with Melvin O’Toole

CANDIDATES WAVING AT WHOM?

During this and all election years the image of a smiling, waving politician intrudes relentlessly into our grey matter. Impeccably packaged, this highly charged hopeful parades around lip servicing the issues, one eye in the mirror and one on the prompter.

But who are they waving at? Nobody in particular, say campaign watchdogs, who add that the robotic interaction is practiced right along with the right smile, the right swagger, a knowing wink and the right applied compassion.

“All this waving in the air at nobody parallels the big charade these pseudo-elections often portray,” said Syd Pennywhistle of Body Language Starts with You, a lobby cluster for the exercise and ankle weight industry. “If the candidates were really waving at someone in particular we might actually see a whisper of accountability after the polls shut down.”

Pennywhistle adds that in recent years fewer people in the audiences have been waving back leading political analysts to believe that the electorate is having trouble connecting to its leaders.

“Politicos have always been far more concerned with voter perception than decisions based on performance. ” he explained, “and waving at the walls and ceilings seems to be an appropriate gesture.”

Bear Shock Collar Could be Solution

For years mountain towns have been invaded by hungry bears in search of a meal this time of the year. That sustenance could come as a bag of human-generated garbage, an unattended late afternoon barbecue or even as a small pet.

A recent letter to the Aspen Daily News outlines a bold, new plan to install shock collars around the necks of offending bruins. Bears would be anesthetized, tagged, examined and collared by authorities in each locale. Then residents would be given remote push-button devices with which to send a charge to the neck of the furry intruder.

While this approach could be an effective, albeit cumbersome, solution it also creates potential budgetary and procedural problems. Aside from offending animal rights advocates the practice could be expensive, unduly punitive and downright dangerous.

Plus, if history is our witness, the bear might soon build up a resistance to the shock and, in some cases, may associate it with food (See Pavlov’s Bear studies). Maybe the plan goes too far, or maybe not far enough.

The suggestion has generated a response from the Uncompahgre Valley where the problem grows with the gentrification of mountain towns and the bear population. A letter from Colona says:

“We realize that Colona is perceived by ski barons and their serfs as the North Korea of Colorado however our solution to the bear problem is valid. For years people here have attached shock collars around the private parts of the animals in hope of creating the strongest impact when charged. The practice of wrapping the collar tightly around the testicles of the boar, although rarely implemented, is thought to have some merit while this approach to the sow appears to have little or no value at all. Over the years we have had trouble convincing the bears to cooperate with this crude application even though in the end it is to their direct benefit. We laud your progressive approach to bruin discouragement which is a far better idea than the current plan to cede large tracts of Utah and Wyoming to these monsters.

Masterpieces Stolen

An array of priceless art masterpieces have been reportedly stolen from a downtown Colona gallery today leaving curators stunned and the population feeling violated. The bold heist was perpetuated during daylight hours, despite a security vigil maintained round the clock by the Blue Belles, a militant canning unit attached to the light infantry battalion at nearby Fort Crawford.

The value of the stolen art items was not clear at press time.

Police remain baffled as to why thieves did not hijack the life-size mural entitled Wonder Woman of Log Hill Mesa which was displayed at the museum. Conjecture has it that the unframed, delicate mural might have been too difficult for the thieves to unload due to size and subject matter. Craft critics agree that the loss of this piece would have delivered a crushing blow to the local art community.

An admittedly incomplete inventory of the missing classics has listed an Elsa Saint Vincent Monet, two faded Vincent Van Gundys, a collection of Candy Warhol nesting oils depicting migrations on Dexter Creek, and an extended collection of Joey Piccaso charcoal etchings made in Silverton during the expulsion of the Chinese in 1902.

Responding to a mid-afternoon alarm, police found a badly torn Lenny da Vinci watercolor and sketches allegedly made by Junior Matisse, a celebrated law enforcement officer known for outstanding brushwork, and, as readers will certainly recall, the earliest gothic portrayal of Dogs Playing Poker in North America.

The only other brazen theft of this magnitude occurred in 1981 when two six packs of Coors and a cardboard cut-out of Marilyn Monroe were lifted from the Colona Store while the owners were out chasing cows.

LOST PETS…

A badly matted Mohican Westfield terrier was lost in the vicinity of the Colona marijuana dispensary on Friday. The 40-pound male, who is missing one eye,  goes by the name of Spike, but don’t call him that as it makes him aggressive.

A Newfoundland mix who goes by the name of Rhonda was reported missing yesterday. Owners say she could be traveling in the company of a truck driving chihuahua named Les and is most likely attired in a slinky black cocktail dress. Reward.

A border collie with a PhD. went missing earlier in the week after teaching a weekly calculus, nuclear physics and thermodynamics class at the Wimpton Library. A graduate of the highly accredited Paper Training for the Gifted, the canine was last seen getting into a late model Toyota with New Jersey plates.

Remember: Illegal transport of erotic birds over international waters is a class seven felony punishable by fines and imprisonment. Persons receiving these species are responsible for cleanup.