Missionaries Leave Africa Headed for US Shores

(Dakar, Senegal) Troops of missionaries representing a host of primitive faiths have left Africa and are expected to arrive in the United States on Friday. The Pagans, many who decree the philosophy of animism as the source of all truth, will then begin the tedious work of conversion.

This is the first time that Third World evangelists have attempted to persuade more civilized peoples to adopt their naturalist approach to the eternal questions of life, death and spirit. In a departure from the Western practice of buying spiritual recruits with food and trinkets, these missionaries will rely entirely on good faith and good example to bring in the sheep.

“Turnabout is fair play,” said Mangrove Kariba. “You people have been landing missionaries on our soil since the slave hunters arrived and again during the time of colonization back in the 19th Century. Your churches are here, you have your followers. We just hope to preserve the balance by taking a more aggressive approach to our religious being,” he said. “In short we hope to maintain the status quo.”

Kariba said that between the Christians and the Muslims alone they have at least 20,000 sales reps engaged in preaching around the continent, and that figure does not account for the 2000 Moonies who have come over to the pagan side in recent months.

“What ever made them think we wanted to change religions?” asked Kariba. “Ours is perfectly fine and we’ve had it now for over 3000 years. “We see what the sun does for us and thank the sun. We petition the skies for rain and thank the gods of nature. When we kill for food we thank the spirit that is in the prey. Life manifests life.”

Many American missionaries are compelled to save these same heathens, who they insist are “stone-age” in their metaphysical development.

“We finally get to the point of inducement and they start with all the transmigration of the soul crap,” said Dianne Dactic, a veteran missionary, who has visited the four corners of the world in attempt to install her beliefs. “Most people don’t understand what we’re up against. They have all these ceremonies and dances, none of which are mentioned in the Bible. Imagine the Prophet Abraham with a bone in his nose. Besides, a lot of these people live in drafty mud huts and dress, well, scandalously at best.”

The foreign missionaries set an objective of 100,000 new converts in the U.S.. Sources within that righteous assembly say they may have to remain on the road until 2030 to reach that goal.

– Kashmir Horseshoe