All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
COLONA ABANDONS NATO DIALOGUE
20 Years Ago in the Horseshoe
Four point plan unveiled
(Montrose) Angry with what it calls bungling and insensitivity in the Balkans the powerful city state of Colona has pulled its ambassador from Washington and sent an angry letter to the United Nations.
Early on the Colonese supported the NATO response to aggression on the part of the Serbian armed forces but now, according to one very high official “the NATO bombing has only served to escalate the conflict, creating more refugees and general chaos in the region”.
Sources here suggest that there is little a small nation can do when surrounded by a larger one.
“Our policy is to mind our own business and deal with the problems within our geo-political borders,” said a second spokesperson, “and we strongly urge the United States to do the same.”
In an official announcement this morning the Colonese have released a four point plan for the reconciliation of what has been a close relationship to the US in the past:
“First: We have unilaterally disagreed with U.S. foreign policy since right after the War of 1812 and only kept quiet due to diplomatic considerations and for fear of reprisals. Second: The arrogance displayed by the Clinton White House is disturbing in that no one has bothered to return our phone calls since March 24 when the bombing began. Third: Serbian-Americans make up 45% of the Colonese population according to the 1990 census. Fourth: Bombing other countries is mean.”
Colona has reinforced its borders with the United States in apprehension of a less than friendly response. Other regional capitals such as Cahone and Wyoming have expresses support for the Colonese and plan to send humanitarian aid and hay to get the population through until the first harvest in July.
“I got up in the middle of the night and ran down to the pay phone at the Colona Store to call the White House,” said Melvin Toole, ex-fireman turned irrigation engineer. “The least they could have done is returned my call. Sometimes a simple response can keep these situations from going public.”
The Colona House will meet later this afternoon to discuss the reinstitution of conscription and the construction of trenches from Billy Creek to Happy Canyon.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
US Poised to Claim Gold Medal in Prisoner Ratio
“We must continue to insure that our poor school districts continue to descend into the shoddy and inferior. Otherwise how can we be expected to maintain our prisons at full capacity?” – Arlene “Big” Heart, (Whig-Suburbs) “Sure, our schools suck but we’re firmly in first place again with impressive incarceration numbers. This is the Olympics of Education and we are competitive once again.”
Half of the world’s prison population of about nine million is held in the US, China or Russia.
|
Country |
Prison population |
Population per 100,000 |
|
US |
2,193,798 |
737 |
|
CHINA |
1,548,498 |
118 |
|
RUSSIA |
874,161 |
615 |
|
BRAZIL |
371,482 |
193 |
Estados Unidos busca controlar el flujo de ropa interior traviesa
París) Francia y una serie de otras naciones europeas han acusado a Estados Unidos de acaparar el mercado de la lencería traviesa. La acción, reconocida en parte por destacados diplomáticos, comenzó hace casi un año con el monitoreo federal de las ventas de ropa interior en América del Norte.
Los intereses estadounidenses supuestamente buscan controlar la industria de miles de millones de dólares en todo el mundo, según los líderes de la moda aquí. Dicen que los estadounidenses han aumentado la producción en un intento de dominar el comercio mundial de este producto malo.
“Ciertamente nos gustaría ver más ropa interior fabricada en los Estados Unidos antes de embarcarnos en algún esfuerzo conspirativo para regular su intercambio”, dijo Teddy LaRouiex, del Departamento de Estado. “En este momento, la mayoría de las prendas se fabrican en países del Tercer Mundo”.
Los líderes franceses, incluido el presidente Nicolas Sarkozy, han protestado por la medida diciendo que los gobiernos no tienen cabida para manipular la ropa interior ceñida. En una declaración oficial publicada aquí, los franceses no han llegado a condenar a un socio comercial desde hace mucho tiempo y solo han pedido que los EE. UU. Se abstengan de tal acción. “Nos escandalizan los esfuerzos por controlar la distribución, el diseño y los precios de la lencería traviesa, un producto que debe gozar de libre acceso bajo los principios de oferta y demanda. Esperamos que el peso de las protestas alivie lo que se ha convertido en una situación delicada ”.
Francia añadió luego que hay cuestiones mucho más urgentes en las que centrarse.
En privado, se dice que Sarkozy expresó su horror de que el estatus de ropa interior traviesa pudiera ser orquestado únicamente por un país “mal dirigido por grandes porciones de puritanismo y culpa”. Les dijo a sus asesores cercanos que el flujo de ropa interior es sagrado y nunca debe ser manipulado por una entidad privada.
Las reacciones en todo el continente fueron las mismas. En Holanda, los líderes pidieron a Estados Unidos que se mantuviera fuera de los dormitorios de la gente y en Italia, los manifestantes amenazaron con atacar la embajada estadounidense si no se revierte la situación. Portugal pidió un boicot a todos los productos fabricados en los Estados Unidos, mientras que en Irlanda las plantas de fabricación comenzaron a producir software íntimo destinado a combatir lo que Dublín llama una invasión de la privacidad.
Incluso los rusos están enojados. Hoy, el primer ministro, Vladimir Putin, pidió a los rusos que rechacen todos los volantes hechos en el extranjero y compren todos los artículos de interior, incluidos calcetines de lana y asas largas en puntos de venta de renombre dentro del país. Los economistas de la UE esperan que este alegato tenga efectos reverberantes en la temporada de lencería rusa (junio y julio) cuando en realidad hace suficiente calor para caminar con la ropa escasa.
Para no quedarse atrás Hugo Chávez, el presidente de Venezuela calificó los hechos como “crímenes de lesa humanidad”. Hizo un llamado a los trabajadores del mundo para que cesen la producción de lencería encuadernada en Estados Unidos.
“Que vean cómo es prescindir”, dijo Chávez como parte de un discurso de seis horas transmitido por Tele Sur. “Sus soldados comenzaron toda esta toma de poder en Europa después de la Segunda Guerra Mundial con las medias de seda documentadas y los atractivos de la barra Hershey. Ahora todas estas travesuras han vuelto a casa para descansar “.
Mientras tanto, los hoi polloi de la industria de la moda han permanecido mudos esperando ver más. – Herradura de Cachemira
CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX
(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Biden, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. The speedy action is seen by insiders here as an attempt to distract the diligent American population from themselves and the real world around them.
Proponents of the tax, established last month, were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation.
“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all the crap that is generated in these sacred chambers without making him pay yet another creeping tax.”
Opponents of the amendment, including authors of the Contract on America, issued this statement following the final vote: “Colonial attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 16th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with our Congressional shenanigans and pay us to do nothing why shouldn’t we in turn make him as comfortable as possible while he is being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product.”
One attractive television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. He then fell dead at his station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a common unlicensed street vender in Georgetown.
Meanwhile President Biden told reporters that the tax was easily as valid as his presidency.
“Do you know how much Vaseline costs at the pumps in Europe and Japan?” he asked.
– H.L. Menoken
Senate to House Homeless over Holidays
The United States Senate chambers, empty due to a yet another Congressional Recess, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with the country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia, New York. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope and leaves them on the street”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us to sleep on.”
A verbal Christian, Salamander shot back at reporters when asked what Jesus might have done with the homeless:
“Jesus ain’t here,” he scoffed.
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US
Thanksgiving in Turkey
Continued from in front of you
so that Bob (is that his name?) and I and the kids were pushed down onto the pavement and told to keep our eyes to the ground as the entourage passed by, snaking its way toward Mount Ararat and the grave of the Apostle Paul.
“Hey, mom,” said little Bennie, “says in this brochure that Turkey is larger than Texas. Is that for real?”
“No, stupid, it’s just all that jihad propaganda,” piped sister Beatrice from the pruned position. “Where did you get that brochure anyway?”
“Shut-up bitch,” said little Bennie. “Nobody’s talking to you!”
“Now kids, let’s try to put our hatreds aside. We’re miles from our hotel and not out of this yet,” said Dad. “These people are naturally friendly and engaging. They just have to get to know us. I thought St. Paul was buried at Lookout Mountain…”
No, that’s Buffalo Phil, fool,” said mom.
Finally, and not without more fanfare, the procession passed. The strange men in robes told us to get up and walk to the east and we would find true enlightenment…and our hotel.
“I wanna see Noah’s Arc,” said Beatrice, “and the ancient city of Troy. What a beat vacation. All my friends in Chicago will laugh at me if they find out I came all the way to Turkey without…”
“Wait, daddy,” I said to my husband, “isn’t that the road to Istanbul, or is it the road to Constantinople? They must sell ottomans there. I just have to have an authentic Turkish Ottoman or I’ll just die.”
“What about dinner?” whined Bennie. “We’ve been here three days and I haven’t seen a taco anywhere. Today is Thanksgiving. Where’s the stuffing?”
“Now Bennie,” said my husband, whose name eludes me just now, “this isn’t America. One has to adapt. Sure, all of these rugheads wish they were in America, the land of the free, but they aren’t. They’re marooned here in Asia Minor…have been for centuries. I thought you liked the filberts in barley sauce that mom cooked up last night.”
“I want pizza,” screamed Beatrice much to the chagrin of a large angry crowd that had now gathered, blocking our exit from behind one of a hundred mosques that crowd the cobbled square. “I hate filberts!”
“And where is the football!” demanded little Bennie. “Don’t these Tartar savages know that it’s Thanksgiving?”
“I hate tartar sauce too,” mumbled Beatrice, “and Kurds and whey…
“Stop!” cried daddy. “Look a fez stand right out here in the middle of nowhere. I think we should all take home a fez as a souvenir from this lovely trip. Say there sahib. How much for four fezzes…is that the proper term? Yeah, four…and don’t try to screw me. I’m an American and I have rights.”
At that he pulled out a U.S. fifty which the man selling the fez hats quickly grabbed and stashed in his robe. He smiled and then let go of the hats.
“Those hats look stupid,” said Beatrice, and for once her little brother agreed. We must have looked quite the sight wandering down those snarled filthy streets, sipping a Raki looking for some familiar signs of home.
“I have to pee,” said Bennie.
“We need to find a halkevi, or house of the people. Surely they will have indoor facilities…
“And cleanliness,” I crisply quipped.
“And a make-up mirror,” added Beatrice.
“And some good old American toilet paper,” smiled Daddy.
“We could ask someone,” I said melodically, swept up in the worldly banter of a man I no longer knew.
“None of these bozos talk American,” said Bennie
“Turkish isn’t so hard to learn,” said Dad as he wagged his finger at a would-be thief. “The Turks borrowed many Arabic and Persian words during the Ottoman Empire, then Kemal Ataturk changed the whole shootin’ match over to the Roman alphabet in 1928.”
“How does he know all that?” whispered Beatrice in my direction.
“Daddy was once a Middle East expert in of the Bush Administrations, dear,” I explained.
“It’s worthless information about a country that prefers figs to cranberry sauce, olives to pumpkin pie…”
“Shhhhh,” Bennie. Here come the mashed potatoes!”
As I looked up I saw thousands of men in the street. There were Turks from Ankara, Turks from Izmir, Turks from Cyprus. All were working together pushing a massive vat of freshly mashed potatoes, thinly veiled in Seljuk mohair, toward the largest of the mosques to the east of the square.
“Wow, dad!” said Bennie.
“Where are all the women?” asked Beatrice.
“Maybe they do celebrate Thanksgiving in Turkey,” I flinched.
“Look, kids. Look! It’s the march of the turkeys,” said Dad. “Look, honey, they’re coming this way. It’s going to be a wonderful holiday just like I told you. Honey? Honey? Hey, kids, where’s your mother?
“Oh, she was forced into that black Mercedes by two men who have been following us since yesterday,” said Beatrice.
“What? Forced into a car? gasped Daddy.
“Relax, man she’ll be back for dinner,” said Bennie.
– Luanne Julienne
Ms Julienne is a free-lance writer who lives in a big house in Connecticut. In addition to writing travel articles she raises amphetamines, which are then sold to collectors in New York. She hates yard sales because they contain tidbits of other peoples’ messy lives.
