Scribe poised to claim notch in Guinness Record Book

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and, racing across three backstreets, managed to deliver his chatty, oblong fare to her engagement without further incident.

He’s a rather amazing fellow,” said the Spanish Ambassador, who had forgotten to get dressed again and was forced from the seminar leaving his notes and plenty of giggles behind.

A young woman hails a New York cab on a warm St Patrick’s Day, 2023

As was previously stated, His Excellency’s prepared statements were earmarked to honor taxi driver, Melvin O”Toole, who at 117 years of age is perched to shatter a file cabinet of existing records dealing with “the elderly” operating motor vehicles in New York City. If he succeeds on any level he will be a no-brainer for the  Guinness Book of World Records.

Only four more blocks to go,” said longtime cabbie pal Everette “Fats” Whitewall, Toole’s stinkball foe for the last 70 years. “I knew him when he came in to the motor pool, a fresh-faced kid. Frankly not real bright. I didn’t think he’d make it through the first week.”

It’s simple: If the ancient hack can cruise four more New York City blocks before midnight tonight (or 2500 blocks by February 29) he will set the all-time record for distance driven by a cabbie over the age of 116. The bonus acknowledgments easily push him over the top, leaving little doubt who is in the driver’s seat. The Guinness distinction does not come with a cash prize. The almost famous cab driver is semi-destitute and hopes to cash in on endorsements as soon as he makes the cut.

The current fit accompli is only the latest feat attributed to this alpine Methuselah (originally from Colona) who was elected to the pages of Guinness in 1943 after he parachuted out of the same cargo plane fifteen times in one business day. He would have done more but he pulled a henway on the 16th jump and had to retire to a nearby tavern for the evening.

Later, in 1980 O’Toole balanced 72 canned hams on his head for ½ hour to set what the insiders say is, and will always be, an unattainable mark. Then in 2009 O’Toole shared sleeping space in a cave of black bear up Blaine Basin for three months, leaving only after a particularly violent argument over a tube of toothpaste. The old record was six minutes established by the ultra-combative Argentine jockey Manny de Mar near the abandoned Baldwin townsite in 1990.

-Pepper Salte