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US Will Be Gated Community by ’16

with Sam Greengrass, Holistic Sociologist 

(Denver) If current trends continue the United States could be a gated community in just a few short years. Rapidly expanding suburbs, poor

zoning, the shortage of forts and the disparity between rich and poor have all been cited as major culprits in this security/separation phenomenon.

Wealthier types certainly don’t want the great unwashed hanging out in their front yards. That’s normal. This problem can be averted by closing off access at the entrance of a fortified community. In more congested urban areas this is accomplished with a security gate while out in the suburbs an armed guard or dogs could be brought in to do the trick. Why? More cash out in the suburbs.

The key is avoiding eye contact with migratory groups and persons looking for a handout. Why should people who have made it be forced to look at those who have not been so fortunate? Good fences make good neighbors.

With both crime and the number of policeman on the rise one might base his gated status strictly with security as a priority, but he should always keep in mind that a locked gate is never a fool-proof deterrent. Criminals, who don’t usually work full time, have been known to be quite innovative when picking locks, hiding in septic systems, sneaking under doors, swooping down from oak trees and distracting security personnel.

“Until states like Colorado embrace the death penalty for burglary the epidemic will continue. People who have things that they don’t want to share with others should prepare to insulate themselves from lesser humans, intent on stealing and worse,” said Ancelle Ridgeback, who has made a fortune selling security systems worldwide.

“The gated concept is not just a reality in the cities and suburbs. People living in the mountains under the mistaken warranty that they are out of the mainstream and thus safe from intrusion, may be sadly surprised in the New World where criminals wander at will,” added Ridgeback.

While gates will do little good out in Hooterville there are other more effective measures that can be employed to assure the wealthy that the criminal element has been dissuaded. One such prevention device is a moat dug around the property. Since most poor people have never learned to swim they cannot cross over and get their hands on one’s goods. Another effective obstruction is a machine gun nest, or nests, placed at strategic locales such as the bedroom window, baby’s room, in the trees by the pool, or on the roof of the garage.

Dogs, for decades the security of choice for many in the upper earning bracket, are less effective since they cannot be trusted. Often distracted by bits of food, sirens or other dogs, these sentries may keep some people out while allowing others access. Nobody knows exactly why this is true but ask any crook or dog lover and they will tell you.

We all know that poor people are thieves. If you want to keep what’s yours you must take steps to protect it. While private armies are frowned upon by the federal element a few guards on patrol in the environs can keep sticky fingers at bay. They can also circulate in the immediate region watching for suspicious characters and plots aimed at taking your things. Many of these security persons are not afraid to confront a potential intruder and deliver a good beating for good measure.

As one investigates these approaches to heightened security he will find that there are many types of gates that will do the job. There is the Latin American approach which uses bits of glass at the top of the wall to deny entrance to even the most athletic crook. There are electric fences and trigger devices that fire an assortment of projectiles at intruders. There are road spikes and minefields too which can get rather expensive. Maybe the whole neighborhood could pitch in and provide community security…that’s the gated concept at the grassroots level.

Just take care to perform a thorough check into the background of any potential ally. Don’t let the kind of car he drives or the number of domestics employed, determine his reliability. The whole lifestyle could just be a disguise, an attempt to lull you to sleep while he takes it all. The last thing you need is a fox watching the hen house or one of them firmly entrenched on the inside.

Next Month: Secure Parking Methods and Car Alarms

(Editor’s note: If you plan to employ live ammunition as part of your security shield/gate be sure that neighbors are aware of your actions. Too many times innocent people are injured by stray bullets aimed at criminals. Hey, these folks are on your side. They are only trying to protect their possessions too. In these times of overpopulation and greed we must all stick together.)  

TOWN BUYS CYBER SPACE

Parking Should Improve Almost Overnight

(Ridgway) Town fathers and mothers have reportedly purchased some 3,000 bites of cyberspace which will be turned into parking spaces by summer. According to the architects of the plan the space was cheap, compared to current real estate market appraisals.

“It’s a lot like mineral rights and dog poop under the snow,” said one proponent of the plan. “We all know what’s under there but it takes a cosmic reintroduction to make the desired effect come alive.”

When completed the cyberspace will accommodate roughly 3,000 vehicles and generate an estimated $250 per day in additional parking fines for the town.

“Those funds will be kept under the bed and then used to buy more cyberspace in the future,” said one conceptual engineer. “We don’t want to be another Telluride. We just want to find a place to park before the end of the century.”

In addition to alleviating a major traffic problem the move could create 100 new jobs for valet cyberspace parking attendants and some 25 security personnel who will check “parking permit tickets” displayed by motorists.

The benefits of additional space should be quite noticeable at peak times of the season such as festival weekends, hangings and the day the food stamps arrive in town. – Rocky Flats

Feds Seek Input on Grazing

(Washington) The Federal Government is encouraging all elk, deer, cows and sheep to provide input on proposed public grazing procedures prior to a final vote by the House and Senate next month. If you are a mammal with a strong herd instinct you may wish to forward comments to Department of Grazing and Sandbagging, 2998 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. If you are a female or a member of a minority simply call us collect and we will send a representative directly to you for consultation.

The federal government is particularly interested in projected impact in the Uncompahgre, Gunnison, San Juan, White River, Grand Mesa and Routt National Forests. They have received a barrage of data from the humans involved and now wish to hear from the animals.

“Who else is closer to the situation than the potential grazees?” asked Sen. Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) who was swept into office back in 1944 thanks to an almost embarrassing donation from the asphalt lobby. “We must not forget our four-legged constituency. After all they can vote too, can’t they?”

In a related story, Noise and his colleagues will take on the particularly annoying task of determining just who is covered under Barack’s new national health insurance plan. At present both the deer and elk carry only minimal Major Catastrophe policies while many of the cows and sheep are not covered at all. If the Obama plan is adopted the head bull or buck must fork out the money to cover other lesser members of the herd and their dependents.

“This will kill the concept of the independent herd,” offered Noise. “We will witness extensive layoffs as controlling elk and deer will simply let their underlings go so as to avoid this exorbitant cost. These people are completely out of touch with reality on this one,” he laughed. “Don’t they think that if the animals could afford full coverage at a comparable, fair price, without government interference, that they would already be on an insurance plan? This whole mess is sure to stimulate the economy all right. We have a lot of potential as a Third World power!”

Noise blamed what he called the Medical/Legal Complex and obstinate government deadweight for the injustices suffered by millions of uninsured Americans and added that the insurance companies are nothing more than insulated, corporate parasites who produce nothing and feed on the fears and ignorance of the public.

“Look at the massive skyscrapers, the versatile investments and the warm, clever advertisements on such big ticket items as the Super Bowl,” stabbed Noise. “Where do you think the money comes from to project such an glowing image? One can make a rat look like a swan with the right makeup and enough cash.”

Noise plans to retire next year after decades in the Senate. He intends to devote full time to sabotaging insurance companies from “Hell to Hartford,” as he puts it. In addition, he will spend one day per week counseling young deer and elk as to the dangers of gang membership.

Mr Ha Ha’s in Luang Prabang, Laos

Mr Ha Ha’s in Luang Prabang, Laos offers noodle soup and shots of Lao Lao (rice whiskey).

LIFT OP RETIREMENT HOME OPENS DOORS

(Almont) Pomolift Acres opened here today as hundreds of former lift operators jockeyed to secure accommodations. The fifty-room chalet can handle about 100 retired lift ops at full capacity. Although principals here are certain that vacancies will not regularly crop up, they encourage anyone who qualifies for residency to drop by and fill out the necessary paperwork.

Potential Pomolift patrons must be 65 years of age, a resident of Colorado, and must have labored as a lift operator for at least one full season at any recognized Colorado ski resort. Veterans of other states will be considered based on availability. The facility accepts all kinds of insurance and will even help liquidate assets associated with possible clientele. For more information on Pomolift Acres call the Almont Chamber of Comments.

-Rocky Flats

River Testosterone Levels Concern Officials

(Norwood) Dangerously low testosterone levels in the San Miguel River may lead to the draining of that artery according to sources at the county level. Shocking data, extracted from tributaries each spring, clearly shows a drop of some 14% since the same time in 2013.

Experts blame diet and the political climate for the decrease, which is linked to uncertainty and misdirection on the part of males 18-30 years-of-age. Once a bastion of sexual potency, the river has experienced continued shortfalls despite regular injections of home remedy enhancement concoctions since 1997.

“This was never a problem,” said one local official, “when Bill Clinton was President.”

Despite aggressive cross-examination the source refused to elaborate.