All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Churches, Liquor Stores Competing for Salvation
(Manapew) Local churches and liquor stores remain neck-in-neck when it comes to implied comforts and financial profits in the salvation business. Although the economic horizon remains clouded, profits are up for both parties who offer distinctly different paths toward eternal peace.
According to the most recent figures, people here in the big ol’ buckle of the Bible Belt are still spending more money in the church pews than in the liquor aisles, but only slightly. With the summer raging on, a shift toward what sociologists call creeping recreational thirst may have a major impact on seasonal statistics. Whether these otherwise right field stats are hinged to morality or simply a matter of convenience no one knows.
A large control group, comprised of boozers in the pews, has yet to be introduced into the equation, making most conclusions irrelevant anyway.
Sources in the liquor industry as well as those affiliated with the temples of good news refused comment when tallied. Pagan groups have yet to return our surveys.
“Data is streaming out the window and head counts replace science,” explained one surly bean counter from her cubicle Thursday. Get everyone whatever they are drinking and let’s get down to some good ol’ preachin’.”
Social scientists contend that human nature can be chronicled through good and bad times by daily activity that seeks release and meaning. They add that providing simple answers to the eternal questions regarding metaphysics and sobriety are often enough to herd frightened people into camps that offer temporary relief from life’s stressful moments.
Many say that a combination of philosophies might do the trick while others see the two roads as highly incompatible.
“Often the guilt associated with organized religion propels the sinner toward the sin,” said another controversial study. “Too much Coors Lite and too much Jesus generally set the stage for disaster.”
“Moderation is the key,” say the experts. “The problem is that most of us can’t even find the door.”
-Alfalfa Romero
“Give us all a short, tall one.”
– G. Roscoe Lovingood, No Delay Bar, Montrose, CO July, 1978.
Rent-to-own ad space
In a flippant, all but haphazard response to diminished incomes in the newspaper rank and file, sanjuanhorseshoe.com is now offering doddering clients something concrete, personal and innovative. Much like a time-share, this acquisition is smooth and secure with a healthy down payment. Combining data collected from the War on Terriers, Slugs and Communism the transaction takes just minutes Here’s how she works: A business purchases a week of ads at $200. It then receives 200 Boner Points toward the eventual purchase of the rectangular spot (mortgage marketing measure) on the semi-prestigious sanjuanhorseshoe.com website. Most spaces run between 75,000 and 800,000 Boner Points, an easily attainable status, usually taking less than a year, depending on purchases.
Instead of throwing good money to the wind, we now see those funds invested in empowerment, in communication, in ego, in fear… intangible ad spaces—a great investment! The advertiser is actually building equity while promoting his agenda. A boon against inflation!
All solar-powered ad spaces are now off the grid, powered by promises and off-shore windmills along the Colorado and Green Rivers. Organic refuge, long the fodder for editorials, is today composted somewhere in the West End in an attempt to placate the Uranium Gods of yesteryear. Everything is recycled and collected by maintenance crews responsible for cleaning and lawn work.
Whether or not advertisers could sell their time-shared spaces down the road, sub-lease the ad space, or transfer services in promotion of specific products has yet to be discussed. Questions as to the validity of ownership and the conceptual ramifications of these acquisitions were not undressed at any public meetings*.
Once the ad space is the property of the advertiser he can reshape it, remodel it or use it as a rooster cave or hen parlor. Heavily monitored by Doomsday Partners, the Land’s End Coalition and your local police academy, one software giant surmised that a success here could go a long way toward solving the housing crisis in the country, repair failing infrastructure and provide clean air and water for all. She did not elaborate.
– Uncle Pahgre
*sanjuanhorseshoe.com takes no responsibility for lost items while on site. Please watch you belongings.
The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues
(Brought to you by O’Hara’s Hoof and Mouth Cream and Cosmetic Branding Enhancers. Always Remember: If it isn’t O’Hara’s
–it isn’t O’Hara’s. Available wherever good cows graze.)
The scene: A tree house in equatorial Africa
Tarzan: Why Tarzan no have last name?
Jane: Because you were raised by apes, dear, and none of them have last names.
Tarzan: Tarzan have tree house worth millions but no last name. Maybe Tarzan buy last name.
Jane: Now darling let’s be thankful for what we have. Just three months ago we built this tree house out of cardboard and tin and now it’s worth a fortune. Who would ever have guessed that the Djiboutis would have put in a ski area. I recall that only last year Chief Kingfish was afraid of front-end loaders and thought cranes were the work of the white devils. Now they’ve even got hotels with snotty staffs and a one-way gondola to the Fountain Village.
Tarzan: Tarzan not like gondola. Prefer swinging through trees.
Jane: So when do we close on the tree house? I can’t wait to buy some new clothes and take you to London.
Tarzan: Tarzan not like clothes. Not need shirt in jungle. Tarzan not have last name. Bank say have to have last name to open account, cash checks, build spec houses.
Jane: Isn’t it wonderful! All we did was hang out in our tree house for a few months and now we’re rich. I had no idea you were such an astute businessman, dear.
Tarzan: Tarzan pay attention but still no have last name. Even Cheetah have last name. Tarzan saw it on credit cards.
Jane: Cheetah has credit cards?
Tarzan: Monkey have cards and cell phone too. Why Tarzan not have credit card?
Jane: What does Cheetah buy?
Tarzan: Lot of bananas.
Jane: And who, dare say, does she call on the cell phone?
Tarzan: Other monkeys with cell phones and credit cards. Cheetah broker. Monkey plans to knock down jungle and build custom homes for rich people from the city. Cheetah say rain forest overrated, not need all these trees.
Jane: But if they knock down all the trees where will the monkeys and birds reside?
Tarzan: Affordable housing has been discussed, Jane.
THE END
TIPS FROM MR FIX IT
Today’s premier race features Proud Philistine against a newcomer Sarah’s Charm. We’d go with the older horse since some friends have had a chat with Sarah’s jockey and he agreed that his family would be far safer if he came in third. Later in the afternoon the daily double features Amalgamated Princess in the Fifth and Sorrow Jumper in the final race. Bet these two heavy since our sources confirm easy access to the east gate stalls and a lack of security in the early morning hours prior to the first race.
The question on the racing forms has been whether or not Galloping Goose will handle the extra pressure created by the return of Dove Extravaganza and his popular jockey Elmer Wadd. Let’s keep it clean here. We spoke to Elmer and he says Dove may take a fall in the stretch. He concluded that his chain of Chinese laundries would be far more secure if he got out of racing altogether prior to the spring card. Season record 115- 3. See ya round the winner’s circle!
“Colorado casinos offering counseling on gambling addictions are akin to a hooker on East Colfax offering advice on the techniques of celibacy. – Phillip Lassio
Back in the USA
Andean wildflowers grace the riverbank near Jardin, Colombia, my home for the past five months.
Buscando a Dios en todos los lugares equivocados
Senors y senoras:
Cuál es el número de Dios?
El Ser Supremo finalmente tiene teléfono celular?
Alguien por ahí tiene el nuevo número?
Pistacho Pete, Limbo
Estimado Pistachio Pete:
Sí, pero en este momento Dios no lo ha dado.
Para darle un toque local a la eterna pregunta:
(Montrose) El guerrero espiritual, el reverendo Phil Pharisee del Templo del Amor, de Ensimismamiento y Asimilación Sacrificial, abordará la pregunta penetrante: ¿Tiene Dios un teléfono celular? el viernes por la noche en el Armageddon Bingo Hall en East Main. El aparcamiento es gratuito y se servirán embutidos. Trae un pescado tapado y whiskey por los pobres.
