All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Las ninfas del bosque necesitan ropa de invierno
(Gunnison) Unas cuatrocientas ninfas del bosque que habitan en el valle de Gunnison se encuentran en una situación desesperada debido a la falta de ropa de abrigo, según se ha revelado hoy. A pesar de que el invierno se está acabando, las ninfas, a menudo decadentes, siguen en peligro debido a que las temperaturas nocturnas descienden hasta muy por debajo del punto de congelación. Los vestuarios frágiles y desgastados, la falta de leña y la disminución de los suministros de alimentos complican aún más este grave asunto.
Las ninfas, que suelen estar asociadas a las tardes de mediados de verano y a los encuentros eróticos con personajes célebres como Pan y Baco, se encuentran fuera de su elemento cuando soplan los vientos fríos. Los expertos están consternados por el motivo por el que las ninfas no vuelan simplemente al sur y evitan el mal tiempo.
“Estas ninfas no solo son procrastinadoras, sino que también son muy testarudas”, dijo el Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director de Hadas y Cosas Salvajes de la Universidad Estatal Occidental de Colorado. “Son todas unas holgazanas. A ellos les encanta observarnos desde la espesura del bosque y están obsesionados con las acciones de los humanos, pero huyen cuando se les acercan”.
Las ninfas, descendientes de ángeles caídos y pucas inmigrantes, han sido objeto de la curiosidad masculina desde el siglo XIX. Rara vez vistas excepto en las noches perfectas de verano, las ninfas han visto su número reducido en los últimos 50 años debido a la contaminación y la expansión humana.
“Si tienes la suerte de ver una de estas hadas, evita el coqueteo obvio y no intentes atrapar una, ya que no sobrevivirán en cautiverio”, dijo Pennywhistle.
Cualquier persona interesada en donar ropa y equipo para clima frío debe traerlo al campus de WSCU claramente marcado como For The Wood Nymphs para que no caiga en manos de estudiantes conscientes de la moda u otros segmentos menos necesitados de la sociedad. Ten en cuenta que las prendas holgadas funcionan mejor, ya que tienen en cuenta de manera más efectiva la envergadura y las capas.
– Sergio Jingles
La escasez de cuevas afecta a los osos que hibernan
(Lake City) El aumento de la población de osos ha provocado una escasez de viviendas este invierno, ya que muchos osos no han podido encontrar cuevas adecuadas. Ya en el condado de Hinsdale, la situación se ha traducido en más visitas a la ciudad y una serie de osos que se enfrentan al invierno en la calle, sin protección.
Se han observado osos durmiendo bajo troncos y empujando a mamíferos más pequeños, como marmotas y zorrillos, de los reductos tradicionales. Los residentes han informado de que hay más osos merodeando por la ciudad cuando deberían estar profundamente dormidos. Los animales necesitan más comida mientras están despiertos que mientras hibernan, lo que ha provocado una crisis.
A pesar de la construcción de nuevas cuevas durante el verano, muchos osos han abandonado la región de Lake City en busca de hogares en lugares como Creede y Ouray, lo que ha presionado a los servicios en esas localidades. El desarrollo del hábitat de los osos, así como el aumento de la cantidad de osos necesitados, ha provocado la escasez de viviendas allí.
“Es casi tan malo como que los posibles empleados busquen vivienda”, dijo un comerciante. “Parece ridículo que nos enfrentemos a esta crisis anual con todas las casas de trofeos vacías que se quedan vacías durante la mayor parte del año”, dijo.
Curiosamente, muchos osos han empezado a ocupar casas vacías para convertirlas en sus hogares de invierno. El problema aquí es que los osos no son buenos amos de casa y a menudo dejan un rastro de destrucción a su paso.
“Imagínese a la gente del verano que regresa a sus hogares en junio y los encuentra en ruinas”, continuó. “Qué sorpresa y podría ser incluso peor si el huésped todavía está en la residencia”.
Las autoridades temen que si la situación no mejora pronto, los osos locales se mezclen con la población general de residentes machos cansados del invierno y sean indetectables hasta el deshielo de primavera. A los residentes machos se les pide que se afeiten la barba, se corten el pelo y se bañen regularmente para no ser confundidos con los furiosos recolectores.
“Sería mejor para todos si los humanos se quedaran en casa y los osos se quedaran afuera hasta mayo”, dijo nuestra fuente, “pero eso podría ser una ilusión”.
– Tío Pahgre
vegetarians who hunt
This year western Colorado will see record numbers of vegetarians traveling here to purchase hunting licenses. For some, like Herb Gardener, owner of the Mother Earth Root Salad Patio in Los Angeles, it was the repetition of the often heard maxim; hunting is good for the health and strength of deer and elk herds that brought him out this year.
“We live in L.A. so of course we have a lot of guns,” said Herb.” And we enjoy shooting guns. This seemed like a way to use my guns for something positive. Yesterday while I was stalking a buck I could just feel the positively charged ions in the air. It was like the deer were saying, “Thank you Mr. Gardener.”
For others the motivation is different. Skip Townsend, a hunter from San Francisco explains:
“Eating meat definitely offends me. When I see people eating burgers I just want to smash their heads like pumpkins because they are so inhumane. I don’t even let my kids eat animal crackers.”
But man, I love hunting. The challenge, the chase, the feel of cold steel and the smell of gun powder. I want to get a big old bull elk, of course, this year I hired three veterinarians to go with me to doctor any animals I shoot. It’s very expensive but I don’t want to kill any animals, I just want to hunt.”
– Harold Forth
“Luck breaks a sweat.” – Melvin Bedwetter Toole
The Running of the Kokanee
continued from Soft News
and couldn’t see what harm it would do. Sure, I’ll take my chances, I’ll run with the salmon!
All a person has to know about swimming upstream, or down for that matter, is to watch out for rocks and overhanging trees. The high walls stretching down to the powerful current were chocked full of spectators. The participants began to bunch up, a turn in the river, the current swift, then peaceful, now tranquil as we float out at a snail’s pace to engage The Kokanee.
There…just off the right bank…spawning salmon and lots of them! Kokanee for sure, angry pent up emotions from the long hot summer flaring out through their lethal gills. Look at those razor fangs! They are moving toward the swimmers, bunched up still now breaking in panic at the sight of the fish.
I remember reading about this type of thing going on in Pamploma when I was a boy but not since the Heeny Tick Festival Flea Circus have I witnessed such brute bloodlust squatting on our sacred Colorado soil.
Sadly the stragglers are dead meat in minutes, dragged to the depths of the cold, heartless stream like marshmallows at the mercy of a roaring campfire, like chokeberries toasting on the tongue a goldbrick black bear. The survivors scurry back and forth into the water, clutching banks and willows vowing to stay on dry land forevermore.
It’s a lot like body surfing except that the salmon are the waves. Sure, there were moments when I was scared to death but, hey, everyone needs a little peril, a bite of fright in their lives. The icy cold water, the flags and banners of the crowds, the slimy Kokanee bent on death in the afternoon…it’s a lot different than TV.
If you simply use your head and concentrate…
What! I’m cut. I can feel the blood and see red in the water. I’ve been finned! Oh my god…I’m going down, the hooves of the beast cracking my scull like a shellfish in a blender, like an aristocratic keilbasa about to go under the knife. Trampled in the backwaters of the Slate, the East…what’s the difference now. Left for dead by fish with a morose, senseless agenda. Gored by the scale of it all.
Suddenly a surge of water lifts me. I pull myself out of the water and flag down a topsail henway tuna boat and hop on.
That night in the ship’s stateroom the captain and his seductive wife told me of the hundreds of souls lost to the spawning each year.
“And they’ll be back for more next fall, them that survived the onslaught.”
Town Council Passes Tennis Ball Ordinance
(Ouray) In an attempt to curtail the hoarding of tennis balls by local canine, the Ouray Town Council today voted to limit the number of balls to three per dog. Acting unanimously, the legislators agreed that the matter had reached crisis proportions and that swift action was needed to alter acutely obsessive behavior.
Local dogs can now legally possess only three tennis balls, which are to be stored on site and clearly displayed for inspection by officials. Canines found with the rubber contraband among their food dishes, blankets and walking apparel will be confined or tied up until the matter can be resolved. Repeated infractions will result in fines levied on owners.
“Dog court will inherit most of the accumulation cases although aggravated episodes may fall under civil jurisdiction,” said Rover Katz, interim city dogcatcher. “Part of the problem is that other communities in the county have yet to initiate these progressive dictates on conduct and unknowingly provide safe havens for the criminal element right under our noses.”
Many residents, both dog owners and others agree that something had to be done.
“We have dogs living here that have as many as 10 to 20 tennis balls hidden in bushes, dropped under porches and defiantly left out in the sun to rot,” said one woman who says she prefers cats.
“I’m all for dogs having a good time and all but three tennis balls should certainly be enough to entertain even the most neurotic canine,” added a local man who raises exotic Chihuahuas. “Most of my dogs are too small to get a tennis ball into their mouths so let them play with rubber marbles instead. We’ve only had one incident in fifteen years where a dog swallowed one. I sure hope marbles aren’t included in the restrictions.”
Critics of the ordinance say the town has no right to extend limitations on private property. They pledge to fight the new laws on the grounds that every dog should have his day, as clearly documented in state and federal precepts.
Meanwhile many dog owners here have enrolled their pets in Balls Anonymous, an organization that seeks to integrate dog skills and positive self worth, confronting the deeper demons of addiction.
Attempted Brook Burning Backfires
Failed attempt at brook burning nestles fears in Bible Belt. Brook burning is on the rise in the United States as self-righteous intellects collide with…oh…that awkward notion…again…Freedom…in the bedroom…in the library. Above we catch the action moments before a massive sunami landed right smack on top of these four soggy brook burning puritans, sweeping them away with the liberating current.
