Feds Seek Input on Grazing

(Washington) The Federal Government is encouraging all elk, deer, cows and sheep to provide input on proposed public grazing procedures prior to a final vote by the House and Senate next month. If you are a mammal with a strong herd instinct you may wish to forward comments to Department of Grazing and Sandbagging, 2998 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. If you are a female or a member of a minority simply call us collect and we will send a representative directly to you for consultation.

The federal government is particularly interested in projected impact in the Uncompahgre, Gunnison, San Juan, White River, Grand Mesa and Routt National Forests. They have received a barrage of data from the humans involved and now wish to hear from the animals.

“Who else is closer to the situation than the potential grazees?” asked Sen. Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) who was swept into office back in 1944 thanks to an almost embarrassing donation from the asphalt lobby. “We must not forget our four-legged constituency. After all they can vote too, can’t they?”

In a related story, Noise and his colleagues will take on the particularly annoying task of determining just who is covered under Barack’s new national health insurance plan. At present both the deer and elk carry only minimal Major Catastrophe policies while many of the cows and sheep are not covered at all. If the Obama plan is adopted the head bull or buck must fork out the money to cover other lesser members of the herd and their dependents.

“This will kill the concept of the independent herd,” offered Noise. “We will witness extensive layoffs as controlling elk and deer will simply let their underlings go so as to avoid this exorbitant cost. These people are completely out of touch with reality on this one,” he laughed. “Don’t they think that if the animals could afford full coverage at a comparable, fair price, without government interference, that they would already be on an insurance plan? This whole mess is sure to stimulate the economy all right. We have a lot of potential as a Third World power!”

Noise blamed what he called the Medical/Legal Complex and obstinate government deadweight for the injustices suffered by millions of uninsured Americans and added that the insurance companies are nothing more than insulated, corporate parasites who produce nothing and feed on the fears and ignorance of the public.

“Look at the massive skyscrapers, the versatile investments and the warm, clever advertisements on such big ticket items as the Super Bowl,” stabbed Noise. “Where do you think the money comes from to project such an glowing image? One can make a rat look like a swan with the right makeup and enough cash.”

Noise plans to retire next year after decades in the Senate. He intends to devote full time to sabotaging insurance companies from “Hell to Hartford,” as he puts it. In addition, he will spend one day per week counseling young deer and elk as to the dangers of gang membership.