Author Archive for M. Toole
State to sell off dysfunctional citizens
(Montrose) The State of Colorado will begin a long awaited rummage sale focusing on citizens who do not participate or in any way contribute to society. Taking almost obsessive measures to safeguard the population as a whole gov’ment venders will follow strict guidelines in an attempt to move inventory and make room for new models coming out daily.
The Mega Clearance of “people who just stand around with their hands in their pockets, getting in the way of people who are trying to perform what they define as daily tasks” will begin tomorrow in an assortment of hastily erected tents all over the Centennial State.
In limited pre-sale exchanges dysfunctional people from the Front Range were selling better than projected while hicks from Eastern Colorado were moving at an expected pace. Western Slope bozos are expected to be auctioned off later, just before the apple pie competition, mud wrestling and gala fireworks show.
Persons possessing and verbalizing an excess of opinions, wanton fears, Xenophobia, and intolerance are expected to be on the block first followed by volunteers who are simply tired of their lives.
“The beauty of this arrangement is that if someone convinces our panel that he is functional he can just go home and continue doing what he wants,” said Alesiane Marmotbreath, executive director of rummage and folding chairs for Region Zen. “It is the person who admits he is lost who will be sold. These poor souls and a few others deemed seriously dysfunctional will be disposed of through a contentious practice called warehousing, that allows recycling concerns to bid on larger groups.
“We’re just peddlers trying to maintain in the face of overpopulation,” said one deputy director who was unwilling to say more.
While the entire program has been severely scrutinized by federal and county agencies the state has remained firm on plans to liquidate large swaths of inventory before annual budgetary meetings get underway in November. Treasury officials estimate the sale will gross over $2.4 million. The funds, along with tax revenues from the sale of legal marijuana, are earmarked for police and state militia grants and road repair.
To find out your immediate expendability status call someone in charge during regular business hours.
– Rex Monteleone
100 years ago today
Cyrus McDormatt, a hemp farmer from somewhere in Dixie invented the reefer which encouraged men to lie under trees all day while machines did all the work. Despite the fact that his product beat the hell out of cotton and wool he was arrested for illegal cultivation of a dangerous narcotic and sent up to the abolitionist north for horizontal indoctrination. When he returned he travelled the circuit and preached to the slaves about the evils of banjo music and that funny little weed that grows along the river.
100 years from today
New evidence was reported that Adam and Eve and Tarzan and Jane are in fact the same loving couple. The Cheetah Scrolls, dug up some 35 years ago, clearly reference the Garden of Eden, someone named Cain, someone named Boy and someone named Apple. The terms are intertwined and always end up in the same cosmic destination before spinning off into the universe. Although reluctant to release a full disclosure many major world religions have leaked information to the press and hinted at outside intervention in both tree swinging skills and the poisonous snake department. The common denominator here is a sneaky mahout named Lucifer who sells apples on the corner.
Melvin O’Toole is the only known National League player to have hit a regulation home run while occupying second base. This rare feat was accomplished on September 6, 1919. Six keystone sluggers have done it in the American League.
HOWDY LAW RESCINDED
(Montrose) Litigious howdy legislation, originally hammered out by the city council here in Pre-Walmart days, has been repealed by state authorities who claim sovereignty in matters of public interaction. The somewhat popular howdy edict had called for fines, and in sensitive cases incarceration, to be imposed on unfriendly citizens who didn’t say “Howdy” when passing their fellows on city streets.
Pedestrians unaccustomed to returning a greeting have been encouraged to get with the program or face the music,” said a current councilperson. “Social erosion and the loss of neighborliness are at stake here!”
With all of the new residents in these valleys we must enforce this edict,” said another proponent of the Howdy Law. “We must show them the high road or risk losing our souls.”
In another camp Rep. Greg Garias disagreed saying that if people don’t want to say hello it is their business.
“It’s not that I’m saying Colorado was friendlier before. It’s just that now we are more cosmopolitan, more diverse, more distracted,” said Garias sponsor of the controversial Make My Day Law. “Today we talk to machines and eat fast food. We consume in discount houses that smell of mutation and evil. In these days of drive-by shootings and home security systems if people don’t say Howdy or return a wave they shouldn’t face official castigation.”
Critics of Garias contend that he is mad but suggest that police departments are far too busy writing DUIs to undress the subject of social breakdown.
– Suzie Compost
FLASH
Members of NATO expressed shock and awe today upon receipt of verification that many Third World countries are sitting on an immense cache of bows and arrows. The arsenal may even include battering rams, shields and catapults. Radical aggressors include Mexico, Bolivia, Tanzania, Malaysia and a defiant Wyoming, feared to be armed to the teeth by anyone’s standards.
Further rumors strongly suggest that some of the more warlike may possess cross-bows, which are illegal in most parts of the civilized world as well as long-range spears camouflaged as surface-to-air missiles.
There was no measured response this morning although sources at NATO promised to keep at least one firm eye on the growing confrontation.
Student Suspended for Bringing Book to School
(Carne Canyon) Tommy Middlefinger 12,, a problem child, was put on indefinite suspension after a loaded book was found in his locker at Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School here. Middlefinger had apparently taken the book from his father, who had left it lying around in full view of the adolescent. The little culprit was busted after he was observed flashing the book around in the lunchroom at at afternoon recess.
“What we have here is a volatile situation in the making,” said LHO principal John Bookburne. “Imagine the chaos that would surely reign if every student brought just one small-caliber book into these hallowed halls. Soon teachers would have to arm themselves with books too,” he winced. “It would start with text books then escalate into all out war with assault classics and long-range ballistic technical journals wheeled in for the kill!”
Bookburne went on to say that the schools are here to babysit and produce little robots for placement in society.
“Most book have no place in education,” he said.
Middlefinger’s parents have yet to be contacted since both are heavy readers themselves and were at the library at the time of the incident.
“Somehow we aren’t surprised,” rattled Bookburne. Children learn by example.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Dr. Whispbottom Promoted
(Montrose) Dr. J. Entrails Whispbottom, of the Nucla Whispbottoms, was promoted to chief surgeon at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital here. The speedy action ensued after hospital executives discovered that outgoing surgical boss Marvin DelFisher had never finished high school. His only real medical experience came in 1954 when he successfully pulled a three-penny nail out of his younger brother Earl’s forehead.
“He dressed and acted just like a doctor,” said one hospital source, “and nobody bothered to check any further.”
DelFisher had been working a second job as house detective at the Montrose Police Department and was having trouble staying awake during tedious surgical procedures.
Whispbottom vaulted to celebrity status after the release of his thesis which expels myths as to the relationship between alcohol intake and diaper rash. His Postulate PP shattered previous conjecture that the irritation was a consequence of punitive measures introduced during the Spanish Inquisition.
“If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her convicts she doesn’t deserve to have any.” – Oscar Wilde, while standing in chains in the rain waiting deportation to a London prison for a host of sexual deviations.
“Mamas don’t let your cowboys grow up to be babies.”
– Slim Tinkleholland
You and Your Back
By Dr. Simon P. Lackluster, M.D.
One of the nations most frequent medical complaints is the common backache. Throughout history, this one malady has had more conjecture as to its’ cause than almost any other problem to cross a practitioners desk. Reasons include lifting wrong, strain, incorrect bending, twisting and a myriad of other possibilities. The common layman must think the profession has been sorely lacking in its’ methods of determining the acts which bring backache on.
Recent new research into this area, however, has convinced a large number of doctors that the true reason is more closely akin to posture than any other.
Studies just completed by Dr. Slip and Professor Disc indicate that the major source of back trouble is due to man’s curious habit of walking upright. As proof they point out that snakes and alligators never have back complaints, and with their elongated spinal cords it would seem to be a common occurrence. However, they point out, these animals never walk upright.
Furthermore, in thousands of interviews throughout the country they never heard of one normally born child complaining of back ailments until after they had learned to walk.
While it is probably too late for you, the reader, to take advantage of this discovery, it is not too late for you unborn progeny. To save them from this cruel fate, NEVER TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK!
