BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush

(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.

“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”

Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health like so many rescue dogs.

In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and, of corpse, sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.

“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”

Dionysus to speak at Pavilion

(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on September 31. Undressing the subject of a sour public mood of late, the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action tapping his creative/intuitive power.

“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very website. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed. Many of these persons are so worried about questions that they embrace solutions and explanations that fall short of the truth.

Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.

“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”

The god pointed to two cult practices that are particularly dangerous in a free society: the mindless acceptance of religion fairy tales and the belief that demagogues have their best interest at heart, only because they say so.

-Fred Zeppelin

Impunity and immunity:

Immunity is typically used in a legal or medical context to refer to protection from disease or prosecution, while impunity is usually used to describe protection from the consequences of an unlawful act.