All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
STATE TO JERKY FALL COLORS
(Denver) In an attempt to stretch the dramatic fall colors far into November state officials have implemented a plan to jerky aspen, oak and cottonwood trees still in their splendid state. Already teams of botanists have been busy in an attempt to isolate and expedite the most effective formula for the approved extension.
“First we’ll focus on the aspens since they are far and above the most popular with autumn tourists,” said Fiona Woodcock who holds a third degree in Popular Venison Culture from Cal Amari. “The oak and cottonwood are far less fragile and we think we can jerky them later in the month and still come up with a hardy supply that may last through Thanksgiving.”
The process of jerking the fall colors involves a lengthy drying process that has been proven to extend the life of other entities such as wild game and the terms of Congressmen. Aspen leaves in particular conform to the rigid properties necessary for the purist, hardly prudent jerk thinking of the Third Enlightened Period.
“We have experimented with canning and applied freezing since the Sixties,” says Woodcock “What’s important is to harvest the chosen leaves and introduce them to our methods before the natural process takes hold. Rest assured that we have gone to great lengths to protect the birds and fury little animals who call the trees their homes. They have until tomorrow to evacuate.”
Even though leaves and most bark samples are void of nutrition many desperate people tend to eat them come February or March when other supplies have been exhausted. Unlike leaves from tree farms, where an assortment of fertilizer and additives are employed, these wild trees offer supplement-free leaves, roots and bark.
“Many mammals enjoy a diet comprised of mountain vegetation throughout the winter. We plan to test the jerky on herd animals, state prisoners and even fish before the snow falls,” said Woodcock. “We’ve already turned the bear on to the spicier blends and they liked it…of course they’ll eat anything that one leaves lying around.”
Residents and visitors are asked to stay clear of jerky operations until the end of the month when the Department of the Interior will join state agencies in presenting an open house to further explain their priorities. For a map of the more concentrated jerky operations contact the gov’ment agency of your choice.
– Small Mouth Bess
Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats
(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Lottery, she’s eating lobster and most of the local cats are rich.
That’s because she gave away all of her winnings to the kitties.
“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on cheap beer and Nascar.”
Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.
“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.
The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.
“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”
Excelsior Resumes Flights
(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.
Included on the daily flight schedule through hunting season are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm unless it rains).
The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron was temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the plane had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.
“The kids did a great job,” smiled Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and horseradish.”
– Pepper Salte
Dog Rental Biz Booming in Butte
from The Butte Beagle – June 25, 2012
by Estelle Marmotbreath
Everywhere one sees people walking dogs…All shapes and sizes of dogs…and not just in Totem Pole Park or Bad Dog Alley either but on patios and in alleyways up and down Elk Avenue. Sometimes it’s tough to tell who owns whom or better yet…why a canine companion is part of the welcome wagon disaster for refugees from the growing population, desperate to reconnect with nature while living in a remote alpine city
Renting a dog is easy and fun. A visitor to the town can hire an escort of sorts and better fit in to a place gone dog-happy decades ago. Today there are no less than seven dog rental agencies operating in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties and all are anticipating a strong fiscal showing in the second quarter.
“Small, happier dogs are the rage now and should finish well into the next two month span. Seasons change along with trends which go a long way toward dictating behavior on the street,” said Dag Katz, owner of pioneer Doggie No Bite Canine Rental, recognized as the father of the dog rental profession. “We offer all sorts of dogs since the weather up here is very kind to them. No fleas,” he said.
“Of course when winter returns we will be beset with requests for Huskies, Malamutes and a Saint Bernard or two…the usual large, snow maniac/fireplace decoration. We should be taking delivery on out winter line any day now,” he fretted. “I just hope they get the sizes and colors straight.”
The expenses mount up to include training, nurturing and grooming as well as feeding, shots, collars, dishes and kennels.
“A person can spend a fortune feeding dogs in the off-season,” but without a secure staff in place we cannot handle demand during the high visitor months. Our dogs are good,” he smiled.
After six weeks of stringent obedience school each of our canines earns an associate degree in hospitality studies. All have mastered hand gestures, travel in the rear of pickups, fetch, howling at the moon and sitting outside bars for hours waiting for the most important person on earth to emerge from his darkened hole.
Fees run from $200 per day for more exotic breeds while an average “townie” brings $45. All have grown up here under the harsh totalitarian leash laws, but otherwise stressless environs. Be advised: If you have your heart set on a Golden Retriever on a Saturday in the summer you had better book well in advance.
Most encounters are pleasant although Katz recalls an episode when a otherwise gentle male German Shepherd named Z-Max kept a family of 4 at bay in the entryway when it became clear that they had neglected to return from the restaurant with a treat bag for Z-Max.
“They could be there still for all we know,” laughed Katz. “Usually my dogs can sniff out a turkey in the beginning. Imagine the rudeness of returning empty-handed to the lair. I think Z-Max felt like a cheap whore.”
And now, right on the heels of advancements in dog hair repellent Katz has announced a new line of pooper bags that are purchased outright by the environmentally conscious consumer.
“They are made of strong, bio-degradable dog poop and no, we don’t want them returned to us,” said Katz, turning serious for a moment.
– Felix la Gnat
Strange monoliths continue to spring up
Monoliths like this one continue to show up all over the Rockies. The refined pillars of stone, or sometimes brick, arrive with no baggage or clear origin. NASA and more clandestine federal agencies have remained closed mouthed on the issue blaming incendiary artists, sculptural anarchists and hermits who live in caves for the odd, vertical monuments. Local residents are warned to check their yards and pastures for intrusions or suspicious behavior on the part of neighbors or livestock.
10 Commandments in the Vieux Carre
Hey der boo. Sure I lived near the Crescent City up river in Saint Charles Parish but I worked in the Quarter. Bartenders see everything—all that’s pretty and some what ain’tand miraculously I gained 23 pounds in six months in the process…living to eat rather than eating to live?
We had plenty of morality there, at least in the daytime, without posting it on the wall.
Today vote sucking charlatans like Governor Jeff Landry have created a controversy where one did not exist. Most Americans see these ancient Judea tablets as a clear and moral way to live. They hold their value. Jesus Christ had nothing to do with the issuance of the Ten Commandments, unless one wants to equate the two so as to convince the frightened and easily manipulated to put money in the collection basket or votes in a ballot box.
Most people who flap their lips about religion harbor something to hide. Yeah Boudreaux.
First, there are two books. The Old Testament and the New Testament. They are in severe conflict as to the right way to live. The Old Testament is not Christian. Jesus turned these 10 laws sideways substituting love for eye for an eye and the wrath of an angry god. His johnny-come-lately apostles concocted the newer hearsay version based on recollections aimed at controlling the human savages prevalent at the time: Don’t eat pork. You have no way of keeping it from rotting. It will kill you. You don’t even know how to keep ice.
Simultaneously, but please not too early in the morning, the Vieux Carre or French Quarter, wakes up to beignets and coffee with just enough chicory to give a legitimate wallop of confederate caffeine and sugar (read: suga). A cold Dixie won’t hurt you in the morning before a spicy treat of shrimp and boudin gumbo or crawfish etouffee heralds in a humid afternoon.
Quarter has its own rules, social order and etiquette…a moral code if you will that is as strict and all-encompassing as words on a tablet presented to Moses and maybe even Thor or Zeus. Just ax Abraham.
1. I am your choice of many gods and good conscience, who delivered you from Canal Street and the Irish Channel. Thou shall pass a good time while you are here.
2. Thou shalt not bend down and worship idols such as the Saints and the Tigers. Punishment for the sins of the parents will be handed down to third and fourth draft picks will be those who defy these laws. Generations will suffer the anger of a jealous god with forfeiture of recruits and donations from the well-heeled Tulane alumni over across Lake Pontchartrain.
3. Thou shalt not use vulgar language at Brennan’s, Antoines, Deanie’s, Molly’s on the Market, Pat O’Brien’s or the Napoleon House. Save your curses for Bienville and Basin Street and dark, unmarked alley bars on Frenchman Street (to the discretion of the bartender).
4. Remember where to get free drinks and food for happy hour. The seventh day is the official day of rest and must be kept moist. What you do with the other days is your own business: Makin’ groceries or Fais do-do. The earth was created in seven nights at 80-proof. Slidell wasn’t built in a day. Metairie took at least week.
5. Honor your Big Chief neighbor and his kick-boxing brother so that you may live long in the land of the Wild Tchoupitoulas. The Cities of the Dead have no vacancy. Burials below sea level make shark bait in the Gulf.
6. Thou shalt not swill (or spill). Eat mo’ betta! Try a vegan Po’ Boy.
7. Thou shalt act like an adult in coonass encounters unless you have a better idea or a big bucket of oysters to share.
8. Thou shall not deal. Remember that you are still in Louisiana and cannabis is illegal. Thou shalt not keel over, congeal (in the weather) or peel in public. (Mardis Gras excluded). Go cups are a nickel and always keep your money in your front pocket.
9. Thou shalt not give false testimony on such sacrosanct subjects as Marie Laveau, second-line, safe pirogue steering, Admiral Farragut, yard kids, chank-chank, Yankees in the wood pile or recipes for crawfish bisque.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wrought-iron balcony, male or female servant, his ox or donkey or his seat at the bar.
– Regala May a Dixie
“A bayou is just a swamp with a college education.” (with apologies to Mark Twain)
Tourists Warned of Dry Water This Summer
(Telluride) Visitors to Western Colorado are reminded that despite the comparatively low threat of forest fire this season that local water will remain dryer than normal. Although not particularly noticeable at first, tourists who repeatedly drink or bathe with it will begin to detect low moisture counts and may even encounter instant evaporation syndrome.
“No one is at risk,” said water wizard Syd Fahrdt, who has been catching rain illegally around these parts since 1912. “It’s not like the water will hurt you. It’s just that the water is chronically dry.”
Persons who insist on drinking bottled water should continue to do so while others, who bathe once a day, could notice slight skin irritation due to general dryness.
Although the water content of local water is stable at 100% and the stuff looks the same to the naked eye it will be months before researchers can determine any side effects associated with living on the planet.
“The streams and rivers here still support the same aquatic life as before and the toilets still flush on command,” said Fahrdt. “The fire department confirms a healthy success ratio putting out small blazes with the water too. In reality we don’t expect problems. It just that we have nothing else to do over here at the water works and we love to be quoted in the papers.”
Fahrdt concluded by saying there was no truth whatsoever in rumors that the dust, which often plagues the area in the summer, will be wetter than usual and that the sun will fall from the sky sometime in August.
– Small Mouth Bess
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.” – Katherine Hepburn
