All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
EX-Mag Castoff throws hat into Commissar Race
The Neanderthal Party appears primed to run a Trump castoff for Commissioner. Sandy Knotty-Pine, a Log Hill fumigator, was reportedly passed up by in 2016 and he entertains a grudge against everyone in the system.
Good looks may win elections and the Neanderthals were seen as an attractive, if extinct race! Pine stands for survival skills that may be compulsory in the eternal effort to take one’s careful next breath in the dark.
She plans to choose a local fence post as her running mate so as not to confuse her likely constituency.
— Dolores Alegria
GAZA-Apres Armagedden
Photo from New York Times
Sainthood “posthumous promotion” – Pontiff
Pope Francis told a group of pilgrims that the sacred achievement of sainthood was similar to a promotion in the lay/corporate sector.
Outstanding Catholics, elevated to the rank of saint, are chosen due to goodness, love of fellows and loyalty to the Vatican. Their escapades while here on earth, although often theatrical, even melodramatic, could also have been quite normal, even boring.
“Why not make everyone a saint. It doesn’t cost anything.” said the Pontiff.
“Loyal employees get a watch after 40 years. Some get promoted to partner or VP. Why not sainthood as a reward for daily religious achievements?” he pressed.
At present anyone considered to be saint material must undergo a series of IV Divine Vatican impasses, checks and examinations: Recognition, Nomination Research, Beatification (which they say can be painful), and finally Sainthood.
The sacred status is more difficult to attain than, say, being elected to the House of Representatives but easier than securing a seat on the local town council.
In a related development: Recently unearthed documents alleging that Jesus Christ may have been Undocumented have gained international attention, but no comment from religious groups.
None of the major Judeo-Christian sects have commented on conclusive evidence that most Jewish male babies had not been registered due to the messy King Herod thing and all. Many undoubtedly fell through the cracks of ancient history leaving their political status unclear, technically illegal aliens in their own country.
In the case of the prophet Jesus this may have led to his short, interrupted life as a rebel and socialist.
– Fred Zeppelin
Next month: Did the Apostles smoke pot?
Ecumenical Council Leaves Trail of Smoke
26 Lanes on Highway 550
Division of Transportation Projections are calling for 26 new lanes from Montrose to Placerville. 24 lanes will be designated for southbound traffic in the morning and 24 will be used exclusively for northbound traffic in the afternoon. The work should be completed by Christmas Eve according to someone’s projections, and “not hamper” motorists as it has for the tourist season.
Thousands Trapped Inside TVs
(Gladstone, CO — Cultural Wastelands Press)Thousands, perhaps more of your favorite broadcast icons are being held prisoner inside television sets it was disclosed this morning. Actors, news anchors, game show entourages, afternoon soap stars, weight-loss gurus and cartoons, held against their will inside the boxes and flat screens are half-starved, deprived of sleep and routinely beaten by media Nazis on both sides of the political spectrum.
“This has little to do with applied politics. It’s more about bondage…bondage and control,” said Edwin Paar, who escaped the clutches of black and white television on the streets of Hollywood in 1956. Paar and others who have returned from depths of a seedy and decadent Television Land tell others of the awful fate that awaits chronic viewers to this day.
“How do you think they get all those fat people onto a flat screen?” asked Paar. “Is something wrong here?”
On-screen slavery followed by internment is more than most can handle. Snippets of information released by sadistic guards, aimed at tormenting already traumatized family members, have indicated that many of the incarcerated do not survive the Spartan lifestyle, expire, and have to be dumped out of the back of the television set in the dark of night.
“The world of bright lights and fantasy seduced them in the first place and now they get a heavy diet of what they thought they were searching for,” quipped Paar, himself a former talk show host who retired before the medium became a monster.
It is feared that many in a position to alleviate the problem are hesitant to take on the powerful television lobby. Several polled insist that a recue would throw the fragile communications grid into a tailspin, one that it may not allow for recovery.
“We think a lot of these personalities, hacks and front men who have gotten themselves into this mess should get themselves out of it,” quacked Paar. “Besides the terrorists (Can we not call them terrorists?) will certainly shoot the hostages if we attempt a archetypal military assault, whatever that is.”
Authorities had considered stepping in when a series of short films surfaced on Who Tube showing talking heads without legs and a network climatologist forced to make meaningless, sweeping hand gestures far into the night.
Anyone who would like to help these poor unfortunates out of the television sets can send funds to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. Cash only. No pledges.
– “Shroom DelFisher
Olathe Celebrates Hay Pride Week
Despite threats of a blowback boycott on sweet corn and yellow onions next fall, the town of Olathe is going ahead with a scheduled Hay Pride Week it was announced today. Hay from all over North America will be displayed as the town rolls out the red carpet for the tenth time in eleven years.
“The only year we missed was 1985 when Ronald Reagan sent our entire crop to the Russians for pancake mix,” said one hayseed and Hay Pride advocate. “In exchange we got subsidized and ended up with a couple hundred cases of Russian vodka. Now them’s some corn squeezins to be sure,” he coughed. “That kept the whole town toasted for most of the winter.”
Although no schedule has been released, the event will feature bale tossing, wagon races, a pancake supper and a special appearance by Helen or Gabby Hayes impersonators. As darkness falls a free hayride will be offered for kids under 90 and several local residents will be inducted into the Irrigator’s Hall of Fame located over at Pea Green.
The celebration will then continue through the next day with yet another pancake feast (this one with sausages) and a noon concert by Hazel and the Haymakers all the way from Delta. The festivities will then culminate with a candlelight parade through local haystacks in which VIP participants again consume vast quantities of pancakes and wash them down with (aforementioned) chilled Russian vodka.
Federal agents will attend to see that no illegal herbage is mixed in with the grass, clover and alfalfa common to the local fodder.
-H.L. Menoken
