Author Archive for M. Toole
TV Dinners Preserved in Idarado Tunnels
(Red Mountain) Skeleton crews monitoring activity underground have discovered a large cache of TV dinners stored far below the rocky surface here. Stashed in the mine’s miles of tunnels, the self-contained fare is believed to have been left their by retreating workers when the mine closed down in 1978.
“Although not particularly astounding, the find indicates that TV dinners might survive for years even centuries in a controlled environment,” said Marcia Mollyore, head of Gentle Geology, a local firm. “Prior to this disclosure we thought Velveta cheese and Spam were the most sustainable substances yet invented. The importance herein is the alteration in thinking, the modification of philosophies on the classic shelf lives of what we consume.”
Despite the discovery Mollyore confirmed that she would continue embracing a strict diet of chicken livers, red lettuce and diet soda in hopes of achieving immortality.
“What may be important now is the glimpse of eating habits that this has afforded us. With a little luck we can put together another piece of the puzzle as to preferred foods of the 20th Century.”
Mollyore went on to explain that geologists had grown to accept that miners carried pie cans filled with sandwiches and hardboiled eggs and drank black coffee. Mounds of carefully chronicled statistics on the subject will have to be destroyed she said so as to make room for new data.
“Our thinking has been wrong…wrong…wrong!” explained a now visibly upset Mollyore. “How could we have been so stupid with the truth lurking at our fingertips, just below ground all this time!”
Further snooping has begun to indicate that miners may have had primitive heating methodology as well as access to a wide selection of tools as well as random television reception in narrow shafts and doghouses way down below. – Gabby Haze
MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED
(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs were not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in ski towns say experts.
This problem is often exasperated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity it seriously limits the structural implications of the pecking order and could lead to a breakdown of the industry as a whole.
The cost of certification is $350 per year ($400 with Wyoming and Utah included). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 3.
“We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.
“We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.
They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties. Wolfgang Putz
“The best place to see God is outside, in the garden. You can dig for him there.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Sure, there were several wise women in the Irish Channel, who seem to have been combination seers and midwives in most cases. Then there was a witch man named Buddy Lolliger who possessed the disagreeable ability to cause an automobile wreck merely by wishing it would happen.”
– descriptions of the Irish Channel in the 1940s
from Gumbo Ya-Ya
The Tribune Primer
Excerpts from a parody primer, which appeared first in the Denver Tribune (1882) and were later published in book form. This was Field’s first book
The Editor’s Home
Here is a Castle. It is the Home of an Editor. It has stained Glass windows and Mahogany stairways. In front of the Castle is a Park. Is it not Sweet? The lady in the Park is the editor’s wife. She wears a Costly robe of Velvet trimmed with Gold Lace, and there are Pearls and Rubies in her Hair. The editor sits on the front Stoop smoking an Havana Cigar. His little Children are playing with Diamond Marbles on the Tesselated Floor. The editor can afford to Live in Style. He gets Seventy-Five Dollars a month in Wages.
The Bad Man
Here is a Man who has just Stopped his Paper. What a Miserable looking Creature he is. He looks as if he had been stealing Sheep. How will he Know what is going on, now that he has Stopped his Paper? He will Borrow his Neighbor’s Paper? One of these Days he will Break his leg, or be a Candidate for Office, and then the Paper will Say Nothing about it. That will be treating him just Right, will it not, little Children?
The Oyster
Here we have an Oyster. It is going to a Church Fair. When it Gets to the Fair, it will Swim around in a big Kettle of Warm Water. A Lady will Stir it with a Spoon, and sell the Warm Water for Forth Cents a pint. Then the Oyster will move on to the next fair. In this Way, the Oyster will visit all the Church Fairs in Town, and Bring a great many Dollars into the Church Treasury. The Oyster goes a great Way in a good cause.
The Unfortunate Mousie
Poor little Mouse! He got into the Flour Barrel and Made Himself Dead. The Cook baked him in a Loaf of Bread, and here he lies on the Table cut in two by the Sharp bread Knife. But we will no Eat poor Mouse. We will eat the Bread, but we will Take the Mousie and Put him in the Cistern.
The Coal Hod
Oh, how nice and Black the Coal-Hod is! Run, children, Run quick and put your Little Fat hands in it. Mercy me, your Hands are as Black as the Coal-Hod now! Hark! Mamma is Coming. She will spank you when she Finds your Hands so Dirty. Better go and Rub the Black Dirt off on the Wall Paper before she Comes.
Mamma’s Scissors
These are Mamma’s Scissors. They do not Seem to be in good Health. Well, they are a little Aged. They have considerable Work to Do. Mamma uses them to Chop Kindling, cut Stove Pipe, pull Tacks, drive Nails, cut the children’s Hair, punch new Holes in the Calendar, slice Bar soap, pound beef Steak, open tomato Cans, Shear the New Foundland dog and cut out her New Silk Dress. Why doesn’t Papa get Mamma a new Pair of Scissors? You should not Ask such a Naughty question. Papa cannot Afford to Play Billiards and Indulge his Extravagant Family in the Luxuries of Life.
The Bottle
This is a bottle. What is in the Bottle? Very bad Whiskey. It has been Sent to the Local Editor. He did not Buy it. If he had Bought it the Whiskey would have been Poorer than it is. Little children, you Must never Drink Bad Whiskey.
The Hash
It is a Chignon? No, it is a Plate of Hash. But where are the Brush and Comb. We cannot serve the Hash unless we have a brush and Comb. The Comb is in the Butter, and the Baby has put the Brush in the Coffee-Pot. Don’t Cry, Children, we will Give you some nice Molasses with Pretty, green Flies in it.
The Mud
The Mud is in the street. The Lady has on a pair of Red Stockings. She is Trying to Cross the Street. Let us all give Three cheers for the Mud.
The Wasp
See the Wasp. He has pretty yellow Stripes around his Body, and a Darning Needle in his Tail. If you Will Pat the Wasp upon the Tail, we will Give You a Nice Picture Book.
The Business Manager
Here we Have a Business Manager. He is Blowing about the Circulation of the Paper. He is Saying the Paper has Entered upon an Era of Unprecedented Prosperity. In a Minute he will Go up Stairs and Chide the Editor for leaving his Gas Burning while he Went out for a Drink of Water, and he will dock a Reporter Four Dollars because a Subscriber has Licked him and he cannot Work. Little Children, if we Believed Business Managers went to Heaven, we would Give up our Pew in Church.
The Concentrated Lye
What a Pretty Can it is. What do you Suppose is in the Can? Open it and see. Goodness me, it is a Concentrated Lye! How Nice! Are you not Glad? Let us eat it. Taste it and See how Warm it is. If you will Eat it you will not Want anything More to Eat For a Long Time. – Eugene Fields
Legendary Chicken Burglar Passes
(Montrose) Maurie Featherbed, the acknowledged Master Chicken Thief of the Uncompahgre, passed away this morning surrounded by loved ones, such still not yet hatched. The cause of death was simple chicken pox.
Although often critical of his methods, his cult following saw him for what he accomplished and appreciated him for his expertise in the little publicized sport of poultry snatching.
It is estimated that he stole some 2900 live chickens during his wobbly tenure, which encompassed the past 40 years. Although he technically retired (selling the business to a cousin in 2012) he continued to steal chickens for fun on the weekends or prior to family soirees and holiday dining extravaganzas.
His work in neighboring locales stands as a monument to his genius. One incident, in 1988, where Featherbed eluded arrest by sticking an estimated 8 chickens down his pants remains a classic still today. Another coordinated campaign, resulting in the heist of over 400 chickens from a roost in Mack, assured that his picture would hang on the wall at local post offices to be viewed by the generations that come.
Preferring to work alone Featherbed was prone to fowl moods and often cursed feathers, flocks, incubators and beaks, thinking they brought on violent nightmares and arthritis. He was very hardboiled according to his few friends, but a bantam-rooster when pressed.
With one eye constantly appraising the pecking order Featherbed rose to almost rock and roll icon status, having never been apprehended.
When he wasn’t stealing poultry he spent his time watching television.
Featherbed is survived by his four children Cluck, Buck, Chuck and Arlene…all from another marriage.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Feds apologize for illegal raid
(Tuba City, AZ) Treasury agents say they’re “awfully sorry” about a mindless raid on the Knights of Columbus Bingo Pavilion here. After arresting several hundred bingo enthusiasts, the intruders finally determined that no laws had been broken, released all prisoners and vacated the premises.
“What if something illegal had been going on?” spouted Special Agent Wanda Wanna. “One can never be sure with wide open gambling running amuck.”
The feds had apparently mistaken Tuba City for Mesquite, Nevada from the air. According to the architects of the assault Mesquite had been the original target since it is located closer to a four-lane highway.
“I had one little combination to go and I would have won over fifteen bucks,” said Evelyn “Grandma” Sumpump, of nearby Cow Springs. “I plan to sue the government for that figure plus another two or three dollars for emotional duress.”
The feds plan a surprise raid on Mesquite and the sin city of Bunkerville next Friday, unless it rains. -Mel Toole
