All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
SAN JUAN NOTES
CALLER ID OFF THREE DIGITS
(Cow Creek) Residents dependent on caller ID technology to organize their social lives have been notified that the numbers employed are off by about three digits. Already several incidents have been reported involving inappropriate responses and other negative reaction to the local communication process. In short: Before you return a call or accuse someone else of monkey business remember to subtract three from the phone number on your screen.
Callers confused with all this should just hang up and try their call again. Do not rely on your GPS!
Earlier this month Wee-Mail service was interrupted between Ohio City and Pitkin after marmots chewed through rubber bands holding the system together. It has since been repaired, the cable buried underground.
Car Alarm Freaks Bear
(Ouray) An unattended car alarm has been blamed for frightening a bruin on Main Street in this mountain town. The senseless noise reportedly scared the nomadic animal who threatened to charge several pedestrians at dusk. The ensuing confrontation resulted in bent highway signs and a slight interruption of traffic, before the bear escaped into the Oak Creek brush.
Attempts at employing simple behavior modification techniques on the probing creatures has been ineffective up till now but the use of stun guns on car alarm violators and cell phone abusers has gone quite well according to a spokesman for the city.
Car alarms and cell phones remain illegal in Ouray County.
Already this fall more than 20 obnoxious humans have been trapped and relocated while tranquil bear watch perched in nearby trees. Humans are warned that all bear are not so peaceful. Some of the fury beasts, irritated by constipation due to a lack of berries have been quite aggressive when pressed.
Only yesterday a Red Mountain developer from Castle Rock and his courtesan land agent were almost eaten by a protective mother bear near Ironton. Fortunately for all, the black bear did not like the taste of the prey and spit both out.
GHOST OF DAVID FRAKES DAY VISITS ELKS LODGE
(Ouray) The long deceased editor of the famous Ouray Solid Muldoon paid a visit to the Ouray Elks Lodge last night, sipping on a beer and shooting a game of pool before retreating upstairs for a weekly lodge meeting. Although newer members expressed shock at the appearance veteran Elks say it happens all the time.
“Usually the spirits stay upstairs,” said one member, “but you know how nosy those newspaper people can be.”
After the meeting Day vanished leaving those in attendance with little else to do but adjourn to the parlor.
“That’s the first meeting he’s attended in almost 100 years,” said another Elk. “I wonder if he’s planning to pay his back dues.”
Ancient Anasazi Chuckholes Halt Work on River Road
(Ridgway) Attempts to pave the River Road between here and Ouray have met yet another glitch with the discovery of ancient Anasazi chuckholes in the path of progress.
Serious potholes exist, like washboard minefields, from Ridgway to Miller Mesa. Primary excavation, aimed at further surveying the project, revealed hundreds of these ancient apertures along the river. Further examination has exposed modular cliff dwellings hidden amid thick oak brush on the mesa to the west.
It is believed the Ancient Ones purposely constructed the chuckholes to repel invaders and collect water during dry seasons. The stretch of road will most likely be named a National Historic District Wilderness Area which means the chuckholes will stay put and motorized travel prohibited. Persons living along the road will likely be relocated to reservations in Utah.
Kareoke Security Systems Banned at Mountain Village
(Society Turn) Authorities at the Telluride Mountain Village, attempting to negotiate a left turn in traffic near here, confirmed reports that their sector would no longer tolerate kareoke security devices within the confines of that upscale settlement.
“We’ve already got a gated community and enough cops to effectively occupy Canada,” said Frank R. Flume, of the regional fire district. Why do residents feel the need for more protection? The kareoke alarms are ugly, intrusive, difficult to install and they scare the elk.
– Signel de Bushe
TV Takes Own Life
(Ridgway) A local television set has hurled itself off Ridgway Hill effectively terminating broadcasts and leaving one hell of a mess for road crews to clean up. The TV, which friends say was experiencing chronic depression over the quality of programming available, left no suicide note or will. Foul play has been ruled out
“It’s rare that we see household appliances go to such lengths,” said an investigating officer on the scene. “It’s sad and were sorry about the television too.”
According to llamas grazing near the point of departure the television worked its way to the edge of the hill then leaned over until it slipped off into Pleasant Valley. It said nothing but canned laughter was reportedly heard just before the jump.
“The little TV was trying to make a point,” said Elrone Rabbitears, a local media critic once jailed for threatening local news professionals in Bland Junction. “All that potential for information, art and entertainment and we have arrived at abrasive game shows and poorly concocted sit-coms aimed at the mentally inept. The only decent programs are on the Mexican Network but we still haven’t figured out what they’re saying.”
A service for the dead TV will be held on Sunday preempting the Bronco game on local channels.
– Sergio Jingles
COLUMBINE FIELD TRIP NETS POLARITY
(Montrose) Students at Columbine Middle School have discovered the existence of what teachers think is the North Pole during a seasonal field trip on the Uncompahgre Plateau. Participants, collecting rocks for a school terrarium, stumbled across small stones containing an iron ore thought to be magnetite.
“One end of the stone was obviously attracted by the earth’s north pole while the other end was attracted by the earth’s south pole. This is powerful medicine to say the least,” said one teacher.
Up until now most people believed that the North Pole was nothing more than the fictitious home of Santa Claus and that the South Pole was full of worthless penguins hanging out waiting to be eaten by polar bears or sharks. The remainder thought magnetic pull was a result of witchcraft.
“Last year all we got out of the annual filed trip was a field. This year we may be on our way to developing electromagnets,” said the teacher.
– Lora Borealis
Reformed smoker lights nose on fire
(Ridgway) A Log Hill resident is in stable condition today at St. Roscoe’s Hospital after reportedly lighting his nose on fire. The action, which took place on Wednesday morning while the victim was still half asleep, has been attributed to robotic behavior left over from many years of cigar smoking.
Melvin Jackhammer who, after ten years sans tobacco admits to still craving a smoke every so often, apparently lit the end of his nose mistaking it for a Nicaraguan cheroot in the early morning hours. At first only his nose hairs were ignited but it then became clear that his entire snout was ablaze encompassing the frontal sinuses and threatening the Pharyngeal Tonsil and even the little appreciated Eustachian Tube.
Medical sources hint that this type of behavior is a result not of addiction to a substance but rather a psychological reliance on familiar repeated action associated with the practice of puffing.
“What a buzz!” yelped Jackhammer, as paramedics hauled him off. “I hated to create such a fuss over one nose but it could have happened to anyone. I just hope my sense of smell comes back.”
Jackhammer is expected to undergo simple plastic surgery to rebuild the affected cavity in the morning.
This the first smoker-related injury in the county since 1968 when a Cahone woman, visiting Cookie Tree Ranch, attempted to light up next to a propane tank causing a massive blast that set an out building and surrounding fields on fire. Although she survived the experience she suffered minor burns in addition to the loss some 60% of her body hair. Despite the harrowing to-do she still pounds two packs a day and at 96 has no plans to change her habits.
“That woman was nothing but sage trash,” said a neighbor who recalled the event. “She had no shame. Why she even wrote a book about it. Fortunately it was never made into a movie.”
– Mongo Congo
Low Riders prohibidos por Engineer
(Ouray) Las personas que operan vehículos de pasajeros bajos, amortiguadores hidráulicos, woodies de la era espacial, vehículos recreativos y Humvees rotos han sido prohibidos en Engineer Pass debido a consideraciones de espacio libre. El paso, conocido por los profundos barrancos y los montículos de pizarra, es un desafío para los vehículos todo terreno.
Según el Servicio Forestal y el Departamento de Transporte, los vehículos de la calle no tienen por qué atravesar curvas cerradas y manipular pendientes pronunciadas que se encuentran en Engineer. Ambos dicen que se pueden emplear matemáticas simples para determinar la tasa de éxito en la negociación del pase.
Además de los peligros de la altura, muchos de estos vehículos prohibidos simplemente no tienen el par para llegar a la cima.
Los funcionarios del condado de Hinsdale aún tienen que decidir qué, si se debe tomar alguna medida, en su lado del paso. Muchos sienten que si los conductores del interior del país llegan a la cima, no deberían tener restricciones en el descenso. Recuerdan a todos los conductores que revisen sus frenos antes de comenzar cuesta abajo.
-Dolores Alegria
Trout Shortages Linger
(Montrose) Despite the rain and the efforts of the federals, a chronic shortage of trout continues to plague Western Colorado. While dwindling numbers continue to chafe the fannies of DOW personnel, local anglers appear content with the sybaritic properties inherent to the ancient relationship between man and fish.
“What’s all that about?” asked Al Pescadante, a spokesman for our raging bucolic paradise. “These are hard times for trout. For generations we’ve watched as the older fish retire at a rapid pace and the younger ones, victims of the fiscal current, head off to make their fortune in the city. The thinning ranks of production are aggravated by demands on social services while idle fish hang out under rocks. Sure, some of the younger fish return but by then all the good bait has been eaten.
Although purely hypothetical, many attest the theory of destructive humus fungi in the streams. Others feel the fish themselves should bear the brunt of reconciliation with their environs.
“We’re sick of these trout standing around with their hands out,” said Wanda Wanna, a blind fillet advocate who once tied more than 1300 flies in less than a week. “You don’t see kokanee on welfare, do you? For decades I’ve listened to trout whine about their predicament. Why don’t they pull themselves up by the boot straps like other fish?”
Some relief is expected following an extensive contract signed by Mountain Valley Fish and Oyster and the San Juan Horseshoe last month. In short the agreement calls for more career opportunities of fish in return for in-cooler/on-shore packaging considerations.
“Our goal is to get these fish back on track. Trout were much happier back in the Seventies,” said one fish market architect, “or at least they seemed to be.”
– Small Mouth Bess
