All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Gasoline Now Luxury Item

(Houston) Processed petroleum has been reclassified as a luxury item placing the resource in the same category as caviar, furs, diamonds and fine champagne according to a newly formed government agency responsible for this kind of thing.

The identification of substances not affordable to the average consumer is a simple progression of economic reality according to the agency which operates within the confines of the Divine Right of Acquisition, based entirely on accumulated wealth.

“Now that gasoline has been listed with the elite, we hope people will stop bitching about prices and blaming the oil companies for price gouging,” said Darla Driller, a former IRS agent, now moonlighting with the public relations department at Exxon-Mobile. “Hardly anyone bitches when caviar jumps to $300 a pound or a condo cost two million.”

The announcement comes on the heels of figures released this month verifying that four major oil companies recorded a significant jump in profits this quarter compared to the same period in 2021. According to the documents filed with the United States Treasury Department Conoco-Phillips recorded a slight profit of 65% while Exxon-Mobile fell short with a paltry 43% profit margin. Also-rans British Petroleum and Royal Dutch claimed profits of just 36% and 34% respectively.

“It’s difficult to believe that the self-absorbed consumer could accuse these companies of gouging in the face of these statistics,” said Driller. “Don’t they realize that it costs money to deliver gas to the pump?”

In addition to the increased earnings the oil concerns will pay little or no tax due to reinvestment credits, exploration projections and boondoggle shelters set up by leading Republicans.

“These brave leaders are out to keep our plastic economy propped up while they suck it dry,” said Driller, “but then I’m the optimist in the pudding.”

“Poor people are just going to have to realize that gasoline, like caviar, is simply out of reach. If they want to go somewhere they’ll just have to walk or take the bus.”

– Fred Zeppelin

WSCU Rated Number 3 Party School

Mid-Week Category

(Gunnison) Western State University of Colorado has been rated # 3 in a national poll focused on student behavior. The poll, centered on the mid-week party atmosphere rated Western higher than many larger institutions including the University of Colorado and the University of Wisconsin, two perennial standouts.

Finishing ahead of Western, one and two respectively, were Cal Amari University and Wabash Polygamy Institute. Last year’s winner Jerry Lewis College of Durango, did not do well, ending up at #103 due to a breakdown in communication between the administration and the faculty who failed to establish class attendance norms.

“When kids are expected to go to afternoon classes in the middle of the week the status of party school will undoubtedly suffer,” said Myrna Clocken, a fixture at the school since 1904. “Just wait,” she prodded. “Next year we’ll be back, especially if we can drop those bothersome math and science requirements.”

Plans to schedule all classes between 10 am and 11 am in 2023 should keep Western State at the top of the party heap. In addition a government decision to include alcohol on the list of items legally purchased with food stamps should have quite an impact too.

“Many Western State alumni will go on to fill important recreational positions in the real world after graduation,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a visiting lecturer in the Department of Social Chaos. “We want to give them the tools to succeed even if we have to stay up all night doing it.”

A short ceremony acknowledging the high ranking will take place at the Colorado School of Mimes football match-up in October.

– Sergio Jingles    

South Townsend Sprawl Brings New Trees

Man’s Triumph Over Nature

(Montrose) After quickly bulldozing the natural vegetation south of Montrose, developers here are promising to plant trees. The deforestation of the area close to the Uncompahgre River has been likened, on a smaller scale, to cut and burn tactics common to the Amazon Rain Forest where that precious habitat takes a second seat to progress.

“Those cottonwoods were in the way,” said Sissy Facelift, an already rich realtor from downtown Telluride. “Montrose needs a corridor of malls and fast food outlets and besides I need something to do, somewhere to turn my family inheritance into more money.”

The plowed under trees, destroyed to make room for more asphalt and big box stores, will reportedly be replaced by designer, self-contained, micro trees flown in from Aspen and Vail. The farmland, where cows once graced peacefully is being marketed as having excellent development potential.

“We’ve got beds to fill in Telluride and those old trees just didn’t project the image we’re looking for,” said the realtor. “Why is everyone so upset? We’re just trading one clump of trees for another more attractively landscaped expression.”

What seems particularly amusing/sick is that the sub-suburban culture so readily expressed here is without a viable urban center to support it. Critics feel that Montrose is well on its way to looking like every other suburb in the country without actually being a suburb of anything.

“It’s formula living at it’s finest,” said Facelift. “We hope to attract every chain store known to man. After that we’ll throw a second story on the whole project and leave town.”

And the real estate boom goes on and on. Just last month our Bureau of Land Management jumped into the circle selling some 140,000 roadless acres of undeveloped public land to oil and gas companies. , 20,000 of those now damned acres are located in Western Colorado. What a bargain for the special interests at the taxpayer’s expense. 

Oh well, who cares. Broncos season starts in August and my revolving credit line has been increased and maybe, if we all keep quiet and cooperate we’ll see lower gas prices down the road. – Rocky Flats     

More “TOOLE escapes”

continued from previous imagination

and fell through the heavy brush. Toole was then debriefed and deloused then flown to Airububis, in the western corridor of this dirty, sniveling little republic. Unfortunately a malfunction in the bar car of the helicopter caused it to plummet to earth delivering the hapless Toole into the mouths of swarthy cannibals and into the hands of their long-time allies, the British. It was at this time that an English officer backhandedly introduced Toole to the lovely Nubian Princess Irm Peawit, “Mistress of the Nile” and heir to the Oscar Meyer meat fortune. Peawit had run away to Africa after the Cubs lost the play-offs in 1985, and had married several chieftains before falling into slavery in July of 1986. Peawit and Toole immediately began planning their escape.

Upon his arrival to Airububi Toole had noticed a system of microwave towers strategically placed at nondescript intervals throughout the region. If he and his exotic runaway could just reach the first tower undetected they had a chance. It would be all worthwhile if he could deliver the unsuspecting Peawit to her parents in Lake Forest, Illinois and collect a handsome reward of 30,000 pounds of bacon.

(continued on page 67)

Bake sale to benefit Tsunami victims

(Norwood) A ten-family ethnic bake sale will be presented on Saturday, May 28 to benefit the survivors of a series of Tsunamis that have again hit Indonesia. Despite the fact that the inhabitants affected are of the Muslim persuasion we still feel they need clean water, food and warm clothes. Toward the end of the sale a contest to determine degrees of patriotism will be held – the winner determined by the number of American flags he/she can display on a Toyota pickup. Be sure not to miss it!

County roads closed to protect endangered grouse

(Gunnison) Many area back roads and even a few highways will be closed this spring to protect the wild habitat of the now famous Gunnison Grouse. Besides all country roads in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties authorities have closed State Highway 50 from midnight until noon to allow the grouse to mate without interruption.

Highway 135 will be shutdown the day after Easter until July 4 unless the birds themselves complain.

While no one on either side of the controversial closings has ever actually talked to a grouse many have strong opinions. Apparently so do many grouse.

One Ohio City man says he speaks for the birds.

“We (the grouse) damn sure shudder at the sound of a bulldozer in our habitat but all these people snooping around in the backyard experimenting with us aren’t helping much either. It’s like missionaries bringing small pox to the god-less savages. We would simply like to be left alone. And there’s no reason to close the roads since none of us drive cars.”

If the road closures are deemed effective Coloradans may see plenty of rivers closed in the autumn to protect the Kokanee.

On the Confront Range, leaders are calling for a complete closure of all state and federal highways to protect humans, who, although not at all endangered are often driven mad due to overexposure to traffic. Back roads are so far deferred from the plan but motorists are warned that they (the roads) can be slick, muddy and/or dusty depending on the season.

“We will shut down I-70 and I-25 if that’s what it take to protect our way of life,” said a gubernatorial aide who demanded he wear an Elmer Fudd mask while on camera. “I wonder what Georgetown would look like without all the cars.”

-Estelle Marmotbreath

“Only two reasons to stop playing golf: You die or you run out of golf balls.” – traditional saying among putters