All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Ermitaños acogerán feria artesanal
(Montrose) Los ermitaños locales presentarán la primera muestra de artes y artesanías posterior a las fiestas en Friendship Hall en enero. El evento de dos días se llevará a cabo el segundo lunes y martes del mes, ya que la mayoría de la gente está trabajando esos días. Además, se espera que la decisión de celebrar las festividades en horarios no tradicionales reduzca la participación.
La feria contará con una variedad de artes y artesanías realizadas por ermitaños locales. La mayor parte de los productos se exhibirán en habitaciones oscuras, puestos polvorientos y unidades de almacenamiento abarrotadas con el objetivo de llamar la menor atención. A menudo, si un comprador interesado llega a uno de los quioscos disfrazados o a los bazares disfrazados, no habrá nadie disponible para realizar la venta o aceptar su dinero.
“Creemos que la idea es sólida a menos que le guste mucho tráfico”, dijo un ermitaño. “Una persona puede ser artista sin abrazar a sus semejantes”.
Los ermitaños dejaron claro que si nadie se presentaba, en 2020 celebrarían una exposición aún más grande y ampliada.
– Onda de Winkle
Boogeyman Gets Chair
(Wimpton) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.
He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 38 years of publication.
Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.
Survived by close associates Ms Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!
Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.
Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday. His enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”
Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2022.
– Bunny Trimble
Turkey Lottery Cruel?
(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery for next Thanksgiving has played to mixed reaction here and in other rural communities across the country.
Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.
Here’s how it works: The birds will be assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.
“It’s as fair as anything else,” said Dag Katz, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned can get their lives in order before November and the saved can go on with their lives without fear of a swan song with mashed potatoes and cranberries.”
Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.
“What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said Toole
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Many pets still without on-line service, email
(Gunnison) Despite the promises by elected officials and bureaucrats waiting for payday, a majority of pets in the United States remain computer challenged, illiterate within the Internet spectrum and completely locked out of the social media.
The travesty grows. 94% pets responding to a simple questionnaire say they have been ignored by the high tech junkies and purposely excluded from electronic communication on the grounds that they are stupid or that they cannot type or spell worth a lick.
“Should minor pitfalls prevent an intelligent dog or cat from embracing progress or function effectively in the modern world?” asked one former lion tamer turned dog walker here. Societies that bar access to beings that they consider to be a liability are always burned by the arrogance, crippled by the resentment.”
If it wasn’t already bad enough. The public schools are holding tanks for most, billionaires run the country and there are poor people wandering around Wall Street. Keeping this segment of the population in the dark will not provide for a better life on the Internet. It will not help to control spam or junk mail. It will simply discriminate against four-legged creatures, many of who would like to join the 21st Century before it’s too late.
– Rufus Maxwell
EX-Mag Castoff throws hat into Commissar Race
The Neanderthal Party appears primed to run a Trump castoff for Commissioner. Sandy Knotty-Pine, a Log Hill fumigator, was reportedly passed up by in 2016 and he entertains a grudge against everyone in the system.
Good looks may win elections and the Neanderthals were seen as an attractive, if extinct race! Pine stands for survival skills that may be compulsory in the eternal effort to take one’s careful next breath in the dark.
She plans to choose a local fence post as her running mate so as not to confuse her likely constituency.
— Dolores Alegria
GAZA-Apres Armagedden
Photo from New York Times
