All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Visiting our Civil War battlefields
In recognition of the 160th Anniversary of several major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelde traveled to Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray of their Flexible Fleetwheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three week trip.
Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia.
We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:
Matilda—“If Union general Hooker would not have been so hesitant and had showed some calm under fire, standing firm rather than retreating to the confines of the town, he might have easily defeated Lee who had already split his undermanned army and could not have had the punch to knock out an overwhelming force,”
Sam— “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious and adopting a defensive position. Look at the Confederate casualties and you will see that he was right. The South may have won the day but at a terrible cost of men and supplies.”
Matilda—“You think that just because you caught a few History Channel segments you are some expert. It was my relatives who fought while yours bought their way out of inscription.”
Sam—”And that was probably the last honorable thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished since…
Matilda—My family fought a Celtic war for the glory of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron just like you. I must have been out of my mind to marry a man who has no sense of history much less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to think I could spend three weeks on the road with an imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.
Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi
Sam—”Sure is hot this morning.
Matilda—”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the woods.
Sam—The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its not even noon.
Matilda—That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the air-conditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.
Sam—Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we could rough it for a few days in honor of the men who fought here.
Matilda—What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that without asking me first.
Sam—According to this map the siege began in May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and effectively splitting the South in two.
Matilda—History always looks simple to simple minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is particularly annoying. Look how far we are from the bathrooms.
Sam—But we’re self-contained
Matilda—In your dreams. You forgot to flush the system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the night in a hotel and far away from you.
Sam—Good. I won’t be here when you come back.
Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Matilda— If Lee would have adopted a more defensive position from day one he might have won a victory instead of having to high-tail it back home.
Sam—Maybe,
Matilda—What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that charging into a fortified position with fewer troops is a recipe for military disaster.
Sam―Not always.
Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from Vicksburg.
Sam—I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m just tired of listening to you go on about things you don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress. Your food stinks, you wear too much makeup and you snore.
Matilda—You’re one to talk. You scurry around in those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat, with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is worthless.
Sam—Your dog ran away.
Matilda—No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over with the car.
Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your mother in the driveway when that dog started yapping…
Matilda—Don’t blame my mother for this. She was right about you. No backbone. No integrity. The poor woman has been depressed ever since I married you.
Sam—Why don’t you just shut up and watch the battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.
Matilda—Why must you be so hateful. Oh no…look at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be stranded.
Sam—There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not, you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few pounds in the process.
Sam and Matilda will present a slide show of their wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.
Soothsayer Says Situation Shitty
(Escucha del Monte) An often controversial, local visionary is not predicting a rosy future here in the land of knots and pulleys. In fact the prophesy is quite foreboding while alarmingly blunt.
“It’s shitty which rhymes with pity, city and kitty, among other words,” said the small, hair-covered beggar. “Shitty. What don’t you get about it?”
Notable herein is that the local seer, called Zilot by some and Toliz by others does not circulate among other humans but once in a blue moon. He/she does not make a habit of forcasting much at all, preferring to sit inside his secret cavelike shelter constructed entirely of baby pinion leaf and discarded RV parts.
Cousins who visit him when his sociable security check arrives, say he keeps to himself and keeps his standup routine brief and to the point.
“This oracle joker is a fake. I’ve seen smarter sheep,” said one local farmer who once sold prunes and dairy products to the futuristic guru’s extended community up Goodenough Gulch.
“It’s become fashionable to be eccentric to walk around in a sheet and then expect a payday for sharing enlightenment with us poor sops,” he smirked.
Our source went on to say that neither he nor his neighbors put stock in disjointed, unsolicited projections like these.
“We don’t need flapping lips to tell us the wind is blowing,” he said.
Nigerian missionaries bivouacked up Carne Canyon told The Horseshoe they were offended by the off-color word, clearly integral to the message, but to a greater degree in his surrender of judiciousness to the use of common proletarian profanity.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Wind Jarred in Wyoming
(Cheyenne) After decades of blind and expensive research, climatologists here claim to have successfully jarred the wind. Jarring, compared to the more common harnessing or vaguely routine displacing of the wind is a much simpler technology, which is foolproof and final.
The procedure follows a logical pattern starting with the employment of thousands of glass jars set in a diagram specified for the conditions, the actual collection of ducts and currents and the final canning of the element, secured with simple tin lids and sealed with good ol’ Rocky Mountain elbow grease.
“Not only will this innovative modus operandi store energy for the future,” explained one scientist, “but it will reduce the wind velocity and control haphazard weather patterns currently running roughshod on Wyoming residents.”
It is hoped that neighbor states such as Colorado and Montana will follow suit and begin jarring operations soon. The benefits to jarring the wind, which are not always compatible with metaphysical thought and/or religious superstition, have come to the forefront of late, reminding politicians that voters have grown tired of “the same old air flows” on the part of “windy candidates”.
Official Wyoming Wind, considered a delicacy in most parts of the world (and an aphrodisiac in east Asia) would be packaged, marketed and sold to tourists here during the summer.
“Quite candidly we see the calming affect as outweighing any negative impact of fooling with the weather,” said an unreliable source from Laramie. “Energy is energy and federal subsidies are too.”
– Jack Spratt
GAZA HOAs Suspend Codes
Gaza HOAs that have miraculously survived the ongoing Israeli genocide have released “a more responsive and protective blueprint” more responsive to new parameters. Longstanding codes, statutes, ordinances, decrees, and edicts that dictated who could build what, appear headed for the bomb crater.
Once loose Palestinian building codes are enduring an overnight shift in response to the famine there and continued bombing of the Gaza Strip by Israeli warplanes.
It was not clear if the miles of underground tunnels favored by Hamas would be effected since over 85% of its membership rent (alarmingly 90 and 95% of Hezbollah and Houthi proxies do not own their own homes either). Most still live with their parents or roast under sparse bridges in the region.
Not surprisingly, serious analysis by the surviving population as to how the abrupt relaxing of these long held stipulations will benefit the blackened community was muted. Statistics as to the level of compliance with existing state and national regulations were blown up.
“They’re buried around here somewhere,” said a former mayor of Rafah, who was traveling to yet another safe zone with his family on Wednesday.
Enforcement, maintaining tranquility and sustaining financial stability are still the priority of the HOAs, while such bothersome labyrinths as ancient grandfather clauses, cultural bylaws, kiboshed feuds and suspended covenants are on the chopping block
Persons who defy the new HOA rules could face ridicule, harrying, neighborly aggression, internment, deportation and/or physical harm by whomever is in charge on a given day.
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole
WARNING TO BACKPACKERS
The United States Forest and Logging Service has determined that there are at least 200 million illegal marijuana plants currently being cultivated in our federally administered national forests. If you are confronted by one of these evil weeds on the trail do not attempt to apprehend the highly addictive narcotic on your own. Call the sheriff. If you do not have a mobile phone in your backpack simply drop a postcard upon your arrival home. Please specify the exact coordinates so as to facilitate recommended bombing or artillery assaults. If you are attacked by startled plant do not retreat. Avoid eye contact, wave your arms in the air and puff yourself up bigger than life. If that doesn’t work, carefully approach the plant from its blind side and hack it to pieces, assuring that it will never fall into the wrong hands.
– A message from your National Forests and your local DEA.
LOCAL STATIONS CAUGHT MAKING UP WEATHER
(Bland Junction) Police detained fifteen local weather persons in connection with the alleged misuse of FCC licenses and falsifying or concocting fictitious weather reports. In addition local officers confiscated an estimated ten dollars worth of sophisticated forecasting equipment, a host of neglected bunions and trick knees, several undernourished homing pigeons and a wide assortment of potentially pornographic weather charts.
“It is clear to us that some really shady behavior was going on right under our noses,” said one arresting officer. “It’s clear that most of these weather hacks couldn’t pass a high school meteorology test!”
Several of those in question admitted that the station had been making up the weather since about 1990 when the state government cut back on subsidies for toy telescopes and applied environmental controls to the procedures for collecting atmospheric tidings.
“We admit it,” chided one station manager. “We’ve been rolling dice on weather for quite a while. If we throw a five or a six it’s going to be hot and dry. If we throw a four or a two it will be windy. Doubles usually means rain or snow depending on the time of the year,” he explained. “If we throw doubles twice in a row that means the world is going to end,” he laughed. “Fortunately with the downward spiraling attention span within our audience nobody seems to remember our program the next morning anyway.”
At the preliminary arraignment one former “weather girl” told of wild parties where wine coolers and chips were often present on the set. The testimony was challenged by attorneys for management who asked, “Is this the kind of behavior one would expect from people who are on record as believing the summer solstice is an evil pagan holiday?”
If convicted the entire crew could a stiff fine and banishment from the air waves but that is not likely. Calls for immediate deportation to proverbial fields of lore were waved off on the state level.
“It’s really too bad citizens are too lazy to predict their own weather,” commented a chubby court reporter from the other side of her mouth. “It’s just like fishing. When I was younger my uncle Red used to throw dynamite into a pond and catch his limit in no time. You can’t do that today, can you?”
She did not, nor was she asked, to elaborate.
