State to sell off dysfunctional citizens

(Montrose) The State of Colorado will begin a long awaited rummage sale focusing on citizens who do not participate or in any way contribute to society. Taking almost obsessive measures to safeguard the population as a whole gov’ment venders will follow strict guidelines in an attempt to move inventory and make room for new models coming out daily.
The Mega Clearance of “people who just stand around with their hands in their pockets, getting in the way of people who are trying to perform what they define as daily tasks” will begin tomorrow in an assortment of hastily erected tents all over the Centennial State.
In limited pre-sale exchanges dysfunctional people from the Front Range were selling better than projected while hicks from Eastern Colorado were moving at an expected pace. Western Slope bozos are expected to be auctioned off later, just before the apple pie competition, mud wrestling and gala fireworks show.
Persons possessing and verbalizing an excess of opinions, wanton fears, Xenophobia, and intolerance are expected to be on the block first followed by volunteers who are simply tired of their lives.
“The beauty of this arrangement is that if someone convinces our panel that he is functional he can just go home and continue doing what he wants,” said Alesiane Marmotbreath, executive director of rummage and folding chairs for Region Zen. “It is the person who admits he is lost who will be sold. These poor souls and a few others deemed seriously dysfunctional will be disposed of through a contentious practice called warehousing, that allows recycling concerns to bid on larger groups.
“We’re just peddlers trying to maintain in the face of overpopulation,” said one deputy director who was unwilling to say more.
While the entire program has been severely scrutinized by federal and county agencies the state has remained firm on plans to liquidate large swaths of inventory before annual budgetary meetings get underway in November. Treasury officials estimate the sale will gross over $2.4 million. The funds, along with tax revenues from the sale of legal marijuana, are earmarked for police and state militia grants and road repair.
To find out your immediate expendability status call someone in charge during regular business hours.

– Rex Monteleone