TEXAS THREATENS SECESSION

(Dallas) Special interests within the State of Texas have threatened to secede from “the Marxist States of America” according to a report in the Dallas Mourning News. The action comes on the heels of a Democratic victories in the November election which they insist does not reflect the real feelings of the nation.

“Obama won it on electoral college votes,” said Hestor Jacuzzi, former Tea Party stalwart turned states right’s booster. “He didn’t win the popular vote, especially here in the Lone Star State.

“We have oil and we’re bigger,” he smiled. “Starting up a whole new country could take some time but it’s better than running with the communist liberals. I vote GOP because I’m white and I hope too to be rich someday soon.”

Although the restructuring is still in ballyhoo mode, response has been brisk with an estimated 35% of the population favoring the leap from the United States to the Lone Star Republic. Another 15% say they are flirting with the idea but fearful about security if the new nation were attacked by Mexico. They also expressed fiscal concerns related to patrolling a border twice the size of the current arrangement.

“We’d have aliens from the south as well as Yankee aliens to contend with,” stressed Jim Bob James, of Wichita Falls. “It would cost more to be sure but the day might come when everyone in the new country was 100% Texan. Purity ain’t free.”

Zelmo Capp, a 17th generation Texan and failed horticulturist now Executive Director of Keep Austin Weird said many people in his constituency have been passively attempting to secede from Texas for 25 years.

“This could be a window of opportunity for the progressive thinkers in Texas to forge a new direction in keeping with the future,” he explained. “I favor joining New Mexico or Louisiana, but that will have to be discussed down the road.”

Although the potential redistricting is a long way off the United States Congress yesterday hosted a straw vote on the matter. Most elected officials were not present in their chambers (What else is news?) but 48 states voted to approve the measure, with Oklahoma abstaining.

“How’s that for a vote of confidence?” asked Capp.

A special session of the Texas House is expected to convene Monday to discuss preliminary options in light of the development.

Feds Raid Granny’s Cabin

(Colona) Drug Enforcement Agency officers descended on Granny’s Cabin Friday night confiscating several pounds of baked goods and an assortment of drug paraphernalia such as spatulas, wooden spoons and mixing bowls. The suspected manufacturing facility has been hastily linked to drug cartels from as far away as Morocco.

During the raid feds knocked pictures from the wall, tracked mud on her carpets and upset her cats according to a lengthy supposition filed by her lawyers.

Granny (no other name available), 91, was arrested on the spot and whisked away to a secret locale after she exhibited uncontrolled bouts of laughter and candidly confided that she did not recognize the authority of federal police in state jurisdictions.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I just don’t know.”

In a combined class action press release, attorneys for Granny say their client will fight the intrusion on the grounds that cooking with cannabis is now legal in Colorado. They say anti-pot elements have purposely clouded the issues so as to mislead the voting canaille and make people afraid.

“I thought that after all of these years puffing that I was finally legal,” said Granny from her cell. I followed the directives. I had only three plants in bloom and two in flower simultaneously, facing west, planted on a full moon, on private properly, discreetly placed and aromatically sealed, while standing on one foot with a silly medical license in my teeth after asking Mother May I and saluting the flag.

“I’ve been high ever since Virgil got laid off at the Idarado (Mine) in 1977, she continued. “He was home everyday for that winter and we would have certainly strangled each other except for our bong. Mellowed both of us out. I don’t know.”

Virgil, 94, was not at home at the time of the incident. He was reportedly out swimming Buckhorn Lake and was not charged.

Police say that five one-dollar bills found in a baggie with the brownies/contraband leads them “only to assume” that she was dealing the stuff, maybe outside of grammar schools. In addition Granny was unable to account for the estimated 4000 pounds of hemp (street value$6.6 million) that her scrawny, pathetic, little old lady weeds might have produced since harvest, leading cops to the same enlightened mercantile conclusions.

Although the bulk of the evidence was officially appropriated and sequestered in “a safe zone” it is now classified as missing. Furthermore the DEA has disavowed knowledge of the episode leading reporters to ask: Was this the work of terrorists?

Either way, Granny would like to remind her customers that she will soon be baking All Organic oatmeal cookies on Fridays instead of Thursdays for Valentine’s Day.

“The woman is a masterful baker. She belongs in jail and my ass chews gum,” said one supporter.

Granny’s longterm accolades include First Place in the Jackass Flats Full Contact Spaghetti Cook off from 1981-2007 while her Creme Brulee has been nationally ranked virtually every season since 1998. In 2007 she baked for the Queen during a Royal visit to Nucla and in 2009 donated her apple turnover recipe to the Smithsonian.

State to close schools

(Denver UPS) Schools in Colorado will close in 2014 in what has been called a cost saving effort. The institutions, which have been up and running in Colorado since OJ Goldbrick first set up classrooms in 1859, will shut their doors at least until 2016 according to unreliable Confront Range sources.

Existing daycare centers and alternative education concerns are expected to pick up the slack in what may become a lucrative field overnight. Many former teachers have reportedly filed for childcare licenses and the states’ private and parochial schools are shifting policies, in apprehension of a bonanza.

“The schools will only be closed for two years,” said one ignorant Republican representative.

“No one will even miss them,” agreed a gutless Democrat senator.

The closures are expected to save some $6500 per student starting in January 2014.