All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
COMMUTER RACE RESULTS
San Miguel to Montrose County
Hwy 145 to Hwy 62 to Hwy 550 Telluride – Montrose
Early heat (weather dependent) 4 pm
Approx 5:30 pm start weekdays
5 pm heat. Team Bud Lite 1:39. Team Coors 1:50.
6 pm heat. Team Modelo Highway 145 to 550
Liquor stop
Team Head-on. Hwy 62
Team crash dummies. Hwy 62 to Hwy 50
Team felon. Highway Sawpit to Hwy 50
Liquor stop.
Team Lackinsurance Hwy 550 to 50
Sat and Sun No matches scheduled
All report arriving in Olathe 2 minutes faster while risking lives in
mindless pursuit of tribal chariotism.
Where are the cops? A few busts and it all ends.
Horseshoe Pleads Insanity — Beats Parking Ticket
(Crested Butte) General Kashmir Horseshoe, 149, was absolved of all wrongdoing in municipal traffic quart here this morning. He had plead not guilty by reason of insanity to charges that he had illegally parked his fire-engine red 1938 Packard on Sopris Avenue some three weeks prior.
A twenty-five dollar parking ticket plus towing charges were dismissed.
Acting as his own attorney, Horseshoe claimed that he was not fluent in foreign languages and therefore could not be held responsible for breaking the law as spelled out through a series of confusing road signs. He offered to show conclusive proof that he was clinically insane and began throwing himself around the quartroom, drooling, babbling incoherently, his eyes rolling around in the back of his head, a faraway mirk stretched across his saggy mug.
Then, after being restrained by the flirtatious bailiff, Horseshoe claimed that he was tone deaf, legally blind, psychotic, gun-shy and stupid. He added that he suffered severe seizures, on the half-hour, brought on by chronic gout and rum. He then explained the details of the evening in question and told the judge that a fine of that amount represented cruel and unusual punishment.
At that point, he proceeded to produce a well-worn, beaded wallet void of any funds. On the wallet was stitched St. Louis World’s Fair. The only thing in the crude purse was a piece of ancient lint-covered chewing gum, which he offered to the judge to take home for her children.
In Our Opinion: Dressed in a pink terrycloth bathrobe, a Union saber and unlaced Sorrels, if he was guilty of anything or any charges it was overacting.
“I find the defendant not guilty,” hollered the judge. “Now clear the quart before I change my mind and throw everyone in jail!”
Upon exiting the quartroom Horseshoe tripped on an AK-47 casing discarded on a flight of stairs and fell violently to the ground spraining his tongue and knocking his left eyelid out of kilter. He plans to sue the gov’ment for damages.
-Thumbellina Etchabarron
Sociable Services weighs Rockies’ impact on children
(Blake Street and Beyond) Some children as young as 5 are subjected to summer keystone barbarism say a host of academia’s and case workers here. Most do not have a choice, much less a clue, as to the behavior of the bush-league bozo Greeley meat people who show no signs of selling the lucrative franchise.
These meatheads are defrauding and defacing the national sport, a felony that lingers and festers on the warning track.
The performance of the baseball franchise sends a dangerous message to kids: It’s OK to perform poorly, with no heart and soul just so long as the money keeps rolling in. Children need heroes and the meat people let All-Star infields walk in favor of profit. This is not some hedge fund. This is baseball and baseball is sacred, especially to little tykes, who fall asleep with their gloves tuckled under the covers.
The only way to change that is through strict boycott of attendance and especially the purchase of clothing and other Rockies-related souvenirs. STOP SUPPORT! When the money train can no longer rach the station they will sell the franchise.
Here’’s more:
1. Often children, traumatized by the late innings cry themselves to sleep grind their teeth during the night . Endangerment of children is often the result when endearing turns to enduring. Exposure to extra innings continues to perplex doctors and dentists.
2. Children could be removed from the domicile in extreme cases such as double-headers and blind reliance on relief pitching. One Rox fan was recently acquitted but not before the judge issued a stern warning. “Maybe the Orioles or the Dodgers…?
3. Cases of kids that get lost in to the bureaucracy might have to wait until Bronco season concludes to be further evaluated.
“Fortunately, and to the great relief of sports sociologists, football teams only play once a week but the impact can also be long lasting and sometimes detrimental to future development,” explained one human behavior expert. “Baseball, like basketball and hockey presents so many games that it is difficult to measure the damage until the late innings when the clown show falls apart,
– Gabby Haze
A HIKER’S GUIDE TO HIKERS
with Melvin O’Toole
One of the most dangerous threats to hikers on our mountain trails is other hikers. From National Forest to State Park, from Wilderness Area to mountain peak, growing numbers of hiking and backpacking enthusiasts are creating perilous conditions for themselves, for you and for posterity.
In a natural outdoor situation it is essential to identify various types of hikers, so that you might better understand how to interact with them, or get away from them altogether. Avoidance of certain species of incompatible hikers (called trekkers in more anal circles) may save your life or save you from an afternoon of unremitting anguish.
Learn to spot all kinds of hikers from a safe distance, identify them with rapid-fire accuracy, and be prepared to take evasive action to avoid detection and/or direct contact, “No I don’t want a drink of tepid creek water from your saliva-caked water bottle. I have my own cold water from town, sans parasites, safe here in my designer bottle.”
Here are some of the more common categories of hikers. The well-rounded woodsman will be quick to assimilate these classifications into a early warning system of his or her own:
The Elegant Hiker
Able to negotiate steep, winding San Juan switchbacks in high heels and a cute tennis skirt the female looks good on short hikes but the make-up fails on the longer jaunts. Characteristic markings: jewelry glittering from the fingers, earlobes and neck along with the perfect unruffled hairstyle are sure to attract predators such as mountain lions and even bandits.
In some cases the male dons priceless treasures too since he is concerned with plumage and first impressions in the woods. Both ascend and descend the trails like ballrooms, as if they were negotiating a grand staircase in a Yvonne de Carlo film from the 40s. (Apparently Rhett they do give a damn). Head held up high in designer boots, they fail to study the path before them for all kinds of debris both dangerous and simply annoying. These are the kind of people who are appalled by a pile of elk shit but aren’t the least bit offended by miles of parking lot asphalt poured over former pasture, at their local shopping center.
NOTE: The Elegant Hiker NEVER ever perspires. In a hiking costume that costs more than a used car, they keep up if it’s not too steep and breathe deep if it’s not too high. Mountain Goats and Bighorn Sheep are safe when one of these comes gingerly up the trail. Bears love the cheap jewelry. These hikers are likely to invite you to party at their loft and often carry credit cards on their hikes.
The Slob Hiker
The perfect antidote, or anecdote, to the Elegant Hiker. The Slob Hiker is perpetually unshaven, grimy, uncombed and in need of a shower. He or she thinks bad hygiene is compatible with the forest. His gait is heavy, a stomping, assertive, destructive stride patterned after Godzilla or an oil exploration crew. He appears to have just awakened from a long hibernation and smells the part. Trailside wild flowers are often his first victims.
White t-shirt and canvas shorts are tinged gray with wear and age. Grease-stained handprints are clearly detected. This type of forest visitor can be identified by a strange call, a hoarse bellowing that sounds tragically like a badger in heat, which could lead to countless tribulations as the hike goes on. He loves to chatter to himself on the trail breaking serenity for others while he points out painfully obvious points of interest.
“Look! A pine tree!” or “Look… A rock!” He pees everywhere. This hiker is loaded with spittle which is discharged constantly, leaving signs of his presence embraced by pack rats and deer flies. The Slob Hiker is happy to take your picture or pose for one. Watch your camera.
The Survivalist Hiker
This one would never think of breaking trail without an assault rifle or at least a pistol holstered to the side. High caliber is the key here…not his person but his weaponry. His pack is full of ammo and he has a K-ration granola bar hidden away in case of emergency. He carries a knife or bayonet for potential hand-to-hand combat with aggressive alpine creatures or topographic terrorists.
Difficult to detect due to a barrage of camouflage that blends well in any environment – be it the Iraq desert, the Congo rain forest, the Rockies or the chic El Lay hip-hop disco, this person carries enough to win whatever competition he has imagined. He has provisions and supplies enough to feed a small militia along with buried emergency rations and backup gear to keep him comfy in the forest for about three years. Then there is the cyanide pill in case he or she is captured.
Away from his bunker he is often anxious and clearly nervous when approached. He can be unpredictable and downright ugly when it comes to right-of-way on the trail and electric storms on the ridges. Paranoid people like this should not go into the woods. They should stay home in the cities and suburbs where the secret police can monitor their daily activity.
The Name Brand Hiker
Easily recognized due to his or her resemblance to a pretty LL Bean or Eddie Bauer model from the respective catalogues, the Name Brand hiker should not be confused with the Elegant Hiker although the species share many irritating, albeit common traits. The manufacturers label is always proudly displayed on clothing, footwear, gear, hats and even socks. A T-shirt proclaiming Old Navy, Nike or GAP completes the outfit.
Rarely seen on the actual trail, this hiker prefers to stay home, read shallow outdoor magazines and shop on the internet. Name Brand hikers also exhibit the best smiles, the best tan, the best canteens, the best dogs and the best cars to take them to the trailhead. Their Day-Glo packs are crammed full of unnecessary but tasteful accessories along with clothing options for any change of weather.
These mountainy strollers can be easily identified by two unmistakeable traits: They are the only ones wearing fanny packs (apparently nobody has let them in on the joke) and they actually consume boring handfuls of trail mix, chocked full of nuts, seeds, roots, bark, herbs and dried fruit that even the local squirrels and trail chipmunks won’t eat. Some of these folks are marginally valuable, more informed than experienced in that they have read the guidebooks and perused local topo maps.
The Back-woodsy Hiker
Aka: The Ascender, this hearty breed not only tackles the most challenging, death-defying trails and summits but does so with a minimalist demeanor. He or she can spend up to a week in the wild with just a bottle of water, a toothbrush and some crackerjacks. He climbs in flip-flops or barefoot, running circles around the hiker that just spent $300 on some glorified flatland Chinese footwear, made for the mountains.
He could repel off a sharp cliff in Kansas or stare down a Grizzly on Bienville Street.
He welcomes the feel of rocks, pine needles and horse manure on the trail. When he wears a shirt it is a bit of tattered memorabilia from some masochistic triathlon in Leadville or Maui.
If he wears trousers, they are of the cut-off variety with lots of room to hang loose. Not to be confined by packed gear he or she relies solely on wits, finesse and luck. For the evenings this backwoods species carries a Swiss Army knife, a pair of backup thongs, a few waterproof matches and a bota bag filled with homemade wine.
He can then subsist on the trail mix and water all day then let it all hang out in camp by adding wine to the fare. With this beverage he can survive another few days, with no serious after-effects, when the crackerjacks and toothpaste run out.
Helpful in a tight spot but likely to leave you behind. Always has the answer, or at least a light.
Churches, Liquor Stores Competing for Salvation
(Manapew) Local churches and liquor stores remain neck-in-neck when it comes to implied comforts and financial profits in the salvation business. Although the economic horizon remains clouded, profits are up for both parties who offer distinctly different paths toward eternal peace.
According to the most recent figures, people here in the big ol’ buckle of the Bible Belt are still spending more money in the church pews than in the liquor aisles, but only slightly. With the summer raging on, a shift toward what sociologists call creeping recreational thirst may have a major impact on seasonal statistics. Whether these otherwise right field stats are hinged to morality or simply a matter of convenience no one knows.
A large control group, comprised of boozers in the pews, has yet to be introduced into the equation, making most conclusions irrelevant anyway.
Sources in the liquor industry as well as those affiliated with the temples of good news refused comment when tallied. Pagan groups have yet to return our surveys.
“Data is streaming out the window and head counts replace science,” explained one surly bean counter from her cubicle Thursday. Get everyone whatever they are drinking and let’s get down to some good ol’ preachin’.”
Social scientists contend that human nature can be chronicled through good and bad times by daily activity that seeks release and meaning. They add that providing simple answers to the eternal questions regarding metaphysics and sobriety are often enough to herd frightened people into camps that offer temporary relief from life’s stressful moments.
Many say that a combination of philosophies might do the trick while others see the two roads as highly incompatible.
“Often the guilt associated with organized religion propels the sinner toward the sin,” said another controversial study. “Too much Coors Lite and too much Jesus generally set the stage for disaster.”
“Moderation is the key,” say the experts. “The problem is that most of us can’t even find the door.”
-Alfalfa Romero
“Give us all a short, tall one.”
– G. Roscoe Lovingood, No Delay Bar, Montrose, CO July, 1978.
Rent-to-own ad space
In a flippant, all but haphazard response to diminished incomes in the newspaper rank and file, sanjuanhorseshoe.com is now offering doddering clients something concrete, personal and innovative. Much like a time-share, this acquisition is smooth and secure with a healthy down payment. Combining data collected from the War on Terriers, Slugs and Communism the transaction takes just minutes Here’s how she works: A business purchases a week of ads at $200. It then receives 200 Boner Points toward the eventual purchase of the rectangular spot (mortgage marketing measure) on the semi-prestigious sanjuanhorseshoe.com website. Most spaces run between 75,000 and 800,000 Boner Points, an easily attainable status, usually taking less than a year, depending on purchases.
Instead of throwing good money to the wind, we now see those funds invested in empowerment, in communication, in ego, in fear… intangible ad spaces—a great investment! The advertiser is actually building equity while promoting his agenda. A boon against inflation!
All solar-powered ad spaces are now off the grid, powered by promises and off-shore windmills along the Colorado and Green Rivers. Organic refuge, long the fodder for editorials, is today composted somewhere in the West End in an attempt to placate the Uranium Gods of yesteryear. Everything is recycled and collected by maintenance crews responsible for cleaning and lawn work.
Whether or not advertisers could sell their time-shared spaces down the road, sub-lease the ad space, or transfer services in promotion of specific products has yet to be discussed. Questions as to the validity of ownership and the conceptual ramifications of these acquisitions were not undressed at any public meetings*.
Once the ad space is the property of the advertiser he can reshape it, remodel it or use it as a rooster cave or hen parlor. Heavily monitored by Doomsday Partners, the Land’s End Coalition and your local police academy, one software giant surmised that a success here could go a long way toward solving the housing crisis in the country, repair failing infrastructure and provide clean air and water for all. She did not elaborate.
– Uncle Pahgre
