All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Roscoe wins dog contest
(Gunnison — Old Dogs New Tricks — December 14, 2015)
A charming Golden Retriever/Lab mix has won First Prize in the Grand Championship Dog Challenge for 2015. Edging out some 2000 other entries, Roscoe came out ahead in the performance bracket and in overall points. What is particularly interesting about the competition is that it was concocted, streamlined and managed strictly by dogs.
People have no clue as to the ramifications and minutiae of Dog Challenge but the five-day trials and finals drew some 5000 human onlookers. The impact on the local economy was noticeable especially in a shoulder season between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holidays.
“Despite the fact that most dogs don’t have shoulders as such they were reportedly happy to “keep the town in kibble”,” said a local veterinarian who demanded anonymity. “We call them “man’s best friend” but the relationship is severely one-sided. We know so little about why they do things, how they see us, and even their basic thought processes.”
The source went on to say that we understand canine priorities all right but we don’t comprehend what might be sophisticated motivations for certain acts such as cleaning out the litter box, sniffing posteriors and drinking from the toilet.
“Dogs run this competition from start to finish,” said the vet. We don’t know any more than that. The upshots, the essentials, the consequences escape us like a whirling ball of busy border collie fur or the lazy drool of a red-eyed St. Bernard. Some of the finer points as to what constitutes a winning performance here shall linger in the domain of dogs, and they aren’t talking,” she smiled.
-Dag Katz
Still No Irish in Hell Says Cromwell
(Dublin, Ireland — Blue Eyes in the Caribbean — January 5, 2016)
The late Oliver Cromwell, a man who, in the 1600s, attempted to save the Irish peasantry from Papist domination by killing them, has confirmed that there are as yet no Irishmen in hell. The British Isle population down there, says the former Puritan despot, is made up entirely of English patricians from the middle to late 17th Century.
“It appears that we made such a successful go of things in Ireland back in 1649 that our pal Lucifer is still running short of bunk beds,” he said.
Cromwell “the Cruel” made sport of tormenting the inhabitants of Ireland, killing thousands that opposed him and sending many more Irish children into slavery in the British Caribbean colonies, before dying of communist syphilitic warts in 1658.
His roommate in hell, the former Pope Adrian (Hadrian IV) aka Nicholas Breakspeare, has the distinction of being the only Englishman to become Pontiff. Breakspeare is credited with naming Henry II of England as sovereign ruler of Ireland in 1155 and opening the door to British exploitation that lasted through 1922.
It was not clear where deceased Irishmen, who may not have made it to Fiddler’s Green (Paradise) reside these days. But they are not in hell with the Puritans according to Cromwell. The Irish, after suffering 800 years as England’s first colony appear to have greed themselves and taken flight.
“Not all of the Puritans are down here yet either,” he stressed. “Many are still among the living practicing a modern form of intolerance and control with the same old twisted warnings of evil and salvation. They feed off fear and maintain their power base with the freedoms they steal from others…even in the United States,” he smiled.
– Eamon O’Murgatroid
Neil Bush Apologizes for Silverado Scandal
Denver — Bullet-Proof Times — January 5, 2016
(Denver) A third Bush brother resurfaced today mouthing a tearful apology for his part in destroying the lives on many Americans in the hush-hush Silverado Banking scheme of the late 1980s. Neil Bush had been a recluse for the past 25 years.
With his …older sibling running for President it seems an odd time to come clean. The former governor of Florida continues to tout his family’s successes despite the disgraceful presidency of Dick Cheney…oh I mean Jeb’s brother, Dubya.
None of the unelected leaders, behind the Iraq War have been indicted for war crimes and the billions stolen from the Iraqi people have never been recovered. Result: The crooks walk, the Arabs starve and the American people pay for hawkish indiscretions with continued war in the Mideast.
In the infamous savings and loan debauchery many people lost their entire savings and taxpayers were bilked of an estimated 1.3 billion dollars due to what the FDIC called gross negligence. Federal regulators, crippled by recent deregulation by the Reagan Administration, stopped short of charging fraud in the highly publicized lawsuit that named Neil Mallon Pierce Bush, other directors, officers and lawyers of the defunct Denver savings and loan association.
The suit went on to say that “…in the three years that Mr. Bush was a director of the Silverado Banking, Savings and Loan Association he violated conflict-of-interest regulations and failed to act to stop the institution from making improper, and in some cases illegal loans.”
The suit also pointed to questionable dealings with known organized crime figures, blatant misuse of funds and extended cover-ups.
Neil, although apologizing for his criminal activity, maintains he did nothing wrong.
“I am sorry that all those nice people lost all their money but their memories are short and we sincerely hope that (with a little fear and a pinch of Jesus) they will vote Republican once again in 2016.
According to an article in the New York Times and a paper presented by the American Society of Criminology, Neil Bush was charged with criminal wrongdoing in the case and ended up paying $50,000 to settle out of court. The chief of Silverado S&L was sentenced to 3.5 years in jail for pleading guilty to 8.7 million in theft. One can get more jail time for robbing a liquor store.
This is just the tip of the iceberg compared to the dealings of Prescott Bush Sr., who while director of Union Banking Corporation helped finance Adolph Hitler’s regime, profited from the Auschwitz labor camp up until 1942 when it was seized by the United States government under the Trading with the Enemy Act.
www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1312540,00.html
And that says nothing of the Harkin stock or the shady sale of the Texas Rangers by George W Bush later on. Wow, if Dick Cheney would have been a Bush we could just dig one hole and be done with the lot of them. Politics is never that simple.
for more: www.fdic.gov/bank/historical/s&l/
Under The Tree ’15
As has become tradition The San Juan Horseshoe is almost pleased to bring you this year’s compilation of innovative gifts for friends and family. Even the cynical recipient will agree that the following roster overrides a more tedious, humdrum collection of mall rat items, last minute shopping network lunges and precocious attempts at satisfying the holiday libido. More than likely all of these kinds of offerings are predestined for the trash or the toilet bowl just as soon as the giver is out of sight or earshot.
Herein peruse a colorful dung heap of benevolent boons that, if not endearing are enduring.
These carefully selected sugarplum diversions and brightly wrapped glitter are sure to jingle someone’s bells come Christmas morning. Go ahead, know-it-all, look for bonanzas such as these in Warren and Susie’s Wisconsin Cheese and Meat Flyer or in your local idiot-compatible discount armory. Search the blender aisle. Examine the cans of mace. Plow through the personal hygiene corridor. You will only find devastating disappointment by mail and/or the usual be-smocked clerk that doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if you drop dead on the way to the checkout stand. Merry Christmas.
SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2016!
Cordon Bleu Pollo Polo For Adults – It’s amazing what could go down on the field of play as chickens with Spanish surnames gallop for glory astride Belgian mounts full of oats and thistle. Resembles the classic kids’ Pollo Polo with the addition of depraved sexual innuendo, outright cheating and curious fowl language piped in on CD Ram. Board game or screen-proof software. Includes eggs, feathers, beaks and scoopers. Clucking available where appropriate. Easy clean-up with biodegradable electronic prod. Do you know someone who’s sick of the hype in professional sports? They’re sure to quack over this gem. About 60 cordobas with starter jiggers of cortisone. Rules in Italian only.
Chunnel # 5 – This meddlesome fragrance blends the international flair of below ground rush hour emissions from Calais to Dover with Friday night cod bakes on the English Channel. Versatile uses include blueprint fixer, nose hair removal tonic and seductive fish bait elixir. Each sampling comes wrapped in recycled mohair with a derby cap. Just like the fermented syrup given to milk maids in lieu of Hershey Bars after the Normandy invasion. In French with subtitles. About $40 per ounce at Stiff Upper Lips and We Shoot Shoplifters Gallery. (See Photo) Romance beckons with Chunnel.
Religious Intolerance Wind Chimes – A cousin to the popular Religious Intolerance Coffee Mugs that sold like wildfire last Christmas. Themes include Bells of the Spanish Inquisition, Impact Puritanism in New England, Short-Circuit Manifest Destiny, Pol Pot’s Jungle Gym and Serbian Voodoo Harmony. $500 in diverted Swiss gold. $200 in loathing silver.
Po’ Boy Smoked New Orleans Saints – A perfect appetizer for the bungler on your list since the head and the tail are going in two different directions at all times. Stuffed with clichés from leading sports broadcasters. Clever caricature of Drew Breeze on the front says Open Me First despite common consensus that just one whiff can stink up the entire Super Dome. I hear dat. Serve with schooners of Dixie and garnish with plain brown paper head accessories. Priced to move at $10 w/Fleur-de-Lis Card or will trade for gator bait.
Ancestral Map of South Central Los Angeles – Why risk going out at night in this neighborhood when you can have the complete diagram of all the action right there on the wall. In living color although life expectancy itself is smaller than imagined. This full color map is the perfect gift for the person who thinks he has it tough. Comes with stick-up pins, drive-by molding, trimmed in mindless crack cocaine. Implanted red lights go on and off whenever a person of color hits the street. Next to impossible maze shows the way out of a place where taxi cabs don’t go after 3 pm. Available at all Beer For Breakfast Outlets and at the Holy Democracy Mall. Price negotiable.
Election Year Promises Toilet Paper and Dispenser – Now there’s finally something worthwhile reading for the private times. Although the copy may become tedious, repetitious, be assured that every major candidate from the Twentieth Century is represented. Remember when Theodore Roosevelt promised that he’s shave his mustache if elected? What about burly William Howard Taft pledging to lose weight if sent to the White House? Who could forget Cal Coolidge and the Chicken in Every Pot pronouncement. Herbert Hoover promised to revive the economy and FDR swore he’d keep us out of war. The list goes on embracing Richard Nixon’s campaign covenant to “get us out of Vietnam” and Walter Mondale’s “Where’s the Beef” embarrassment. Purchase before December 24 and receive bonus gift: Bill Clinton’s Election Year Promises, which are chronicled on a separate family-size roll. Obama available in 2017. Dispenser comes in genuine 14-K pyrite. $15 per roll at most Annoying Gift Boutiques and at Brawl Marts.
19th Century Wyoming Family (Pictured) Sick of your family? Buy one from the Equality State. Grandma, grandpa, cousins, uncles and aunts all come already assembled. Wardrobes, insurance policies, retirement benefits, college educations and weekly meal allotments slightly more. Some with garages. Work out payment plan.
Automotive Satellite Dish – Do you know someone who likes to watch TV while they drive through rush hour? Well, your search could be over! Buy them a reception dish for the top of their vehicle. Won’t the neighbors be jealous when they see this baby in the driveway. Use it as a lightening rod. Take pictures beside it. Teach it to take the dog for a walk. Hang laundry off it. Fits monster trucks. Movie channels included. $45,000 firm at Castle Creek Guitars in Gunnison and at major electronic retailers (Pictured)
Cheeseburger replica health food bars – Gingko and Taurine content. Prescribed by Doogie Houser on his canceled TV show. Herbal kielbasa flash cards help users pick the right bar for the right exercise. Box of ten lasts 20 years. Skiers: What a delicious change from the tofu hot dog wagon! Hold your nose…Down the hatch. You’ll be glad you’re alive. $39.95 per package.
Wireless tuna locator and bona fide bean grill – Baja bound? Who ants to spend all day out catching dinner? Now a panga boat full of landlubbers can haul in trophy tuna in just minutes with the Wireless! Synthetic bait and chumming buddy make the entire experience aroma free. Bean grill works every time at barbecues where the fare is sparse. Free RV insignia earrings with purchase at the East Cape Smoke House in Los Barriles. $2500
E-Mail rectal thermometer – Got a sickly computer geek on your shopping list? This may look like a joke gift at first but a survey of purchasers confirms that it gets even more use than the nuclear butter dish and the peanut shell slippers from last Christmas. Buy the gift that is used with regularity. $19.99 at Emil Retentive Super Stores and Yuppie Palace.
Salem Witch File – Just like the ones used in bonfire rituals by the righteous folk back in early Massachusetts. Warning: Contains 17% frankincense and 3% myrrh. Metaphysical handle allows for easy grasp. Several easily attached sizes effective for an assortment of religious persecutions. Convenient case for the close-minded and terribly frightened. $7.99 at Cromwell’s and most spiritually corrupt hardware outlets.
“I Ching – What’s Your Name T-Shirt – The Rage in Hong Kong. Tye-Dyed. Reversible “I’m from Atlantis-Isn’t Everyone? on the other side. How clever. Sold at all Eat Shirt Stores and Shirt For Brains Boutiques. Overpriced at $15.
Elegant Lady Ski Run Eye Shadow – Let friends and lovers cruise the slopes in style if not with grace this holiday with their very own magnetic cosmetic fanny pack full of simulated ski run eye shadow. Names like Coonskin Blue, Upper Forest Chartreuse, Jokerville Wild, Apex Allure, Yellow Brick Charivari and the quasi-popular Orchidaceous Plunge will keep them blinking under the goggles. Guaranteed not to run like cheap Nordic mascara. Cryptic lipstick available in most shades. Normally $20 per quart but far cheaper in bulk at all Face Plant Stores and Primary Donna’s Boutiques.
Nuclear Micro-Brew Cell Phone Bingo Fax Lunch Box– Made of one part tupperware – two parts strawberry jello this could be the perfect gift for the person who craves technology or mixes business with pleasure. Bingo mode functional only on weekends. Lunch box doubles as roladex on command. Pilsner cell phone comes in three colors and is washable. Warning: Consumers are responsible for the removal of all nuclear waste generated from the operation of this device. $250.00 at Cheyenne Mountain Mall or look for further dealers next to “abandoned nuclear submarines” in the Jello Pages.
Books and Music Galore...The long awaited Death Row Cookbook has arrived along with The 48th Highlanders Pipe and Drum Corps Tribute to Lou Reed. Most stores are taking orders for The Vulgar Crossword Companion. Other anthologies include the coffee table version of the best selling Israeli Golan Heights Urban Renewal and Demolition Guide and the cultist The Autobiography of Gabby Hayes featuring a dynamic soft cover commemorative version woven from Hayes’ very own beard.
– H.L. Menocken, Holiday reveler
Google Acquires Yahoo, Amazon
(Hillbilly Heaven — Hootin’ Holler Times — December 11, 2015)
With the purchase of Yahoo this week, near-do-well Barney Google is now in firm control of the three of the largest Internet concerns on the planet. The new media/web baron, “with the Goo Goo Googly Eyes” had little comment on the takeovers saying only that the entire experience was “bodacious”.
Most of you out there in Readerland probably don’t remember Barney Google, a somewhat shiftless comic strip character obsessed with horse racing, poker and prizefights. Google first appeared on the sports page of the Chicago Herald & Examiner in 1919. He shared top billing with Snuffy Smith (pronounced Smif in Hootin’ Holler) in the comics for decades only to be overshadowed by Snuffy, Loweezy, Jughaid and Tater by the 50s.
Dining with Smith/Smif (a known chicken thief) and his beloved racehorse named Spark Plug Google could only smile at the developments raging around him. Thousands of employees to guide, millions of dollars on the table, brutal competition and newly unleashed power did not appear to faze him as he sipped tea with his favorites including his faithful nag, Spark Plug, who was given special dispensation to join the party a the often ostentatious Seneca Village Tavern in Manhattan’s Central Park.
Google will remain in New York long enough to sign papers and talk to bankers before returning to more comfortable environs of his Southern Appalachian hamlet in the Smokey Mountains.
“Balls of fire!” exclaimed Smith when told Google would invest 10% of all future earnings in corn licker enterprises, one of Snuffy’s fiscal pursuits. “Them revenooers ain’t gonna catch me this time. Now I’m bona fide.”
For further research see: The Google is a water monster that prowls gardens at night. A Google is also a very large number (usually associated with money or currency)
Onion Shortage Could be Region’s Panacea
(Olathe, CO — Particularly Pungent Press — November 26, 2015)
The autumn onion crop shortages have created misery for some and obscene wealth for others according to Ag sources at Region Zen. In
addition to the scarcity of the edible bulb the spherical heads of greenish white flowers common to the mature plant are curiously absent as is the wafting aroma of onions ready to be picked.
Some people are trading exclusively in onions while others bemoan their lack of foresight and frugality when times were tough and onions commanded little.
The price of a pound of Brown Beauties is roughly twice that of gold on this morning’s commodities market. The strain, actual yellow or amber in the sunlight, have been a part of the Uncompahgre farmer’s landscape since the days of Fathers Escalante and Dominguez. * The same measure of onions is worth more than 20 times the tariff demanded for a pound of Russian caviar or a comparable weight of petrified marmot marrow, valued as an aphrodisiac in China.
“People around these parts are throwing away their worthless currency and trading exclusively in onions,” explained on extension service source.
“Dollars are backed with nothing but promises while these beauties are backed by the Precious Pungent Standard. The deficiencies started the ball rolling before the crop was even disbursed. The impact was immediate.”
Profits, for a chosen few, have become exorbitant, dictating life styles and creating an entire generation of onion gentry while others go without.
Attempts to reign in illegal trafficking and wildcat commerce have fallen on deaf ears as the lure of wealth drifts across barren fields and dried up arroyos.
“I remember when the little bastards would fall off the trucks and nobody even stopped to pick them up,” said Lorenzo Halfwitte, who moved to Olathe from Pea Green back in 1906. Kids used the vegetables to throw at other kids. Goats ate them for breakfast. Today one never sees an onion lying around unattended. It’s paper money that blows around all over the place.”
As of October over 200 new millionaires have joined the ranks of the newly anointed. A throng of new eateries have emerged cater to the whims of these wealthy pockets of unbridled affluence. Restaurants named The Pungent Victual, the Stark Scallion and the Gilded Lily Lounge poke their heads above the old main street luring diners to lush garden settings and sidewalk social scenes. Onion gourmets fill the lavish high-rise apartment edifices that have sprung up overnight to accommodate the hoards of chefs who have come to Olathe to study under the masters.
On the flip side people all over the world suffer from bland diets and cooking itself is stashed on the back burner likely void of imagination and certainly as an art form. Garlic and cayenne cannot carry the weight by themselves.
“These people didn’t pay attention when the bottom fell out nor did they act when the top blew off,” says Halfwitte, whose personal income is estimated in the millions.
And now related products such as burlap and mesh (akin to onion packaging) have hit an all-time high especially on the Corning and Visalia commodities exchange. These once-discarded bags are now considered rare.
In trendy California homeowners use them to replace wallpaper and substitute for lawns in the time of drought. The word is out that the Brown Beauty is the only onion to serve at parties. Sales have skyrocketed in disproportion to the dearth. It is common knowledge that Californians spend over $200 annually on onion dips alone.
Closer to home culinary caravans descend on farmer’s markets before the vegetables can be sorted. Upscale clothing and perfume firms have flooded the place with expensive merchandise while gobbling up retail space on the main avenue as neighboring communities ride the coat tails of this bonanza. Office space at the prestigious Manufacturers’ Hangover Building has ascended $4000 a square foot and there are few vacancies.
Shallot Nights, a perfume fermented and bottled here, has created quite a stir in the marketplace as well as 300 high-paying jobs that further feed the enlightenment.
“It all comes down to patience,” quipped Halfwitte from his amber Rolls Royce pickup. “If you wait long enough somebody’s going to run short of something. All you gotta do is hold on to those trump cards until the right time.” – H.L. Menocken
* Our passing reference to Escalante and Dominguez solidifies a strong dependence on the crop from the beginnings of New World agriculture. Onions were an important staple in the diet of early explorers in Colorado and thought to prevent scurvy and halitosis in livestock by ancient civilizations like the Inca and Mayan groups.
