Author Archive for M. Toole
St Roscoe’s Apologizes for Flu Serum, Viagra Mixup
(Montrose) How it happened, or more specifically why a sexual enhancement product was on these hallowed shelves at all is the big question being asked in hospital corridors this morning.
Following yesterday’s frightening episode, where flu shot enthusiasts were given viagra instead of the regular serum they wanted, officials here are still trying to sort things out. How anyone could mistake one for the other is beyond belief according to patients and doctors who are calling for a thorough investigation.
Whether persons seeking viagra were administered flu serum had not been established at the time of this writing.
“Although we did not receive so much as one complaint from flu shot patients we knew something was wrong,” said Dr Phillip Lackluster of the College of Surgeons here.
“Normally persons receiving a flu shot exhibit slight drowsiness and lightheadedness following the unnecessary and barbaric procedure of injecting disease directly into their veins. These patients did not.
One emergency room official who was quick to point out that she had nothing to do with the foul up in the supply room said she thought a conspiracy was to blame.
“A lot of people are angry over the pharmaceutical-insurance-hospital complex and the subsequent costs of health care,” she said. People are capable of tricks like this. People can be mean when they see they are getting screwed while others are getting rich off their misery.”
She stopped short of calling the mishap an inside job adding that countless persons have access to pharmaceuticals at St Roscoe’s.
“It’s a hospital, duh,” she snapped.
But every cloud may have a silver lining.
“None of the patients who took viagra has come down with the flu,” smiled Lackluster, acknowledging that it was still early and that identifying and erection of symptoms alone could last more than four hours.” -Warren of Wexley
For a related story turn to Venus de Milo Arms Sales Anger Milanese on Page 46
New Chinese Regime Reaches Out to Colonese
(Colona) Outgoing Chinese leader Hu Jintao has joined with Beijing’s new government appealing to Colona consumers to drop their 12-year boycott on Chinese made goods. Lambasting “critical errors in judgment” Jintao offered a roster of undisclosed concessions that his successor Xi would implement, if the dissent against the importation of non-tariff Chinese goods would simply cease.
Stopping short of admitting the effectiveness of the ban on Chinese products within Colona, the former former Communist Party boss promised to pave the Colorado town’s streets, build tennis courts and open an egg roll factory, “which would employ up to 50 persons”, on the site of an empty restaurant on Highway 550 at the entrance to town.
Asian economists say that the surprisingly stubborn boycott of Chinese goods in Colona has had a crippling effect on China’s GNP and hasn’t helped that country’s IFS, PGI and WEO either.
“One doesn’t have to crumble a fortune cookie to see that China is vulnerable to these kinds of grass roots movements,” said G. Buddy Dharma, a former lobbyist who now operates a Panda rescue mission in Taiwan. “When Colona started the original protests we all laughed but now we see what a micro community can do when its people are motivated.”
In a somewhat related development the United States has announced that it will send seven million tons of campaign signage and literature to the Asian nation in return for currency stabilization and primary assurances that China will undress human rights issues in the coming year.
“We are sending the election debris so as to teach the Chinese about democracy,” continued Dharma., “even though we know the government will use it to stoke coal-fired industries and beef up the Great Wall. We tried this approach in the Mideast in 2004 and in Africa in 2008 with mixed results but China is a different cup of lotus blossoms.”
Dharma said that the very mass of cardboard and paper shipped east will serve as a reminder to the Communists that one cannot buy an election.Accompanying this slogan cargo will be Donald Trump and Karl Rove. A spokesman insinuated that the pair may remain in China indefinitely attempting to create inroads within the wealthy 2 percent in that nation.
“These days there is more freedom to be filthy rich in China than in the United States,” he said. “We look for a major migration of rich developers and investment bankers to the East and ultimately a hostile takeover of the country by 2015.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Colorado Loses Zoo License
(Denver) Lingering budget cuts within the state treasury have precipitated the expiration of Colorado’s long held National Zoo License which legitimizes the hosting of over 300 animal species in the woods and forests of the Centennial State. Fees paid to the federal government, reportedly located somewhere on the East Coast, have been in the rubber stamp category since Teddy Roosevelt was President.
Sources here expressed frustration over the loss of the prestigious beast status which has for over a century allowed Colorado to claim bear, lion, wolves, elk, moose and wolverines in the roster of residents. The wild creatures have been a source of pride to many much like the Centennial State’s sunny skies and miles of wilderness.
“The license has now expired,” said one Division of Wildlife official, “and we figure our jobs will be the next to go. Imagine our mountains without deer and elk, without sage grouse and ptarmigans. I can’t imagine that they fish are happy. Even the birds and the bees could be forced out before the end of the year.”
It was not clear if trout and Kokanee would fall under a protective umbrella since they are reputedly cold blooded and interstate in nature. Already Utah and New Mexico have moved to welcome mammals living near their borders with Wyoming expected to join these ranks by the weekend.
“We have our on four-leafed wards to deal with, said Flora Terch, an animal behaviorist from Santa Fe. “Our welfare rolls are already overburdened with too many needy animals, but we cannot sit back and watch these pathetic creatures wander around aimlessly or go without. They could end up in Oklahoma where they would be shot and eaten on sight.”
Colorado officials estimate that homes will be needed for about 300,000 displaced animals who will no longer be protected here.
It will be difficult to place some of the larger predators,” said Terch, “and we fear that natural selection, regulated populations. seasonal mating, and ancient migratory patterns will never return.”
Not everyone is upset about this fiscal adjustment.
“We have grown sick and tired of these deadbeat wildlife freeloaders carried by the rest of us taxpayers,” said Andrew Stripmalle, a Front Range developer. “People can hardly live the good life with all these fury beggars about.”
Many here have seen this situation coming for quite sometime. Fires and encroachment by suburbs and trophy dream homes have put the animals uptight but most seem to have adapted and figured they’d be living here forever.
“I guess they should have talked to the Utes,” said the DOW source.
– Fred Zeppelin
NORTH DAKOTA EYEBALLS SOUTH
(Bismarck) First it was the Yankees, then the North Koreans, then Ho Chi Minh. Now it’s North Dakota, which continues to hold provocative military exercises along the Missouri River near the border of the two states.
The increasingly belligerent tone, sent down from Fargo industrial spheres, calculates that North Dakota covets massive granite and limestone deposits in the South and would think nothing of a little jingoistic adventure to secure the wealth.
The only calculated resources in the impoverished reaches of North Korea are oil and gold.
“How many times have we witnessed the northern neighbor attacking its southern counterpart?” asked a noted political scientist at the now defunct Yankton College in South Dakota. “The prescribed reason, whether valid, concocted or based on methodical animosities is often a menacing charade in which people are lost and possessions are broken.”
Sources in Fargo insist that the entire confrontation has been precipitated by weapons research allegedly being conducted miles underground near Spearfish.
“If thy are perfecting missiles they could aim them at us so we had better smash them first,” said General Worthington Bulbous, a retired Merchant Marine captain who, having lost his fascination with the sea settled here and has ascended the ranks of the Pea Party during these days of saber rattling and verbal skirmishes.
The jackleg government of the United States, which claims sovereignty over both Dakotas appears to be have caught with its integrative pants down. That federal palliator has been mute on the issue thus far despite pleas from both sides for help with reconciliation.
“It’s simple enough,” said the Yankton double-dome. “The semi-industrial totalitarian North seeks to unify the Dakotas into one entity, annexing the free-wheeling, bucolic South, gobbling up the cultural mores that make it distinct in the national tableau.”
To complicate the issue Canadian Mounties have been massing along the international border hoping to prevent imperious jaunts from spilling over into Saskatchewan and Manitoba and threatening the lucrative natural gas puckworks in Winnipeg. – Tommy Middlefinger
Toole named sixth man
(Mañana, CO) Editor Abstemious Melvin “I Never Said That” Toole was named Sixth Man today, narrowly winning out over some 200 qualified personages applying for the work in a tough economy. The position, which could start as early as next week, effectively sentences the piquant scribe to what insiders call coming off the bench.
“We do not know what this Sixth Man will do or won’t do,” said a close aide, “but our man Toole is up for the challenge.”
The undisclosed salary and signing bonus are estimated to be more than half that of the starters and twice that of the average salary in the Land of the Free in 2012. Toole, who has waited in the wings before, told reporters he is excited about his new role and, with this opportunity, hopes to break into the starting lineup before long.
A rhythmic base stealer, nose tackle and epicurean rebounder since graduating from Police State, back before harnessed electricity, the 101-year-old represents an innovative breed of specialty performer and ignites the hopes and dreams of older Americans who still seek to compete in the eternal arena.
“We don’t think his academic record had much to do with this appointment,” said the aide. “It was more a result of his willingness to jump in and fill holes while looking good in a cap and clipboard. His potential as a dugout jockey has yet to be realized.”
Toole has admitted that he has no clue as to the context of the Sixth Man status but that it was “certainly a step up from Seventh Man”.
“The job description is still not clear and we hope that basic responsibilities and duties will become more defined at the end of camp,” said a spokesman. “Either way it’s quite an accomplishment.” – Gabby Haze
People who live on dirt roads far happier souls
(Djibouti) Human beings who reside on earthen paths tend to be better adjusted and more capable of dealing with life’s often shoddy handouts than counterparts who dwell on asphalt. According to an exhausting study compiled by Vacant Lot Magazine, persons who find themselves on more natural footing are healthier and more energetic. The study did not consider cross references to sand and bare feet in the appraisal.
The data harvested herein reflects on daily rituals of persons living in the rural western United States and those merely existing on the fringe waiting for something of value to occur before lunch.
Conducted as part of the entrance requirements for the freshman class at Western State Colorado University of Gunnison, the examination asks the question: Do you expect to grow corn after the asphalt is down? It in no way attempts to explain dust particles, chuckholes or intrusive rocks on the surface but rather to determine the state of bliss for a small control group oblivious to the benefits inherent to dirt road living.
“This is not a geological undertaking,” said one professor here. “It is strictly sociological.”
Since earlier this summer groups of prospective WSC students have interviewed hundreds of people living between Parlin and Paradox recording responses to questions about dirt roads and happiness. At present the group is bivouacked in front of the Ridgway Post Office, acknowledged gateway to some of the finest dirt roads in the nation. Tomorrow the group will ride dirt bikes to downtown Redvale’s backstreets which are said to straddle the 38th Parallel on its winding way toward Disappointment Canyon. They are then slated to spend the evening at the Christian Fellowship Church just west of Bob’s Paving and Live Bait.
“A lot of people think this study is ludicrous,” said the faculty advisor, “and then there’s the ones who just think it’s stupid.” – Sergio Jingles
