Kissinger in Hell

Part VI

Continued from Page 2

and shed light on the Chilean junta’s use of Nescafe in their torture centers in Santiago and Valparaiso in 1975 and 1976. Dr. Kissinger, meanwhile, was busy counseling Augusto Pinochet and his generals in the ways of aggressive social hypnosis, then returning to hell on the weekends as part of a progressive work release program arranged by his attorneys.

According to literate demons, Kissinger, whom they call “Dr. Strangelove”, sits in his cell each evening never complaining of the heat, languishing over lavish plans concocted for the bombing of civilians in Hanoi and Haiphong during the Christmas of 1969. When he grew tired of the nostalgic he would review maneuvers of the Indonesian Army during the murderous invasion East Timor. Haiti, Greece and Panama were next, followed by Bolivia, Laos, the Dominican Republic and El Salvador. Laughing, he would move on to revel in the successes of Operation Condor employed in out-of-the-way places such as Uruguay and Argentina, countries which would “have certainly gone Communist” without his input.

“How many of those leftist mothers, fathers and children did they murder under your direction, Henry,” some interested demon would always ask.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Kissinger would answer. “Maybe a million, maybe less. Who was keeping score? Are you counting Paraguay too?”

After a long life in Paradiso, Kissinger was deemed too old for Purgatorio, with its arduous steps, and sent directly downtown to the Inferno where he now resides with other lost souls. His mansion in Dubai has been seized to pay legal fees in extradition court cases from Brasil to Cambodia.

During those last days when he was still roaming about freely up there he was only welcomed in the United States, Britain, Israel and Dubai since he was wanted for war crimes everywhere else. Finally the  American government relinquished and, as it has done with all of its propped up strongmen and discarded dictators of late, turned on Henry and disallowed his continued “hiding behind the current”. He was seized by a sharp pain in the chest and fell from gentrified grace.

Virgil Coalcarr,  a fellow traveler says Kissinger is fine in hell. He fits in well and is getting enough to eat. His chances of forced extradition to a host of countries is unlikely. Tomorrow the divina comedia continues as Kissinger meets with Pinochet to discuss the arrival of former Paraguayan dictator, Alfredo Stroessner, to their maximum security wing.

In a pre-released statement Kissinger told Pinochet: “The taste of another man’s bread is always the sweetest.”

“The sweetest,” answered the former Chilean dictator, to the smiles of the netherworld guards.

Kissinger, due to his uncanny ability to inflict torment on millions while keeping his starched composure is the first known person to be admitted to hell before he actually died. His status within the Fraternal Order of Gehenna is pending due to his long association with Richard M Nixon, who is housed directly below Kissinger. Earning a

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Kissinger en el infierno

Parte VI

Viene de la página 2

y arrojar luz sobre el uso de la junta chilena de Nescafé en sus centros de tortura en Santiago y Valparaíso en 1975 y 1976. Dr. Kissinger, por su parte, fue ocupado Augusto Pinochet asesoramiento y sus generales en los caminos de la hipnosis social agresiva, y luego regresar al infierno los fines de semana como parte de un programa de trabajo de liberación progresiva organizado por sus abogados.

De acuerdo a los demonios alfabetizados, Kissinger, a quien llaman “Dr. Strangelove “, se sienta en su celda cada noche nunca quejándose del calor, languideciendo por los planes espléndidos inventados por el bombardeo de civiles en Hanoi y Haiphong durante la Navidad de 1969. Cuando se cansó de los nostálgicos que revisaría las maniobras del ejército indonesio durante la asesina invasión de Timor Oriental. Haití, Grecia y Panamá fueron los siguientes, seguidos por Bolivia, Laos, República Dominicana y El Salvador. Riendo, él seguiría adelante para deleitarse con los éxitos de la Operación Cóndor que trabajan en lugares fuera de la ida como Uruguay y Argentina, países que “sin duda han pasado comunista” sin su entrada.

“¿Cuántos de esos izquierdistas padres madres y niños que hicieron asesinato bajo su dirección, Henry,” un demonio interesada siempre que pidiese.

“Oh, yo no lo sé”, Kissinger respondió. “Tal vez un millón, tal vez menos. ¿Quién fue el marcador? ¿Estás contando Paraguay también? ”

Después de una larga vida en Paradiso, Kissinger fue considerado demasiado viejo para Purgatorio, con sus pasos difíciles, y se envía directamente al centro para el Infierno donde ahora reside con otras almas perdidas. Su mansión en Dubai ha sido confiscado para pagar los gastos legales en los casos judiciales de extradición desde Brasil a Camboya.

Durante estos últimos días, cuando todavía estaba vagando libremente allí fue recibido sólo en los Estados Unidos, Gran Bretaña, Israel y Dubai desde que era buscado por crímenes de guerra en todas partes. Por último, el gobierno estadounidense cedió y, como lo ha hecho con todos sus hombres fuertes apoyados y se desecha dictadores en los últimos tiempos, se convirtió en Henry y rechazó su continua “escondiéndose detrás de la actual”. Fue capturado por un fuerte dolor en el pecho y cayó en desgracia aburguesado.

Virgil Coalcarr, un compañero de viaje, dice Kissinger está muy bien en el infierno. Él encaja bien y está comiendo lo suficiente. Sus posibilidades de extradición forzada a una serie de países, es poco probable. Mañana, la comedia divina continúa como Kissinger se reúne con Pinochet para discutir la llegada del ex dictador paraguayo, Alfredo Stroessner, a su ala de máxima seguridad.

En un comunicado publicado pre-Kissinger dijo a Pinochet: “El sabor del pan de otro hombre es siempre el más dulce.”

“El más dulce”, respondió el ex dictador chileno, a las sonrisas de los guardias del infierno.

Kissinger, debido a su asombrosa habilidad para infligir tormento en millones, manteniendo la compostura almidonado es la primera persona conocida para ser admitido al infierno antes de que realmente murió. Su estatus dentro de la Orden Fraternal de la Gehena está pendiente debido a su larga asociación con Richard M. Nixon, que se encuentra justo debajo de Kissinger. La obtención de una

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LOCAL COW GIVES GUINNESS

(Ridgway) A Swiss Brown cow, appropriately named Brownie, continues to fill pint glasses full of rich, creamy Guinness Stout according to Onfre DesPlants, the gifted bovine’s legal guardian. At last count Brownie had thrilled thirsty alpine audiences with more than 17,000 gallons of the popular brew.

Sources across the sea expressed concern that the zealous cow might create an imbalance in trade since the United States may find it unnecessary to import kegs of Guinness, leaving the Irish brewery anxiously searching for new markets.

“Ironically enough Brownie was sent to the U.S. as a gesture of friendship in 2007,” said Sean McCoxcomb, a former dairy farmer from Waterford who now spends his days taste testing a variety of intoxicants for little or no pay. “We thought if we donated a few logistical awards to influential parties in North America we might continue to enjoy favored nation status no matter what the political climate here in Ireland. Imagine receiving a fully mature Swiss Brown in the mail,” he laughed. “That’s bound to gain someone’s attention.”

Brownie at the office

The cow’s efforts have already generated a lucrative industry in Ouray County with over 20 people employed in the many small storage units and another 50 at the main Brew Barn, located across the river.

Brownie has brought renewed credibility to the struggling ranching profession,” said DesPlants. “Already there’s talk of a bottling plant going into the Old School Building and a pipeline has been discussed to bring Brownie’s nectar to market.”

The beauty of the current situation is that Brownie appears to be quite satisfied eating sagebrush, willows and piñon nuts, all of which are available in abundance in the surrounding country. Recently compiled statistics even suggest an increase in tourist traffic due to the phenomenon.

“I’m not letting any of those loony birds near Brownie,” said DesPlants. “She’s sensitive to flash bulbs and polyester. Besides, all the commotion could cause her to plug up. I’ve seen it before.”

DesPlants went on to describe the tragedy of another bovine, a fragile Hereford named Lady Bird, who reputedly gave chocolate milk on a daily basis back during World War II. Apparently the cow, owned by local rancher Walter Domka, kept local kids happy despite rationing and other inconveniences endured during those troubled times. After the war she was acquisitioned by the government for psychiatric testing, and later branded a Communist sympathizer during the McCarthy witch hunts. Undaunted by these marginal setbacks the resolute dairy cow changed her name, moved to Utah and was elected mayor of Blanding, serving in that capacity through most of the Fifties.

Most readers will recall the saga ofWest Dallas Porkie, the nervous, politically correct chicken that laid square, geothermal eggs, and Hoss the two tone, multi-ethnic quarter horse that shat Cuban cigars along the shores of Cow Creek until his untimely demise (an Oklahoma hunter mistook him for a gelding cheroot in 1967) just two days before his 26th birthday.

Anyway, getting back to Brownie, the economic impact continues to marvel even the most sardonic of cowpunchers. Just yesterday local resident and clothing designer, Ralph Lauren, owner of the Double RL Ranch, west of Ridgway, announced a new line of ladies’ on-the-hoof ranch wear bearing a likeness of the cow. Lauren, who is reportedly scouring the lower Manhattan garment district in search of a suitable mate for the gifted Brownie, plans an extensive collection of perfumes in honor of the stout-hearted celebrity.

“Some of them have even been jawing about movie rights,” said DesPLants, “but we’ll have to wait until her book comes out first.”

Brownie’s literary agent refused to embrace a common agenda with regards to publication dates saying that her client is quite satisfied producing a monthly column in the San Juan Horseshoe about the evils of temperance.

“She’s been busy with the writing, the demands of her early morning milkings and assorted charity work with the disadvantaged over in Telluride,” said the agent, a stodgy, dark woman from Yonkers. “She barely has time to entertain a whirlwind over-the-sea romance with Finbar, a young Hibernian Shorthorn from County Mayo. Finbar, whom locals insist secretes 100-proof Jameson on major holy days, is a graduate of Trinity Ag School and former ambassador to Holstein-Friesian.

The two met while visiting a veterinarian in Ayrshire in May.

Despite the outcome of the bovine romance, spirits are up in Ridgway.

“The Santa Fe and Chinchilla Northern is already laying track in apprehension of yet another boom,” chirped DesPlants. “Hell, maybe even the Little Chef will reopen.”

– Rex Montaleone

IRA TO CHANGE NAME

(Derry) The Irish Republican Army has voted to change its name so as not to be confused with the IRS, the Internal Revenue Service, a rogue taxing agency located in the United States.

Citing negative name association, the IRA will now be known as either the Knights of Hibernian Interference or the Saints of the Fenian Brotherhood. The final name is under consideration.

“In this day and age one has to be careful with one’s public relations,” said Sean O’Casey of the Republicans, who for about 700 years have been attempting to gain complete independence from England.

In 1922 the 26 southern counties formed a nation but the 6 northern ones remained chained to the British Empire.

“We decided on the name change so as to present a more human face,” said Casey. “Right away we agreed that proximity to the acronym IRS was not the way to go. Why lock on to someone else’s bad vibes?”

The IRS had no comment since the majority of agents/landlords within that infrastructure are busy harassing its citizens with demands for tribute which will then be used to build a missile defense system or something.

Around and About…

Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats

(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Legal Lottery, she’s loaded and most of the local cats are dining on lobster..

That’s because she spends all of her winnings on the kitties.

“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on alcohol and fast cars.”

Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.

“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.

The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.

“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”

Excelsior Resumes Flights

(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, “The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.

Included on the daily flight schedule through St Patrick’s Day are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm).

The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron has been temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the last champagne sojourn had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.

“The kids did a great job,” said Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and the right horseradish.”

—-BULLETIN—-

Rove “interested” in Pontiff Position

(Roma) Super PAC inspiration, Karl Rove, has expressed guarded interest in a Papal opening

created by the announced resignation of Pope Benedict XVI today. Rove, the architect of beguiling and delusional Presidential campaigns in the U.S. is acknowledged as the premier propagandist and master of  deceit.

The Pope’s decision to step down, the first of his stripe to do so in six centuries, came as a shock to the Roman Catholic hierarchy, which already embroiled in Lent and under the gun in sex abuse cases all over the globe. The Tweeter Pope, as Benedict has come to be known, was also having trouble adding and subtracting in Roman numerals.

“The Holy Father could not even tell you what Super Bowl he was watching and he bet on the 49ers,” said one up-and-coming Cardinal, his eyes on the Cat-Bird Seat in the Popemobile.

The Pontiff who says he wants to “retire while I’m still kickin” will drain the Vatican coffers and redistribute the estimated billions to the impoverished of Latin America.

“Like hell he will,” said the red-robed cleric.

Whether or not the potentially empty coffers will affect the evil genius Rove’s pursuits is anyone’s guess. One controversial Venetian bishop suggested that the Pope was “well within his rights” to give away the money, accumulated since the Dark Ages.

“We’ve finally gotten around to doing what Jesus told us to do 2000 years ago,” he smiled.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Monkey wrench the Mother Frackers!”