ROCKY MOUNTAIN MAMMARIES

with Estelle Marmotbreath

Ms. Marmotbreath is away from her desk hunting lichen and documenting kookaburra sightings near Alice Springs this month. Instead of her gallant dirt-dishing memoirs we will present a series of highlights from her more notable columns of the past. She will be back at her desk Monday unless she is eaten by an emu.

 Saloon Owners Will Perform Weddings

(Telluride, 1887) Due to a shortage of ministers and other clergy the recently established town of Telluride agreed to allow saloon owners to marry people. The described ordinance, passed unanimously by the initial town council, spelled out the particulars going to some length to protect saloonists from future reprisals and setting precedent on fees for such services. Ships captains and barbers had been recognized as legal representatives of the state in these matters and will continue to hold these powers until the more preachers move to town. The town’s only registered man of the cloth, a Parson Hogg of Baker’s Park, journeys over Ophir Pass twice monthly but is distracted by the gambling halls and has missed many ceremonies since the beginning of the year.

 Biting Judge To Appeal

(Montrose) Circus Judge Melvin Toolini was held in contempt of court by his own hand today, arresting himself and sentencing himself to thirty years hard labor. Toolini, who gained halting prominence in 1895 for biting off the ear lobe of a defendant who spat on his floor, had no comment. Last month Toolini bit the nose of a prosecuting attorney when the latter failed to approach the bench to petition the judge as to the former’s lunch plans. In his most recent outrage the 97-year-old referee has been accused of gnawing on his court reporter’s leg and nibbling on a key defense witness, an attractive corned beef sandwich. The munching magistrate, a convicted lady killer and indentured engineer, plans an appeal.

 Zippers Big in Coal Mines

(Crested Butte) The use of clothing zippers has more than doubled since W.L. Judson invented the contraption in 1891. Miners agree that the zipper is safer and easier to operate than hooks, buttons or string. Mine superintendents, in keeping with new safety regulations plan a zipper safety seminar after a few more loads of coal are extracted from what locals call the Jokerville Mine.

 Town Runs Away With the Circus

(Ridgway) Despite the death of one of its leading citizens the entire town of Ridgway has reportedly run away to join the circus this month. The Barnum and Bailey Big Top had been barely dismantled  when residents of Dallas filed a missing person’s report with the town of Portland. After a brief flirtation with stardom the residents of Ridgway grew tired of life on the road. They returned in time for the funeral of noted medicine show cleric, Dangerous Dan Larue who, collectively inebriated, had been rehearsing a scene from the Old Testament with several less than willing lions. He was devoured, his potion recipes lost forever in the belly of the beasts. His son, Dwit, was later elected to the local school board.