All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Dr. Whispbottom Promoted

(Montrose) Dr. J. Entrails Whispbottom, of the Nucla Whispbottoms, was promoted to chief surgeon at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital here. The speedy action ensued after hospital executives discovered that outgoing surgical boss Marvin DelFisher had never finished high school. His only real medical experience came in 1954 when he successfully pulled a three-penny nail out of his younger brother Earl’s forehead.

“He dressed and acted just like a doctor,” said one hospital source, “and nobody bothered to check any further.”

DelFisher had been working a second job as house detective at the Montrose Police Department and was having trouble staying awake during tedious surgical procedures.

Whispbottom vaulted to celebrity status after the release of his thesis which expels myths as to the relationship between alcohol intake and diaper rash. His Postulate PP shattered previous conjecture that the irritation was a consequence of punitive measures introduced during the Spanish Inquisition.

“If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her convicts she doesn’t deserve to have any.” – Oscar Wilde, while standing in chains in the rain waiting deportation to a London prison for a host of sexual deviations.

“Mamas don’t let your cowboys grow up to be babies.”  

– Slim Tinkleholland

You and Your Back

By Dr. Simon P. Lackluster, M.D.
One of the nations most frequent medical complaints is the common backache. Throughout history, this one malady has had more conjecture as to its’ cause than almost any other problem to cross a practitioners desk. Reasons include lifting wrong, strain, incorrect bending, twisting and a myriad of other possibilities. The common layman must think the profession has been sorely lacking in its’ methods of determining the acts which bring backache on.
Recent new research into this area, however, has convinced a large number of doctors that the true reason is more closely akin to posture than any other.
Studies just completed by Dr. Slip and Professor Disc indicate that the major source of back trouble is due to man’s curious habit of walking upright. As proof they point out that snakes and alligators never have back complaints, and with their elongated spinal cords it would seem to be a common occurrence. However, they point out, these animals never walk upright.
Furthermore, in thousands of interviews throughout the country they never heard of one normally born child complaining of back ailments until after they had learned to walk.
While it is probably too late for you, the reader, to take advantage of this discovery, it is not too late for you unborn progeny. To save them from this cruel fate, NEVER TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK!

Camping Tips

Dwight Ruffenitt of Ft Worth who will someday receive a seven-piece lawn chair dinette set compliments of someone submitted this month’s camping tip.

TIP: To improve television reception at your camping site simply use your RVs electrical system. After plugging in at your designated campsite disconnect the battery cables from the terminal of your RV’s battery, then connect the antenna wires from your television. Now the entire electrical system serves as a powerful antenna!

CAUTION: There have been numerous deaths related to this breakthrough approach to better TV reception but what the hell…you’re on vacation.

WARNING: Care must be taken that the frozen food in your refrigerator’s freezer does not thaw out while you are enjoying your favorite show.

– Dwin “King” Hevaway  

Years Ago in The Horseshoe

Baez to cut rap album
(Hollywood) In an apparent attempt to keep pace with current trends in music, legendary Sixties folk singer/activist Joan Baez is cutting her first album in two years. The disc will feature her distinctive voice in tune with a new age rap format.
“Some of my fans may feel I’m selling out or going off the deep end on this one, but in reality I’m just reflecting the artistic style of the Nineties,” said Baez. “I don’t see any conflict in presenting a political statement with a beat.”
Although the album will not be formally released until August, already critics have responded en masse, with many slamming the attempt and a few giving the effort a “thumbs up.” One New York music lover says he likes the album because Baez shows versatility and a desire to experiment with new artistic license. Another critic in Los Angeles gives the album a positive nod but places it in a humor category.
“She must be kidding,” said the critic. “For decades we’ve heard her sing about everything from the classic Joe Hill to her bittersweet romance with Bob Dylan. Now we aren’t quite sure what she is saying.”
Baez has replied to this kind of response by saying that everything she records does not have to have a heavy political message, although if one listens between the lines there is a great deal of substance to be digested.
“I think my listeners will be surprised, even put off, at first,” said Baez, “but that after repeated play the album will be appreciated for what it is. I’ve even taken some of the more popular lyrics from some of my Sixties ballads and added a methodical, driving beat. I just hope the kids like it.”

C.B. Councilman Wants Land Returned to Utes
(Crested Butte) A Crested Butte town councilman has presented a motion that some 60 acres of greenbelt property recently acquired by the town be returned to its rightful owners, who, he insists, are the Northern Utes.
“They lived here even way back before the ski area was established,” said Larry Sego. “If we are going to hold public land in trust for the future, why shouldn’t we share the wealth with the Native Americans who cherished the place?”
The Utes lived in this region for centuries leaving it as they found, it minus asphalt, condos and rampant recreational development. They were the true caretakers until about 100 years ago when the white man took over. In that time the honky has succeeded in trashing the place beyond recognition.
“I wonder if the Utes would even recognize this valley,” shrugged Sego.
Although the concept has received wide support from various environmental groups, and even some ranchers, there is still as lot of whining among realtors and develop-till-ya-puke concerns.
“This idea is not in conflict with anyone or anything,” explained Sego, who is not up for reelection in the near future. “Our long-range plans are for the construction of a casino, operated by the Utes, located just to the south of town. We are not concerned with the small profits that will come to the town as the result of such a venture. We are concerned with the big profits.”
Critics of the plan say that Sego is attempting to play both sides against the middle and that he has his eye on a County Commissar spot that may open up in 1996.
“I’m not planning to play anything but a little seven card stud,” smiled Sego, “and maybe a couple of games of Keno.”

DIA TO OPEN FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT LUGGAGE
(Denver) The Denver International Airport will open tomorrow catering to travelers who do not have baggage. The facility has experienced a scheduling nightmare due to problems with an allegedly sophisticated computer system that, by all reports, simply accounts for the status of suitcases.
“I know the whole thing has been rather absurd,” said a Denver mayoral aide Friday. “The public and the media have had field days at our expense, but they don’t realize how well things will work when we finally get all of our jets in a row.”
The entire facility will be open for business and air passengers can fly virtually anywhere on the planet from Denver, just so long as they limit their luggage to the carry-on variety.
“With some of the deals offered by the airlines, in conjunction with the “early” opening we figure that people will have enough extra cash to buy new wardrobes and other items when they arrive at their destinations,” the aide told the Horseshoe. “And if they stay away long enough they can check all their newly acquired baggage through on their return flight. We should be 100 percent open by then.”

PAPER TO BROADCAST DAWN TO DUSK

(Liberty City) Despite the forced adherence to Daylight Savings Time and its inborn social ills, the San Juan Horseshoe newspaper will transmit stories while the affects of the sun are evident. Departing from the mainstream nine to five genre, the publication seeks to expand readership and increase advertising revenue while lowering electric bills.
“We don’t care what time the feds say it may be,” said Susie Compost, an under-editor at the paper. “We just take a break from our typing and look up at the sky to decide when we should eat, sleep and perform cutting edge investigative journalistic feats with lasting ramifications for a healthy compendium of prototypical paragons deemed imperative for enduring cultural progression.”
Although the Federal Communications Commission has been mute regarding this break from customary procedure, insiders expect the new guidelines to be implemented without interference.
“We will not see-saw, teeter or vacillate when it comes to the fabrication of the news,” said Compost, who still flaunts a box of 120 color crayons in her top desk drawer. “Rain or shine our readers can expect full coverage through the daylight hours and welcome quiet during the subsequent dark periods.
The Horseshoe remains the only newspaper in the Free World that watches the clock in this manner, offering the complimentary dawn to dusk service 365 days of the year. The Juneau What, its Alaskan mentor, began publishing a popular Midnight Sun Edition for insomniacs in 1989. Research suggests that Giant of Sheep Creek Newspapers, continues to pull operational and human resource strings, stretching deep into the Rockies.
– One-Tooth McCabre

Survey Error Discovered at Four Corners

(Cortez-BSNS) A team of geographers working for National Geographic Magazine has stumbled across a survey error of major significance here. The experts, comprised of elite scientists from regional academic institutions, were busy plotting the romantic relationship between Dominguez and Escalante, when the foul-up became apparent.

While studying environmental impact statements issued between 1868 and 1879, the scientists noticed a serious discrepancy in survey data that has resulted in the improper division of states at the Four Corners Monument.

The discovery is expected to have frightening impact on the lives of millions of Americans. While Democrats and Republicans blame each other for the mishap the federals are calling for an independent panel to sort out the confusion and get the topographical train back on its tracks.

Preliminary reports indicate that if you currently lived in Montrose you will now live in St Petersburg, Florida. If you lived in Crested Butte your new domicile is Stone Mountain, Georgia. If you live in Silverton you now live somewhere in Canada while former residents of Ridgway will get their mail in Uzbekistan.

Other changes will be announced as they emerge. We are sorry to be the bearer of bad news as far as private property laws and gerrymandering.