All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Santa Claus Canadian

(London, Ontario   —  The Shocking But True Account  —  Dec 22, 2015)

The red-clad father of Christmas has admitted his Canadian ancestry today much to the dismay of millions of fans south of the border in the United States.

Humbug.

“We are stunned,” said a spokesman for retailers here. “Why would he mislead us? Why would he impersonate himself in such a cruel way? He should be punished!”
For centuries Santa Claus was considered to be a product of the U.S. since his trademark image was created by people like Thomas Nast, Clarence Horning, Frank Leslie and Winslow Homer. Despite these presumptions the elf’s continued insistence that he reside at the brutal North Pole and his long association with Canada should have indicated a rat.

“People would prefer to gloss over the reality of a situation rather than consider all the possibilities,” said social scientist Margaret Swede of Cal Polygamy, a visiting scholar here. “Why do they think the Canadian kids always got their presents first? He’s been a rabid fan of the Maple Leafs since the first power play. He even goes to Rough Rider’s games. That in itself shows substantial instability.”

What this disclosure will do to Christmas down in the colonies is not known but former Presidential candidate Al Gore has bravely offered to fill in until a new Santa is appointed, or the old one is exonerated.

“Santa has mislead us for too long,” continued Swede. “Even liberal academia will be slow to forgive him for this ruthless act.”

As an acting Canadian, Santa is also a subject of the crown (Britain) which may not go down well in Fenian circles.

“His mother was a Murphy,” added Swede. “Ahh but don’t they forget the ould sod when they make a few quid across the sea.”
After the holidays the United States will consider economic sanctions against the Commonwealth of Canada for harboring the bearded fraud.

– Suzie Compost

ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY

We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to unruffle a few feathers once more.

First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of Melvin Toole hanging Christmas lights at the one of our many local prisons.

Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens who, in most cases, seem to be able to handle three sheets to the wind without incident.

Implications that Groppo’s pathetic physical stature and “diminutive” mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetles, Twinkies and swamp grass digested while growing up in Kenner, Louisiana, is true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian, who went missing in the bayou in 1968.

Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are unfounded and illegal. We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.

Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide. – Editor

Affordable Housing Crisis Takes New Turn

Once sacred cows, historical sites like Mesa Verde may soon rush into the fray due to chronic  housing shortages and the seasonal employee housing crunch in Colorado. Surrounded by thousands of acres of public land, local brain trusts  were quick to examine the very controversial opportunities of “tapping in” to existing space in the Rockies. (December 7, 2015)

Census Bureau “Foggy” Over Loss of Stats

(Washington DC    It’s Not Our Money Gazette   November 27, 2015)

Population statistics painstakingly collected in 2010 are feared lost due to a shredding frenzy in the capital. That’s one theory. The census numbers, gathered and calculated during an intense six-month effort, appear to be history according to a bevy of federal agencies, none of which are accepting the blame for the colossal snafu.

The gov’ment, scurrying to whitewash the foul up has yet to face the music insisting that the census results are “around here somewhere” and “will turn up”. That’s theory number 2, or maybe 3.

Mounds of trimmed gov’ment issue paper discarded in dumpsters behind at least 15 different federal buildings suggest otherwise.

The official Census Bureau position is simply that one of its high-ranking analysts took the population count home with him and has failed to return.
“It’s like losing a set of car keys,” said Bambi Bombi, a supervisor of some sort. “It could happen to anyone.”

Meanwhile at shredding central the search continues. Critics say the feds should simply own up to the mistake before it reaches scandalous proportions. Republicans blame President O’Bama and the Democrats are attempting to deflect negative publicity so close to an election year.

The Census people are reportedly “getting down” (to the bottom of all this mess) and have identified certain persons of interest who may have engaged in sabotage or terrorism. Why anyone would want to destroy a worthless and inaccurate roster like the Census makes little sense.

“Motives be damned,” said acting director J. Thespian Footlights. “We are left without our statistics. Without names and numbers we cease to exist as a valid government agency.”
Both political parties are already engaged in compiling patriot census figures that, as might be expected, favor certain agendas. The GOP says everyone is quite content while the Democrats say everyone is pissed.
A herd of university mathematicians is expected to arrive Friday to concoct a new formula for counting the burgeoning population here and in other parts of the world. -Eamon O’Murgatroy
“The Yurok people of Northern California would not talk to dogs for fear of them talking back – source “Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher”. We don’t know if the tradition continues today.

Horseshoe Voted Best in Several Categories

(Colona, CO – Pine Beetle Press – November 21, 2015)

The San Juan Horseshoe walked away with a record number of first place trophies for Excellence in News Creation at the 91st Colorado Stress Association Banquet held at Pea Green Observatory last night.

Panels continually focused on the Horseshoe as the easiest to tear into small portions and burn extending multiple accolades in this review.

Another top award, for taste and aroma, was accepted while the paper won another first-place mention in the Juvenile Pairing Classification.

Perhaps the biggest surprise was a stroll through a nostalgic winner’s circle where 93% of the general voters said the Horseshoe resembled impressionable moments in their childhoods.

The paper received $50 in cash from Zen Consumerism Magazine in addition to silver-plated dust collectors and wall plaques that will be stored underground in an undisclosed location.

Readers may recall when the paper took a Pulitzer back in 1992 only to return the prize to its rightful owners the next day.

– Merci Plaine

Three Farcheezies Injured

(Montrose, Colorado – November 20, 2015)

Three of the four Flying Farcheezies were slightly injured when one end of their tight rope fell into the Black Canyon of Gunnison during a performance here. The Farcheezies, a Croatian high wire act with direct lineage to the Hapsburgs, were crossing the canyon on the said tight rope when the incident occurred. Guano Farcheezie, his brother Armando and sister Helena all suffered scrapes and bruises and were treated and released at St. Roscoe’s Memorial Clinic.

The mishap was reportedly provoked by the actions of an over-zealous Forest Service ranger who noticed that the high gymnasts had not paid camping fees in the park since May 2, 2010. After several attempts to locate the high wire artists she simply began dismantling their digs. Unfortunately the dismantling included the tight rope that was tied to a concrete picnic table.

The attentive ranger sustained minor injury as several chickens, roosting in Ms. Farcheezie’s hope chest, attacked her as she excited the encampment. The ranger, whose name was not given, will be awarded for her dedication to her country with a desk job in Salt Lake City.

The fortunate survivors told reporters that they were relieved that the story first broke in the San Juan Horseshoe since, like Saturday morning cartoons, it is rare that anyone is ever killed on one of that paper’s pages.

“If this were to have happened in one of the other papers we could have all been killed and/or our names misspelled,” crowed Armando Farcheezie.

The group will travel to the Bland Valley on Tuesday to perform on a local news broadcast there.
-Ripple Van Winkle