All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Bad rosin bags blamed for losses

(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.

The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”

The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”

Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late which have taken the club out of contention by mid-June. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.

Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.

“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”

-Jack Spratt

BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush

(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.

“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”

Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health like so many rescue dogs.

In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and, of corpse, sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.

“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”

Dionysus to speak at Pavilion

(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on September 31. Undressing the subject of a sour public mood of late, the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action tapping his creative/intuitive power.

“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very website. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed. Many of these persons are so worried about questions that they embrace solutions and explanations that fall short of the truth.

Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.

“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”

The god pointed to two cult practices that are particularly dangerous in a free society: the mindless acceptance of religion fairy tales and the belief that demagogues have their best interest at heart, only because they say so.

-Fred Zeppelin

Impunity and immunity:

Immunity is typically used in a legal or medical context to refer to protection from disease or prosecution, while impunity is usually used to describe protection from the consequences of an unlawful act.

COMMUTER RACE RESULTS

San Miguel to Montrose County

Hwy 145 to Hwy 62 to Hwy 550 Telluride – Montrose

Early heat (weather dependent) 4 pm

Approx 5:30 pm start weekdays

5 pm heat. Team Bud Lite 1:39. Team Coors  1:50.

6 pm heat. Team Modelo  Highway 145 to 550

Liquor stop

Team Head-on. Hwy 62

Team crash dummies.  Hwy 62 to Hwy 50

Team felon. Highway Sawpit  to Hwy 50

Liquor stop.

Team Lackinsurance Hwy 550 to 50

Sat and Sun No matches scheduled

All report arriving in Olathe 2 minutes faster while risking lives in

mindless pursuit of tribal chariotism. 

Where are the cops? A few busts and it all ends.

Horseshoe Pleads Insanity — Beats Parking Ticket

(Crested Butte) General Kashmir Horseshoe, 149, was absolved of all wrongdoing in municipal traffic quart here this morning. He had plead not guilty by reason of insanity to charges that he had illegally parked his fire-engine red 1938 Packard on Sopris Avenue some three weeks prior.

A twenty-five dollar parking ticket plus towing charges were dismissed.

Acting as his own attorney, Horseshoe claimed that he was not fluent in foreign languages and therefore could not be held responsible for breaking the law as spelled out through a series of confusing road signs. He offered to show conclusive proof that he was clinically insane and began throwing himself around the quartroom, drooling, babbling incoherently, his eyes rolling around in the back of his head, a faraway mirk stretched across his saggy mug.

Then, after being restrained by the flirtatious bailiff, Horseshoe claimed that he was tone deaf, legally blind, psychotic, gun-shy and stupid. He added that he suffered severe seizures, on the half-hour, brought on by chronic gout and rum. He then explained the details of the evening in question and told the judge that a fine of that amount represented cruel and unusual punishment.

At that point, he proceeded to produce a well-worn, beaded wallet void of any funds. On the wallet was stitched St. Louis World’s Fair. The only thing in the crude purse was a piece of ancient lint-covered chewing gum, which he offered to the judge to take home for her children.

In Our Opinion: Dressed in a pink terrycloth bathrobe, a Union saber and unlaced Sorrels, if he was guilty of anything or any charges it was overacting.

“I find the defendant not guilty,” hollered the judge. “Now clear the quart before I change my mind and throw everyone in jail!”

Upon exiting the quartroom Horseshoe tripped on an AK-47 casing discarded on a flight of stairs and fell violently to the ground spraining his tongue and knocking his left eyelid out of kilter. He plans to sue the gov’ment for damages.

                                                                                  -Thumbellina Etchabarron

Sociable Services weighs Rockies’ impact on children

(Blake Street and Beyond) Some children as young as 5 are subjected to summer keystone barbarism say a host of academia’s and case workers here. Most do not have a choice, much less a clue, as to the behavior of the bush-league bozo Greeley meat people who show no signs of selling the lucrative franchise.

These meatheads are defrauding and defacing the national sport, a felony that lingers and festers on the warning track.

The performance of the baseball franchise sends a dangerous message to kids: It’s OK to perform poorly, with no heart and soul just so long as the money keeps rolling in. Children need heroes and the meat people let All-Star infields walk in favor of profit. This is not some hedge fund. This is baseball and baseball is sacred, especially to little tykes, who fall asleep with their gloves tuckled under the covers.

The only way to change that is through strict boycott of attendance and especially the purchase of clothing and other Rockies-related souvenirs. STOP SUPPORT! When the money train can no longer rach the station they will sell the franchise.

Here’’s more:

1. Often children, traumatized by the late innings cry themselves to sleep grind their teeth during the night . Endangerment of children is often the result when endearing turns to enduring. Exposure to extra innings continues to perplex doctors and dentists.

2. Children could be removed from the domicile in extreme cases such as double-headers and blind reliance on relief pitching. One Rox fan was recently acquitted but not before the judge issued a stern warning. “Maybe the Orioles or the Dodgers…?

3. Cases of kids that get lost in to the bureaucracy  might have to wait until Bronco season concludes to be further evaluated. 

“Fortunately, and to the great relief of sports sociologists, football teams only play once a week but the impact can also be long lasting and sometimes detrimental to future development,” explained one human behavior expert. “Baseball, like basketball and hockey presents so many games that it is difficult to measure the damage until the late innings when the clown show falls apart,

– Gabby Haze

A HIKER’S GUIDE TO HIKERS

with Melvin O’Toole

     One of the most dangerous threats to hikers on our mountain trails is other hikers. From National Forest to State Park, from Wilderness Area to mountain peak, growing numbers of hiking and backpacking enthusiasts are creating perilous conditions for themselves, for you and for posterity.

In a natural outdoor situation it is essential to identify various types of hikers, so that you might better understand how to interact with them, or get away from them altogether. Avoidance of certain species of incompatible hikers (called trekkers in more anal circles) may save your life or save you from an afternoon of unremitting anguish.

Learn to spot all kinds of hikers from a safe distance, identify them with rapid-fire accuracy, and be prepared to take evasive action to avoid detection and/or direct contact, “No I don’t want a drink of tepid creek water from your saliva-caked water bottle. I have my own cold water from town, sans parasites, safe here in my designer bottle.”

Here are some of the more common categories of hikers. The well-rounded woodsman will be quick to assimilate these classifications into a early warning system of his or her own:

The Elegant Hiker

Able to negotiate steep, winding San Juan switchbacks in high heels and a cute tennis skirt the female looks good on short hikes but the make-up fails on the longer jaunts. Characteristic markings: jewelry glittering from the fingers, earlobes and neck along with the perfect unruffled hairstyle are sure to attract predators such as mountain lions and even bandits.

In some cases the male dons priceless treasures too since he is concerned with plumage and first impressions in the woods. Both ascend and descend the trails like ballrooms, as if they were negotiating a grand staircase in a Yvonne de Carlo film from the 40s. (Apparently Rhett they do give a damn). Head held up high in designer boots, they fail to study the path before them for all kinds of debris both dangerous and simply annoying. These are the kind of people who are appalled by a pile of elk shit but aren’t the least bit offended by miles of parking lot asphalt poured over former pasture, at their local shopping center.

NOTE: The Elegant Hiker NEVER ever perspires. In a hiking costume that costs more than a used car, they keep up if it’s not too steep and breathe deep if it’s not too high. Mountain Goats and Bighorn Sheep are safe when one of these comes gingerly up the trail. Bears love the cheap jewelry. These hikers are likely to invite you to party at their loft and often carry credit cards on their hikes.

The Slob Hiker

The perfect antidote, or anecdote, to the Elegant Hiker. The Slob Hiker is perpetually unshaven, grimy, uncombed and in need of a shower. He or she thinks bad hygiene is compatible with the forest. His gait is heavy, a stomping, assertive, destructive stride patterned after Godzilla or an oil exploration crew. He appears to have just awakened from a long hibernation and smells the part. Trailside wild flowers are often his first victims.

White t-shirt and canvas shorts are tinged gray with wear and age. Grease-stained handprints are clearly detected. This type of forest visitor can be identified by a strange call, a hoarse bellowing that sounds tragically like a badger in heat, which could lead to countless tribulations as the hike goes on. He loves to chatter to himself on the trail breaking serenity for others while he points out painfully obvious points of interest.

“Look! A pine tree!” or “Look… A rock!” He pees everywhere. This hiker is loaded with spittle which is discharged constantly, leaving signs of his presence embraced by pack rats and deer flies. The Slob Hiker is happy to take your picture or pose for one. Watch your camera.

The Survivalist Hiker

This one would never think of breaking trail without an assault rifle or at least a pistol holstered to the side. High caliber is the key here…not his person but his weaponry. His pack is full of ammo and he has a K-ration granola bar hidden away in case of emergency. He carries a knife or bayonet for potential hand-to-hand combat with aggressive alpine creatures or topographic terrorists.

Difficult to detect due to a barrage of camouflage that blends well in any environment – be it the Iraq desert, the Congo rain forest, the Rockies or the chic El Lay hip-hop disco, this person carries enough to win whatever competition he has imagined. He has provisions and supplies enough to feed a small militia along with buried emergency rations and backup gear to keep him comfy in the forest for about three years. Then there is the cyanide pill in case he or she is captured.

Away from his bunker he is often anxious and clearly nervous when approached. He can be unpredictable and downright ugly when it comes to right-of-way on the trail and electric storms on the ridges. Paranoid people like this should not go into the woods. They should stay home in the cities and suburbs where the secret police can monitor their daily activity.

The Name Brand Hiker

Easily recognized due to his or her resemblance to a pretty  LL Bean or Eddie Bauer model from the respective catalogues, the Name Brand hiker should not be confused with the Elegant Hiker although the species share many irritating, albeit common traits. The manufacturers label is always proudly displayed on clothing, footwear, gear, hats and even socks. A T-shirt proclaiming Old Navy, Nike or GAP completes the outfit.

Rarely seen on the actual trail, this hiker prefers to stay home, read shallow outdoor magazines and shop on the internet. Name Brand hikers also exhibit the best smiles, the best tan, the best canteens, the best dogs and the best cars to take them to the trailhead. Their Day-Glo packs are crammed full of unnecessary but tasteful accessories along with clothing options for any change of weather.

These mountainy strollers can be easily identified by two unmistakeable traits: They are the only ones wearing fanny packs (apparently nobody has let them in on the joke) and they actually consume boring handfuls of trail mix, chocked full of nuts, seeds, roots, bark, herbs and dried fruit that even the local squirrels and trail chipmunks won’t eat. Some of these folks are marginally valuable, more informed than experienced in that they have read the guidebooks and perused local topo maps.

The Back-woodsy Hiker

Aka: The Ascender, this hearty breed not only tackles the most challenging, death-defying trails and summits but does so with a minimalist demeanor. He or she can spend up to a week in the wild with just a bottle of water, a toothbrush and some crackerjacks. He climbs in flip-flops or barefoot, running circles around the hiker that just spent $300 on some glorified flatland Chinese footwear, made for the mountains.

He could repel off a sharp cliff in Kansas or stare down a Grizzly on Bienville Street.

He welcomes the feel of rocks, pine needles and horse manure on the trail. When he wears a shirt it is a bit of tattered memorabilia from some masochistic triathlon in Leadville or Maui.

If he wears trousers, they are of the cut-off variety with lots of room to hang loose. Not to be confined by packed gear he or she relies solely on wits, finesse and luck. For the evenings this backwoods species carries a Swiss Army knife, a pair of backup thongs, a few waterproof matches and a bota bag filled with homemade wine.

He can then subsist on the trail mix and water all day then let it all hang out in camp by adding wine to the fare. With this beverage he can survive another few days, with no serious after-effects, when the crackerjacks and toothpaste run out.

Helpful in a tight spot but likely to leave you behind. Always has the answer, or at least a light.