All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
vegetarians who hunt
This year western Colorado will see record numbers of vegetarians traveling here to purchase hunting licenses. For some, like Herb Gardener, owner of the Mother Earth Root Salad Patio in Los Angeles, it was the repetition of the often heard maxim; hunting is good for the health and strength of deer and elk herds that brought him out this year.
“We live in L.A. so of course we have a lot of guns,” said Herb.” And we enjoy shooting guns. This seemed like a way to use my guns for something positive. Yesterday while I was stalking a buck I could just feel the positively charged ions in the air. It was like the deer were saying, “Thank you Mr. Gardener.”
For others the motivation is different. Skip Townsend, a hunter from San Francisco explains:
“Eating meat definitely offends me. When I see people eating burgers I just want to smash their heads like pumpkins because they are so inhumane. I don’t even let my kids eat animal crackers.”
But man, I love hunting. The challenge, the chase, the feel of cold steel and the smell of gun powder. I want to get a big old bull elk, of course, this year I hired three veterinarians to go with me to doctor any animals I shoot. It’s very expensive but I don’t want to kill any animals, I just want to hunt.”
– Harold Forth
“Luck breaks a sweat.” – Melvin Bedwetter Toole
The Running of the Kokanee
continued from Soft News
and couldn’t see what harm it would do. Sure, I’ll take my chances, I’ll run with the salmon!
All a person has to know about swimming upstream, or down for that matter, is to watch out for rocks and overhanging trees. The high walls stretching down to the powerful current were chocked full of spectators. The participants began to bunch up, a turn in the river, the current swift, then peaceful, now tranquil as we float out at a snail’s pace to engage The Kokanee.
There…just off the right bank…spawning salmon and lots of them! Kokanee for sure, angry pent up emotions from the long hot summer flaring out through their lethal gills. Look at those razor fangs! They are moving toward the swimmers, bunched up still now breaking in panic at the sight of the fish.
I remember reading about this type of thing going on in Pamploma when I was a boy but not since the Heeny Tick Festival Flea Circus have I witnessed such brute bloodlust squatting on our sacred Colorado soil.
Sadly the stragglers are dead meat in minutes, dragged to the depths of the cold, heartless stream like marshmallows at the mercy of a roaring campfire, like chokeberries toasting on the tongue a goldbrick black bear. The survivors scurry back and forth into the water, clutching banks and willows vowing to stay on dry land forevermore.
It’s a lot like body surfing except that the salmon are the waves. Sure, there were moments when I was scared to death but, hey, everyone needs a little peril, a bite of fright in their lives. The icy cold water, the flags and banners of the crowds, the slimy Kokanee bent on death in the afternoon…it’s a lot different than TV.
If you simply use your head and concentrate…
What! I’m cut. I can feel the blood and see red in the water. I’ve been finned! Oh my god…I’m going down, the hooves of the beast cracking my scull like a shellfish in a blender, like an aristocratic keilbasa about to go under the knife. Trampled in the backwaters of the Slate, the East…what’s the difference now. Left for dead by fish with a morose, senseless agenda. Gored by the scale of it all.
Suddenly a surge of water lifts me. I pull myself out of the water and flag down a topsail henway tuna boat and hop on.
That night in the ship’s stateroom the captain and his seductive wife told me of the hundreds of souls lost to the spawning each year.
“And they’ll be back for more next fall, them that survived the onslaught.”
Town Council Passes Tennis Ball Ordinance
(Ouray) In an attempt to curtail the hoarding of tennis balls by local canine, the Ouray Town Council today voted to limit the number of balls to three per dog. Acting unanimously, the legislators agreed that the matter had reached crisis proportions and that swift action was needed to alter acutely obsessive behavior.
Local dogs can now legally possess only three tennis balls, which are to be stored on site and clearly displayed for inspection by officials. Canines found with the rubber contraband among their food dishes, blankets and walking apparel will be confined or tied up until the matter can be resolved. Repeated infractions will result in fines levied on owners.
“Dog court will inherit most of the accumulation cases although aggravated episodes may fall under civil jurisdiction,” said Rover Katz, interim city dogcatcher. “Part of the problem is that other communities in the county have yet to initiate these progressive dictates on conduct and unknowingly provide safe havens for the criminal element right under our noses.”
Many residents, both dog owners and others agree that something had to be done.
“We have dogs living here that have as many as 10 to 20 tennis balls hidden in bushes, dropped under porches and defiantly left out in the sun to rot,” said one woman who says she prefers cats.
“I’m all for dogs having a good time and all but three tennis balls should certainly be enough to entertain even the most neurotic canine,” added a local man who raises exotic Chihuahuas. “Most of my dogs are too small to get a tennis ball into their mouths so let them play with rubber marbles instead. We’ve only had one incident in fifteen years where a dog swallowed one. I sure hope marbles aren’t included in the restrictions.”
Critics of the ordinance say the town has no right to extend limitations on private property. They pledge to fight the new laws on the grounds that every dog should have his day, as clearly documented in state and federal precepts.
Meanwhile many dog owners here have enrolled their pets in Balls Anonymous, an organization that seeks to integrate dog skills and positive self worth, confronting the deeper demons of addiction.
Attempted Brook Burning Backfires
Failed attempt at brook burning nestles fears in Bible Belt. Brook burning is on the rise in the United States as self-righteous intellects collide with…oh…that awkward notion…again…Freedom…in the bedroom…in the library. Above we catch the action moments before a massive sunami landed right smack on top of these four soggy brook burning puritans, sweeping them away with the liberating current.
Bad rosin bags blamed for losses
(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late which have taken the club out of contention by mid-June. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”
-Jack Spratt
BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush
(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.
“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”
Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health like so many rescue dogs.
In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and, of corpse, sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.
“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”
Dionysus to speak at Pavilion
(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on September 31. Undressing the subject of a sour public mood of late, the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action tapping his creative/intuitive power.
“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very website. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed. Many of these persons are so worried about questions that they embrace solutions and explanations that fall short of the truth.
Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.
“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”
The god pointed to two cult practices that are particularly dangerous in a free society: the mindless acceptance of religion fairy tales and the belief that demagogues have their best interest at heart, only because they say so.
-Fred Zeppelin
Impunity and immunity:
Immunity is typically used in a legal or medical context to refer to protection from disease or prosecution, while impunity is usually used to describe protection from the consequences of an unlawful act.
