All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

(Brought to you by O’Hara’s Hoof and Mouth Cream and Cosmetic Branding Enhancers. Always Remember: If it isn’t O’Hara’s

–it isn’t O’Hara’s. Available wherever good cows graze.)

The scene: A tree house in equatorial Africa

Tarzan: Why Tarzan no have last name?

Jane: Because you were raised by apes, dear, and none of them have last names.

Tarzan: Tarzan have tree house worth millions but no last name. Maybe Tarzan buy last name.

Jane: Now darling let’s be thankful for what we have. Just three months ago we built this tree house out of cardboard and tin and now it’s worth a fortune. Who would ever have guessed that the Djiboutis would have put in a ski area. I recall that only last year Chief Kingfish was afraid of front-end loaders and thought cranes were the work of the white devils. Now they’ve even got hotels with snotty staffs and a one-way gondola to the Fountain Village.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like gondola. Prefer swinging through trees.

Jane: So when do we close on the tree house? I can’t wait to buy some new clothes and take you to London.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like clothes. Not need shirt in jungle. Tarzan not have last name. Bank say have to have last name to open account, cash checks, build spec houses.

Jane: Isn’t it wonderful! All we did was hang out in our tree house for a few months and now we’re rich. I had no idea you were such an astute businessman, dear.

Tarzan: Tarzan pay attention but still no have last name. Even Cheetah have last name. Tarzan saw it on credit cards.

Jane: Cheetah has credit cards?

Tarzan: Monkey have cards and cell phone too. Why Tarzan not have credit card?

Jane: What does Cheetah buy?

Tarzan: Lot of bananas.

Jane: And who, dare say, does she call on the cell phone?

Tarzan: Other monkeys with cell phones and credit cards. Cheetah broker. Monkey plans to knock down jungle and build custom homes for rich people from the city. Cheetah say rain forest overrated, not need all these trees.

Jane: But if they knock down all the trees where will the monkeys and birds reside?

Tarzan: Affordable housing has been discussed, Jane.

THE END

TIPS FROM MR FIX IT

Today’s premier race features Proud Philistine against a newcomer Sarah’s Charm. We’d go with the older horse since some friends have had a chat with Sarah’s jockey and he agreed that his family would be far safer if he came in third. Later in the afternoon the daily double features Amalgamated Princess in the Fifth and Sorrow Jumper in the final race. Bet these two heavy since our sources confirm easy access to the east gate stalls and a lack of security in the early morning hours prior to the first race.

     The question on the racing forms has been whether or not Galloping Goose will handle the extra pressure created by the return of Dove Extravaganza and his popular jockey Elmer Wadd. Let’s keep it clean here. We spoke to Elmer and he says Dove may take a fall in the stretch. He concluded that his chain of Chinese laundries would be far more secure if he got out of racing altogether prior to the spring card. Season record 115- 3. See ya round the winner’s circle!

“Colorado casinos offering counseling on gambling addictions are akin to a hooker on East Colfax offering advice on the techniques of celibacy.   – Phillip Lassio

 

Back in the USA

Buscando a Dios en todos los lugares equivocados

Senors y senoras:

Cuál es el número de Dios?

El Ser Supremo finalmente tiene teléfono celular?

Alguien por ahí tiene el nuevo número?

Pistacho Pete, Limbo

 

Estimado Pistachio Pete:

Sí, pero en este momento Dios no lo ha dado.

Para darle un toque local a la eterna pregunta:

(Montrose) El guerrero espiritual, el reverendo Phil Pharisee del Templo del Amor, de Ensimismamiento y Asimilación Sacrificial, abordará la pregunta penetrante: ¿Tiene Dios un teléfono celular? el viernes por la noche en el Armageddon Bingo Hall en East Main. El aparcamiento es gratuito y se servirán embutidos. Trae un pescado tapado y whiskey por los pobres.

Looking for God in all the wrong places

To the editor:

Does anyone out there have God’s phone number?

Does The Supreme Being finally have a cell phone?

Does anyone out there have the new number?

I really need to talk to him pronto.

Pistachio Pete, General Delivery, Limbo

No and yes but at this time God ain’t given’ it out.

And for a local Local Twist on the eternal question:

Pharisee to speak

(Montrose) Highly regarded spiritual war monger, the Rev. Phil Pharisee of the Love Temple of Self-Absorption and Sacrificial Assimilation will address the piercing question: Does God Have a Cell Phone? on Friday night at the Armageddon Bingo Hall on East Main. Parking is free and cold cuts will be served. Bring a covered fish.

“There are no windows in tipis.”   – Captain Jack, Ute Chief

Ain’t Gonna Work On Maggie’s Farm No More

“Welcome to Zimmerman’s,” he bellowed. “We have a full line of furniture for your home or office. This month’s specials include sofas and dining room sets. Now through Tuesday if you buy an oak desk we’ll throw in the matching credenza for half price. But enough about that for now. Where are you from?”

     “We’re from over in Duluth,” he responded. “My name is Joey and my wife is Johanna.”

     Well then, welcome to Hibbing. Why not wander around and look at our showroom and if you have questions my son Harold will be only too happy to help you. Harold has decided to take over the family business instead of going to New York to write poetry. His mother and I are quite proud of him. Harold?            

     “Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?”

     “I’ve walked and I’ve crawled on six crooked highways,” said Harold.

     “Yeah, it’s quite a ways from Duluth,” answered Joey.

     OK, I’ll leave you in the capable hands of my son,” said the father.

     “I’ll know my song before I start singin’,” said Harold.

     “We’re looking for a bedroom set but I just can’t make up my mind between redwood and mahogany. Do you have time to show us some?”

      “I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.”

     “There’s so much to choose from…I’ll never decide…”

     “Just like a woman with her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls.”

     “I beg your pardon, young man.”

     “Her passport shows a face from another time and place.”

     “What?”

     “I have something made of silver or of golden, either from the mountains of Madrid, or the coast of Barcelona.”

     “We’re looking for something made here in Minnesota.”

     “I know that you’re dissatisfied with your position and your place. Don’t you understand it’s not my problem.”

     “Wait a minute. We came all the way from Duluth to look at furniture not to be insulted. People on the Iron Range don’t talk like that.”

     “No reason to get exited. There are many here among us that think that life is but a joke.”

     “Would you show us something in pine. Something in a neutral color?”

     “Tangled up in blue?”

     “Yes, the carpet is blue. Can we look in the warehouse too?”

     “Go lightly from the ledge, babe. Go lightly on the ground.”

     “Excuse me! My wife is not accustomed to be called “babe”. She’s been through a lot trying to redecorate our home and…”

     “Seems like every time you turn around there’s another hard luck story that you’re gonna hear.”

     “What? Enough of this nonsense. Don’t you have any answers? We’re going out to the warehouse…”

     “In the jingle, jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.”

     “These end tables are nice. How much for the sofa?”

     “Your sister sees the furniture like your mamma and yourself.”

     “This stuff is nice but I rather liked the bed in the window.”

     “Oh, oh, we gonna fly down in the easy chair.”

     “But we’re not in the market for an easy chair. We told you we’re looking for…”

     “Lay Lady Lay. Lay across my big brass bed.”

     Now see here young man. Mind your manners. My husband won’t put up with any more shenanigans.”

     “But tonight I’ll be staying here with you.”

     “In your dreams! That’s enough. We’re going back to Duluth where people have some respect.”

     “There’s nothin’ you wish to be ownin’?”

     “Don’t get pushy. You act as if you were the only furniture store between here and Fargo. We can’t make up our minds right now.”

     “Don’t think twice, it’s all right.”

     “Well that’s better. Thanks for your input. We may be back and when we do we’ll ask to speak to a more knowledgeable clerk. Good-bye.”

     “You just kinda wasted my precious time.”

     “Well, Harold how do it go?” asked  the father.

     “He wants eleven dollar bills and you only got ten.”

     “That’s OK you can’t make every sale. Tomorrow will be better.”

     “None of them along the line know what any of it is worth.”

     “You said it, son.”

     “I can’t stay in here. Ain’t it clear…”