All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
The Info Nympho
Dear Info Nympho:
Where does the Silverton Train go in winter? We haven’t seen it for over a month and wondered if there was something wrong.
Boris Bettinghorse, Mancos
Dear Boris:
The train is stored in a secret location somewhere near Durango so as to avoid freeze-up or dismantling at the hands of thieves that roam San Juan County when the tourists go home. The engineers are all shacked up for the winter and the coal has been stored for next year. Trains are definitely phallic, don’t you think? Just watch as they slink and sliver through the woods, penetrating the landscape. It all kind of reminds me of an affair I had in 1994 with the locomotive crew in Turkey on my way to Russia to meet Von, my Ukrainian lover. Have you ever played hide the carrot?
Dear Info Nympho:
A friend of mine aid you had an incredible recipe for elk stew. Could you share it? Also what do you leave out for Santa Claus in January?
Cristina, Montevideo
Dear Cristina:
My elk stew contains one very important, although often overlooked, ingredient…sage brush. Sage brush has been included on the roster of Easily Accessed field aphrodisiacs by the United States Eros League just last year. It’s wonderful and adds another taste to your run-about elk stew. Most diners enjoy it before, after, and during romance. It is known to lead to group encounters including ribald cross dressing and sexy tractor pulls. No hot chocolate for Santa in January. He prefers gin and can be quite feisty after a few. Other discussions of leaving things out presses the issue of censorship and cannot be undressed in this column.
Dear Info Nympho:
Is spawning abnormal or even immoral like my preacher says? Do the fish enjoy it or is it just a matter of going through the motions?
Rose Hipps, Galway Bay
Dear Rose:
Your answer can only be found by cross-referencing jokes about Canadians in canoes, illegal aliens with umbrellas and beach chairs and a sophomore level sex education manual. All of these can be found in the back room at the local library. As far as the enjoyment level it depends entirely on the fish. All the talk about cold-blooded instinct and dorsal fins can be confusing. Personally I have found that most men love to spawn given the right stimulus. That includes homophobic preachers who someone should be watching after church.
Dear Info Nympho:
What is meant by the term tropical vortex?
Mikki Miike, Crete
Dear Mikki
It’s right there in the Bronco playbook. All the other teams know it. Cats still see dogs in the dark. What do you see in the dark? Color-coordinated security codes = sexual innuendo. Tropical vortex refers to the square inches of cleavage seen on the beach compared to what is visible when a large lineman bends over to pick up a kicking tee. In short…when you experience a tropical vortex you may never go back to straight sex.
The Info Nympho can be heard on radio station KNYK during Bronco games.
Harris and Hamas confused by Trump
(Detroit) President Donald of Orange repeatedly intertwined the words Harris and Hamas in speech to GOP Youth here.
Political analysts from the sunny side of the street disagreed as to the linguistic, often semantic overlaps. Were they well-orchestrated attempts to equate Trump’s former opponent to an Israeli-groomed terror group or just more Trump meandering, calling attention to his greatness and mistreatment at the hands of adversaries
Shit happens when one surrounds oneself with loyal jackbooted thugs and Stepford Wives. Trump has continually challenged his foes with displaced patriotism and paper toughness. He likes to show up and hang with pro wrestlers to show his manhood. But yesterday the former President was unconditionally banned from the spotlight after WWF officials refused to sanction his presence in the ring due to “a moral code unbefitting of a professional wrestler”.
A Libertarian-based group has banished Trump from speaking until he pays debts owed from rented hall charges in 2016.
Nascar has already excluded Trump from any association with the sport because he is short several cubic inches. The Horseshoe apologized for taking this statement out of context and did so only in “the spirit acceptable language”. Trump remains as the main draw at various agricultural festivals nationwide and a tractor pull on Pennsylvania Avenue for Valentine’s Day.
-Small Mouth Bess
Santa denied Supreme Court appointment
(Crested Butte) Supreme Court candidate Santa Claus was in town skiing today attempting to shake off the bitter disappointment of rejection. Yesterday the White House announced that it was withdrawing its earlier nomination of the jolly old elf to fill one of the seats soon to come vacant on the United States Supreme Court.
“We were never serious about the appointment,” said a White House . “It was just an attempt at comic relief over the holidays. We need to keep a sense of humor here.”
Whether the shunning will affect any future aspirations of benevolence in the political arena was not clear, nor were his immediate plans after Christmas Eve.
“Even if we wanted to get Santa appointed we would have to consider such elements as his Canadian ancestry, his much publicized one-world views and the fact that he is far too young for the position,” said the source. “He’s still a kid. You don’t see our oldeconservative justices out there skiing at 20 degrees.
Although no one knows for sure, Santa is thought to be about 170-years-old.
“Maybe when he matures and reaches the appropriate age group we will resubmit the nomination,” said the aide. “After all, we don’t need some kind of generation gap at the highest levels of decision making in this country.”
– Suzie Compost
Give Tailing Funds to Residents
Funds further earmarked for tailings cleanup operations around the Idarado Mine sites near Telluride and Ouray should be distributed to residents of the area. The trust fund of sorts, rumored to exceed $2.5 billion, should be divided between the estimated 5,000 households in question, giving each approximately $500,000.
Suddenly affluent, residents would certainly begin traveling all over the world with a frequency much higher than the national average. Would it be too much to ask them to haul a second suitcase fill with tailings? Once they (the tailings) are out of our region they’re someone else’s problem.
Using formulas derived at this newspaper, we might be free of our tailings problem by the year 2037, which is decades ahead of other current estimates.
Then, and only then, will we be able to breathe free and get back to the business at hand: selling time shares to people from Texas and Oklahoma.
-Dolores Alegria
“Presumption is the brother of ignorance.” – General Kashmir Horseshoe, before and after the battle of Big Butt Butte, Mañana Brigade, 1882.
Las ninfas del bosque necesitan ropa de invierno
(Gunnison) Unas cuatrocientas ninfas del bosque que habitan en el valle de Gunnison se encuentran en una situación desesperada debido a la falta de ropa de abrigo, según se ha revelado hoy. A pesar de que el invierno se está acabando, las ninfas, a menudo decadentes, siguen en peligro debido a que las temperaturas nocturnas descienden hasta muy por debajo del punto de congelación. Los vestuarios frágiles y desgastados, la falta de leña y la disminución de los suministros de alimentos complican aún más este grave asunto.
Las ninfas, que suelen estar asociadas a las tardes de mediados de verano y a los encuentros eróticos con personajes célebres como Pan y Baco, se encuentran fuera de su elemento cuando soplan los vientos fríos. Los expertos están consternados por el motivo por el que las ninfas no vuelan simplemente al sur y evitan el mal tiempo.
“Estas ninfas no solo son procrastinadoras, sino que también son muy testarudas”, dijo el Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director de Hadas y Cosas Salvajes de la Universidad Estatal Occidental de Colorado. “Son todas unas holgazanas. A ellos les encanta observarnos desde la espesura del bosque y están obsesionados con las acciones de los humanos, pero huyen cuando se les acercan”.
Las ninfas, descendientes de ángeles caídos y pucas inmigrantes, han sido objeto de la curiosidad masculina desde el siglo XIX. Rara vez vistas excepto en las noches perfectas de verano, las ninfas han visto su número reducido en los últimos 50 años debido a la contaminación y la expansión humana.
“Si tienes la suerte de ver una de estas hadas, evita el coqueteo obvio y no intentes atrapar una, ya que no sobrevivirán en cautiverio”, dijo Pennywhistle.
Cualquier persona interesada en donar ropa y equipo para clima frío debe traerlo al campus de WSCU claramente marcado como For The Wood Nymphs para que no caiga en manos de estudiantes conscientes de la moda u otros segmentos menos necesitados de la sociedad. Ten en cuenta que las prendas holgadas funcionan mejor, ya que tienen en cuenta de manera más efectiva la envergadura y las capas.
– Sergio Jingles
La escasez de cuevas afecta a los osos que hibernan
(Lake City) El aumento de la población de osos ha provocado una escasez de viviendas este invierno, ya que muchos osos no han podido encontrar cuevas adecuadas. Ya en el condado de Hinsdale, la situación se ha traducido en más visitas a la ciudad y una serie de osos que se enfrentan al invierno en la calle, sin protección.
Se han observado osos durmiendo bajo troncos y empujando a mamíferos más pequeños, como marmotas y zorrillos, de los reductos tradicionales. Los residentes han informado de que hay más osos merodeando por la ciudad cuando deberían estar profundamente dormidos. Los animales necesitan más comida mientras están despiertos que mientras hibernan, lo que ha provocado una crisis.
A pesar de la construcción de nuevas cuevas durante el verano, muchos osos han abandonado la región de Lake City en busca de hogares en lugares como Creede y Ouray, lo que ha presionado a los servicios en esas localidades. El desarrollo del hábitat de los osos, así como el aumento de la cantidad de osos necesitados, ha provocado la escasez de viviendas allí.
“Es casi tan malo como que los posibles empleados busquen vivienda”, dijo un comerciante. “Parece ridículo que nos enfrentemos a esta crisis anual con todas las casas de trofeos vacías que se quedan vacías durante la mayor parte del año”, dijo.
Curiosamente, muchos osos han empezado a ocupar casas vacías para convertirlas en sus hogares de invierno. El problema aquí es que los osos no son buenos amos de casa y a menudo dejan un rastro de destrucción a su paso.
“Imagínese a la gente del verano que regresa a sus hogares en junio y los encuentra en ruinas”, continuó. “Qué sorpresa y podría ser incluso peor si el huésped todavía está en la residencia”.
Las autoridades temen que si la situación no mejora pronto, los osos locales se mezclen con la población general de residentes machos cansados del invierno y sean indetectables hasta el deshielo de primavera. A los residentes machos se les pide que se afeiten la barba, se corten el pelo y se bañen regularmente para no ser confundidos con los furiosos recolectores.
“Sería mejor para todos si los humanos se quedaran en casa y los osos se quedaran afuera hasta mayo”, dijo nuestra fuente, “pero eso podría ser una ilusión”.
– Tío Pahgre
