All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Aliens Must Make Reservations

(Mars) Extraterrestrials wishing to visit the planet earth during peak summer months must make reservations at least two months in advance so as to secure transport and accommodation, according to experts in the travel industry. Due to the rising popularity of earth as a destination resort for many space creatures, seats are at a premium and agendas must be adjusted to handle the impact, especially in July and August.

“The average cost of two weeks in the mountains or at the ocean has risen sharply along with the development of sophisticated spacecraft and more leisure time throughout the galaxy,” explained Okra Sinfree, well-known host of a syndicated travel program on television. “Beings living on some of the wealthy, more progressive stars get five weeks paid vacation per year while workers on Stellar 17 and the well-heeled Epicurean Constellation can chalk up more than two months leave after just one year of servitude.”

Aliens are said to prefer travel to the United States due to a well-documented romance with the cowboy and Indians culture, an obsession with minor league baseball and a love for the wide open spaces. Even with higher costs and the strength of the dollar many prefer the US to Europe in the summer months.

Intergalactic currency measures up well against both the dollar and the euro and, since most aliens seek access to the highlights of the planet they may spend one day in Venice and the next in the Grand Canyon. Perennial favorites like the Eiffel Tower and Disneyland remain big favorites with families whole New York and Paris stand alone in overall popularity.

“Increased access to earth has created a flood of visitors but has severely taxed the infrastructure with car rental agencies, hotels and restaurants mobbed and airports in a constant state of chaos,” said the travel source. “Fortunately most of our visitors from other planets celebrate the weekend over Tuesday and Wednesday or we’d never be able to absorb the increase in traffic.”

Residents of earth have been asked to stay clear of high congestion areas and avoid driving in sensitive regions this summer so as to properly welcome the interplanetary tourists, who spend an estimated 4 billion dollars each summer in Colorado alone. A spokesman for the Department of Homeland Scrutiny said that although most of these visitors resent having to remove their shoes at security gates all is going well.

“We’ve had a few confrontations with a few drunken Klingons on their way to Mexico but for the most part everyone has been quite cooperative,” said the travel industry spokesperson. “All those scary movies about the invasion and subjugation of earth by outside forces with lasers and rocket ships seems to be on the back burner these days. Body snatching and biological experiments have been replaced with tour buses and souvenir hunters. We expect that most earthlings will welcome this new breed of tourist even though they do look pretty funny in Bermudas and knee socks.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

     Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

     First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him. It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

     There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

     From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

     Some insects, like flies give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

     In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient must insects leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet. 

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: “Accelerated growth in spring –

watching them die in the fall.” Don’t miss it!

IN A NUTSHELL:

Humans are methodically attempting to get rid of us. Millions are spent on research (see above), chemical weapons and repellents. Attention to detail and familiarity with the tools of thine enemy can make all the difference this summer. 

GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT

(Gunnison) prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.

      The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of  perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.

     The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward  the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi Sector. 

     In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who once raised giant shrimp near Parlin.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

“Good Lord! I almost slept through cocktail hour.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe, on the pros and cons of the daily siesta in South America

Talking Baseball in Ecuador

   Nobody gives a damn about baseball in Ecuador unless you are eating lunch at Café Hatuey.

     A small marble staircase divided the plaza from the upstairs Cuban restaurant with its shady balcony and high ceiling fans. It was a perfect redoubt for a dining-alone gringo wandering the colonial streets. One could watch the entire plaza from up here.

     The black bean soup experience would have been sufficient invitation.

     The waiter, a handsome Cuban of 24 years, brought me a Havana Club and a menu. I asked for his recommendation. He nodded. There was a soccer game on the television. I asked him who was ahead.

     “I don’t know,” he flinched. “I’m a baseball fan and it’s Opening Day up in America. Is that where you live?”

     I told him that I lived in Western Colorado and that despite the six-hour drive I made it to several Rockies’ games over the course of the season.

     “The Rockies, huh?” he said. “A streaky team, prone to injuries with questionable relief pitching and a strong fan base.”

     “You’ve done your homework,” I acknowledged, apologizing for my limited baseball jargon in Spanish.

     “Then let’s speak English,” he snapped saying he had learned my language from his old baseball coach named Adolfo Luque, who had enjoyed a brief career in the Big Leagues prior to the Revolution.

     “The food came out and we shared a feast of past Cuban players who had excelled it to the Majors. Tony Taylor, Luis Tiant, Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro accompanied my Fabada Asturiana (beef and bean stew), three tamales, a cup of black bean soup, plantains and fried yucca. Then he brought rhubarb pie and asked why a heated argument on the baseball field was called a rhubarb? 

     “I think it’s something like a catbird seat or the bull pen,” I said. “Most of those terms came straight from the lips of tobacco chewing bench jockeys waiting around for the next pitch. After a few seasons these words became the jargon on the diamond.”

     He said one of the cooks had met Hank Aaron in Miami after the Braves’ slugger had broken Ruth’s home run record. 

    “All three of the cooks are baseball fans. Come and meet them!”

     We walked into the kitchen and returned to speaking Spanish. I told the first cook that I too had met Aaron and that I had his autograph on the same score card with the signature of Pete Rose and Tony Perez.

     “Perez was a great one,” offered the second cook who was patiently monitoring the progress of a large pot of pintos. “He was one of the great players to escape Cuba after Castro. “He came to the United States along with Tony Oliva, Camilo Pacscual and Bert Campaneris. The Cuban government was not happy about this heralded exit from its socialist paradise.”

     “Castro was quite a pitcher too,” offered the third cook who wore a Yankees’ hat atop his baldhead. I saw him play in Santiago de Cuba while on the Las Barbas team where all the players wore a beard. He might have played pro ball except for politics. The Cleveland Indians were after him in the Fifties. He could hit too.”

     But what about Minnie Minoso?” chided the waiter. “How can we talk Cuban baseball players and not mention Minnie?”

     “And Sandy Amoros and Tito Fuentes and Cookie Rojas!” yelled the bean watcher from the corner of the kitchen.

     “What about Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, and Orlando Pena,” chimed another cook.

     “Don’t forget Leo Cardenas,” I said and the kitchen went silent.

     “Wow,” said the waiter. You do know your baseball.”

     “I grew up in Southern Ohio” I admitted, “and Cardenas played shortstop for the Reds for fifteen years.”

     Now that I had the floor, I asked them if they thought Fidel Castro would have been a better baseball player than a President.

     They all laughed, 

     “Fidel is Fidel,” one said. “The United States is the United States. Castro is eating well even if the rest of us on the island are not. So much for punishing the Communist Party with the Great Cuban Embargo.”

     All of the cooks had family back in Cuba and they missed them very much but opportunity was better in Ecuador.

     “If you didn’t go along with party ideas there was no future in Cuba,” frowned one.

     “My daughter is a doctor in Havana and barely makes enough to survive, said another.

     “My son is twelve,” offered the waiter. “He’s the best hitter ever to come out of Trinidad (Cuba). I hope some day that he can come to the United States and play for the New York Yankees. He stands proud at the plate and waits for that big, fat pitch.”

     Everyone smiled and nodded in agreement.

     The restaurant was filling up. The owner stuck his head in the kitchen and frowned at his employees then smiled at me since I was spending money. I returned to my table. The lights are coming on in the plaza.

– Melvin B. Toole

China to send aid to Puerto Rico

(San Juan) In what leaders in the US are calling “provocative action” the People’s Republic of China has pledged to send disaster relief to the island of Puerto Rico, an unincorporated territory of the United States.

Despite the saber rattling in Washington, China is stockpiling food, water and computer parts destined for the weather-riddled Caribbean colony that has received little or no “up north” help since the days of Donald Trump and Hurricane Nicole.

“We see an opportunity to extend our influence in the Caribbean,” said a Chinese news release, “and are responding to our humanitarian sense of justice. The United States has dropped the ball and we are simply kicking it onto the beach again.”

It was not clear if the gesture would provoke positive response on the part of the US or if an ongoing global feud would once again leave the needs of the populace in the dust.

Meanwhile locals say that any help would be appreciated and hoped for egg roles and installation instructions in Spanish, the common language on the island. 

“We remind China of the protectorate it never has had,” said one victim of tropical storms who has yet to receive a thatched roof that was promised back in 2021. “My name is Monroe and my doctrine is a simple one: Talk is cheap. Building supplies are not,” he said.

-Pepper Salte

“…Report us fairly

how we slaughter

for the common good”

–Seamus Heaney in “Kinship”

RV Zombie Zone Designated

Enjoy a drive over Red Mountain Pass before the tourists show up in their little dogs and RVs. Always remember: June through August is tourist zombie season and must be considered every time you make a road trip. Here we see a stretch of Ruby Wall in 1962 when the world was quite different.