All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

PAPER TO BROADCAST DAWN TO DUSK

(Liberty City) Despite the forced adherence to Daylight Savings Time and its inborn social ills, the San Juan Horseshoe newspaper will transmit stories while the affects of the sun are evident. Departing from the mainstream nine to five genre, the publication seeks to expand readership and increase advertising revenue while lowering electric bills.
“We don’t care what time the feds say it may be,” said Susie Compost, an under-editor at the paper. “We just take a break from our typing and look up at the sky to decide when we should eat, sleep and perform cutting edge investigative journalistic feats with lasting ramifications for a healthy compendium of prototypical paragons deemed imperative for enduring cultural progression.”
Although the Federal Communications Commission has been mute regarding this break from customary procedure, insiders expect the new guidelines to be implemented without interference.
“We will not see-saw, teeter or vacillate when it comes to the fabrication of the news,” said Compost, who still flaunts a box of 120 color crayons in her top desk drawer. “Rain or shine our readers can expect full coverage through the daylight hours and welcome quiet during the subsequent dark periods.
The Horseshoe remains the only newspaper in the Free World that watches the clock in this manner, offering the complimentary dawn to dusk service 365 days of the year. The Juneau What, its Alaskan mentor, began publishing a popular Midnight Sun Edition for insomniacs in 1989. Research suggests that Giant of Sheep Creek Newspapers, continues to pull operational and human resource strings, stretching deep into the Rockies.
– One-Tooth McCabre

Survey Error Discovered at Four Corners

(Cortez-BSNS) A team of geographers working for National Geographic Magazine has stumbled across a survey error of major significance here. The experts, comprised of elite scientists from regional academic institutions, were busy plotting the romantic relationship between Dominguez and Escalante, when the foul-up became apparent.

While studying environmental impact statements issued between 1868 and 1879, the scientists noticed a serious discrepancy in survey data that has resulted in the improper division of states at the Four Corners Monument.

The discovery is expected to have frightening impact on the lives of millions of Americans. While Democrats and Republicans blame each other for the mishap the federals are calling for an independent panel to sort out the confusion and get the topographical train back on its tracks.

Preliminary reports indicate that if you currently lived in Montrose you will now live in St Petersburg, Florida. If you lived in Crested Butte your new domicile is Stone Mountain, Georgia. If you live in Silverton you now live somewhere in Canada while former residents of Ridgway will get their mail in Uzbekistan.

Other changes will be announced as they emerge. We are sorry to be the bearer of bad news as far as private property laws and gerrymandering.

Feds Confiscate Sticks and Stones

(Washington) Rogue elements within the FBI and the ATF are calling for the seizure of sticks and stones to discourage popular uprisings on the domestic front. Agents would collect the potential weapons, which are generally found lying around all over the ground, before they land in the wrong hands.
“We live in a time when nuclear terrorism is only a breath away,” said a proponent of the move. “We have banned assault rifles, limited the sale of handguns and, in more progressive domains, have outlawed fireworks. Despite our sterling efforts crime is up. We have a sacred duty to a tired, apathetic public to show these criminal elements that we mean business,” she stomped.
The national crackdown on sticks and stones will begin in the lightly populated Rocky Mountains, where unlimited supplies of the instruments of combat are highly accessible.
“The place is teeming with weapons,” said the supporter of this action. “We can implement our plan town by town without a lot of undue publicity.”
The citizenry has been warned to stay in their homes until the authorities manage to secure gravel pits and round up lumber fanatics who sell firewood. No curfew has been set although that possibility has been discussed and may be enacted Tuesday.
“As we speak, in remote forests and unassuming parking lots the seeds of violence are sown,” said the source. “Look at the rest of the world. Do you want to be like that?”
According to the proposed plan the stones would be used to build prisons and the sticks would be sold to resource-hungry Japan. – Rocky Flats

Dangers of Secondhand Hot Air Told

(Denver) The Colorado Department of has issued a rare warning on secondhand hot air in a non-election year. Citing the millions of dollars spent in the state by candidates and special interests in 2012, the state agency suggested that no prospective change is in the wings and that the results of that most recent election will lead to no constructive campaign reform.
“It’s just like blowing smoke in a classic sense, inconsiderate, dangerous, but still legal in this country,”said department spokesman, Mona Wrinkle. “Every four years voters cut off their noses to spite their faces, but we still retain this stone age pork barrel comprehension of change. People are at risk from this continued barrage of hot air and don’t know what to do about it. The problems all start from the top but the poorly informed electorate drop the ball,” she gasped.
Wrinkle also said that secondhand hot air has been deemed harmful by a slew of state and local agencies all over the country but legislation to correct the threat is far from a reality.
“The proverbial smokey back room is still full of hot air and remains in vogue,” she began. “In the Senate, in the House, in the Oval Office and down on Main Street we hear nothing but calculated opinions and more of the same promises. Every election sees the American voter plagued with misdirections and hype that leads to more of the same ridiculous folly.”
The health people say they cannot control the system but that they seek to alleviate the source of the antagonism. Exposure to hot air has been blamed for illogical response in the voting booth.
“All politicians are full of it,” said Wrinkle. “It’s the nature of the beast as it were. We’re simply trying to protect the people from immediate health risks. We are not politically affiliated.”
The health department hopes to combat these dangers by banning political attacks in public places where people are most likely to be exposed to hot air. They have already designated sensitive areas as hot air sections where no politician is welcome and discouraged the outright purchase of candidates by special interests in and out of the United States.
“In addition we have helped to educate children as to the disaster of basing decisions on political jargon and especially promises made by people trying to get elected to everything from President to dog catcher.”
Wrinkle then warned of a little known phenomenon called post traumatic election syndrome which occurs when voters realize that, despite the propaganda, their vote really means nothing in the grand scheme of things and that the current system eats its young. Although no clinical counseling is available at this time Wrinkle told The Horseshoethat she and her staff are there for voters who need to turn the corner on this growing health hazard.
– Gabby Haze

Cabin on Cinnamon Pass between Lake City and Silverton

Cabin on Cinnamon Pass between Silverton and Lake City

Montrose High to go Vegetarian

Montrose High School students this week voted overwhelmingly to adopt a strict vegetarian platform with regards to dining on campus. The emerging blueprint calls for adherence to a vegetarian diet to be followed by all personnel prone to eat lunch on the premises.
“No more will we see the hoards of carnivores massed in the cafeteria gobbling down burgers and tacos…unless they are produced with soy bean or tofu fillers,” said one alleged vegan administrator. The school is the first in its category to adopt what proponents of the action call a progressive approach to institutional and academic nutrition.
“Sure, we are seeing stragglers and feet draggers that still cross the street in search of meat for the mid-day meal,” said the suspected vegan, “but considering the fact that motorists do not yield to pedestrians in crosswalks here, we expect that behavior to subside.”
Community reaction was muffled in that there was a sale at the local Wal-Mart. One man, calling himself a vanguard of freedom called the action communist and socialist. He likened the victual development to attempts to create marijuana dispensaries in the town where legal pharmaceutical addicts and throwback reefer madness stalwarts voted down the proposed measure last year.
It was not clear at press time how this development will effect food vendors and in particular a longterm contract with local beef producers such as Tom Collins Farms and the prestigious Calf Liver Institute which has bestowed scholarships worth hundreds of dollars since 1984.
– Carly Provender