and good example to bring in the sheep.

“Turnabout is fair play,” said Mangrove Kariba. “You people have been landing missionaries on our soil since the slave hunters arrived and again during the time of colonization back in the 19th Century. Your churches are here, you have your followers. We just hope to preserve the balance by taking a more aggressive approach to our religious being,” he said. “In short we hope to maintain the status quo.”

Kariba said that between the Christians and the Muslims alone they have at least 20,000 sales reps engaged in preaching around the continent, and that figure does not account for the 2000 Moonies who have come over to the pagan side in recent months.

“What ever made them think we wanted to change religions?” asked Kariba. “Ours is perfectly fine and we’ve had it now for over 3000 years. “We see what the sun does for us and thank the sun. We petition the skies for rain and thank the gods of nature. When we kill for food we thank the spirit that is in the prey. Life manifests life.”

Many American missionaries are compelled to save these same heathens, who they insist are “stone-age” in their metaphysical development.

“We finally get to the point of inducement and they start with all the transmigration of the soul crap,” said Dianne Dactic, a veteran missionary, who has visited the four corners of the world in attempt to install her beliefs. “Most people don’t understand what we’re up against. They have all these ceremonies and dances, none of which are mentioned in the Bible. Imagine the Prophet Abraham with a bone in his nose. Besides, a lot of these people live in drafty mud huts and dress, well, scandalously at best.”

The foreign missionaries set an objective of 100,000 new converts in the U.S.. Sources within that righteous assembly say they may have to remain on the road until 2030 to reach that goal.

– Kashmir Horseshoe 

In the News

TEXAS THREATENS SECESSION

(Dallas) Special interests within the State of Texas have threatened to secede from “the Marxist States of America” according to a report in the Dallas Mourning News. The action comes on the heels of a Democratic victories in the November election which they insist does not reflect the real feelings of the nation.

“Obama won it on electoral college votes,” said Hestor Jacuzzi, former Tea Party stalwart turned states right’s booster. “He didn’t win the popular vote, especially here in the Lone Star State.

“We have oil and we’re bigger,” he smiled. “Starting up a whole new country could take some time but it’s better than running with the communist liberals. I vote GOP because I’m white and I hope too to be rich someday soon.”

Although the restructuring is still in ballyhoo mode, response has been brisk with an estimated 35% of the population favoring the leap from the United States to the Lone Star Republic. Another 15% say they are flirting with the idea but fearful about security if the new nation were attacked by Mexico. They also expressed fiscal concerns related to patrolling a border twice the size of the current arrangement.

“We’d have aliens from the south as well as Yankee aliens to contend with,” stressed Jim Bob James, of Wichita Falls. “It would cost more to be sure but the day might come when everyone in the new country was 100% Texan. Purity ain’t free.”

Zelmo Capp, a 17th generation Texan and failed horticulturist now Executive Director of Keep Austin Weird said many people in his constituency have been passively attempting to secede from Texas for 25 years.

“This could be a window of opportunity for the progressive thinkers in Texas to forge a new direction in keeping with the future,” he explained. “I favor joining New Mexico or Louisiana, but that will have to be discussed down the road.”

Although the potential redistricting is a long way off the United States Congress yesterday hosted a straw vote on the matter. Most elected officials were not present in their chambers (What else is news?) but 48 states voted to approve the measure, with Oklahoma abstaining.

“How’s that for a vote of confidence?” asked Capp.

A special session of the Texas House is expected to convene Monday to discuss preliminary options in light of the development.

Feds Raid Granny’s Cabin

(Colona) Drug Enforcement Agency officers descended on Granny’s Cabin Friday night confiscating several pounds of baked goods and an assortment of drug paraphernalia such as spatulas, wooden spoons and mixing bowls. The suspected manufacturing facility has been hastily linked to drug cartels from as far away as Morocco.

During the raid feds knocked pictures from the wall, tracked mud on her carpets and upset her cats according to a lengthy supposition filed by her lawyers.

Granny (no other name available), 91, was arrested on the spot and whisked away to a secret locale after she exhibited uncontrolled bouts of laughter and candidly confided that she did not recognize the authority of federal police in state jurisdictions.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I just don’t know.”

In a combined class action press release, attorneys for Granny say their client will fight the intrusion on the grounds that cooking with cannabis is now legal in Colorado. They say anti-pot elements have purposely clouded the issues so as to mislead the voting canaille and make people afraid.

“I thought that after all of these years puffing that I was finally legal,” said Granny from her cell. I followed the directives. I had only three plants in bloom and two in flower simultaneously, facing west, planted on a full moon, on private properly, discreetly placed and aromatically sealed, while standing on one foot with a silly medical license in my teeth after asking Mother May I and saluting the flag.

“I’ve been high ever since Virgil got laid off at the Idarado (Mine) in 1977, she continued. “He was home everyday for that winter and we would have certainly strangled each other except for our bong. Mellowed both of us out. I don’t know.”

Virgil, 94, was not at home at the time of the incident. He was reportedly out swimming Buckhorn Lake and was not charged.

Police say that five one-dollar bills found in a baggie with the brownies/contraband leads them “only to assume” that she was dealing the stuff, maybe outside of grammar schools. In addition Granny was unable to account for the estimated 4000 pounds of hemp (street value$6.6 million) that her scrawny, pathetic, little old lady weeds might have produced since harvest, leading cops to the same enlightened mercantile conclusions.

Although the bulk of the evidence was officially appropriated and sequestered in “a safe zone” it is now classified as missing. Furthermore the DEA has disavowed knowledge of the episode leading reporters to ask: Was this the work of terrorists?

Either way, Granny would like to remind her customers that she will soon be baking All Organic oatmeal cookies on Fridays instead of Thursdays for Valentine’s Day.

“The woman is a masterful baker. She belongs in jail and my ass chews gum,” said one supporter.

Granny’s longterm accolades include First Place in the Jackass Flats Full Contact Spaghetti Cook off from 1981-2007 while her Creme Brulee has been nationally ranked virtually every season since 1998. In 2007 she baked for the Queen during a Royal visit to Nucla and in 2009 donated her apple turnover recipe to the Smithsonian.

State to close schools

(Denver UPS) Schools in Colorado will close in 2014 in what has been called a cost saving effort. The institutions, which have been up and running in Colorado since OJ Goldbrick first set up classrooms in 1859, will shut their doors at least until 2016 according to unreliable Confront Range sources.

Existing daycare centers and alternative education concerns are expected to pick up the slack in what may become a lucrative field overnight. Many former teachers have reportedly filed for childcare licenses and the states’ private and parochial schools are shifting policies, in apprehension of a bonanza.

“The schools will only be closed for two years,” said one ignorant Republican representative.

“No one will even miss them,” agreed a gutless Democrat senator.

The closures are expected to save some $6500 per student starting in January 2014.