Bear Given Condoms

(Norwood) The Forest Circus has agreed in theory to allow black bears to purchase condoms at a variety of outlets due to overpopulation in the Ursidae ranks of late. Unconfirmed sources verify that the black bear population has increased 20% over the past year and will continue this trend due to the stabilization of fodder and the lack of natural predators, especially in the spring.
Groups of animal rights advocates, back from a bivouac with aardvarks and antelope, have agreed to provide birth control information to younger, more impressionable cubs. The adults, however are on their own targets of TV ads they don’t see and billboards that they cannot read.
As one might readily imagine, this development has upset a host of human political/social/religious persons, many of whom have never observed a bear in his natural environment. They fear that the use of condoms within the bear population will hamper the continuity of the animal’s rigid social strata, encourage permissiveness and introduce latex guilt to and otherwise happy-go-lucky, hungry species.
The big question, of corpse, is: Will the bear use the condoms?
“We see no indication whatsoever in the farthest sense of a tilted, twisted imagination that would even slightly suggest that these bruins are going to put on a rubber before dancing the horizontal two-step,” said Stanley Rock, who has produced over 200 short films on bear behavior.
“It is a fool who still thinks we live in a democracy,” said one local ranger. “In 2014 he who shouts the loudest often wins out, while the poor bears can’t utter so much as a compound sentence. It’s them what’s getting their indiscretions trimmed.”
– Small Mouth Bess