All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Utopia Mart Opening Saturday
(Montrose) A retail outlet promising eternal bliss is slated to open its doors this weekend. Offering consumers everything from dill pickles to breathing machines Utopia Mart expects to control a chunk of the consumer tide in just about a month.
“They even have people that will chew your food for you,” said one credit card enthusiast who has been camped out in the parking lot since June.
“Everything you could ever need to live a full life,” said another unhinged consumer, “and the pharmacy is nothing short of shoplifting…I mean uplifting.”
“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.”
– Edward Abbey
Pope to give away Vatican fortune
(Rome) Pope Francis today broke from a 2000-year tradition with the announcement that he would redistribute the vast wealth of the Vatican. Initial allocations will begin flowing immediately with the primary recipients expected to be practicing Catholics living in poverty. In the spirit of Euchumenicalism other poor people, deemed deserving, could get in on the pay-out by early next year.
At present, most of the wealth is being directed to poor Catholics in South America and Africa where poverty marches hand-in-hand with religious fervor. Guidelines for future compensation to groups such as Native Americans and others who may have suffered due to Vatican imperialism over the centuries have yet to be established. The new liberal policies dictate that money be bestowed without prejudice to hungry sectors through Doctors Without Hoarders.
According to an official statement the Vatican has apologized for banking its fortune while so many people go without the basic necessities.
“We know full well that this deserving constituency in evolving countries often engages in the practice of pagan rituals,” said Cardinal Emilio Zacola who, when the smoke cleared, almost became Pope Zacola last month. “We stole all those traditions and blended them into our own dogma back during the conquest/conversion of the heathens. I say let them have their idols and little gods. What’s it hurting? At least now they’ll have food to put on their table, if indeed they have a table.”
The sum currently residing in Vatican coffers has been estimated at over twelve billion dollars, all of which will be given away according to ranking Cardinals.
The abrupt shift in fiscal policy is expected to benefit the world economy putting more money in circulation. Economists project that the increase in consumer ascendancy will strengthen democracy in developing nations as large segments of the population begin joining the middle class.
“The Master was very clear on the concept of helping the poor,” continued Zacola. “Ancient scripture has always talked about giving and receiving. With the exception of the Divine Right theories and rationalized greed all of the theologies agree. Now maybe all those references to the meek inheriting the earth will be put into practice,” he said. “We’re not implying that the Master was a Socialist but neither did he work on Wall Street or sit on the Trilateral Commission.”
In a related matter the Pontiff had no comment on rumors that the Vatican would pursue the privatization of the Confessional.
“There will be no arbitrary consideration on sins of omission,” he said, “but on Fridays we will run a happy hour special on absolution. It will go cheap. With all of our money gone we should be able to qualify for foreign aid from the industrialized nations.”
– Alfalfa Romero
“It’s simple enough: If you want to sleep with Jane you’re gonna have to swing through some trees.” – Tarzan
HIGH SEASON-LOW VOLTAGE
You’re either in the Ouray Brewery or your not. Just ask the man at the door. Kevin has been credited with keeping life calm amid the throngs. “He’s kept Ouray from the abyss”, said a friend.
High Speed Internet is Better Than Sex
“High speed internet – hands down – is better than sex!” says a recent survey released by the Knights of the Ribald. The survey is published in many sexually explicit publications proudly displayed behind retail counters so as to prevent them from falling in to the wrong hands.
Those lucky enough to live in Fiber Paradise can download loads of sin, accompanying music, check e-mail, and have a cold beer – all at the same time in a matter of minutes.
According to one 34-year-old recently single woman, renting a Talibanesque cave for many bags of gold each month, “Who needs men!” she shouts with a beer between her legs at a Gunnison watering hole. “All I need is a good set of headphones, a six pack in the fridge, and I have the virtual world at the click of a vibrating plastic mouse.”
“In fact, why am I even here in this bar during happy hour?” she further questioned.
Lonely reporters report that wives and girlfriends are leaving their husbands and boyfriends with nice houses in the remote burbs surrounding Telluride, Gunnison and even Crested Butte for overpriced cable-ready apartments and run down trailers in Montrose and Grand Junction. “I left my boyfriend for high speed internet,” one Western State University grad reported.
A not-so-desperate Crested Butte South housewife uses high speed internet to order female sex toys paid for by her husband’s credit card. “My only escape from my overbearing husband and kids is my office, my cat, my erotic glass-blown gizmo and illegally free downloaded music.”
Even Western Slope mountain men are catching on. “The women don’t want me anyway,” shouts a drunk Colona cowboy who hasn’t been with a woman in years. All I need is a fast download of the latest Paris Hilton video and I’m good to go!”
As he proceeds to get slapped by yet another woman who won’t give him the time of day, he throws down a shot of Hack Daniels and adds, “Once you’ve had high speed internet, you’ll never go back to regular dating.”
“Foreplay took too long with dial-up,” one bald 60-something-year-old on Viagra reported from his Montrose double-wide. “I like my entertainment fast, easy and on the trashy side.”
The survey pointed out that one in five visit porn sites at least twice daily in their homes while a third of those surveyed get their fix at work on the boss’ time. One Telluride construction worker living out of his river shuttle Toyota secretly enters the company office to look at the Makita Girl-of-the-month on-line. “She’s better than the real thing,” he whispers.
-Bettie Rides
“Take a deep breath and don’t let it out.”
– Simple advice on how to deal with stress by Karen and Babs
“Ancient Bones” Not What they Seem
(Gunnison) What at first appeared to be the bones of an Anasazi warrior, has turned out to be no more than petrified biscuits and gravy according to archaeologists here. The dig, centered in a now off-limits acre of the W Mountain Complex, will continue for another five years in the hopes of discovering more.
Scientists, who have been carefully extracting pieces of the puzzle from the rocky soil above, were not thwarted by the laboratory findings.
“We have become accustomed to frustrations out here in the field,” said one digger. “Why just last year in Delta we thought we’d exhumed an ancient Ute canning operation but it turned out to be an abandoned 1947 Plymouth.”
Sources at Western State University insist that the dig continue, adding that artifacts lend credence to theories that the Anasazi were not able to manipulate cholesterol levels and that, in short, they generally ate whatever ran across their path and some what didn’t.
Although the quality and taste of the biscuits and gravy will not be known until the lab report is completed, conjecture here has it that the Ancient Ones made their own buttermilk biscuits and concocted a sort of gravy from roots, buffalo milk and the excesses of smoked sausage.
“How primitive,” said one archeologist.
After primary examination, the content of the gravy seems to match up with the consistency of a favorite trench mortar used to construct the Cliff Palace at Mesa Verde. This theory too, will be subject to the laboratory report.
“A regular diet like this may lead us to answers that have eluded us in the past,” said one scientist, “and once and for all determine the actual demise of an entire civilization.”
Tourists are asked to stay clear of the excavation site until about 2040.
– Melvin Bedwetter O’ Toole
