All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

The Original Rock Soup

     Once upon a time two drifters, a bear and a fox wandered into a small, peaceful farming village on the edge of the great forest. They were quite hungry. Along with their meager belongings was a rock the size of a lemon tied carefully to a long string. They were quickly approached by curious residents who appeared a bit suspicious of the two.

     “Greetings from far away across the planet,” said the fox

     “Your village was chosen as our destination because it is among the most beautiful,” smiled the bear.

     The village listened skeptically.

     “And we are quite hungry,” said the fox, “but we have no gold to pay.”

     “What about the magic rock,” whispered the bear to the fox just loud enough so that he could be overheard by those closest to him.     

     “A magic rock!” perked one resident. “What is a magic rock?”

     The fox looked at the bear in disdain.

     “I guess our secret’s out,” he said. “We might as well tell them now…”

     “We are alchemists in possession of a magic rock which can make delicious soup!” explained the bear sheepishly. “We cannot use it often for fear that it will lose its power therefore…”

     He held the rock protectively in his hand, dangling it partially on the string, exposing just enough of it to encourage their interests.

     “…Therefore we invite you to dinner!” blurted the fox to the surprise of even the bear.

     The villagers were perplexed but anxious to experience the wonders of this rock.

     “What can we do?” they asked, returning to trust.

     “Well. first we need a large pot of water and…”

     Before he had time to complete his sentence a large pot appeared. A fire was started and the pot placed above it. The fox and bear stirred the water, enriching the village with delicious chatter as to the fine meal that they would eat. They carefully placed the rock, on the string into the pot of water and waited. Then the fox frowned.

     “What is the matter, friend,” asked a villager. “Why do you frown, sir?”

     “Oh, it’s nothing,” interrupted the bear. “He’s just sad because the soup might be so much better with just a bit of garlic.

     In no time another hungry village resident was back with a clove or garlic. The fox threw it into the pot and continued to stir. Now it was the bear who dropped his shoulders and said:

     “If we only had an onion or two…Remember the soup in the mountains? It was the best and only for the onions.”

     Quickly onions were produced without question by another of the now mesmerized villagers. The onions were cut up and deposited in the pot. The bear and fox smiled and stirred.

     “I have a bushel of carrots,” offered one resident. “Would you like some of my carrots for the soup?” he asked.

     The fox and bear looked at each other without cracking so much as a smile.

     “That would be a great idea, my friend,” said the fox.

     When the carrots were added the bear mumbled something about celery and it too appeared as if from thin air.

     Then the sheriff appeared and after a few shaky moments,  under the eye of the law, a bag of potatoes was delivered.

     “I’m going to get my wife,” said the sheriff. “She won’t want to miss this.”

     “Ask her to bring some tomatoes,” pushed the bear earning a dirty look from the fox.

     “Don’t overdo it,” he said. “We’re almost there.”

     The bear and fox took turns stirring and exhorting the crowd that has assembled in the center of the village. The aroma of the soup was now enticing.

     Then the sheriff returned with his wife and the tomatoes.

     “I brought along these roasts too,” he offered. “I hope everyone will enjoy them.

     Quickly the bear plopped the meat into the soup which was by now thickening like a stew. The fox stirred and stirred watching as the villagers produced nectar, spices and rolls. After another hour he announced:

     “Dinner is served!”

     The soup was ladled out and everyone had a large portion, especially the fox and the bear who had three bowls each. When all of the soup was gone the villagers began to clean up the mess. Then, just as everyone had reclined for a digestive evening someone remarked:

     “Where are our friends the fox and the bear?”

     “Have they left without saying good-bye?”

     “I am surprised at the rudeness…They would not have just left in the dark…”

     After a thorough search was conducted it became apparent that the two had retreated back into the forest.

     “Odd.” said the villagers.

     “That’s nothing,” said one small resident. “Look. They even left their magic rock behind.”

Scribe poised to claim notch in Guinness Record Book

(Continued from Page Infinity)

and, racing across three backstreets, managed to deliver his chatty, oblong fare to her engagement without further incident.

He’s a rather amazing fellow,” said the Spanish Ambassador, who had forgotten to get dressed again and was forced from the seminar leaving his notes and plenty of giggles behind.

As was previously stated, His Excellency’s prepared statements were earmarked to honor taxi driver, Melvin O”Toole, who at 117 years of age is perched to shatter a file cabinet of existing records dealing with “the elderly” operating motor vehicles in New York City. If he succeeds on any level he will be a no-brainer for the  Guinness Book of World Records.

Only four more blocks to go,” said longtime cabbie pal Everette “Fats” Whitewall, Toole’s stinkball foe for the last 70 years. “I knew him when he came in to the motor pool, a fresh-faced kid. Frankly not real bright. I didn’t think he’d make it through the first week.”

It’s simple: If the ancient hack can cruise four more New York City blocks before midnight tonight (or 2500 blocks by February 29) he will set the all-time record for distance driven by a cabbie over the age of 116. The bonus acknowledgments easily push him over the top, leaving little doubt who is in the driver’s seat. The Guinness distinction does not come with a cash prize. The almost famous cab driver is semi-destitute and hopes to cash in on endorsements as soon as he makes the cut.

The current fit accompli is only the latest feat attributed to this alpine Methuselah (originally from Colona) who was elected to the pages of Guinness in 1943 after he parachuted out of the same cargo plane fifteen times in one business day. He would have done more but he pulled a henway on the 16th jump and had to retire to a nearby tavern for the evening.

Later, in 1980 O’Toole balanced 72 canned hams on his head for ½ hour to set what the insiders say is, and will always be, an unattainable mark. Then in 2009 O’Toole shared sleeping space in a cave of black bear up Blaine Basin for three months, leaving only after a particularly violent argument over a tube of toothpaste. The old record was six minutes established by the ultra-combative Argentine jockey Manny de Mar near the abandoned Baldwin townsite in 1990.

-Pepper Salte

Paradise Copyright Contested

(Crested Butte) It appears that another nasty fight is in the wings regarding copyright violations connected to the use of the term “paradise”. The squabble centers around who, if anyone, owns the standard and how and if any restrictions can be enforced.

In Colorado alone over 2,000 locales claim to be “paradise” but most have never filed for the copyright. Here in the Slate River Valley, Crested Butte has been employing the name/identity since the late, great Chuck Wirtz was a boy. Now, due to newly introduced litigation the town may be banned from using the description.

Yesterday attorneys at Morstern, Hamill and Glick filed suit in district quart claiming that their client, Dr. Emil Turlo, late of Maybell (Colorado) owns sole rights to the above said concept. Furthermore, they insist, communities and organizations currently infringing on his property are liable for fines and penalties so as to be determined by the findings of a judge and jury.

Turlo, a retired physician who once lived in Crested Butte, would not return phone calls because he is too old to use a cellphone.

“Anyone can clearly see that Crested Butte and not Maybell is paradise,” said a Bozo member who pledged a fight. “We won’t take this matter lying down,” she said. “The matter has already been handed over to our attorneys. I can’t believe someone could be so self-absorbed that they would make a big deal out of this.”

The unidentified Bozo member then rushed off to oversee the construction of what has been described as a system of trenches and ravines, built around her trophy cabin, aimed at keeping local dogs from peeing on her rose bushes.

In last night’s town council meeting a proposal that the town save attorney fees and let Turlo have the rights to paradise was vehemently shouted down.

“Why should we relinquish our right to the concept? Isn’t there something about grandfathering in the state code. We’ve been paradise for a long time,” explained one councilperson who favors a fight. “Can you imagine how much it will cost to print new stationary and ski brochures? Will we have to rename Paradise Divide?”

Pro-paradise elements in the town say they’ll hire “other investigators (read: pistoleros from Paonia) if the present one doesn’t have the stomach for the work.”

Although Turlo can no longer use the phone, his attorneys say he is only going forward with the suit so as “to ruin other people’s fun this summer”. A pre-trial hearing is set for July 3.

-Fred Zeppelin

American Taliban followers forgiven in advance

(Colorado Springs) A leader of the growing American Taliban Church told believers not to worry about personal morality since by adhering to the strict dogmas of the organization, they are automatically forgiven up front.

     Bypassing the normal channels of forgiveness, the new sect has attracted many former sinners, too busy to apply for salvation by more traditional methods. Whether the faithful might exhibit remorse was not discussed.

     Speaking from his porch within the state’s first double-gated, gated community, Rev. Carl Chivington told his flock how to eat, sleep and vote if they wanted to embrace the new arrangement.

     “Hell, we’d have even forgiven Judas,” he sneered. “People are far too concerned about breaking a commandment or two when they should be focused on making more money.”

     Chivington, from three generations of circuit riding preachers, operates Sins Be Gone car washes all over Southeast Colorado.

     “Sometimes funds from the church get all mixed up with profits from the car washes and my own personal wealth,” said Chivington, “but I’m forgiven for that too. Anyone you do not see in the pew is out fornicating, drinking and shooting drugs,” he added. There is no gray area in the eyes of righteous. You can be sure of that.”         – Kashmir Horseshoe

6:15 am Big Mouth News Hourly Update

Developing story regarding the well-loved Ronald Reagan airport statue at DCA in Washington: Our clandestine operators and mindless news and aluminum collectors report that it is still there this morning. Thieves took the sacred piece hostage last weekend demanding millions in ransom, only to return it when no offers reached the table. The effigy was then timorously restored to its rightful resting place, greeting air travelers at DCA.

The red, yellow and green statue of Bob Marley that meritoriously filled in during Reagan’s short absence, has been sentenced to mothballs for the present. Readers may recall that the airport was first named Bob Marley International Airport during the Carter Presidency then changed to Ronald Reagan although most Washington insiders refer to the facility as Nancy Reagan International, knowing full well who wore the pants in that family.

-Neville Hoser III

Yule Jewel Astrograph

Mañana, Colorado    Yuletide Crier and Whiner  

DEC 25, 2023

(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations. Go ahead now and open your presents…)

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are strictly summer concoctions and should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Learn to juggle ideologies and balance a friend’s mindless opinions on the end of your nose.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Peace on Earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Cows in the corn.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)

Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Parma, Ohio tonight.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Does a fish need a bicycle? Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: Two drinks is plenty

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. Lines are usually short and there’s nobody out jogging at three in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Tonight: Spend quality time with a social parasite.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your good humor and charisma are getting tedious for others. Try the scrooge approach. That way people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas.You will perform best today by staying out off stage. Buying people off could be better than putting them on. An old lover will hit you with a wrought iron cane or bamboo rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of oatmeal. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along your pacemaker. Confusion reigns. Don’t forget your umbrella.  Tonight: Academic strolls down primrose lane.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Dreams of travel should not be chronicled while sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Tonight: Keep eating fruitcake.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy, early morning trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of Vallenato music.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for fireworks on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and Christmas cards altogether. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A persistent old fish has his fins on you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)

How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 25-yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, punting too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. Tonight: Drinking to excess has worked for some.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that brand new Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life there are body guards. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilette paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle while you still can whittle. Tonight: Swoon.