All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Snake Charmer…
- We could not resist posting this photo but cannot tell who is behind that horn. Dizzy Gillespie? Miles Davis? If anyone recognizes the charmer please email us.
Alaskans Relieved
(Juneau) Alaskans breathed a sigh of relief today when it became apparent that Russian nationalist, Vladimir Zhironovsky, would not attempt to seize the 49th state. Zhironovsky, a leading persona non grata in many capitals of Europe, had threatened to retake the land mass along with Finland and Poland.
“We had set up naval defenses in the Norton Sound with reserves stationed along the Kuskokwim Range,” said Jeff Brown, editor of The Juneau What, published here, in the capital. “People were really scared. It’s pretty dark up here this time of the year and we couldn’t tell if Red Army units had crossed the Bering Straight or if the whole thing was just a lot of political bulldozing.”
Brown told The Horseshoe that most of the firearms dealers had sold out of bullets by last week and that most of the state’s private airplanes remained in the air expecting an attack at any minute.
The almost 600,000 square mile Alaska, now known as the “Last Frontier”, was purchased from the Russian Tsar for a paltry $7,200,000 by the United States in 1867. Secretary William Seward negotiated the purchase as fellow citizens poked fun at the acquisition calling it “Seward’s Folly” and/or “Seward’s Icebox”. It was only through the discovery of gold in the region in the late 19th Century that America realized what it had stumbled upon.
When reminded that Vladimir Putin and not Vladimir Zhironovsky was in control of the Russian military Brown insisted that, nonetheless, his fellow citizens would remain on alert.
“Those Ruskies all look alike to me,” he gestured. “Besides that we get a little bored during January and the threat of total destruction really got us all jacked up. It provided a needed break from the monotony that winter can present.”
When contacted in Moscow Zhironovsky denied ever threatening his neighbor to the east saying that he only meant to placate the ultra right-wing by throwing them a scrap or two. According to a recent account in the German mouthpiece, Welt am Sonntag, Zhironovsky plans to visit Alaska in July to do some salmon fishing if he can obtain the proper credentials. – Mel Toole
FINBAR REMAINS IN BELLY OF WHALE
(Cork) Gaelic mariner and self-proclaimed discoverer of America, Finbar the Sailor, remains lodged in the belly of a large blue whale according to sources here. The infamous salt has been in that capacity since before Christmas.
Although communication has been all but nonexistent since that time, scientists studying the phenomenon feel that Finbar is still alive due to atypical, sporadic acts on the part of the marine mammal.
“We don’t think the whale meant to eat Finbar,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a British marine biologist assigned to the case. “It was just a case of being at the wrong place at the right time and looking a lot like lunch. The whale would probably have preferred fish and chips to that gasbag Mick,” the Englishman offered.
The Republic of Ireland has pledged to call in an assortment of experts including Jacques Cousteau, to aid in Finbar’s rescue. Already a convoy of French battleships is anchored of the coast in apprehension of Finbar’s release. They plan to dump gallons of green champagne overboard in the hopes that the host animal might consume the stuff and burp, thus expediting an uneventful release of the seaman.
Friends say that the Irish sailor will be disgorged whenever he, or the whale, gets around to it. Critics say his predicament is of his own doing. “He’s always been fascinated by the Biblical account of Jonah and the Whale and now he’s got a ring-side seat for all the action. It’s just one more of his cheap publicity stunts,” said Mona Kelp, of Save the Whales. “I, for one, say leave him in there!” – Gloria de Quirk
POSTAL WORKERS ON SABBATICAL
(Washington) After a flurry of activity over the holidays some 40,000 postal workers will journey to Peru for a much needed rest. While relaxing in the South American country the workers will study the behavior of Peruvian postal workers, a group which never succumbs to stress. In many remote Peruvian mountain areas the mail is often weeks late and some packages never arrive at all, but no one seems to mind. In fact, most of the natives there deliver their own mail. “People in the United States are spoiled,” said one organizer of the trip. “We could learn a lot by observing postal practices in South America.”
Dr. Whispbottom Promoted
(Montrose) Dr. J. Entrails Whispbottom, of the Nucla Whispbottoms, was promoted to chief surgeon at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital here. The speedy action ensued after hospital executives discovered that outgoing surgical boss Marvin DelFisher had never finished high school. His only real medical experience came in 1954 when he successfully pulled a three-penny nail out of his younger brother Earl’s forehead.
“He dressed and acted just like a doctor,” said one hospital source, “and nobody bothered to check any further.”
DelFisher had been working a second job as house detective at the Montrose Police Department and was having trouble staying awake during tedious surgical procedures.
Whispbottom vaulted to celebrity status after the release of his thesis which expels myths as to the relationship between alcohol intake and diaper rash. His Postulate PP shattered previous conjecture that the irritation was a consequence of punitive measures introduced during the Spanish Inquisition.
“If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her convicts she doesn’t deserve to have any.” – Oscar Wilde, while standing in chains in the rain waiting deportation to a London prison for a host of sexual deviations.
“Mamas don’t let your cowboys grow up to be babies.”
– Slim Tinkleholland
You and Your Back
By Dr. Simon P. Lackluster, M.D.
One of the nations most frequent medical complaints is the common backache. Throughout history, this one malady has had more conjecture as to its’ cause than almost any other problem to cross a practitioners desk. Reasons include lifting wrong, strain, incorrect bending, twisting and a myriad of other possibilities. The common layman must think the profession has been sorely lacking in its’ methods of determining the acts which bring backache on.
Recent new research into this area, however, has convinced a large number of doctors that the true reason is more closely akin to posture than any other.
Studies just completed by Dr. Slip and Professor Disc indicate that the major source of back trouble is due to man’s curious habit of walking upright. As proof they point out that snakes and alligators never have back complaints, and with their elongated spinal cords it would seem to be a common occurrence. However, they point out, these animals never walk upright.
Furthermore, in thousands of interviews throughout the country they never heard of one normally born child complaining of back ailments until after they had learned to walk.
While it is probably too late for you, the reader, to take advantage of this discovery, it is not too late for you unborn progeny. To save them from this cruel fate, NEVER TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK!
Camping Tips
Dwight Ruffenitt of Ft Worth who will someday receive a seven-piece lawn chair dinette set compliments of someone submitted this month’s camping tip.
TIP: To improve television reception at your camping site simply use your RVs electrical system. After plugging in at your designated campsite disconnect the battery cables from the terminal of your RV’s battery, then connect the antenna wires from your television. Now the entire electrical system serves as a powerful antenna!
CAUTION: There have been numerous deaths related to this breakthrough approach to better TV reception but what the hell…you’re on vacation.
WARNING: Care must be taken that the frozen food in your refrigerator’s freezer does not thaw out while you are enjoying your favorite show.
– Dwin “King” Hevaway
Years Ago in The Horseshoe
Baez to cut rap album
(Hollywood) In an apparent attempt to keep pace with current trends in music, legendary Sixties folk singer/activist Joan Baez is cutting her first album in two years. The disc will feature her distinctive voice in tune with a new age rap format.
“Some of my fans may feel I’m selling out or going off the deep end on this one, but in reality I’m just reflecting the artistic style of the Nineties,” said Baez. “I don’t see any conflict in presenting a political statement with a beat.”
Although the album will not be formally released until August, already critics have responded en masse, with many slamming the attempt and a few giving the effort a “thumbs up.” One New York music lover says he likes the album because Baez shows versatility and a desire to experiment with new artistic license. Another critic in Los Angeles gives the album a positive nod but places it in a humor category.
“She must be kidding,” said the critic. “For decades we’ve heard her sing about everything from the classic Joe Hill to her bittersweet romance with Bob Dylan. Now we aren’t quite sure what she is saying.”
Baez has replied to this kind of response by saying that everything she records does not have to have a heavy political message, although if one listens between the lines there is a great deal of substance to be digested.
“I think my listeners will be surprised, even put off, at first,” said Baez, “but that after repeated play the album will be appreciated for what it is. I’ve even taken some of the more popular lyrics from some of my Sixties ballads and added a methodical, driving beat. I just hope the kids like it.”
C.B. Councilman Wants Land Returned to Utes
(Crested Butte) A Crested Butte town councilman has presented a motion that some 60 acres of greenbelt property recently acquired by the town be returned to its rightful owners, who, he insists, are the Northern Utes.
“They lived here even way back before the ski area was established,” said Larry Sego. “If we are going to hold public land in trust for the future, why shouldn’t we share the wealth with the Native Americans who cherished the place?”
The Utes lived in this region for centuries leaving it as they found, it minus asphalt, condos and rampant recreational development. They were the true caretakers until about 100 years ago when the white man took over. In that time the honky has succeeded in trashing the place beyond recognition.
“I wonder if the Utes would even recognize this valley,” shrugged Sego.
Although the concept has received wide support from various environmental groups, and even some ranchers, there is still as lot of whining among realtors and develop-till-ya-puke concerns.
“This idea is not in conflict with anyone or anything,” explained Sego, who is not up for reelection in the near future. “Our long-range plans are for the construction of a casino, operated by the Utes, located just to the south of town. We are not concerned with the small profits that will come to the town as the result of such a venture. We are concerned with the big profits.”
Critics of the plan say that Sego is attempting to play both sides against the middle and that he has his eye on a County Commissar spot that may open up in 1996.
“I’m not planning to play anything but a little seven card stud,” smiled Sego, “and maybe a couple of games of Keno.”
DIA TO OPEN FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT LUGGAGE
(Denver) The Denver International Airport will open tomorrow catering to travelers who do not have baggage. The facility has experienced a scheduling nightmare due to problems with an allegedly sophisticated computer system that, by all reports, simply accounts for the status of suitcases.
“I know the whole thing has been rather absurd,” said a Denver mayoral aide Friday. “The public and the media have had field days at our expense, but they don’t realize how well things will work when we finally get all of our jets in a row.”
The entire facility will be open for business and air passengers can fly virtually anywhere on the planet from Denver, just so long as they limit their luggage to the carry-on variety.
“With some of the deals offered by the airlines, in conjunction with the “early” opening we figure that people will have enough extra cash to buy new wardrobes and other items when they arrive at their destinations,” the aide told the Horseshoe. “And if they stay away long enough they can check all their newly acquired baggage through on their return flight. We should be 100 percent open by then.”
