All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Neanderthal Disclosure Explains Voter Behavior

(Stone Age Follies — February 2, 2016)

Anthropologists are suggesting that primitive interaction between humans and their hominid cousins sheds light on today’s illogical voting behavior. This longterm contact between early humans and Neanderthals, which included breeding but not much sharing of information, could explain the growing politico-economic phenomenon, where the electorate votes against its own best interests.

The brain drain that undoubtedly occurred during the Pleistocene Era, when a higher species of primate got frisky (conjugalis fortunatis) with a lower form of Homo Erectus, is evident everywhere today, not just in the voting booth. Poor people voting for corporate bought politicians because that politician says he is for guns or against abortion is absurd, especially when the candidate is only too happy to send jobs over seas and cut social programs.

“All a candidate has to do today is announce that he is a pious Christian and he’s got a fistful of votes from one coalition or another,” said one anthropologist who has received death threats for these disclosures. “God help the man who embraces atheism or even agnosticism, even though many of the lower rung are not familiar with the second term. Yes, the key to success is a mad charade where politicians, often the most immoral people on the planet, make a show of attending church and then call it a photo op.”

Whether primitive troglodytes cavorted with Nanjing Man, Solo Man, Wushan Man or even the shy Tautavel Man would have to be determined by
regular access and individual promiscuity quotients.

Paleontologists agree that limited knowledge of dating patterns and social norms of cave personnel severely impede their scope. They are quick to affirm that their role is not to judge the morality of these ancients, who lived Spartan went Spartan wasn’t cool.

– Marcella Pesterman

Global Flatulence Threat Undressed

Delta, CO  —  Colorado Bovine Extension Report  —  January 24, 2016

Flatulent cattle are among the earth’s largest contributor to the greenhouse gas quagmire, releasing millions of elastic tons of methane each year.

But Stefan D. Johnson, hyper-physics professor at Colorado Polygamy, thinks he may have found a way to stem the 200 to 400 mega-liters a day that flows from the digestive system of the average field bovine. By comparison a carnivorous person gives off about a liter per day, contributing more to the discomfort of those nearby than to global warming trends.

The world’s cattle, via the gastrointestinal frenzy created by digestive microbes, produced as much as 50 million metric tons of methane each year. Other major producers include sheep, goats, camels, llamas, deer, elk, caribou, oxen, yaks, water buffalo and marmots*.

The methane rises and is converted to carbon dioxide, which acts to prevent solar heat from reflecting back to space, trapping it in the earth’s atmosphere.

Johnson believes that the microbes’ methane production might be slowed by as much as 25% by the addition of antibiotic feed additives that act against certain types of negative bacteria, thereby lessening the impact by up to 37%, without distracting the animals from their business at hand.

In related developments, researchers at the prestigious University of Downtown Delta, confirm that they have taken delivery of a massive shipment of industrial corks for use in shadow agricultural experiments in Roubideau Canyon. Most agree that the installation of the apparatus could significantly reduce leaks, at least within the domestic population.

“The spongy plugs conform to the shape of the focus target, if you catch my drift,” said Johnson who is reportedly developing a machine to do perform more tedious, close-up stages of the operation.

The University of Downtown Delta has received a grant of an estimated $550,000, to insure that all cows understand these procedures and how a little inconvenience now could save a lot of trouble down the road. Rare explosions, noted in an expanded study in Switzerland, will be dealt with quickly and humanely. Counselors are on out in the pasture already ready to reassure any beasts that want to talk.

*Gassy marmots often produce enough methane gas to keep other rodents from squatting in their holes or predators from nosing around for long.

– Maribelle Dipthongue 

Horseshoe Seeking Verbs, Adjectives

(Colona, CO  —  Snob’s Grammar Review  —  January 12, 2016)

The San Juan Horseshoe has begun its annual drive to acquire new and used verbs, at-risk adjectives plus a few goof participles for use in their media empire this summer.

Paralleling last year, the crisper adjectives and drawn out participles are attracting strong interest at market levels not seen since the inception of the King James edition of Robert’s Rules of Order (1702) and Papal-induced Break Neck Grammar For the Masses (1999).

The second anthology, published in South America under the title Hablar Adecuado o Pasar a Infierno (Talk Right Or Go To Hell) was pulled from the shelves after censors found evidence that corporal punishment and other masochistic rituals were repeatedly employed while studying grammar. Many of the atrocities were committed by nuns, the damage still apparent in some of our reporters who, it spite of it all, did learn to speak English correctly.

Smokey rooms tell the tale of discarded proper nouns, multi-syllabic verbs and dangling participles expecting a welcome committee.

Although there appears to be a glut in common nouns, articles, adjectives and the fleeting adverb or two the Horseshoe might consider accepting a paragraph or two of the hapless subjects and modifiers.

Anyone wishing to negotiated the procurement of said pieces of the language should call the paper between the hours of 10 am and noon before the May deadline. All prospective adjectives should be over 21 and have a spotless criminal record while any qualifying verb must produce a clean bill of health. Some experience in sentences and phrases is preferred. Yes, all will be tested for drugs and misspellings.

– Small Mouth Bess

Ruins Are Ancient Racquetball Court

(Delta – Noah’s Archeology – November 25, 2015)

After almost hours of research, archeologists and people in sunbonnets at the University of Downtown Delta have determined that unearthed ruins here are a remote wing of Fort Uncompahgre and not those of a Stone Age civilization.

The tunnels and halls, stumbled upon only last year during a cleanup exercise, stretch some 900 feet in all directions and housed a rather lavish athletic complex designed by none other than Antoine Roubideau, Western Colorado’s first trapper/merchant.

Known all along the Old Spanish Trail as a fur trapper who liked to stay in shape, Roubideau built Fort Uncompahgre in 1828 sans amenities like a lap pool and climbing wall. Those came later. During the first year it was quite enough to fight off Indians, cure meats for the winter and solidify the weight room and sweat lodge. The next summer saw a further expansion that included mud baths and a full-time masseuse.

The racquetball court was constructed of discarded lumber then next fall.
It all came crashing down when local Utes, who had been secretly working out deep in the forest, attacked the fort and killed everyone twice. It is surmised that they carried off what was then state-of-the-art exercise equipment. To this day only a few free weights have been recovered.

During the world wars Fort Uncompahgre was part of an elaborate defense network and then used to house livestock. More recently it has been refurbished and is drawing many visitors keen on touring Roubideau’s racquetball court.

Dr. Ardmore Diggins, Head of the Tail and Posterior Department at UDD says the startling discovery of the massive workout arena is only the tip of the iceberg.
“If we simply dig up the surrounding mesas and river bottoms there’s no telling what we’ll find,” he offered. “Why just last week we happened upon a rusty ankle weight like the kind worn by Father Silvestre Escalante while he searched for an overland route from Santa Fe to Monterey in 1776.

“He liked to pump iron too,” said Diggins.

Diggins, a magnificent ruin in his own right, has been instrumental in exhuming Forts Crawford, Monroe, Hepburn and Garbo in the Uncompahgre Valley. He is recognized as the first white man to prune the Ute Council Tree (circa 1969).

His doctoral thesis, stored on small rolls in each of the fort’s privies, presents evidence that aliens built the forts and taught primitive man to trap beaver and shell pistachios. He operates the nation’s largest ringworm farm is an avid collector of old bottles.

– Dinty Moore

Mel’s Liver and Onion Wagon Schedule

Advertisement: January 3, 2016

Drive Through or Eat In…13 Mañana Locations to Choose From

Next to Disappointment Valley Optimists Club

Liver and Onion Wagon Agenda – Summer 2016

Winner: Friendly Service 1956-7

Monday and Tuesday: Gunnison County

Wednesday: Hinsdale and San Juan Counties
(Tariff subject to weight limitations on Cinnamon Pass)

Thursday: Montrose “Bacon Day”

Friday: Ouray County

Saturday: Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution Dinner

Sunday: After church – Call for specific salvation.
A backup liver and onion cart will spend most mornings at the Colona Shadow Government complex unless licensing fees increase.

Day Care Center Ends Weapon Production

(Ophir Loop – December 31, 2015)

In accordance with the termination of Cold War and the embrace of closer ties with former rogue nations the Happy Time Daycare/Arsenal will shift priorities from nuclear warheads to pencil sharpeners.

Headmistress, Ida Hopper, quickly reminded her charges that this could be only a temporary change and that if hostilities peaked once more, they should be prepared the return to their sensitive munitions work.

Happy Care is the only Co-op For Profit Daycare Center in the country. Students 2 through 9 engage in constructive play (production) for four weeks then spend the next four weeks studying swing play, drawing, learning songs, and taking their afternoon naps.

“It may take them slightly longer to graduate,” said Hopper, “but when they do they will possess years of work experience which is worth far more than some measly diploma.

– Melvin Toole