All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
6:15 am Big Mouth News Hourly Update
Developing story regarding the well-loved Ronald Reagan airport statue at DCA in Washington: Our clandestine operators and mindless news and aluminum collectors report that it is still there this morning. Thieves took the sacred piece hostage last weekend demanding millions in ransom, only to return it when no offers reached the table. The effigy was then timorously restored to its rightful resting place, greeting air travelers at DCA.
The red, yellow and green statue of Bob Marley that meritoriously filled in during Reagan’s short absence, has been sentenced to mothballs for the present. Readers may recall that the airport was first named Bob Marley International Airport during the Carter Presidency then changed to Ronald Reagan although most Washington insiders refer to the facility as Nancy Reagan International, knowing full well who wore the pants in that family.
-Neville Hoser III
Yule Jewel Astrograph
Mañana, Colorado Yuletide Crier and Whiner
DEC 25, 2023
(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations. Go ahead now and open your presents…)
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are strictly summer concoctions and should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Learn to juggle ideologies and balance a friend’s mindless opinions on the end of your nose.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Peace on Earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Cows in the corn.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Parma, Ohio tonight.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Does a fish need a bicycle? Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: Two drinks is plenty
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. Lines are usually short and there’s nobody out jogging at three in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Tonight: Spend quality time with a social parasite.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your good humor and charisma are getting tedious for others. Try the scrooge approach. That way people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas.You will perform best today by staying out off stage. Buying people off could be better than putting them on. An old lover will hit you with a wrought iron cane or bamboo rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of oatmeal. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along your pacemaker. Confusion reigns. Don’t forget your umbrella. Tonight: Academic strolls down primrose lane.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Dreams of travel should not be chronicled while sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Tonight: Keep eating fruitcake.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy, early morning trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of Vallenato music.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for fireworks on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and Christmas cards altogether. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A persistent old fish has his fins on you.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 25-yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, punting too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. Tonight: Drinking to excess has worked for some.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that brand new Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life there are body guards. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilette paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle while you still can whittle. Tonight: Swoon.
Ermitaños acogerán feria artesanal
(Montrose) Los ermitaños locales presentarán la primera muestra de artes y artesanías posterior a las fiestas en Friendship Hall en enero. El evento de dos días se llevará a cabo el segundo lunes y martes del mes, ya que la mayoría de la gente está trabajando esos días. Además, se espera que la decisión de celebrar las festividades en horarios no tradicionales reduzca la participación.
La feria contará con una variedad de artes y artesanías realizadas por ermitaños locales. La mayor parte de los productos se exhibirán en habitaciones oscuras, puestos polvorientos y unidades de almacenamiento abarrotadas con el objetivo de llamar la menor atención. A menudo, si un comprador interesado llega a uno de los quioscos disfrazados o a los bazares disfrazados, no habrá nadie disponible para realizar la venta o aceptar su dinero.
“Creemos que la idea es sólida a menos que le guste mucho tráfico”, dijo un ermitaño. “Una persona puede ser artista sin abrazar a sus semejantes”.
Los ermitaños dejaron claro que si nadie se presentaba, en 2020 celebrarían una exposición aún más grande y ampliada.
– Onda de Winkle
Boogeyman Gets Chair
(Wimpton) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.
He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 38 years of publication.
Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.
Survived by close associates Ms Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!
Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.
Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday. His enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”
Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2022.
– Bunny Trimble
Turkey Lottery Cruel?
(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery for next Thanksgiving has played to mixed reaction here and in other rural communities across the country.
Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.
Here’s how it works: The birds will be assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.
“It’s as fair as anything else,” said Dag Katz, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned can get their lives in order before November and the saved can go on with their lives without fear of a swan song with mashed potatoes and cranberries.”
Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.
“What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said Toole
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Many pets still without on-line service, email
(Gunnison) Despite the promises by elected officials and bureaucrats waiting for payday, a majority of pets in the United States remain computer challenged, illiterate within the Internet spectrum and completely locked out of the social media.
The travesty grows. 94% pets responding to a simple questionnaire say they have been ignored by the high tech junkies and purposely excluded from electronic communication on the grounds that they are stupid or that they cannot type or spell worth a lick.
“Should minor pitfalls prevent an intelligent dog or cat from embracing progress or function effectively in the modern world?” asked one former lion tamer turned dog walker here. Societies that bar access to beings that they consider to be a liability are always burned by the arrogance, crippled by the resentment.”
If it wasn’t already bad enough. The public schools are holding tanks for most, billionaires run the country and there are poor people wandering around Wall Street. Keeping this segment of the population in the dark will not provide for a better life on the Internet. It will not help to control spam or junk mail. It will simply discriminate against four-legged creatures, many of who would like to join the 21st Century before it’s too late.
– Rufus Maxwell
