All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Local Border Collie Bound for Cambridge

(Ridgway) A overachiever border collie named Rusty has been awarded the prestigious (Leonard) Campbell Fellowship for study at Cambridge University near London. The grant/scholarship pays for every facet of the canine’s education including housing, food and materials with a monthly stipend of $600 for travel on the European continent. He is also recipient of the Phi Dog Phi Award for academic excellence and the Pavlov Prize for athleticism.

Rusty’s field of study/expertise will be Psycho-Primal Anthropology with emphasis on The Human Food Chain.

Although exhibiting some mixed feelings about leaving his pastoral life on the Haywire Ranch at Cow Creek Rusty has readily accepted the offer to study abroad. He will finish the curriculum in three years and spend summers in Colorado. Upon graduation his options most likely run from a professorship to clinical research to herding livestock.

A film about his experience is in the works.

“He’s smarter than anyone in our family,” said Jed Pinwheel, Rusty’s sponsor and father figure. “That dog new how to count all of the chickens before and after they thought to hatch. His hunger for knowledge put him paws and tails above the rest of the cow dogs around here. He was focused. That boy was always focused.”

Rusty, a eunuch in his own right, is not the first four-legged creature to attend Cambridge. A common British house cat, named Criseyde, with an IQ off the charts studied here in the 60s only to withdraw from classes due to an unexpected pregnancy. She currently lives in Akron.

Meanwhile back at the ranch cowboys scurry to find a replacement for Rusty.

“It will take three dogs to do the work of this guy,” said Colona Slim, a 112-year-old wrangler who’s still in the saddle. “Just as soon as he got them sheep or cows in a circle he’d commence to sticking his nose into a book. Smart sombitch.”

A going away party has been scheduled for Tuesday on Ridgway Hill. No children or alcohol please

–Dag Katz

Western Slope Report

with Uncle Pahgre

Hispanics May Have Settled Southwest First

(Ridgway) Researchers here at the Cookie Tree Institute are suggesting that Latinos may have been the first Europeans to inhabit the Southwestern United States. They insist that mounds of discovered artifacts, language and cultural deposits and architectural styles common to the Iberian Peninsula present conspicuous evidence that the place was home to peoples from Mexico and Spain long before it was owned and operated by gringos and persons of  Northern European ancestry.

     The genetics of the locale point to a longstanding Hispanic population that arrived in the 1500s and fought with native groups already in residence. This historic contingency appears to be supported by the writings of the first mountain men, from east of the Mississippi who often intermarried and lived in pueblos like Taos and the missions of California.

     “What tipped the scales are the names of all the towns like Santa Fe, Chama, Del Norte and San Luis.” said one researcher. “We noticed a slew of these names on maps and confirmed them with on-site visits. Why would these towns be named this way if they were established by anyone else?”

     Whether or not this study will help to alleviate problems related to illegal aliens arriving here to work has yet to be determined but the term reverse manifest destiny has been introduced in whispered conversations as far east as Baltimore.

     Many current gringo residents have taken offense to the allegations saying that the data collected was one-sided and inappropriate.

     Take local pronunciation of Buena Vista  and Salida for instance,” said Earl Cowbutte, or Parlin. “Do these sound like Spanish names to you?”

     Reaction across the country was a mixture of anger and indifference.

     “Cut the bleeding heart crap and show me a deed,” said Cal Cajun, a developer in Albuquerque, who has built over 50 gated communities here since the 80s. “It’s all just talk without documentation.”

     Madeline Althare, a Congressperson from New York had another angle: “Who cares who lived there or lives there today. It’s all a bunch of cactus and rattlesnakes with abandoned cars and junk trailers all over. I saw it on Discovery or in the Times.

     Meanwhile the excavations go on and the ascertains grow stronger every day. Native American groups, offended that they were not introduced into the formula say they will boycott a coming vote that would give Arizona back to Mexico for cash and a player to be named later.

Liberals form gun club

(Gunnison) The Ted Kennedy Rifle Range opened its doors today as thousands of closet liberals flocked to the spot to scope in rifles and take target practice. Many long identified left-wingers have given their blessing to the creation of the facility due to what they see as a growing rift between the left and the right in this country.

     “The levels of intolerance are burgeoning what with hate talk radio and White House arrogance,” explained Adlai Leghorne, who donated the 5 acre property adjacent to the local identity theft impound lot east of town. “We just want to send a clear message that, if attacked, we are prepared to fight back.”

     The gun club consists of ½ mile of open field ranges, over 40 targets and a gun shop where members can purchase weapons and ammunition at discount prices. Perceived as a group that opposes the proliferation of firearms and the more peaceful, passive way, these liberals are spending money like nobody’s business, arming themselves to the teeth.

     “We are beginning to grasp the importance of the Second Amendment especially when it comes to deterring undemocratic government and responding to threats both domestic and foreign,” said Leghorne.

     Unconfirmed sources say the membership has been shooting off rounds and experimenting with a myriad of explosive devices.

     “We can see them training early in the morning,” said one neighbor. “The bayonet drills are quite impressive.”

     Sociologists fear that the right-wing threat, perceived or imagined, has generated this backlash among people who traditionally have preferred passive response to aggressive tactics.

     “The Left is making a statement,” said one expert on social behavior at Taylor Park Military Academy. “It’s no longer business as usual. Now liberals are prepared to shoot back…and with accuracy.”

     Whether this will help balance the factions or create even more separation in the future is anyone’s guess.

     “The gov’ment and the rich warlords that run this country seek to split the populace in a classic divide and conquer maneuver that has worked quite well up until now,” added Leghorne. “What both the liberals and conservatives don’t comprehend is that they have one common enemy…the feds. It is clearly within the scope of consciousness that the gov’ment rules by control with agencies such as the illegal Internal Revenue Service and the Federal Reserve Board poised on the front line of this struggle. As long as we continue to fight each other we may never get around to chasing these pirates out of office.” – Kashmir Horseshoe

     

WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT

Grandfather clauses are only as good as the grandfather himself.

Guinness always appears in the plural form. Attempts to employ in the singular are grammatically and socially incorrect. It is akin to trying to drink only one. The word is similar to deer and hops, as in the incorrect usage: deers and hop.

Murphy gas can cover Ballyhops in springtime and the mountains are green over Bantry.

I don’t trust the government, the media or my 3-iron and I don’t rely on the cops.

If all politicians were professional wrestlers the conventions would be worth watching.

The Heeny Tick Festival has had its fiscal difficulties over the past few years.

On British television they have a program that presents actual hospital operations live each day. In Ireland they bet on the outcome.

West Texas may have been shorted on landscapes but more than makes up for it in beautiful women.

Praying is perfectly legitimate in casinos and bingo parlors. The gov’ment hasn’t regulated that freedom yet.

If the feds drain Lake Powell they will have no place to put all that water.

The Luddites were right. So were the Lombards for that mattter.

If the Creator were inclined to invest in humans again he/she might be planning to send a daughter next time around. Why not let her give it a try. What could go wrong?

Vegans are not within the target audience of the Slim Jim Company.

With the recent sale of a 1955 Cadillac Sedan de Ville to Hector Maria-Perez of Santiago de Cuba there are now more vintage Yanqui cars in that country than in the U.S. This shameful disregard for cultural priorities has been documented by everyone from Diana Shore to Edsel to the American Automobile Club. If Roscoe Ortega can come up with the down payment on a 1959 Lincoln Town Car this weekend it is feared the Cubans may enjoy a two-car lead by the All-Star break.

If the Ten Commandments serve no secular purpose (as a federal judge ruled recently in London, Kentucky than what constitutes secular?

Thanks to the millions of dollars spent to take the recent census we can accurately determine that no one lives on Duckwater Peak in Eastern Nevada. In addition very few persons reside on nuclear test sites there either.

Bad actors make bad Presidents.

Harvesting wild asparagus in local ditches works better during the daylight hours when consistency, plumpness and maturity of the stalks are easier to determine. Picking the vegetable on private property often works better at night, under the cover of darkness, when land owners are fast asleep.

In the restaurant business it’s always better to have more customers than cooks.

There is no doubt that the Utes had nuclear capability back in the 19th Century. They simply lacked the technology to deliver the big one. Had Colorow been the chief instead of Ouray (who like many modern day “leaders” was never officially elected by the populace) the Meeker Massacre would have been served with mushrooms.

There are never mosquitoes, leeches, provincial governments or patriotic expectations on charter boat brochures for the African Queen.

It’s easier to bring down a charging bull elk with a butter knife than catch retreating fruit flies with chopsticks.

If rodeo bulls used steroids we’d be forced to contend with deep-fried Rocky Mountain oysters the size of lasur peas. At that point the USFDA would step in and demand that the whole mess be wrapped up in mounds of plastic, complete with enhancement injections, health inspections and official manuals covering such subjects as hand washing techniques and the proper conduct when using fly swatters.

Poor people are generally lazy and do not want to take advantage of the multitude opportunities afforded to them in a free society.

If the Kansas Board of Education banned all Tarzan and Jane movies the Garden of Eden would quickly revert to chaos, green apples and dangerous theories of evolution.

Soccer Moms Against Terrorism will not last since there are no real moms and no real soccer balls…and the terrorists retain lawyers and sport diamond-studded brief cases. It is nothing more than a front for massive development and water piracy both here and along the Confront Range. Martha Stewart has never been a member since she is not really a mom either.

It’s all right to have imaginary friends. The trouble begins when they expect you to pay for the rounds of drinks that they have ordered or for shopping sprees to Cherry Creek Mall. Point of interest:

In the past 200 years not one Tommyknocker has been knocked up within the confines of Colorado..

Real estate prices are down in the Red States because nobody wants to move there. The one noted exception to all of this is Texas, where is has always been about the money.

People in Ridgway don’t wave at each other now like they did in 1975.

The hole in the ozone over Patagonia makes light of the fact that the planet has succumbed to the deeds of its most favored children.

There is very little reason to wear a disguise if you live on an island.

Osama bin Laden was never drafted by the Las Vegas Raiders but the team did produce an offer sheet matching comparable options extended by the government of Saudi Arabia.

Our Broncos: It really doesn’t matter who you hoodwink into playing tackling dummy quarterback without protection. Can you spell OFFENSIVE LINE?

Ignorance is terrorism.

Airline food and hospital food are basically the same in that both enjoy captive audiences and, if consumed regularly, would likely kill you or make you wish you were dead.

Where reality comes into play there is absolutely no reason for the existence of Grand Junction, or Vail for that matter.

Condoleezza Rice is not really a Black. She was just left in the oven to

too long while studying at Stanford.

The inhabitants of concentration camps are rarely offered amnesty, good behavior or not.

Although a marmot has never won the Miss America pageant, several princes and even a few earls have been turned into frogs. Cats sleep all day because it’s the easiest thing to do while dogs bark because they enjoy it.

Beer coolers rarely tear the lids off bears.

Banned books should be sent to Death Row.

Dionysus and Bacchus are the same god. Pan works for both of them on the weekends. None have ever had a mandate that we know of.

Slumgullion is not a federal housing project for impoverished pirates. It’s a beautiful mountain pass that takes one from Lake City to Creede.

And in finale: There have been several Presidents named George but only one named Ulysses. Mocking birds seldom inhabit their own thorn trees. Nefertiti was never allowed to have her own checking account. Woody Guthrie never set foot in a big box store.

– H.L. MENOCKEN

Colona Man Memorizes Zip Codes

The Great Indoors…

(Colona) Rudolph Flann has successfully memorized over 128,000 zip codes and their accompanying towns all across the United States and Canada. Starting with the easier ones closer to home Flann has increased his retention using word association, sleep deprivation, numerology, self-waterboarding and illegal fun drugs.

Friends and neighbors are impressed, as one might guess, but they never thought he’d carry his obsession so far.

“The man has thousands of five-digit combinations pasted all over his garage and scattered throughout his house,” says one neighbor who feels something should be done. “We don’t want to wake up in the morning and be forced to view zip codes for places we’ve never been or never intend to send mail.”

Flann, who has only been out of Montrose County once ( to Delta) in his 75 years, says his attempts are good for humanity. He first became interested in the zip code phenomenon when a customer asked him why the zip for a jerkwater place like Sapinero, Colorado had the same number of digits as a big city like Cleveland, Ohio. His inability to answer the question plagued him all that afternoon. Just why do all communities have five-digit zips and why won’t the post office deliver a letter without one?

He went home that night and began doing what quickly became tedious, though necessary, research and in time answers to this and other puzzles became clear.

Family members say they realize Flann needs help but something to keep him occupied is cheaper in the long run. He seems happy enough in his retirement but other interests, like golf or stamp collecting might have more merit. Meanwhile Flann defends his efforts in light of what he sees as public information.

“For years I saw the post office generate mounds of information that nobody ever needed to read, and I said to myself: “If they can do it why can’t I? If someone needs to know a zip code they can just call me and I can provide the critical information free of charge in a matter of minutes,” he smiled. Many people out there don’t see the value of this service until they find themselves up against the wall with mail to address. They often call sheepishly…apologetically, saying they had been a non-believer or admitting tearfully that they thought I was a nut. Sure it’s a silly hobby but it beats watching television all night.”

Flann’s wife, Marilyn, may disagree with his appraisal saying the hobby has spun out of control and that her husband should pay more attention to the family, their flock of domestic osprey and to yard work.

“At first I thought the hobby was harmless but now he’s got zip codes all over my kitchen. Last week I inadvertently mailed my mother’s recipe for fried chicken to Dayton, Ohio, and I don’t even know anyone there. If he could make some money with his fixation it might be different but each month he spends more and more on supplies to feed his frenzy,” she said. “Those five-foot numbers that he pastes all over the side of the guest house don’t come cheap.”

Oddly enough Flann has gained a faithful following of other residents interested in improving their knowledge of zip codes.

“We had a guy stop by yesterday who has been chronicling zip codes from Manitoba and he thinks he’s on the verge of a breakthrough into some otherwise unexplored terrain,” quipped Flann. “It’s stimulating to be right here while history is being made. Someday when all the citizens of this great country are required to display personal identification numbers on their foreheads our leaders will thank us for our efforts in this cutting edge technology.”

Persons wishing to see for themselves what Flann and his friends are up to should drop him a postcard. Be sure to include the correct zip code.

“The devil can site Scripture for his purpose.”

– William Shakespeare in The Merchant of Venice

Could Rockies lose 100 games before the All-star break?

According to a little used and highly controversial formula, the Colorado Rockies could lose 100 games by the end of July. Citing the same infinite and collateral math used in Monfort slaughter houses in Greeley, some doomsayers estimate that it could be even worse by September.

Called a “poorly concocted and hapless calculus projection” by front office executives, the emerging consensus  stops short of blaming rosin or eye black in the drama. Most look at the ledger sheet.

“They are diverse. They lose in all sorts of creative ways whether it’s bad defense, poor relief pitching, or the ugly strikeout ratio,” said one longtime baseball fan reflecting on the days of the Denver Bears.

When asked how a team could lose 100 games or more when they had only played 62 by the All-Star break one cynic said,” We are aware of those combative and breathy numbers but our formula overrides reason since there is very little reason to watch the Rockies play at this juncture.”

The formula: (whb x 9 = xyz/+ abc (assimilated bounce factor) x 123 probability : “quagmire” = losing culture x 10.5 + dh/Bud/bullpenpals.com) has, of corpse, yet to play out and the team has yet to act in any last ditch efforts at respectability.

Sherrir Montage, a former Weld County Rodeo queen, employed by the Monfort Dynasty, returned our phone call lauding the team’s victory, (was it last week?) and said these predictions were nonsense.

“These are definitely not baseball people,” she added.

Despite all of this many still contend that the Rockies real problem began back in 1990 with the arrival of a very lame logo. CR? That’s it? CR what? Compare if you will team logos for the Pirates, the Orioles, the Athletics or the Giants. Now there are some logos that round the bases and head home. And the license plate uniforms should be worn only in the bullpen with the lights off. Is this keystone fashion statement akin distraction in the late innings. If the opposing dugout is laughing they can’t hit the ball out of the park?

Chatter around the hitting cage has it that baseball deserves a brushback pitch or two after abandoning tradition and joining the money parade that has all but engulfed professional as well as amateur sports.

A very rocky situation here: Why have parking fees and beer prices increased in the Blake Street Terrarium? Why are the nachos still so soggy? How many jingoistic hymns are needed at Coors Field? Is it worthwhile to pray for the starting rotation?

“What are we supposed to do,” asked one embarrassed season ticket holder, “wait until the beer guys start calling in sick?”

Leaving us with that one gnawing, persistent, and agonizing question in our quest to secure the Catbird Seat in October: Are Bud Black and Joe Biden one and the same person? 

For a related story please turn to

Blockbuster Trade sends Russell Wilson

to Cardinals for Nolan Arenado

On Lifestyles at Risk

China Cuts Off Chicken Feet

(San Francisco) China will suspend all exports of chicken feet until the spring it was announced this morning. Despite a seemingly cordial exchange during President Obama’s visit there last month, fiscal commentators fear the worst.

     “He must have done something to piss them off,” said a colored analyst at FOX News.

     “He got tough behind the scenes and forced China to regulate trade deficits,” said a news anchor at National Public Radio.

     In a tedious exchange, blending Pol Potesque social order with a menu of 16^th Century Machiavellian personality disorders, China has agreed to accept 3 megatons of campaign litter from the United States if the Obama Administration will simply sit down to a kimchee dinner summit in Pyongyang.

     The White House, which has reportedly denied already asking what it can bring to the talks, has promised a decision on this newest development by the weekend.

     The Chinese prefer to use campaign litter, written in English, in their little ovens that churn out billions of inessential plastic objects for export.

     “We don’t want workers to loaf around reading about Walter Mondale or Bob Dole when they are supposed to be making plastic,” said one factory supervisor through an interpreter. 

– Ripple Van Winkle

“The highlight of Semana Santa, hell the whole winter…was the singing of The Saints Go Marching In in Spanish by those dangerous priests and their congregation, who just the other day preached doom at memories of the Crucifixion. This Easter morning and are now elated that this nice Jewish guy has returned from the dead, shocking his critics and  instituting the sacred money chain that exists to this day.”    

– Fred Zeppelin, Easter in the Andes