All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

El Nino In the Palm of Her Hand

February and March promise to be two of the biggest snow months in decades. The antidote is a well-stocked cupboard, tred on your tires, a serious snow shovel, sharp skis and a good attitude. (or maybe a ticket to the mountains in Colombia).

Homeless Tough on Grocery Carts

(Washington — Wishing for a Piggly Wiggly — January 13, 2015)

The nation’s burgeoning homeless here will be held responsible for damages done to corporate grocery carts according to an investigative wing of the Department of Justice. The federal fairness bureau then reminded all Americans that the wire and wheel push wagons are the privacy of the giant food cartels that feed the populace.

“Those carts are not yours, people,” said Evenkeel Canasta, of the Department of Final Affairs, a sub-contractor of the Committee of Accidental Impartiality. “They are provided only through the kindness of the supermarket barons. When one goes missing or is destroyed we all pay!”

Canasta went on to describe how the ruthless street poor misuse the grocery carts which are often stored unlocked, outside and accessible. Her voice, dropping off in manufactured despair, quavered when she spoke of homeless thugs trashing the steerage mechanism and then abandoning the provender carriages under bridges, in meth alleys and bad neighborhoods all over the city.

“We may all see the day when there are no workable grocery carts anywhere in the country. Then what will the productive segment of society do?

Already top grocers are considering loyalty carts and earned award use of push/pull devices for collecting groceries and hauling purchases to their cars. They say the expense of the operation would be staggering and that grocery prices would have to go up to pay for the privilege.

“Grocery carts are not an entitlement,” quacked Canasta, an outspoken critic of Social Security and Medicare but firm supporter of tax breaks for the petroleum industry. “Far too many Americans think they deserve free grocery carts and they favor helping the homeless with a handful of gimme and a mouthful of much obliged.”

An urban advocate for the homeless called Canasta’s comments cruel and callous, adding that government officials should learn how to keep their mouths shut on social issues that do not directly concern them.

“Does Ms. Canasta suggest that the homeless rent storage units to keep their belongings safe? Maybe they could form a cardboard owners association. If a homeless person wrecks a grocery cart and an oil tanker dumps oil all over a beach who are we going to prosecute?” she asked.

Canasta, undeterred by mounting criticism of the Department of Final Affairs as well as the Committee of Accidental Impartiality, continued to bash street people saying that even when they steal a cart they don’t take care of it.

“They abuse the cart then trade it in on a new one when nobody’s watching. Victual consumers and poorly motivated grocery personnel should be more careful, more attentive when employing this technology or we might forfeit conveniences like value cards and plastic bags at checkout,” she said.

“The only reason these great unwashed don’t steal the parking lots is that they are nailed down and difficult to store,” she roared. “I do not like the homeless.”
Canasta discounted the claims of human rights’ groups that the misuse of grocery carts are only a symptom of a far greater problem of desperation caused in part by corporate greed and the unfair distribution of opportunity in this country.

“I am so tired of listening to high-strung liberals whining,” said Canasta. “If you can’t cut it here in my America you should be deported.”

– Heather Hoffbrau

Roscoe wins dog contest

(Gunnison — Old Dogs New Tricks — December 14, 2015)

A charming Golden Retriever/Lab mix has won First Prize in the Grand Championship Dog Challenge for 2015. Edging out some 2000 other entries, Roscoe came out ahead in the performance bracket and in overall points. What is particularly interesting about the competition is that it was concocted, streamlined and managed strictly by dogs.

People have no clue as to the ramifications and minutiae of Dog Challenge but the five-day trials and finals drew some 5000 human onlookers. The impact on the local economy was noticeable especially in a shoulder season between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holidays.

“Despite the fact that most dogs don’t have shoulders as such they were reportedly happy to “keep the town in kibble”,” said a local veterinarian who demanded anonymity. “We call them “man’s best friend” but the relationship is severely one-sided. We know so little about why they do things, how they see us, and even their basic thought processes.”

The source went on to say that we understand canine priorities all right but we don’t comprehend what might be sophisticated motivations for certain acts such as cleaning out the litter box, sniffing posteriors and drinking from the toilet.

“Dogs run this competition from start to finish,” said the vet. We don’t know any more than that. The upshots, the essentials, the consequences escape us like a whirling ball of busy border collie fur or the lazy drool of a red-eyed St. Bernard. Some of the finer points as to what constitutes a winning performance here shall linger in the domain of dogs, and they aren’t talking,” she smiled.

-Dag Katz

Still No Irish in Hell Says Cromwell

(Dublin, Ireland  —  Blue Eyes in the Caribbean  —  January 5, 2016)

The late Oliver Cromwell, a man who, in the 1600s, attempted to save the Irish peasantry from Papist domination by killing them, has confirmed that there are as yet no Irishmen in hell. The British Isle population down there, says the former Puritan despot, is made up entirely of English patricians from the middle to late 17th Century.

“It appears that we made such a successful go of things in Ireland back in 1649 that our pal Lucifer is still running short of bunk beds,” he said.

Cromwell “the Cruel” made sport of tormenting the inhabitants of Ireland, killing thousands that opposed him and sending many more Irish children into slavery in the British Caribbean colonies, before dying of communist syphilitic warts in 1658.

His roommate in hell, the former Pope Adrian (Hadrian IV) aka Nicholas Breakspeare, has the distinction of being the only Englishman to become Pontiff. Breakspeare is credited with naming Henry II of England as sovereign ruler of Ireland in 1155 and opening the door to British exploitation that lasted through 1922.

It was not clear where deceased Irishmen, who may not have made it to Fiddler’s Green (Paradise) reside these days. But they are not in hell with the Puritans according to Cromwell. The Irish, after suffering 800 years as England’s first colony appear to have greed themselves and taken flight.

“Not all of the Puritans are down here yet either,” he stressed. “Many are still among the living practicing a modern form of intolerance and control with the same old twisted warnings of evil and salvation. They feed off fear and maintain their power base with the freedoms they steal from others…even in the United States,” he smiled.

– Eamon O’Murgatroid

Neil Bush Apologizes for Silverado Scandal

Denver — Bullet-Proof Times  —  January 5, 2016

(Denver) A third Bush brother resurfaced today mouthing a tearful apology for his part in destroying the lives on many Americans in the hush-hush Silverado Banking scheme of the late 1980s. Neil Bush had been a recluse for the past 25 years.

With his …older sibling running for President it seems an odd time to come clean. The former governor of Florida continues to tout his family’s successes despite the disgraceful presidency of Dick Cheney…oh I mean Jeb’s brother, Dubya.

None of the unelected leaders, behind the Iraq War have been indicted for war crimes and the billions stolen from the Iraqi people have never been recovered. Result: The crooks walk, the Arabs starve and the American people pay for hawkish indiscretions with continued war in the Mideast.

In the infamous savings and loan debauchery many people lost their entire savings and taxpayers were bilked of an estimated 1.3 billion dollars due to what the FDIC called gross negligence. Federal regulators, crippled by recent deregulation by the Reagan Administration, stopped short of charging fraud in the highly publicized lawsuit that named Neil Mallon Pierce Bush, other directors, officers and lawyers of the defunct Denver savings and loan association.

The suit went on to say that “…in the three years that Mr. Bush was a director of the Silverado Banking, Savings and Loan Association he violated conflict-of-interest regulations and failed to act to stop the institution from making improper, and in some cases illegal loans.”

The suit also pointed to questionable dealings with known organized crime figures, blatant misuse of funds and extended cover-ups.
Neil, although apologizing for his criminal activity, maintains he did nothing wrong.

“I am sorry that all those nice people lost all their money but their memories are short and we sincerely hope that (with a little fear and a pinch of Jesus) they will vote Republican once again in 2016.

According to an article in the New York Times and a paper presented by the American Society of Criminology, Neil Bush was charged with criminal wrongdoing in the case and ended up paying $50,000 to settle out of court. The chief of Silverado S&L was sentenced to 3.5 years in jail for pleading guilty to 8.7 million in theft. One can get more jail time for robbing a liquor store.

This is just the tip of the iceberg compared to the dealings of Prescott Bush Sr., who while director of Union Banking Corporation helped finance Adolph Hitler’s regime, profited from the Auschwitz labor camp up until 1942 when it was seized by the United States government under the Trading with the Enemy Act.

www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1312540,00.html

And that says nothing of the Harkin stock or the shady sale of the Texas Rangers by George W Bush later on. Wow, if Dick Cheney would have been a Bush we could just dig one hole and be done with the lot of them. Politics is never that simple.

for more: www.fdic.gov/bank/historical/s&l/

Under The Tree ’15

As has become tradition The San Juan Horseshoe is almost pleased to bring you this year’s compilation of innovative gifts for friends and family. Even the cynical recipient will agree that the following roster overrides a more tedious, humdrum collection of mall rat items, last minute shopping network lunges and precocious attempts at satisfying the holiday libido. More than likely all of these kinds of offerings are predestined for the trash or the toilet bowl just as soon as the giver is out of sight or earshot.

Herein peruse a colorful dung heap of benevolent boons that, if not endearing are enduring.

These carefully selected sugarplum diversions and brightly wrapped glitter are sure to jingle someone’s bells come Christmas morning. Go ahead, know-it-all, look for bonanzas such as these in Warren and Susie’s Wisconsin Cheese and Meat Flyer or in your local idiot-compatible discount armory. Search the blender aisle. Examine the cans of mace. Plow through the personal hygiene corridor. You will only find devastating disappointment by mail and/or the usual be-smocked clerk that doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if you drop dead on the way to the checkout stand. Merry Christmas.

SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2016!

Cordon Bleu Pollo Polo For Adults – It’s amazing what could go down on the field of play as chickens with Spanish surnames gallop for glory astride Belgian mounts full of oats and thistle. Resembles the classic kids’ Pollo Polo with the addition of depraved sexual innuendo, outright cheating and curious fowl language piped in on CD Ram. Board game or screen-proof software. Includes eggs, feathers, beaks and scoopers. Clucking available where appropriate. Easy clean-up with biodegradable electronic prod. Do you know someone who’s sick of the hype in professional sports? They’re sure to quack over this gem. About 60 cordobas with starter jiggers of cortisone. Rules in Italian only.

Chunnel # 5 – This meddlesome fragrance blends the international flair of below ground rush hour emissions from Calais to Dover with Friday night cod bakes on the English Channel. Versatile uses include blueprint fixer, nose hair removal tonic and seductive fish bait elixir. Each sampling comes wrapped in recycled mohair with a derby cap. Just like the fermented syrup given to milk maids in lieu of Hershey Bars after the Normandy invasion. In French with subtitles. About $40 per ounce at Stiff Upper Lips and We Shoot Shoplifters Gallery. (See Photo) Romance beckons with Chunnel.

Religious Intolerance Wind Chimes – A cousin to the popular Religious Intolerance Coffee Mugs that sold like wildfire last Christmas. Themes include Bells of the Spanish Inquisition, Impact Puritanism in New England, Short-Circuit Manifest Destiny, Pol Pot’s Jungle Gym and Serbian Voodoo Harmony. $500 in diverted Swiss gold. $200 in loathing silver.

Po’ Boy Smoked New Orleans Saints – A perfect appetizer for the bungler on your list since the head and the tail are going in two different directions at all times. Stuffed with clichés from leading sports broadcasters. Clever caricature of Drew Breeze on the front says Open Me First despite common consensus that just one whiff can stink up the entire Super Dome. I hear dat. Serve with schooners of Dixie and garnish with plain brown paper head accessories. Priced to move at $10 w/Fleur-de-Lis Card or will trade for gator bait.

Ancestral Map of South Central Los Angeles – Why risk going out at night in this neighborhood when you can have the complete diagram of all the action right there on the wall. In living color although life expectancy itself is smaller than imagined. This full color map is the perfect gift for the person who thinks he has it tough. Comes with stick-up pins, drive-by molding, trimmed in mindless crack cocaine. Implanted red lights go on and off whenever a person of color hits the street. Next to impossible maze shows the way out of a place where taxi cabs don’t go after 3 pm. Available at all Beer For Breakfast Outlets and at the Holy Democracy Mall. Price negotiable.

Election Year Promises Toilet Paper and Dispenser – Now there’s finally something worthwhile reading for the private times. Although the copy may become tedious, repetitious, be assured that every major candidate from the Twentieth Century is represented. Remember when Theodore Roosevelt promised that he’s shave his mustache if elected? What about burly William Howard Taft pledging to lose weight if sent to the White House? Who could forget Cal Coolidge and the Chicken in Every Pot pronouncement. Herbert Hoover promised to revive the economy and FDR swore he’d keep us out of war. The list goes on embracing Richard Nixon’s campaign covenant to “get us out of Vietnam” and Walter Mondale’s “Where’s the Beef” embarrassment. Purchase before December 24 and receive bonus gift: Bill Clinton’s Election Year Promises, which are chronicled on a separate family-size roll. Obama available in 2017. Dispenser comes in genuine 14-K pyrite. $15 per roll at most Annoying Gift Boutiques and at Brawl Marts.

19th Century Wyoming Family (Pictured) Sick of your family? Buy one from the Equality State. Grandma, grandpa, cousins, uncles and aunts all come already assembled. Wardrobes, insurance policies, retirement benefits, college educations and weekly meal allotments slightly more. Some with garages. Work out payment plan.

Automotive Satellite Dish – Do you know someone who likes to watch TV while they drive through rush hour? Well, your search could be over! Buy them a reception dish for the top of their vehicle. Won’t the neighbors be jealous when they see this baby in the driveway. Use it as a lightening rod. Take pictures beside it. Teach it to take the dog for a walk. Hang laundry off it. Fits monster trucks. Movie channels included. $45,000 firm at Castle Creek Guitars in Gunnison and at major electronic retailers (Pictured)

Cheeseburger replica health food bars – Gingko and Taurine content. Prescribed by Doogie Houser on his canceled TV show. Herbal kielbasa flash cards help users pick the right bar for the right exercise. Box of ten lasts 20 years. Skiers: What a delicious change from the tofu hot dog wagon! Hold your nose…Down the hatch. You’ll be glad you’re alive. $39.95 per package.

Wireless tuna locator and bona fide bean grill – Baja bound? Who ants to spend all day out catching dinner? Now a panga boat full of landlubbers can haul in trophy tuna in just minutes with the Wireless! Synthetic bait and chumming buddy make the entire experience aroma free. Bean grill works every time at barbecues where the fare is sparse. Free RV insignia earrings with purchase at the East Cape Smoke House in Los Barriles. $2500

E-Mail rectal thermometer – Got a sickly computer geek on your shopping list? This may look like a joke gift at first but a survey of purchasers confirms that it gets even more use than the nuclear butter dish and the peanut shell slippers from last Christmas. Buy the gift that is used with regularity. $19.99 at Emil Retentive Super Stores and Yuppie Palace.

Salem Witch File – Just like the ones used in bonfire rituals by the righteous folk back in early Massachusetts. Warning: Contains 17% frankincense and 3% myrrh. Metaphysical handle allows for easy grasp. Several easily attached sizes effective for an assortment of religious persecutions. Convenient case for the close-minded and terribly frightened. $7.99 at Cromwell’s and most spiritually corrupt hardware outlets.

“I Ching – What’s Your Name T-Shirt – The Rage in Hong Kong. Tye-Dyed. Reversible “I’m from Atlantis-Isn’t Everyone? on the other side. How clever. Sold at all Eat Shirt Stores and Shirt For Brains Boutiques. Overpriced at $15.

Elegant Lady Ski Run Eye Shadow – Let friends and lovers cruise the slopes in style if not with grace this holiday with their very own magnetic cosmetic fanny pack full of simulated ski run eye shadow. Names like Coonskin Blue, Upper Forest Chartreuse, Jokerville Wild, Apex Allure, Yellow Brick Charivari and the quasi-popular Orchidaceous Plunge will keep them blinking under the goggles. Guaranteed not to run like cheap Nordic mascara. Cryptic lipstick available in most shades. Normally $20 per quart but far cheaper in bulk at all Face Plant Stores and Primary Donna’s Boutiques.

Nuclear Micro-Brew Cell Phone Bingo Fax Lunch Box– Made of one part tupperware – two parts strawberry jello this could be the perfect gift for the person who craves technology or mixes business with pleasure. Bingo mode functional only on weekends. Lunch box doubles as roladex on command. Pilsner cell phone comes in three colors and is washable. Warning: Consumers are responsible for the removal of all nuclear waste generated from the operation of this device. $250.00 at Cheyenne Mountain Mall or look for further dealers next to “abandoned nuclear submarines” in the Jello Pages.

Books and Music Galore...The long awaited Death Row Cookbook has arrived along with The 48th Highlanders Pipe and Drum Corps Tribute to Lou Reed. Most stores are taking orders for The Vulgar Crossword Companion. Other anthologies include the coffee table version of the best selling Israeli Golan Heights Urban Renewal and Demolition Guide and the cultist The Autobiography of Gabby Hayes featuring a dynamic soft cover commemorative version woven from Hayes’ very own beard.

– H.L. Menocken, Holiday reveler