ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY

We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to un-ruffle a few feathers once more. First of all, allow us to set the record straight.

The short piece appearing in the November issue lambasting the elf and his heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really never had lewd photographs of Groppo dancing with local politicians. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest.

We were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of Melvin Toole hanging Christmas lights at the one of our burgeoning number of local prisons.

Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented only in context so as not to endanger the reputations of thirsty citizens who often imbibe with elves, gnomes and fairies over the holidays.

Accusations that the elf’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of chocolate-covered bombardier beetles, hoarded crawfish Twinkies and strained swamp grass digested while growing up south of the airport in Kenner, Louisiana, is true. Our further deductions can be verified by consulting the sister-in-law of his late dietician, and therefore shall not be introduced in this piece.

Feeble attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are unfounded and backstabbing . We never said that his immediate family are drug addicts, only that the current climbers on his squalid family tree were pathetic junkies and weak substance abusers. We never really said they were “juicers” either since most no doubt distill their own juniper, corn, potato and barley juice and swill on the porch, thus their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.

Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide. – Editor