WORLD BRIEFS

ASTRONAUT TO ACCOMPANY SANTA

(Cape Kennedy) Despite the stress of of the sojourn, 91-year-old John Glenn says he’ll go ahead with plans to travel with Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. A spokesman for Glenn told The Horseshoe that even though Glenn was feeling “a little older” than he was during the space shuttle Discovery’s return to earth, he would be on board Santa’s sleigh, cruising rooftops, dropping into chimneys along with the jolly old elf himself on December 24.

“The senator feels fine and is looking forward to his next historical rendezvous,” said the spokesman who added that the flight would encourage more people to believe in Santa Claus and to vote intelligently.

PEMEX TO DROP BEANIE BABIES

(Oaxaca) The Pemex Corporation announced today that it would be bombing Mexico with Beanie Babies for Christmas. The state-owned oil concern says the airlift is nothing more than a holiday gesture aimed at loyal customers and the poor. Critics say Pemex, the nation’s number one bad boy with regards to the environment, is attempting to create a diversion and distract Mexico from her growing problems.

“We just want to make sure every child in Mexico has a Beanie Baby for Christmas,” said Sergio DeLeone, of Pemex.

He did not respond when asked how many of the toys that would take. He was still be calculating on his fingers at press time.

“Pemex is in bed with the government but the only ones asleep are the citizens of Mexico,” said one Zapatista who demanded anonymity. “In fact Pemex is the government and the government is Pemex.”

Most children interviewed in Mexico said Beanie Babies were stupid and out of sync with what is happening.

Gates Buys Christmas

(Seattle) Millionaire computer nerd, Bill Gates, has reportedly acquired the rights to Christmas. The takeover, not particularly hostile as yet, occurred early this morning before all the good little boys and girls were awake. Associates and alleged Fifth Columnists in the North Pole were quickly informed and the transfer of power went smoothly without incident. It is not known what Gates plans to do with the holiday or what fate awaits several of the key players in its luny legacy.

Traditional Yuletide enthusiasts fear that Gates may attempt to install a secular steering committee due to statements regarding the alleged wise men and the no vacancy status in Bethlehem on December 24 so long ago.

“Mr. Gates has repeatedly slammed the Three Kings as computer illiterate saying that none could operate even the simplest laptop, especially from a moving camel,” said an aide. “Mr. Gates thinks the gold, frankincense and myrrh business was just a cover for extended corporate bungling. He says that’s why the wise men came from so far in the middle of the night.”

In closing the aide said that if the manger would have had a functioning electronic reservation program there would not have been a vacancy problem at the inn.

“Imagine the lost revenue from the time of Moses,” winced the aide.